10 analogies that perfectly capture depression

10 Analogies that perfectly capture depression by Amy Thurlow at Scary Mommy.

If others don’t believe you when you are certain you speak the truth, if you get blamed for something you know is not your fault, if no matter how many times you try explaining something the person just doesn’t get it, how does it make you feel? 

Pretty frustrated, I’m sure.

Sadly, this is the case for many who suffer from mental illness, like depression. Imagine being accused of creating your own illness with your negative attitude, laziness, or self-pity. It’s pretty awful. Those with depression long to be believed, long to be understood. Depression is NOT a feeling. It’s a very real disease, and I’m going to attempt to describe it to you with some analogies.

1. Irritability (The Sandpaper Bed)

You stand beside your bed. It looks cozy and inviting. You climb in and are startled by the feel of the sheets on your skin. They are rough, like sandpaper. Your pillow is hard as a rock. You roll over; nothing changes. The sandpaper sheets hurt your skin and the rock pillow makes it impossible to relax.

This is what irritability is like. You know you should not be bothered, but everything annoys you, angers you, makes you very uncomfortable. You wish with all of your might you could relax and feel peaceful, but it just won’t happen. You want to explode at everyone around you, but you hold it in as best you can. You press on, try to appear normal. Like a night spent in the sandpaper bed would be, it’s totally exhausting.

2. Empty/Numb (The Worst Comedy Show Ever)

Depression frequently makes you feel … absolutely nothing at all. Imagine you’re at a comedy show, but you’re the only one who finds nothing funny about it. Everyone else cracks up, laughing at jokes that evoke no response in you at all. You wish you could enjoy yourself as they are, but your heart and mind are void of all feeling. You throw back a few drinks, to try to ignite a spark of life within you, to no avail. You just want to go home so you can stop pretending you actually feel something other than numbness. Depression often makes you feel as though someone has reached in and ripped your soul out of your body. It’s not fun.

3. Extreme Fatigue (The 500 Pound Lead Suit)

Picture yourself wearing full body armor made of lead. You try to go about your daily activities, but every movement requires tremendous effort. You want to move. You try your best to move. It’s just completely exhausting. No matter how hard you try, you seem unable to take off your lead body armor. It only removes itself when it feels like it.

4. Self Loathing (Tied With a Rope to Someone You Really Dislike)

What if that person you can’t stand being around, that person you have a hard time finding good qualities in, that person you just can’t seem to like was tied to you with a 3-foot-long rope for an entire day?

“No way in hell,” you are probably thinking. Well, if you suffer from depression, that person is tied to you permanently. That person is yourself. It is a very sad, but very true, reality of depression. During the majority of a depressive episode, the sufferer thinks very negatively about themselves, and they might even have feelings of self-hatred.

5. Guilt (A Body Covered in Long Whiskers That Bug Everyone Around You)

Imagine you walk through the mall, or attend a family function, and all of a sudden your body grows huge, prickly whiskers that poke at everyone around you. You’d feel the need to apologize an awful lot. You’d probably feel pretty bad. Guilty. Guilty for being your prickly, whiskery self.

Depression doesn’t make a person grow whiskers, of course, but it certainly brings on constant, tremendous feelings of guilt. It makes you feel as though you are letting everyone down, that everyone is annoyed at, or disappointed by, you.

6. Physical Discomfort (The Constant Hangover)

Headache. Body Aches. Joint Pain. Nausea. Dizziness. If it gets bad enough, depression makes you feel like you have a constant hangover. If you haven’t experienced a hangover, think of how you feel when you are coming down with the flu.

Many cases of depression/anxiety are diagnosed only after the patient has sought medical help for physical symptoms. (I myself was one of those cases.) Those “Depression Hurts” commercials do not lie.

7. Confusion (A Partially Soundproof, Translucent Glass Box)

If you spent an hour surrounded by glass that was hard to see through and hard to hear through, and you tried to go about life as usual, things would get pretty darn confusing.

Depression often feels exactly like this. Focusing on anything becomes very hard. You find yourself holding your head in your hands all the time. Your vision literally blurs, and you have a hard time understanding what anyone is talking to you about. This confusion just increases other symptoms, like irritability and fatigue.

8. Strong Desire to Hide (Avoiding a Persistent Telemarketer)

You know that feeling you have when you see a telemarketer’s number on the call display? Someone with depression feels this way pretty much all of the time. They don’t want to answer the phone, or the door. They don’t want to go get groceries; they don’t want to go to your party. All they really want to do is hide under the covers and stop pretending everything is alright. They want to hide away so they can be depressed without fear of judgment or feelings of guilt.

9. Dread (A Colonoscopy Is Looming, Every Minute of Every Day)

I think it’s safe to say nobody out there looks forward to the day they need a colonoscopy. When you suffer from depression, you always feel like something unpleasant lies in the near future. Dread. Dread for reasons you can’t explain. In fact, knowing the dread was caused by an approaching colonoscopy would probably be an improvement over the nonspecific, sinking, scared feeling you often wake with, eat lunch with, and go to bed with when you suffer from depression.

10. Hopeless/Trapped (Drowning)

Imagine you are trapped in a tank of deep water. You tread water for a long time. You start getting tired. You aren’t sure how much longer you’ll be able to keep your head above water. You try to stay afloat, try to conserve your energy and pray someone will come along and help you. Time ticks on. You are so tired. You sink below the surface, hold your breath for as long as you can.

Nobody is coming to save you because nobody notices you need help. Desperately, you pull to the surface, gasp for air, sink back down again. You aren’t going to make it. You have lost all hope.

Depression is a very lonely, often desperate battle to feel alive.

But it doesn’t have to be lonely.

It doesn’t have to be hopeless.

There is plenty of help available for those suffering from depression. They just need to feel comfortable enough to seek it out. All of the stigma, the fear, the lack of empathy and understanding toward mental illness in our society needs to end.

The best thing you can do for someone with depression is let them know you believe them, and you are not afraid to talk with them about it openly and honestly.

You can be that arm that pulls them out of that tank of deep water with a few powerful words.

“I am here for you.”

“I am listening.”

“I believe you.”

A rambling

I'm holding on by the tips of, maybe, four fingers.  I'm so far out of fucks and spoons that I fear I will never get caught up and remain forever in debt.  I have no patience for collaborative work of any kind for I do not even have a shred of patience for myself.

I have bursts of clarity but they occur at the most inappropriate times - midnight, while at work, in the shower.  I grasp them and run but I only get so far.  I'm lucky if I can do one thing a day - and work sucks me dry.  That leaves Sundays and Mondays as my free days and Mondays always have something going on, often things I cannot miss since they are directly related to my personal well-being and mental health.

I'm stuck but I'm committed to my life and my obligations.  I just need to work it my way.

Back into the social scene

While I've done a few social things, they have been safe and easy.  I went to a health and holistic fair with absolutely no one I knew.  I've chatted with my aunts and cousins in a relaxed family atmosphere.  I have hung out with my dad and also with my mom, step dad, brother, and sister-in-law at home.  I have yet to go to an event with multiple people I know.

My friend, Di, has invited me to a women's empowerment group.  I'm interested but terrified of the conversations with new people.  These conversations always seem to focus around a few specific things - work/career, family/children, and other hobbies.

"Do you have children?" the perfectly lovely woman asks me.  I mumble a reply.  "How many?" she probes.  And that's when I crack and end up crying in front of strangers before leaving the room and being too embarrassed to return.  Ever.  So that's one social, and potentially life-changing/therapeutic, activity I can no longer enjoy or attend.

The Pagan group I'm most associated with in Omaha has had multiple rituals and classes since Kyah's death.  I want to go.  I long to go and, honestly, I need to go.  These people, the usuals at least, know me and know the situation.  But there will be questions and I'm just not strong enough to tell people I'm not ready or able to talk about it and will, instead, tell them and fall apart later and then require some recuperation time that may or may not interfere with my job.

And if there aren't questions but blatant support and hugs and looks of concern and apologies...I will break.  Fall completely apart.  Seriously...blubbering, snotting, hot mess express.

I need to figure out a way to start getting back out there.  I'm not an overly social person but do have my things I love.  I need to be able to do them.  My sanity does rely on it to a certain extent.

Recap, part 3

Obviously there has been a shit-ton of changes in my life.  Although many are bad situations, I'm maybe doing better than anyone thought I would be, especially under the circumstances.  (This is prior to K's death and we will get to that shortly.)  From the time I moved to Omaha until just before K's death, I've had good friends and random acquaintances remark that I seemed "happy" and "happier than they'd seen me in a long time."  Truth be told, I was doing good.

I was taking better care of myself on all levels.  I was working in a job I truly love, was finding myself and my purpose, and acclimating to my new normal.  It would have been perfect if I had my kids.  (And my dogs. And my friends.  And my Pagan community.)  Yes, there were rough days and some extended downward spirals, but I was managing, maybe even thriving.

There were some new meds and medication changes.  Some other health issues were addressed and being treated.  I found myself experiencing real emotions and many of those were positive and good.  I did have a three week spiral where I was out of work and really struggling.  Thankfully, FMLA was an option and my job was secure.

And then she died.

Maybe it was shock or just pushing through fueled on no sleep and lots of caffeine but I initially handled things rather well.  Of course I was devastated and bawling, but I was going through the motions of getting through the memorial and funeral, taking care of Z, interactions with my ex-husband and his new family, interactions with the kids' mom, friends, family, questions...and everyone was in awe at how well I was holding up and dealing.

I was shocked as well.

Several weeks later, right around the one month anniversary of her death, the dam broke.  Lack of sleep was a huge culprit but it was the processing that gripped my heart and destroyed my mind.  My little girl was gone.  Two weeks of FMLA and additional med changes and I'm back at work.  I've yet to make it through a full work week and I often do my job through tears, but I'm there.

There is no way to currently tell the difference between my mental illness and the grief process of losing my daughter.  I'm working hard to keep my head above water and this coming week will be difficult.  Her birthday is on Thursday, March 17.  We'd talked about how cool it was for her to finally turn 17 on the 17th.  I'd planned to go to visit that Friday and stay the weekend.  Her junior prom would have been on Saturday.  Instead I'm taking her birthday off and getting a tattoo in her honor.  I'll spend Saturday with some Pagan friends celebrating the coming Sabbat.  I will try to keep my tears to a minimum and deal with what is now the new normal 2.0.

Recap, part 2

Left off with my move to Omaha in October 2014.  I moved in to the basement at my mom and step dad's house.  It was planned to be temporary but, to date, I'm still here.  It's not perfect but it works.  Since I've moved here, I've seen the kids about every three months or so.  We text and talk on the phone as well as email and FaceTime chat often.   But here's a loose timeline of some big events:

*October 2014:  I see two different band performances in Lincoln and get to spend time with K.

*December 1, 2014: I start a job, the first I've worked in over 10 years.

*December 2014: Kids come to Omaha for Christmas/Yule with me and my family.

*January 3, 2015: K has first attempt of taking her life.  Hospitalized.

*January 16, 2015:  Visit kids in Kearney.

*Late May 2015: K has suicidal thoughts but doesn't act on them.  Hospitalized.

*Early June 2015: Visit kids in Kearney.

*August 30, 2015: K has second attempt of taking her life.  Hospitalized

*September 2, 2015:  Divorce hearing.  Finalized roughly 60 days later.

*September 26, 2015: Visit kids in Kearney

*December 20, 2015:  Kids come to Omaha for Christmas/Yule with me and my family.

*January 12-13, 2016:  K loses her life when ex-husband's home destroyed by a fire.  He, his girlfriend (TB), and her son escape, unharmed.

*January 16, 2016:  We bury my 16 year old daughter.

*January 30, 2016:  Z leaves for a semester in Ireland.

So yeah...crazy shit and lots of changes.  The loss of K is still surreal and to raw to handle. I'm probably going to let this blog sit for a bit as I continue to handle her death.

Z and his general well-being are of utmost importance to me at this point.  I'm so worried about him and, even though I'm glad he went to Ireland to fulfill his dream, I worry that he's without his support network.  Mama Bear is definitely in overdrive lately and all I want to do is cuddle him close and protect him from anything and everything that could hurt him in any way.

I am also doing my best to take care of myself - mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Recap, part 1

Obviously there has been a huge gap between my last posts and now.  So much has happened, and I'm not just talking everyday things.  There have been some GINORMOUS life events.  In hopes of recapping, here's a short, but sweet, timeline of events.  I'm sure I will expand upon some of them at a later date.

*July 7, 2014 - My husband and I found out we did not get custody of the kids.  However, Z was emancipated.

*July 12, 2014 - My husband cheats on me with TB.

*July 25, 2014 - The kids' last day at our house after summer visitation.  My husband informs me he doesn't see his future including me.  We talk and he agrees to work on our marriage.

*July 27, 2014 - My husband cheats again with TB before coming home to me to have family time with the kids.  He's affectionate with me.

*July 28-August 12, 2014 - Lots of talking with the husband.  Find out he's developing feelings for someone but it's not been physical.  We agree we shouldn't be husband and wife but have no plans to divorce.  We will still be family for the kids.  Lots of compromising on my part but I want to do everything I can to keep my family, even though, in hindsight, "my family" didn't really include my husband any longer.

*August 13, 2014 - The truth comes out about the physical relationship.

*August 13-September 1, 2014 - We fine tune what our relationship now looks like.  He agrees to help me stay in our home until K graduates from high school (May 2017) and we will share visitation time together with the children.  We move Z into college to begin his Freshman year.  Other than that, he will continue his relationship with his girlfriend TB, living with her in another town.

*September 2, 2014 - After time with TB, he comes home to change everything and take away all he'd promised me.  He gives me until the end of the year to figure out how I can support myself and the household.  If I cannot do that, he will kick me out.  I fly into a rage and do something I will regret for the rest of my life.  He then gives me until the end of the month.  Realizing I cannot make that happen, my mom and stepfather agree to let me move in with them - in a different city 180 miles from my home.

*October 4, 2014 - I move to Omaha.

I will continue this at a later date.  It's a good place to stop since the coming changes deal less and less with the dissolution of my marriage and focuses on my family of three - me, Z, and K.  

Begin again

It's been more than a minute since I last blogged here and so much has happened in my life and with my battle against mental illness.  I've decided to start blogging again and I now have 3 different blogs.  (See my blogs above to view them.)  I hope to blog in each once a week, if not more but I will blog in at least one each week.  That is my ultimate goal.

After I play catch up, this blog may get the least amount of attention since it's primarily used when something changes or happens which I really don't want.  Unless it's for good.  I guess we will see where this goes.  Enjoy and I look forward to beginning the blogging journey again.