Thursday, January 31, 2013

Spiritual condition

I really need to get better about this, especially since it is a goal for the coming year (and for the rest of my life.)



Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Letting go

I so love the Brave Girls Club.  Here's another gem.

Dear Beloved Girl,

When we have old things in our hands that we are afraid of being without, with our fists lightly clenched around those things, and we walk around fearing what will happen if we ever open our hands and let those things go -- when we worry whether or not anything else will make its way into our lives, if we will ever have enough -- if our hands will always remain empty if we open them and let the old clenched things go -- if we keep doing that, we will NEVER be able to grasp onto what is meant for us.

What is done is done. What is over is over. We are meant to move forward; we are meant to progress. Everything natural and beautiful and true and living was designed to constantly be renewing itself, progressing, living living living and then dying -- going on to the next step of its life cycle. When we clench old things in our hands, we prevent new things from being able to hold hands with us. New experiences, new things to learn, new relationships, new things that we don't even know exist yet.

Today is a great day to finally let go. It will be okay. In fact, it will be incredible.

It might hurt for a minute, just like all endings do. But the beginning that is just behind the ending (the ending that is long past due) is where the miracles are. Hold on to that hope, but let the rest go.

Let it go.
It is time.

You are so very very very loved.

xoxo

Monday, January 28, 2013

Smoking-ish

I'm a former smoker.  Throughout college, I smoked off and on.  After college, I began to smoke on a regular basis and quit any number of times over the years but I always went back.  It is safe to say that I was a smoker for at least 15 years, definitely more in terms of years but there were also huge lengths of time during those years that I didn't smoke at all.  On November 15, 2011, I smoked my last cigarette.  I haven't had a puff since and have no desire to do so. 

But I do miss the serene feeling I would get from inhaling, holding and then exhaling.  I've tried any number of ideas to get that feel.  Straws didn't work, a cigarette tube filled with cotton was wrong.  Lollipops couldn't cut it.  Taking a draw from a cigarette calmed me down.  It gave me a focus that wasn't on a building panic attack but was also mindless enough that it was easy and effortless.  I could fixate just enough on the repetitiveness of smoking to sort through some of the cycling thoughts messing with me. 

So, I was thrilled when I discovered that many electronic cigarettes (ecigs) are able to use nicotine-free cartridges or fluid.  You still get to inhale, hold and exhale but without the harmful nicotine, tar and other chemicals associated with regular cigarettes.  When you exhale, you exhale vapor that looks like smoke but doesn't smell. The tip glows when you inhale, just like a regular cigarette.  They are rechargeable and reusable.   And there are tons of yummy flavors. 

As a gift to myself, I used some of the money I got as gifts over the holidays and ordered a starter kit from Blu ecigs.  I did a great deal of research looking at all the different kinds of ecigs, cartridges and fluids.  Some looked very cheap.  Some had to arrive from China and carried a claim of "we usually don't have problems with customs, but...".  There were those with sketchy sounding ingredients and those that didn't have company information readily available.  Blu is a bit more expensive but I feel incredibly confident in their products and their company.  They look very cool and well-made and come in a hard pack that not only acts as a charger, but also protects the ecigs and the cartridges.  Plus, it comparable in size to a typical cigarette pack.

I cannot wait for my kit to arrive (and it should in 5-7 days).  I hope it works for me as I hope it will.  I really would like it to be a non-medical alternative to coping with some of my issues.  I know I will report back with how they do or don't work for me.  And if they don't work, I know some smokers and former smokers that I could gift. 

Sunday, January 27, 2013

What if the new dosages don't do it?

Since I'm on a new dosage of Zoloft and back to my original dosage of Wellbutrin, I have been wondering what will happen if this doesn't do what we are hoping it will.  To the best of my recollection, Dr. S and I didn't make a plan beyond where we are now.  He did once again mention that we can max out on Zoloft by getting to 200 mg.  I would guess that would be the next step if I'm not feeling where I want to be and having some motivation.

But what if I don't improve and the side effects of an increased Zoloft dosage show up?  I'm most concerned about the idea of getting numbed out and not being able to experience my emotions fully.  I'm also worried about the weight gain and sexual side effects.  If that happens, I would guess we wouldn't again up the dosage.

So where does that leave me?

I'm full of all sorts of "what ifs?" that are starting to drive me just a little bit bonkers.  I know it does me absolutely no good at all to worry about something that hasn't happened yet and might not even happen.  I also know that being apprehensive about all these potential problems only makes me more prone to panic attacks.

It is difficult, but I'm trying to direct my thoughts towards the positive.  I and trying to remember that my doctor knows what he is doing and knows what my needs are.  I keep pushing myself to recall that there are multiple methods for alleviating my mental illness issues.

One step at a time, I guess.  And do what I can to keep Mr. Worry at bay.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Price of happiness (change #5)

So, with the dosages going down on Wellbutrin and up on Zoloft, we have yet a different price on meds.  Woot! 

Zoloft is now $7.35 (a prescription and a half = 45 pills).
Wellbutrin is now $15.90 for the 30 150mg tablets (last time I filled for just 30 it was $32.89).

It's a bit strange how the prices keep changing.  I'm not complaining because they keep getting less expensive for me but I'm curious as to why they are going down in cost. 

One thought is that the prescription discount card works differently all the time.  Since I don't really know how the discount card works, I don't know if this is due to the current cost of the medications or what discounts are being offered by the manufacturer or if it is just luck of the draw.  I'm fine as long as we don't increase a great deal since we budget for my meds.

Another thought is that it has to do with Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA) which is often called Obama Care.  To be honest, I really don't know what PPACA will and won't do for me so I cannot say if lowering the cost of prescription medication is something it is meant to help.  If it is, then I am incredibly grateful for that.  As someone who currently doesn't have health insurance, every little bit of help in regards to my medical needs is appreciated. 

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Medication roulette

January 23 marked the day that I'd been on the upped dosage of Wellbutrin for two weeks.  I tried to get in touch with Dr. S that day but it was his day off.  I was unable to leave a message because:
  1. The Clinic has obviously never heard of something called voicemail.
  2. The live person I spoke with clearly had never heard of taking a pen in hand and writing a message on a piece of paper.
Ridiculous!

I was finally able to speak with his nurse today and relayed that I wasn't seeing any difference on the new dosage of Wellbutrin.  She asked what the doctor had planned for me so I told her what I could remember.  The nurse said she would check his dictation and speak with him directly and get back to me.  When I still hadn't received a phone call by 6:00 pm, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't be hearing back from them that day.  Shortly before 7:00 pm, his nurse called.

Our new "plan" is what Dr. S had discussed with me on my last visit.  I will bump my Wellbutrin back to 150 mg a day and will increase my Zoloft from 100 mg to 150 mg per day.  I am to call the doctor back in two weeks to report how things are going.  This means I need to call on Friday, February 8.

The nurse went ahead and called in the changed prescription.  I don't need refills yet but I'm getting them since I got a text message notification from my pharmacy informing me that I have two prescriptions ready to be picked up.  Guess I will be doing that tomorrow.

I'm hopeful that this tweak in my medication will be the one we've been hoping for.  You know, the one where the clouds part and a glorious ray of sunshine beams down upon me.  I am optimistic even though my past screams to be a pessimist.  Only time will tell.  

When your loved one is depressed

Found this great letter on the blog "Little bits and pieces."  I've done a bit of editing to make it more me.  I am strongly considering printing this off and giving it to my loved ones.  It isn't perfect, but it does explain a lot to someone who doesn't have depression. 

Dear Loved One:

Being a parent/spouse/boyfriend or girlfriend/friend to someone who deals with mental health issues such as the ones I have (major depressive disorder, general anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and ADD) is never easy. Being a part of my life means taking on a different type of responsibility that would normally come with fully healthy person. If the illness came on after we met, that can come as a big surprise and create a lot of extra stress because of your lack of experience dealing with it.

I want you to know that love you. I am also extremely depressed, anxious and going through a bad time right now. You have a big effect on how I will deal with my illness. I would like to share with you some things you should know about, so we can fight together to help me get better.

  1. Love doesn’t cure all. You may wish that just because we have a good relationship that I should be happy all the time. But no, love is not enough.
  2. As a caretaker, your priority is to take care of yourself first. If you are exhausted, overly stressed or aren’t taking care of your own basic needs, you won’t be able to help take care of mine. Be strong in this and I’ll thank you later.
  3. Don’t do what you think I need. Ask me and I will tell you the best I can. I don’t give a shit if there are dishes in the sink or laundry needs to be put away. Yes, it is nice that you do that, but I would rather you wouldn’t roll your eyes at me when I cry and make sure that I don’t forget to take my meds.
  4. Do NOT, under any circumstances — even as a joke — tell me to just get over it. This is a complicated illness brought on by faulty brain chemistry and years of abuse. I want to get better a million times more than you do. Trust that with support, I will do my very best each and every day to improve.
  5. Don’t ever forget that each day may be different. Yesterday, I may have gotten a bit manic and cleaned/organized for hours. It may take me another two weeks before I can do that again.
  6. If I say I need alone time, please, please, please — do not take it personally. Most of what I need to do to get better is internal. If I don’t get enough time to withdraw into myself and figure things out, then it will take me that much longer to cycle back out again. And if we have kids, help me to hide it from them and try to get them out of the house when I am unable to do that.
  7. Do not ask me how long it will take before I am better again. I have no freaking idea.
  8. If you need to vent how hard it is, go ahead. It will be okay. Venting is different from anger though. Find your own support system and ways to deal with those negative feelings. Don’t bury them. You may even want your own therapist for a while to help you deal with what I am going through.
  9. Each episode of depression is different. One time, it may be helpful to veg on the couch and watch a bunch of romantic comedies so I laugh a lot. Other times, I may get hyper-focused on a computer game or in reading or in another hobby. At my worst, I may need to sit in my room, alone, in the dark, rocking back and forth crying. I might want to try all of these things. Make gentle suggestions, but if I let you know it isn’t helping, please listen. And don’t take it personally.
  10. You are going to feel helpless. You love me and it will drive you crazy that you can’t fix me. It’s a horrible feeling and I can’t take that away from you. But, I can tell you that even though you might think you aren’t doing a lot, if you are following the above advice — you are doing more than you can imagine. Thank you so much for reading.
Love from Me

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

2013 Intentions and my 100th post

It is difficult for me to comprehend that this is my 100th post.  It doesn't seem possible that I've posted that much and had so much to say about my struggles with mental illness.  I feel like I've made a great deal of progress with understanding my depression.  And I hope that those who choose to read my blog have gained a deeper insight into my struggles and triumphs. 

In all honesty, I'm quite proud of myself and that isn't something I get to feel very often.

In this post, I shared my non-resolutions for the past year.  I finally got around to making my visual reminder for the coming year.  Here it is:


So far, I'm doing pretty well.  I hope to continue to reach towards incorporating them into my life. 

Describing my depression, part 5

When things are rough and I'm experiencing a depressive episode or building into a panic attack, my brain gives me the silent treatment.  I guess it really isn't the silent treatment but our communication is off. Thoughts escape me.  I cannot remember words or names of certain items.  I forget all sorts of things.  It is incredibly frustrating and only seems to escalate the problems I am already experiencing. 

In a way, my own mind deceives me in those moments.  When I truly need to grasp onto something - anything - to get through the moment, I cannot.  The anxiety and frustration increases and the cycling just continues and it gets worse and worse.

This also accounts for why my patience seems to disappear in those instances.  I'm more on edge and bitchy.  I hate looking like a fool and when your mind isn't functioning properly, I feel like a fool.  It also reasons into my need to have alone time and escape until I can feel better under control of my own brain. Or until I can at least make some sense of what is going on for me. 

When I'm in the moment of dealing with depression or anxiety, it is doubly difficult for me to explain what is going on with me.  I cannot vocalize my thoughts or feelings.  I'm unable to express what is wrong. 

While I do appreciate when people truly care and ask, it becomes increasingly challenging to placate those people with vague responses.  They know there is truly something more going on with me.  They deserve to know what is up.

But I cannot explain it, even a little. 

It is too hard to put into words.  And when by brain is rebelling against me, it is sometimes impossible to even come up with coherent thoughts, much less accurate ones. 

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Could this work?

For the most part, I enjoy my email subscription with Tiny Buddha.  When I got the post titled "Understanding and Lifting Depression: 5 Healthy Attitudes," I was eager to read it.  And I did. 

In the beginning, I found myself nodding my head in agreement.  But then, I found that I was getting bit angry.  This is what caused me to get angry:
But after a year things started to change—and I don’t remember why I started doing this; maybe I read it somewhere—but I stopped taking antidepressants, and whenever a “flat” period would come I’d watch it with as much distance as I could summon.

I started to notice that if I just let the “flatness” be and stopped worrying about it, my perception about something would shift, and as it did, the depression would lift.

The more times this happened the more I began to trust that it was going to happen. And always, there standing on the other side of the flatness, was an understanding that made my life richer, less stressful, and more pleasant, well worth the ticket of entry.
Hmph.  The thoughts rolling through my head ranged from disgust: "Oh, if it was only that easy" to questioning: "Just who are you?" to an emotion somewhere between jealousy and resentment: "Why did that work for you?"

Could getting past a depressive episode be that simple?  Is it all just a mindset?

My answer is no.  At least, it was no for me.

I tried this but I stayed on my medication because I have vowed as much to myself.  I tried just letting it be.  I tried to just learn from the depression.  I tried to take a step back and watch it with detachment.  I didn't worry about it.  I didn't obsess or over-analyze it.

And it didn't work.

I'm not saying that this doesn't work.  It didn't work for me at the time.  Perhaps it can work for me in the future.  Maybe it will work for someone else.  I'm all about trying to find the best and least invasive method to live with my mental illness.  I would love to be drug-free.  I would adore finding a simple method.

Someday I might find that.  And that is exactly why I keep blogging, and reading information from others about their struggles and achievements.  There is a strong chance that I will never find the right combo of methods that allow me to be free of my depression and anxiety.  But I will keep trying.

There were a lot of great things in the email.  I really loved these two statements that described depression:
  • "When you’re depressed, your perception of pretty much everything changes."
  • "And if that’s not enough, the world seems more abrasive—as if someone’s turned up the volume and taken off your sunglasses." 
The five helpful attitudes also vibed with me.
If you’re going through a depressed period, it may help to adopt these attitudes:
Non-Judging. It is what it is, and it will pass, so there’s no point in judging it.
Live Kindly. Eat well, exercise where you can, and continue to live. Be gentle with yourself.  It can sometimes be helpful to talk to someone.
Mind your Mind. Try and stand back from your mind and know that much of what your mind is telling you is incorrect. Know that your mind is operating alone while you heart takes a little rest—which is why you feel so bad and why you can’t feel as much love for yourself or others.
Silence. Add a little “down time” to your life. Instead of watching TV or trawling Facebook, take some time out and try just sitting. The thing you’re looking for is not outside of you, but within you. Meditation can be helpful too.
Be Safe. Often depression comes with morbid thoughts. Monitor these. They’re just thoughts, and they will pass as the flatness lifts, but at any stage if you feel unsafe, ask someone for help.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

My doggies

I'm an animal person.  I love most living creatures (not a fan of most birds, fish, spiders or ticks).  Spending time with animals has a very calming effect on me, especially if they are my pets.

Meet Oz the Rat Terrier and Katana the Shih Tzu. 

While I have step kids, these critters are truly my babies.  I have raised them from puppies.  I have been the main person involved with their care and training.  They look to me as their leader and provider. 

Our relationship is one of give and take.

They provide me a great deal of comfort.  At times, they are the only things that force me to get out of bed.  Perhaps it is because they rely on me so wholly and completely or maybe it is just because I love them so very much.  Katana, especially, seems to really be in tune with my emotions and moods.

Most people in my life understand my love of my pets.  These people don't laugh when I post pictures of them with captions clearly expressing love and devotion.  They understand that I can tear up looking into their faces.  When I have incredible anxiety when I must leave them for more than a day, they are the ones who are there to comfort me. 

My dogs are part of my healing process.  They assist me in coping with my life when times are tough.  I would be very lost without them.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

No change...yet?

I've been taking 300 mg of Wellbutrin for one week now.  To be honest, I don't feel one bit different.  I have had a few bursts of some really happy and great moments, nothing I would consider as mania so no fears there.  My panic/anxiety has neither increased nor decreased.  I really don't think it is doing much of anything.

In one week I will call Dr. S to report how I'm doing so there is still time for it to kick in and show some improvement.  From what I can recall, if we aren't seeing an improvement from the increased dosage, We will take it back down to 150 mg and increase my Zoloft.  But I'm not 100% sure if that was the plan or not.

Overall, I just want something to work.  I want to feel better and have some motivation.  I'd like my anxiety to decrease immensely.  But I still want to feel my emotions.  I need to feel my emotions.

My husband and I had a talk the other morning about how important it is for me to be able to experience my emotions.  While I had never thought about it beyond that I just know I need to feel and express my emotions, my husband pointed out that he feels the experiencing of emotions is an important and necessary part of who I am.  I need to experience those feelings so I can process them and get past them. It is a part of my process and a key to my well-being

He really does know me well.  And I am so very lucky for that. 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

...but you didn't do it alone

Too often I forget that I have helpers and supporters out there.  I forget to utilize their strengths.  I neglect to take them up on their offers of assistance.  But I don't have to do it alone.

Thank you, Brave Girls Club.

Dear Phenomenal Girl,

Isn't it funny how we go into panic attacks about things that haven't even happened, but that we are afraid of happening?

Even if we have made it through lots of hard things, and even ESPECIALLY if we have made it through lots of hard things, we still think this might be the thing that finally breaks us, and that we can't possibly have one more ounce of strength to handle the next big thing, so we panic about what might happen and what our response might be. We let our panic steal the joy of the moment we are in right now.

Here's the truth. You HAVE made it through so many things, but you didn't do it alone. You were able to muster up tremendous strength when you needed it, but that strength was not even all your own. You somehow handled things that you think you could never begin to handle again. But you did not handle those things alone.

So you can just breathe -- just be. Because no matter what happens, no matter what the next big thing it, you will NEVER have to handle it alone. You will ALWAYS be given strength that is not your own. Miracles will come to your rescue AGAIN if anything happens, and you don't have to worry because you didn't have to worry even back then, when things were so hard. Somehow you made it. And if you look back, it was not on your own. Because we are never, ever alone.

You made it through yesterday, you are making it through today, and you will make it through tomorrow. So decide to do it with JOY! Doesn't that feel so much better?

You are one strong cookie. But you still don't have to carry it all alone. Just breathe. Just be.

xoxo

Monday, January 14, 2013

Therapy thoughts

Therapy hasn't been my thing.  I've tried it a few times (see this post) and have only had one good, worthwhile experience.  The others were sad disasters or horrid failures.  Most of the time that I went to see a licensed therapist, it was ordered upon me.  Not always.  No matter, I don't feel like I'm a go-to-a-therapist-who-charges-me-money person.  My friends are my sounding boards.  My family gives me advice.  My dogs are my listeners.

But then I read the post "What do you want out of therapy?" in the blog Anxiety Adventures

Something clicked in me.  I've never really thought about what I wanted out of therapy.  I never broke it down any further than "to get better."  And that is one hell of a vague want.

The post inspired me to create my own list.  Of course, I've yet to do this but I did get to thinking that this list, this specific list, is not only what I want out of therapy; it is also what I need to answer or find answers to, in order for me to feel as though I'm healthy and managing my mental illness in the best manner possible.  That is a big realization.  Huge, really.

I just need to get started on it...and so many other things as well. 

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Smart phone sanity

Many people are tethered to their mobile phones.  They cannot go for long stretches of time without checking it for notifications.  They rely on it to answer questions, communicate with friends and family, blog, email.  It can help them obtain driving directions, do their banking and it provides entertainment of all sorts. Text and tweet.  Calendars, calculators, voice notes and cameras   And those are just some of the things that mobile phones can do today.  Oh, and it can also be used to make phone calls. 

Anyway, I am one of those people. 

My phone is my lifeline.  It is rarely out of my sight.  I feel lost without it.  I cherish it and I take care of it. 

I use it for all those things I listed above and a lot more.  One of the things I use it for is to help me in dealing with my depression and anxiety.  When I'm feeling overwhelmed or a panic attack is building, I turn to my phone.  Usually I will listen to music or play games.  By doing this, I can accomplish many things.
  1.  I look busy when using my phone so people will generally leave me alone.  This gives me the opportunity to calm down and just take a break from the world.  I can do this in a group of people and escape without having to flee from the room.  People are always looking at their phones, so I don't draw a lot of unwelcome attention.
  2. It is a distraction.  If I can actively engage my brain in some sort of activity, I can somewhat subdue the cycling of thoughts.  This distraction also helps to decrease the volume on the hateful and negative words that tumble around in my brain. The random games on my phone provide the perfect distractions.
  3. I can find the positive in my phone.  Between photos of loved ones, inspirational quotes and soothing music, I can usually find some shred of peace.  There is always something there that can combat the negativity with a positive.  Something in my phone is always guaranteed to evoke a smile.
  4. I can blog or make notes about what I'm experiencing.  It is so therapeutic for me to express myself in writing.  It also engages my brain and offers a distraction.  I also tend to work out my issues by writing them out. 
  5. It helps with the confusion and muddled thoughts.  I still have some issues remembering things at times.  It is like the word is just out of range and taunting me.  Or I cannot remember the name of the actress who played Piper on "Charmed."  A quick search of the Internet and I'm no longer driving myself crazy struggling to fish the correct answer out of the fog.  It provides me a release from the fixation that can possibly become an obsessed focus when I should really be more involved with the present moment.
So the next time you see someone on their phone in a social situation, don't automatically decide they are being rude or are bored.  They might be a person like me who simply needs a brief escape from her own brain.  Maybe it is the lifeline that they grasp with every last bit of strength and sanity they have left at that given moment.  Perhaps they are just trying to hold themselves together so they can chalk up this social experience up as a win instead of the typical loss.  Give them the benefit of the doubt.  I know I will appreciate it.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Price of happiness, again

My husband picked up my new Wellbutrin prescription and my Zoloft prescription.  I was concerned that the Wellbutrin would cost around $60.00 since it was double the amount of pills.  I was even more afraid that it would be difficult, if not impossible, for us to afford that on a monthly basis.  In fact, I had even considered going back to the doctor and letting him know that the increased dosage on the Wellbutrin was just not an option for us. 

I certainly was surprised when he returned from the pharmacy.

The two, 30-count bottles of Wellbutrin somehow cost less than the last time I filled the prescription for just one, 30-count bottle.  Instead of $32.89 it was $30.30.  The Zoloft was also cheaper.  Usually it is $13.30 but this time it was only $5.40.  Very happy about that.

Since my prescription card is a discount card, I have to wonder if said discount can be different each time.  I hope that is not the case because our budget demands that we be aware or how much our recurring bills are.  Perhaps it is because of Obama-care.  Honestly, it doesn't matter why my meds were cheaper.  They were and that is what matters.

It is a huge relief that the meds were not as pricey as I had thought they would be.  I am happy that I will be able to follow my doctor's orders.  Now I can actually feel hopeful that this new med regime might be the right combo to get to the place I want and need to be.


Christmas with the family 2012, part 3

(If you are interested, you can catch up by first reading part one and then part two.)
 
We got up the next day (Sunday) and started getting ready.  At one point during the week, I mentioned to my dad that we would try to be to his house, if we stayed the night with my mom, between 9:00 am and 10:00 am.  At 9:01 he called.

I didn't answer.

He left a voicemail and I checked it.  He was just wondering when we were coming over.  I did eventually call him back but it was probably an hour later. 

We got packed up and I sent my husband and the kids over to my dad's house.  I was going to ride with my step dad, brother and sister-in-law since my step dad wasn't completely sure where my had lived.  He knew the general area and I could have given him the address but really didn't want to deal with a potential travel issue like we had the day before. 

Me and my people arrived at my dad's house but my hubby and the kids weren't there yet.  I had jokingly mentioned that it was funny that they were going to have to go over first and he replied that maybe they'd hide out a bit first.  I wasn't happy and the anxiety level rose. 

Since it was cold and snowing, I tried to get my sister-in-law into the house quickly but the safety feature on her new wheelchair made it impossible to do so on my own. My brother went to help and we almost dumped her.  Luckily, my step dad helped out and we were successful. 

After we got them in and settled and I did a quick meet and greet to my dad, his wife and the doggies, I headed outside to call my hubby.  Apparently they had gone to get gasoline for the van and were on their way.  I asked them to hurry because I was building into a panic and my Ativan was in the car with them.

Once they arrived, everything seemed to run smoothly.  There weren't any arguments or even minor disagreements.  We ate lunch and then moved on to the gift portion of the day.  After we were visiting and I mentioned that it would be really nice to have our holiday celebration in Kearney.  We had talked about doing that this year but with my sister graduating from college, it just wasn't feasible. 

When it seemed like things were wrapping up, I checked the clock and realized that if we left soon, we could still visit with my husband's mom when we stopped in York and make it home in time to pick up the dogs from the doggie hotel. Hugs and goodbyes and we were out. 

Hit York and picked up the car from my mother-in-law.  I took off while my husband and the kids visited with my mother-in-law.I drove - again - by myself, on the interstate.  And I did good!!!

Got home.  Got the dogs.  Got everything back inside and unpacked. Finally, I could relax.

It was a hectic and stressful weekend but I survived.  We all did.  It wasn't perfect but I got to see my family.  My little sister crossed off another milestone in her life.  We were able to give gifts and receive them.  There was laughter and tears with not all the tears being those out of anger or stress or from being upset.

Support group update

In late November, I wrote about the local support group and how I was planning to go back. 

That hasn't happened.

I really don't have any reasons that I haven't gone back yet.  I know I get a great deal out of the group.  It has been very good for me in the past because it gets me out and also allows me to be with other people who can truly empathize with me and my situation.

I just haven't returned yet.

I could make up excuses and give all sorts of reasons why I've yet to attend again.  But it doesn't matter.  No one is forcing me to go or report if I'm going or not.  The only person who suffers if I don't attend is me.  And it's not that I "suffered" but I cannot benefit if I don't go. 

It really is as simple as that. 

I believe that I want and need to return to the support group.  And I need to do it sooner rather than later.  I'm setting February 4, 2013 as the deadline for attending.  This will help me figure out if I truly want to attend or not.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Day two on 300 mg

It is day number two since my Wellbutrin was upped from 150 mg to 300 mg daily.  So far, I'm not feeling anything one way or the other...and it's not that I thought I would so soon.  I am being hyper-vigilant about keeping an eye on my anxiety because that seems to be the area to worry about.  Every other change that this increase could cause should be for the better.  

I'm hopeful that this adjustment to my medication regime will give me the boost I need to really feel as though I'm getting better.  I just need some oomph and motivation.  It would also be nice to take the edge off the depression and the anxiety.  Hell, it would be great if it all just went away and I could move on with my life.  I know that is a pipe dream since there isn't a cure for depression.  But I can hope and there's nothing wrong with hoping.

In other news, I had a massive panic attack just a little bit ago.  It stemmed from an argument I had with my father.  A lot of past issues were dredged up and the topic of my little sister became a partial focus.  There were tears and some harsh words spoken.  Towards the end of the call, I just didn't have it in my anymore.  I couldn't argue and I couldn't fight.  Since he needed to end the phone call anyway, I cut him off and said I'd talk to him later before ending the call.  I feel a bit bad about how it ended but am glad that it did.  There is a strong chance that he will call back later.  I really don't want to talk to him anymore today and it is honestly for the best if we don't.  I think we both need to calm down and get some breathing room before we chat again.

To me, the panic attack had nothing to do with the increase on the Wellbutrin.  I did want to note it though. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Doctor knows best, right?

Well, I'm not overly happy with our next move.  By "our" I mean me and Dr. S.  But doctor knows best, right?  Today was the three month med check since I started on Wellbutrin. 

We chatted and I told him that I wasn't feeling any different at all in the three months since I've been taking the Wellbutrin.  I informed him that I'm taking Ativan more than I did the last time I was on meds.  He presented me with two options.  One option was to increase my Zoloft from 100 mg to 150 mg daily and leave the Wellbutrin at the same dosage of 150 mg.  Option two was to increase my Wellbutrin to 300 mg a day and leave my Zoloft at 100 mg.  He also mentioned that we could go up to 300 mg on the Zoloft and up to 450 mg on the Wellbutrin.

Out of the two options, he felt that option two was the best choice for our first step.  The problem is that Wellbutrin isn't like Zoloft in that it does nothing for the anxiety part of my illness.  In some people, it can even increase the anxiety.  I could be one of those people.  If that is the case, we will go back to 150 mg of Wellbutrin and then try upping the Zoloft.

Since the medicine is already in my system, I should notice any change within two weeks.  I'm to call Dr. S in two weeks to let him know how it is going.  If I see adverse effects from the increased dosage, I am to call as soon as I can.  If the Wellbutrin increase isn't the answer, he will then decrease the Wellbutrin back to 150 mg and increase the Zoloft to 150 mg.

I'm not happy because I really do not feel as though the Wellbutrin is working for me so I don't understand the dosage increase.  Yes, I understand that I might need a higher dosage to see a change.  But if it is doing nothing for me and then the increase either does nothing or increases the anxiety, why have me stay on it?

Dr. S said he selected this option because Wellbutrin doesn't have as many adverse side effects as Zoloft.  In fact, it can help combat the potential Zoloft side effects of sexual problems and weight gain.  However, I'm not experiencing those problems.  My sex life is fine and has improved since I started back on my meds.  And I've actually lost weight since September when I first went back to the doctor. 

If the Wellbutrin increase doesn't work and we then reduce it and increase the Zoloft, I'm back to giving it a try and then calling him two weeks after we start with that med change. (I'm mostly adding that part so I remember.)

Once we get the meds adjusted to a place that works for me, Dr. S said we could wait three to six months before my next office visit.  Just another turn and loop on my roller coaster life. 

My nerves are getting the better of me

Today, I go to the doctor today for my three month med check.  I'm utterly and completely nervous, bordering on terrified.  It's not the actual visit that has me worried.  It is the fact that once I report that the Wellbutrin isn't working, it is what will be our next course of action.

Will he try a different add-on med to supplement my Zoloft?  And if so, how much will it cost?

Will he up the dosage of the Wellbutrin?  How much will that increase the price?

Maybe he'll up the dosage on my Zoloft and drop the Wellbutrin.  Or maybe he'll up the dosage on my Zoloft and keep me on the Wellbutrin.  Or maybe he'll increase the dosage of both.

What if he wants to scrap all the meds I'm on and start me on something completely new and different?  Then there's a potential cost increase.  Never mind the waiting period to see if this med is going to work or not.

And like I said, things aren't necessarily bad with how the meds were working before the addition of the Wellbutrin or even after it was added.  Life was okay.  I was doing okay.  My depression and anxiety was somewhat okay.

But I didn't want to be just okay.

And I still don't want to be just okay.

Because really, I'm not.


Monday, January 7, 2013

I'm an angry panda!

Last night was a bad night.  I was tired and thought sleep would be achieved semi-easily.  Guess again, buttercup.  I haven't slept yet.  I know I will need to sleep at some point today but I'm planning to wait as long as possible and then sleep for as little as possible.  That is my plan with the end result, in my thought process, being me able to fall asleep at a decent time tonight and then sleep well throughout the night.  Fingers are crossed.

I'm angry because I still have these down/bad days and moments.  I still feel worthless and sad, both in these times and because of them.  I want to give up.  I just want to crawl into bed and get a do-over.  I don't care about much of anything.  I cannot process my thoughts or vocalize them for someone to better understand what is going on in my head.  I want to cry, to yell, to break things. 

I want it all to end.*

When I talk about getting better, I mean that I want to not have these depression flare-ups - the kind that are not cause by a trigger and that I cannot just elect to deal with as I would with a bad situation getting me down. Yes, the down days are fewer and there is much more time between them.  And, in all honesty, they are very mild compared to some of them that I've experienced in the past. 

But they still mess with my life.

They still stop me from being a productive member of society on those days.  They prevent me from being the best wife, step mother, daughter, friend, etc. when the depression monster grabs hold.  I'm not me when this happens.  In fact, I barely recognize myself. 

*I have no intentions of taking my own life or harming myself in any way.  Yes, I feel like I want to die but I will not take any actions to do so.  I care too much about my life and the lives of my friends and loved ones to do that to myself, and ultimately, to them. 

Tell the doctor on the next visit

I just created a label of things I need to tell my doctor when I have my next visit.  My rationale is that it will help save me time reading through my entire blog before every visit/med check.  Seemed like a smart move to me.

I have my three month visit on Tuesday.  Here are some things I need to share with him:
  • Wellbutrin - not feeling anything different than when I wasn't taking it. There are some days that I feel a little something but it is barely worth the notice.  Regardless, most of the time I feel the same as before when I was just on Zoloft and Ativan as needed.
  • Ativan - will need refills once I'm done with what I have.  I also find that I'm taking them more often than the last time they were prescribed for me.  
  • The other moments that are labeled in previous blog posts.
As usual, I'm already feeling a bit apprehensive about the visit.  I know I will be fine but it will still be something I will have to work through in the next several days. 

Sunday, January 6, 2013

It struck me as familiar

I follow a few blogs that I connect with in regards to my depression and anxiety.  One of them is Anxiety Adventures.

About a week ago, I read an entry that spoke to me on so many levels.  I need to really sit down and dissect my thoughts to it so I can see how they fit into my tangled brain. 

Here are the points (italicized and bold) that really gave me some aha moments:

Downtime is tough for me, as I often fall into the isolation rabbit hole and get kidnapped by anxiety and depression. It’s difficult to predict how I’ll react to downtime -

  • Should I try to keep busy and avoid thinking too much?
  • Will making plans but failing to keep them cause a shame spiral?
  • Will having no plans cause a shame spiral?
  • Will no plans keep me relaxed so I feel able to interact with the world?
  • Does the answer lie somewhere in between?
For me, I want to say that the answer is somewhere in between.  I don't know where quite yet.

I also really like the term "shame spiral" because I can relate to it and it is such an accurate and descriptive term.  For those of you who've never experienced a shame spiral, here's what mine are like:
  1. For whatever reason, I feel as though I've failed.  This can be not completing something I'd intended to do or simply not doing anything.  It can be any type of failure, no matter how big or small.
  2. I will overly focus on and obsess about said failure and get worked up.  There will probably be tears and there will definitely be a great deal of negative thoughts of general worthlessness.  There might even be a panic attack.
  3. By the time I've hit this part, there is a strong chance that I will be completely useless for the remainder of the day which will only further perpetuate the shame spiral.
  4. Bonus round - I might even carry the shame on for multiple days or start reliving past failures and have more shame spirals form. 
Herein lies the trouble, my mind waffles on whether these plans are mandatory, wanted, needed, or time-fillers.

I both love and hate making plans.  Plans are good because I can then actually plan them.  I know what to expect and what is expected of me.  I am prepared for the event/outing/whatever.

However, plans are commitments and promises.   And I really hate breaking commitments and promises.  This means that if I freak out or have an issue and cannot participate in said plan.  That means I've failed and BAM - shame spiral.

(I do want to mention that most of my close friends as well as my husband and the kids understand that this can happen.  While they still may be hurt or disappointed, they are supportive and understanding of me.  My extended-immediate family (parents and siblings) is getting better at it, perhaps due to my blog.) 

Spinning about my head is the recurring thought that I need to maximize my time off. I need to have fun. I need to be productive. I need to have interesting stories to tell once real-life resumes. I need to recommit to my life and find fulfilling activities. I need to be a functioning, contributing member of society.

This starts a potentially vicious cycle of:
  1. Plans/objectives
  2. Failure
  3. Shame spiral
  4. Deep depressive episode
  5. Isolation from my life
  6. Recover period
Of course it can go well and does rather often.  It is when it doesn't go well that I suffer.

I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure but I need to start to realize that I may also be setting myself up for success.  In a perfect/better world, I would just try my best.  I would try my best and actually be content with what I was able to achieve and focus on the achievement instead of the failure.  Sometimes I might not achieve much of anything and that is okay.  I would wade in to the shallow water first instead of just cannon-balling into the deep end.  I would be realistic with my own personal expectations. 

Realistically, I’ll get anxious about failing to accomplish anything that I won’t actually try, then half-heartedly convince myself that I didn’t try so I didn’t fail. 

Really need to stop that one and come to an acceptance that failure is an okay and human thing.  By not beating myself up over a failure that is really quite minor in the big scheme of things, I can hopefully avoid going any further and the "2.  Failure" step I mentioned above. It is just so difficult to do since I've been berating myself over my moments that are unsuccessful. 

Embracing failure as a learning experience would also be helpful.  If I was able to look back on the failure and dissect it so I could figure out what pushed that moment or event over into the failure zone.  This would allow me to avoid those triggers or come up with ways to cope with them.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Christmas with the family 2012, part 2

(If you missed part one, you can read it here.)

Me, my husband, the kids, my brother and his wife have all arrived at my mom and step dad's house for the extended family Christmas celebration.  They'd played a few games, had some snacks and drank some alcohol before we arrived.  Most everyone was in a good mood.

I made the rounds telling people hello and engaging in some brief small talk.  K had to finish her homework, so she headed downstairs to complete it.  It was our agreement since she hadn't wanted to work on it earlier.

The anxiety was lessening but I still felt as though I was teetering on the edge of a breakdown.  Definitely not a fun place to be.  I then had an interaction with my mother that pushed me over the edge.  I don't know if it was because I was really upset by what she said or if it was just that proverbial straw the broke the camels back.

My mom informed me we were getting ready to play another game.  She told me I was in charge of rounding up our immediate family which meant her, my step dad, my husband, the kids, my brother and his wife.  Mom said we needed to wait for my sister-in-law to be done with something - I think she was using the bathroom.  I mentioned that K was finishing her homework and it would be nice to wait for her.  Mom just made some flippant remark that K would just have to miss it.

I think I responded with the "whatever" remark that is so deadly and vague before excusing myself to get some air in the garage.  My eyes were tearing up and tears were threatening to fall but I made it out before that could happen.  My husband was close on my heels and I filled him in.  I was upset/angry/pissed because, to me, my mom was willing to wait for my sister-in-law but not my step daughter.  It was unfair and me, being a mama bear, did not like her cubs getting shafted on the fun.

After talking it out with my husband, getting some fresh air and calming down, I returned to the inside.  I do remember my mom mentioning that she hadn't meant her statement to sound as bitchy as it probably did but I cannot remember if that was before or after I went into the garage. 

The rest of the extended family Christmas seemed to go well.  There were games and food.  We chatted a great deal and shared a lot of laughs.  Once that wound down and the extended family had left, we had our immediate family Christmas.  It was very low-key and relaxing.

Oh, as the extended family part was winding down, my dad called.  We had planned to spend the night at his house but only if we were going to be done at my mom's house at a reasonable time and if he and his wife would still be awake.  It was getting late so I said we would just stay at mom's again.  He was bummed but I told him we'd be over mid-morning on Sunday.

The night finished off and we headed to bed.

And with that, I will sign off.  The final part will be up soonish.

(It's up and you can read it here.)

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Auld Lang Syne

("The title of the Scottish tune [Auld Lang Syne] translates to "times gone by" and is about remembering friends from the past and not letting them be forgotten." -- Thank you ABC NewsWikipedia says: "The song's Scots title may be translated into English literally as "old long since", or more idiomatically, "long long ago", "days gone by" or "old times". Consequently "For auld lang syne", as it appears in the first line of the chorus, might be loosely translated as "for (the sake of) old times".")

I tend to fail horribly when I make resolutions.  And when I fail, I feel really bad and often slip into a depressive episode.  Last year, I decided to do things a bit differently and found an idea on Pinterest.  It is a New Year Manifesto and, in my interpretation, instead of making statements such as "I will exercise" would make a broader and more general statement like "I will lead a healthier lifestyle."  This is what I did last year:


I haven't done one this year but plan on working on it over the next few days.  I'm guessing there will be some repeats.  Overall, I feel like it was a very successful project.

There is a lot that will happen in the coming year.  The biggest things is that I will be continuing to focus on my mental health and getting a better handle on it.  I also plan to simplify my life as much as possible by focusing my energies on the things and people that matter the most to me.  In doing so, I hope to rid myself of as much negativity and unnecessary items, commitments and people as possible. 

Two particular events will weigh on my mind more often than not.  The first is that by the end of May, Li and her husband will be moving.  They will be about five hours away.  While they have certainly found their dream home and land as well as getting back into a larger city with diversity and culture, I still don't want them to go.  I'm going to feel so lost.  I know we will keep in touch and that there will be numerous visits, but it won't be quite the same.  I'm so happy for them but I'm sad for me. 

The other event of note is that when the 2013-2014 school year begins in August, we will have two kids in high school and Z will be starting his senior year.  It is just so hard to accept that they are growing up into these amazing young adults.  I'm completely proud of them and love them to bits but what happened to those little kids I first met about ten years ago?

I'm excited to see what the year will hold.  I'm very hopeful that it will be an amazing year.  I know there will be tough times but as long as I learn something from them, I will do my best to take them in stride.