Saturday, December 29, 2012

Christmas with the family 2012, part 1

At least two of my past posts (Bah humbug and Struggling) dealt with what I like to call the weekend from hell or the hectic weekend.  For the weekend from hell, we (me, my husband and the two kids) drive two and a half hours to Omaha on Friday.  On Saturday we celebrate the holidays with my mom's siblings, their children and my grandfather and his girlfriend.  Later that evening, we have our smaller family Christmas with my mom, my step dad, my brother and his wife and me and my family.  Sunday we head to my dad's house for a meal and gifts with my father, his wife, my brother and his wife, my sister and then me and my family.  This all must be accomplished by 2:00 pm so we can be home in time to pick up the dogs from the doggie hotel (Sunday pickups are between 5:00 and 5:30 pm) and return the kids to their mother's house by 6:00 pm.  Hectic!

Add to that I have issues riding in the car for long periods of time.  I get incredibly freaked out and sometimes bump up into a panic attack.  Let's also include that I sometimes have problems in crowds even if I know everyone and/or are related to them.  In addition, there is a certain amount of anxiety involved when I need to don the daughter/granddaughter/niece/cousin persona.

This year there was some added stress since we were also going to go to my sister's college graduation...on Saturday morning.  She's was graduating from the largest college in Nebraska so there were lots of people and a lot of things I didn't have control over.  I wasn't going to miss her getting her college diploma so not going was simply not an option.

(I'm not even going to get into the stress and anxiety that built up during the week prior.)

So, everything on Friday seemed to go just fine.  No major snags and I did really well riding in the van on the way there.  I did take an Ativan prior to the trip and once during.

Saturday things started off okay until I went to take a shower and realized I brought the wrong shirt to go under my vest.  Quick search revealed a Walmart on the way so we were going to leave just a bit earlier and all would be fine.  We got to Lincoln with very little problem.  As we were heading to the location of her graduation we got off track.  Pulled up driving directions on my phone and we were back on track and going just fine.

When we arrived, the lines were HUGE and the parking areas were filling.  My husband and I got a bit snappish with each other.  I had taken an Ativan prior to the trip and was very temped to take another but knew I might need my remaining two later on in the day.  After all, it was only 9:00 am. 

After being directed to a parking lot, I switched into my other shirt and we began the jaunt to the center.  We arrived and spotted my brother, sister-in-law and father rather quickly.  We were lucky to find some seats just behind them.

The ceremony was long and I got a little weepy but the panic didn't set in.  Afterwards, we found my sister and since we had some time to kill, we headed to my sister's apartment.  She rode with us so it was easy.  She was also going to ride with us to her reception site.  Time at her apartment and the ride to the reception went beautifully.  We arrived and I was able to see my step mom for the first time in probably three and a half years.  We chatted some and vowed to stay in touch better down the road. 

The reception continued and was going very well until we were getting ready to leave.  Since my dad had to bring my brother and sister-in-law over to my mom's house, we were trying to come up with the best plan on how to make that happen since he didn't know where their house was located.  I had mentioned giving him directions or just meeting at his house back in Omaha, but he said we could just follow each other.  I said we could do that but would need to meet up with each other since we were parked in different areas.  My dad started explaining things to me and I just lost it.

I couldn't deal with the information and being responsible for it.  Hell, I wasn't even the one driving.  I told him to talk to my husband and walked out.  I needed a break and some air. Apparently my father and husband worked it out so we all took off to our vehicles.  We had a little problem with ours (the sliding door wouldn't open) so it took us a bit longer to reach the meetup area.  When we did arrive, my father was nowhere to be found.  We drove a little bit, looking for him.  No luck.  So I called him and he didn't answer.  I called my brother.  No answer.  I called my sister-in-law and our luck ran out.  My husband kept asking me what we should do and I kept getting more and more anxious and upset.

I've learned that when I'm already having issues (depressed or dealing with anxiety), making decisions is something I am incapable of doing.  I figure it is because I'm already dealing with so much shit going on in my head that anything else just pushes me completely over the edge.  This was one of those times.

Eventually I told him to just pull over until we could reach my dad.  We did after some time and I thought we were figured out.  Nope.  So we talked on the phone again.  We still weren't on the same page.  I was done so I told him we should just head back to Omaha and meet at his house.  He agreed.

Once on the interstate, my husband decided he needed something to drink so he suggested we stop at one of the towns and meet my dad there.  Called dad and he thought that sounded like a great plan so we met at a gas station.  Once everyone did their thing, we went to leave and my dad, instead of following us, took the lead.  Are you kidding me?

My husband was feeling just as frustrated as I was so we just let it be.  We caught up to them right before the exit to my father's house.  And my father took it!  My husband asked me what we should do and I told him to just keep driving.  Immediately, my phone rang and it was my dad.  He said he messed up and they would get right back on the interstate.  They did and we were on the phone and off it for the ride to my mom's house.

I was so glad to get there.  I tried not to let my frustration and anger show to my dad and I know he felt some tension but not all of it.  We hugged it out and I told him we would talk later.

Part two will be up soon.  Just writing this I've just about worked up into the emotions I was feeling that day.  Not cool.

(Part two can be read here and part 3 here.)

"It's kind of a funny story"

I recently finished the book "It's kind of a funny story" by Ned Vizzini.  It is a fantastic book for anyone with depression and for those who live with/love someone with depression.  He addresses mental illness in a way that is refreshing and real since he did spend time in a psychiatric hospital for five days. 

Here's the synopsis of the book (from Goodreads):

Like many ambitious New York City teenagers, Craig Gilner sees entry into Manhattan's Executive Pre-Professional High School as the ticket to his future. Determined to succeed at life--which means getting into the right high school to get into the right college to get the right job--Craig studies night and day to ace the entrance exam, and does. That's when things start to get crazy. 

At his new school, Craig realizes that he isn't brilliant compared to the other kids; he's just average, and maybe not even that. He soon sees his once-perfect future crumbling away. The stress becomes unbearable and Craig stops eating and sleeping--until, one night, he nearly kills himself. 


Craig's suicidal episode gets him checked into a mental hospital, where his new neighbors include a transsexual sex addict, a girl who has scarred her own face with scissors, and the self-elected President Armelio. There, isolated from the crushing pressures of school and friends, Craig is finally able to confront the sources of his anxiety. 


Ned Vizzini, who himself spent time in a psychiatric hospital, has created a remarkably moving tale about the sometimes unexpected road to happiness. For a novel about depression, it's definitely a funny story.


Some things from the book that really hit home for me were when the main character talks about "Tentacles," "Anchors" and  "The Shift."

"Tentacles" are the tasks and events that invade your life.  They make you feel bad, stressed, depressed, or panicked.  These could be things you have to do or feel like you have to do.  "Anchors" are the opposite of "Tentacles" in that they are things that occupy your mind and make you feel good, even if it is only temporary.  "The Shift" is when your life comes back to you.  Your brain works, you are no longer depressed.  There might be little shifts but "The Shift" is the big one where everything is okay again.  

This book has made me start to explore my words and terms for different moments in my depression.  I haven't given it a lot of thought but I like being able to put a word to things that are intangible.  If I explain these words to my friends and family, it saves me from having to explain in greater detail when that is often quite difficult, if not impossible, for me in the moment.  Definitely need to work on this some more.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Joy

I love the Brave Girls Club.

Dear Joyful Girl,

Joy is good. Did you know there's a difference between happiness and joy?

"Joy is untouched by circumstance."

You see, happiness is sometimes fleeting. Joy is a state of mind; that no matter what happens, no matter how much we had planned on a different outcome, that we will always center our lives on what is RIGHT rather than what is WRONG. We will trust the moment and the unexpected gifts that every moment holds. We will trust the moment and the unexpected gifts that every moment holds, even the scary, strange, and unexpectedly difficult moments. Especially those moments, actually.

Even Oprah said it perfectly:

"What I know for sure is that you feel real JOY in direct proportion to how connected you are to living your truth."

Living your truth means listening very closely to the very quiet voice that is constantly trying to get your attention. Living your truth means being very very still and seeking truth and beauty and goodness and small miracles all the days of your life. Living your truth means being exactly who YOU are, in spite of who and what others around you are. Living your truth is a joyful life, a path that no circumstances can every rip you off of.

Joy can be felt anywhere, at any time, in any situation. This is the truth.

Go forward in JOY, Brave Girl!

xoxo

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Alcohol reactions

I don't drink very often anymore.  I will occasionally have a drink or take a sip of something but I generally elect to avoid alcohol.  No real reason except that I really don't enjoy drinking or getting drunk.  Alcoholism also runs in my family.

On my meds, it is recommended that you don't drink.  But I was curious how alcohol would affect me so I had a few mimosas on Christmas day morning.  My husband and I have started a tradition of having French toast, bacon or sausage and mimosas for breakfast on that day.  Since I wanted to know how alcohol might affect me, I decided it was a good time to give it a try since we didn't have any plans for the day and it would just be the two of us at home.

And I will not be drinking again, or at least as long as I am on my meds.

Initially I was fine and had a slight buzz from the champagne.  As time progressed, I got dizzy and felt exceptionally hot.  My brain function was not good.  I couldn't concentrate and was having problems selecting the right words and my memory was shot. 

It was not a good feeling. 

Chalking it up to experience and I'm glad to know that I should avoid alcohol. 

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Must remember

In her infinite wisdom and amazing timing, Li shared this little blog with me.  I know she sent it after I relayed the events of the hectic weekend from hell which I will write about soon...probably.

The blog entry she sent is called "Radical Imperfection: Holiday Edition" and is found on the blog "Buffalo Tracts".  The entire entry is wonderful.  But the final message really struck a chord and is something I must remember.

So maybe I can cut myself a little slack. Maybe I can decide that this is a good chance to re-embrace my radical imperfection, and to start writing a little mental speech about how our flaws are what make us beautiful, just in case either of the nieces calls me on that little glue smear I couldn’t quite rub out. Maybe I can allow myself yet again to be human, to be accessible, to be a really good example of someone who made a really good effort and didn’t really make it to the mountaintop but people really loved her anyway.

Good stuff.  Really, really good stuff.  

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Price of happiness, revisited

I had to get my Ativan refilled so this was the first time it was applied to the discount card.  I ended up saving $6.37 on that prescription alone.  So here's the current cost of keeping Shanda medicated and generally happy:
  • Bupropion HCL (generic form of Wellbutrin) 150 mg XL tablet -- $38.08 $32.89 for thirty tablets, saving $5.19
  • Sertraline (generic form of Zoloft) 100 mg tablet --$19.72 $13.20 for thirty tablets, saving $6.52
  • Lorazepam (generic form of Ativan) 0.5 mg tablet -- $16.84 $10.47 for sixty tablets, saving $6.37
 I'm saving $18.06 on my meds.  It's help. 

Three months/two months

It's the time again.  Time for the check in with how my meds are helping or not.  As of today, I have been on the Zoloft (and Ativan as needed) for three months and the Wellbutrin for two months.  And...


In some ways I feel like I'm sliding backwards which really sucks.  I can deal with standing still for the time being and would love to be making improvement but getting worse, no matter how slight, is not acceptable.  It's not getting bad or even overly noticeable but it is apparent to me and to my husband.  In less than a month I will see Dr. S again and see what he thinks. 

Friday, December 14, 2012

Bah humbug

I desperately wish I was able to explain what it feels like to be me and be in my head.  I try to put it into words and have made some strides towards a decent explanation and/or description but there is still just so many different facets that need further exploration and definition.  I want to do this so people understand me and my issues better.  Ultimately, I want those I care about most to know my triggers and problems so they can avoid them whenever possible and help me through the rough patches without me having to go completely insane first.  I don't do well with asking for help and wish that some people would just realize that I need it at specific times.

This coming weekend is crazy.  (Read this blog entry if you want to know a bit more about the crazy.)  I'm stressed and feeling exceptionally overwhelmed.  I also feel like I'm not getting help from my husband.  Of course, I haven't asked for much help, but the things I have requested of him haven't been completed.  My parents are also putting stress on me.  I don't think they realize it nor have I told them. 

Generally, I love this time of year.  I love the traditions, the food, the general sense of joy and love.  I get to see family members I only see occasionally and spend some real time catching up.  There is fun and games and happiness.  Happiness is the best part. 

But to get there, you have to deal with the planning, the shopping, the baking, the cooking, the cleaning, the stressing, the obsessing.  You might have to travel so you have to pack and make arrangements for someone to care for your pets.  Perhaps you book flights and hotels and rental cars. Selecting the right gifts, staying within a budget, getting time off work only adds to the stress.  All of this planning is what pushes me to the edge. 

Me, the hubby and kids don't make it out of town very often.  Between jobs, money, pets and life, it is difficult to arrange time to visit our families for a weekend.  But when we are able to do that, I struggle to make the most of our time.  We try to make it fair and see our families equally.  But someone always gets their feelings hurt or feels like they are being tossed aside in favor of the other parent.  And then they tell me about it and I feel guilty and hurt. 

It's like I'm unable to do anything right.

I don't enjoy the time I get to spend with my family.  It isn't fun for me because I'm too worried about making sure I do my part and make the most of the event and spend equal time with everyone.  I try to make sure that my husband and kids are having a good time and that their needs are being met.  I neglect myself and what I want.  I do what is expected of me and fill the set role for that moment.  I try to be the loving daughter and doting granddaughter.  The fun cousin and caring niece have to show up as well.  Let's not forget super-wife and the non-evil stepmother roles as well. 

I'm fully aware I put a great deal of this on myself but I don't know how to NOT let it get to me.  Maybe I'll figure it out someday.  Maybe I'll get through the weekend without being a bitch to someone (more than likely my husband) or having a crying jag. 

But I need to get a move on.  I still need to pack, wrap gifts, load the car, take the dogs to be boarded, print off driving directions, get my sister a graduation gift, straighten the house, possibly do a load or two of laundry and what seems like a zillion other things.  I also need to shower and continue to try and get over this cold.  Easy peasy, right?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Dear Strong Enough Girl

From the wonderful women at the Brave Girls Club who always seem to know the right thing to say...

Dear Strong Enough Girl,

There are seasons in life that come and go. Sometimes it feels like things will never change, or that we will never get through a certain time in our life -- but we always do, don't we? We always got through everything we ever got through -- there was always enough, somehow things always fell together, and everything we needed always showed up from somewhere -- sometimes just at the nick of time.

Some seasons of life are easy and breezy, some are very difficult. Some of our seasons are filled with people and support, sometimes we have to travel alone. Some of our seasons make perfect sense, even if they are difficult. Some of them make absolutely no sense at all while they are happening. Some of our seasons are downright boring. Some of our seasons completely rock our world. Some of our seasons change everything and nothing is the same after them.

ALL OF OUR SEASONS MAKE US WHO WE ARE.

And we continue to have what we need during each one of them, each season of our lives continue to bring enough of whatever it is we need to get through. Things continue to fall together exactly when they are supposed to.

So no reason to worry. It will keep happening. Even if it's a season of uncertainty, just remember that everything always shows up when its supposed to show up, always lasts as long as its supposed to last, and always teaches us exactly what we are supposed to learn.

Life is incredible like that.

Please don't forget that there is a plan for your life, and all of the seasons will make sense someday. Find the beauty in every single one of them, and especially learn the lessons. Pretty soon the seasons will change!

You are loved beyond measure.
xoxo

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Struggling

This week is very busy and hectic for me because we are heading out of town for the weekend.  This isn't some leisurely trip.  It is the weekend of craziness.  We will celebrate Christmas with my mom's side of the family, my mom and step dad, and then my dad and his wife.  My sister is also graduating from college.  With the exception of the graduation, we do this every year.  I know I will be stressed and on edge and I also know that we will get through it.

However, I didn't anticipate getting sick.

I have a horrible cold - aches and pains, cough, raw throat, itchy ears, fever, chills and just general unpleasantness.  There is so much I need to get done this week but I know I need to take care of myself and get better.

Sigh.

So I'm trying.  Been drinking hot tea and sleeping a great deal.  This all started on Sunday and today, I don't feel better but I also don't feel worse.  I will take that as a win.  As of tomorrow, I will need to start getting stuff together.  I will still baby myself to a certain extent but my obligations must come first.

Here's to make it through this week and the weekend to come with no major issues or breakdowns.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Road trip: 0 ... Shanda: 1

Oh yeah.  I did it. 

No panic attacks.

No freak outs.

No tears.

I can easily call it a total and complete success. 

And that feels pretty damn fantastic.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Road trip

Today I'm driving to Grand Island.  It is about fifty miles away from here and should take me about an hour drive time.  This is the first time I've driven myself out of town in a very long time.  I'm a little nervous but I know I'm going to be okay.

Car rides have been problems for me for the past several years.  I get terrified and jumpy.  It doesn't matter if I am driving or is someone else is driving.  This only happens on longer trips since I am fine driving or riding in town.

For family trips, I've found that there are things I can do to help ease the anxiety.  If I have Ativan, I take one at least an hour before we leave.  I usually take another one as soon as I get into the car.  I sit in the back seat and wear headphones with the music playing as loud as I can stand it.  I also read or play games on my phone.  Keeping me cool also helps a great deal since feeling too warm or hot is a trigger for me.  Chewing gum or sucking on some hard candy is another good thing.  By engaging so many of my senses simultaneously, my brain doesn't have time or energy...or at least not as much...to obsess about the fact that I'm in a car and could possibly die.

When I get the chance to drive, I feel a little better.  It's a control issue.  Not only do I have control over the vehicle, but the driver also has ultimate say on the music and the temperature in the vehicle.

I'm sure I will update soon about how this journey goes.  I'm trying to be as confident as possible and not over-think it.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Phone phobia

The other day, my phone rang.  It was someone I know but I choose to not answer.  My husband and stepkids were questioning me about why I didn't answer.  I tried to just blow it off with some lame excuse.  They didn't let me get away with it so I tried to break it down and explain it.

I'd never done this before.  But, I'm now glad that I can put my fear into words.

I don't have an actual fear of talking on the phone.  My fear is that I'm caught by surprise and don't know how to make a conversation flow when I feel ambushed by the call.  More often than not, I will ignore a call and listen to the voicemail.  (For the record, I hate it when someone calls and doesn't leave a message.  If you do that, I generally won't call you back unless you call multiple times.)  Once I hear the voicemail, I know what the caller wanted and am better prepared for the phone conversation.  I will then call them back.

And that is for numbers that I do know.  Forget about me answering if your number is not in my phone. 

I'm generally okay with calls from my parents, sister or brother.  My husband and stepkids are always on the answer list.  My best friends will not be ignored.  But anyone else, more than likely you will not reach me on a first call.

Perhaps it is childish or stupid but it is how I work.  It is one of those little tricks I have developed to help me best handle life and the situations it may toss in my direction. 

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Bad night turns to bad day

I wrote about the bad night I recently experienced.  It sucked.  But that was only the beginning since the bad night turned into a bad day that had an unexpected surprise.  Lovely.

I was able to get a bit of sleep after I posted my blog.  Didn't get nearly enough but some is better than none.  My brain and thoughts were still going completely bonkers so doing much of anything was difficult.  But I had obligations that day so I did my best even though it was rough going.

Li, Lo and I have a weekly get together on Thursday evenings.  Mostly we do some witchy/pagan/learning/discussion-type of thing.  Every two months we have a divination day where we get a chance to practice on each other and also get a reading our two of our very own.  It's really nice. 

By start time (5:00 pm) my brain was still a murky mess.  I'd taken an Ativan but it wasn't helping.  It was really getting annoying and almost even scary.  Because of how I was feeling, I decided it was best to not do any tarot readings for the girls since interpreting something - anything - was not going to be possible.  Focus was also not happening so most forms of divination were out for me.  I decided I would go ahead and work on some Numerology since there isn't much interpretation involved early on in the reading.  It made sense and still allowed me to play with my best friends.

I was hanging in there.  I worked on the Numerology and listened while Lo did a reading for Li.  I even added some interpretations of my own.  We took a small break then so I decided to use the restroom.

This is when things went wonky and the unwelcome surprise made an appearance.

I used the restroom, washed my hands, dried them and my mind went totally blank.  Blank really isn't the right word for it since there was still the racing thoughts screaming in my brain, but I totally forgot where I was.  I took a couple of deep breaths and stared at myself in the mirror.  It clicked that I was at the library.  However, I had no clue what I was doing at the library.  I walked out of the bathroom and looked around, hoping something would click.  And it did.  But those moments were terrifying.  It maybe lasted twenty seconds but that was too long.

I have never experienced something like this.  I do sometimes forget what I was going to say.  It is like the thought is there and then I go to speak it and poof! it's gone.  I also have been known to walk into a room only to forget the reason for entering it.  Those are small events that happen to a lot of people.  I feel they might happen more often to me but I really have nothing to base that on.

I did make it back to our meeting room and shared, briefly, the issue with Li and Lo.  They were obviously concerned but I needed to leave.  There were offers to follow me but I said I would be okay.  I hoped that was the truth.  I made it to my destination and texted both of them so they knew I was safe and sound.

Later that night, I shared the incident with my husband.  It worried him as well.  I told him that if it happened again, I would share it with Dr. S when I go back in January.  If it happens more than once, I promised that I would contact the doctor immediately and get in to see him ASAP.

The hubby and I also talked about how I was doing.  He feels that I'm backsliding a little and I agree.  I'm not where I was before going back on the medication, but I've had some decrease in patience and increases in crying and being snappish.

The Zoloft should be fully integrated into my system by now so the dosage is doing all that it can for me.  I've been on the Wellbutrin for roughly six weeks and am still not noticing any difference.  Part of me wishes I would have asked Dr. S to just keep me on the Zoloft for a while before changing anything.  It's difficult to tell if the Wellbutrin is having an adverse effect or just not working.  Maybe I just haven't given it enough time.

The plan is to just keep taking my meds as prescribed as long as there are no further incidents or a noticeable, further backslide into why I know to be my symptoms of depression.  If there is a change for the worse or I have another blankout issue, I will see the doctor immediately.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Bad night

I'm having one of those bad nights. My brain will not shut up. My mind will not shut off. My thoughts are racing and I am helpless to make them stop. I haven't had a night like this in a long time.

Luckily, I've been able to keep the panic from escalating into a full-blown panic attack. Took an Ativan just to be on the safe side.

Hopefully I will be able to wind down soon and get some sleep.

Support group

It has been a few years since I have been to the local mental health support group.  I did enjoy going and stopped because I just didn't want to go anymore.  I'd gone faithfully for a number of months and then stopped.  Several months later, I returned only to never return again.  But I'm thinking about going back.

The support group is organized through NAMI.  There is a group leader who keeps us on track and reminds us of the goals of a NAMI peer support group.  We mostly go around in a circle and tell about how we have been doing.  For the regulars, this means talking about how things have been going for the past week since the last group meeting.  When you are new, you share your story which generally includes your diagnosis and what has been going on since you first found out you had some form of mental illness.  If you have been gone for a while, you recap and hit on your diagnosis and just give a general update on what has been going on since you were last active within the group.

My first visit was full of tears.  Lots of crying.  Luckily for me, it was a small group that week.  The people in the support group were all very different, will a variety of mental illnesses.  Our stories were different yet the same.  We were all struggling with making our lives the best possible.  Each of us wanted to find that delicate balance that would allow us to be ourselves and not our mental illness diagnosis. 

But the time has come for me to give it a chance again.  I need that support and reminder that I'm not alone in my battle.  I need to talk to virtual strangers about my thoughts and feelings.  Talking to people I don't know allows me to be more open and honest because I don't feel like I need to censor myself or word issues in a manner that won't hurt the listener.  Plus, these are the people that understand because they have been there.  They don't judge because they do not want to be judged. 

I will go back Monday. 

I'm slightly nervous but not as much as I was at that first meeting.  It's a good nervous, at least that is what I think.  Hopefully my experience will be just as helpful as it was in the past.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Respect yourself

 Just a kind reminder to myself.  From the Brave Girls Club.



Dear Lovely Girl,

Sometimes you are the only one on earth who knows exactly the battles that you have had to fight, the dragons you have had to slay, the muck you have had to walk through, the pain you have had to endure, the strength you have had to build, the wisdom you have had to earn. Sometimes you are the only one who knows the depth that is behind your own eyes.

For this reason, beautiful friend, it is so important that you give yourself the kind of respect that you would give to someone who has lived through all that you have lived through. It is so important that you are compassionate with yourself, that you are gentle with yourself, that you are patient with yourself. It is so important that you continue to remind yourself that you have made it through tough things and that you will continue to make it through things. It is so important that you give yourself credit for what you have learned so far instead of comparing yourself with others. It is so important that you cheer yourself on, instead of putting yourself through the ringer. It is so important that you are fair and kind with this sacred information that you have about yourself. No one, aside from our Creator, knows what we know about ourselves, and so we must be careful and responsible and a noble guardian over these things.

You are worth whatever it takes for you to be respectful, kind, patient and good to yourself. Listen to your heart, listen to your dreams, listen to the things that hurt and take care of them. No matter how much someone else loves you, they can not know what it means to BE you, and so you must do the work of BEing you, and taking care of you.

Take the time, dear friend. You are so important.
Be good to YOU, so that you can be good to everyone you love, and good AT everything you love.

You are so very loved.

xoxo

Friday, November 23, 2012

Freaking out...continued

So I'm sending the link today.  I'm late but I'm doing it.  This is what I'm sending my select audience:

I'm finally to a place where I want to share my blog with a select few people.  Congrats on winning the prize.

I want you to know that you are under no obligation to read it - now or in the future, you don't have to comment on the posts, you don't need to tell me you are reading it or not, you don't need to follow it...basically, it is your call what to do with this information.

I will, however, welcome comments and questions - both on the blog and in person.  I would love it if you read it and follow it.  I am sending you the link because you are someone I honor, cherish and respect.  I also trust you.

My blog focuses on my on-going battle with depression and other forms of mental illness.  I'm not always the best at expressing myself vocally and feel much more competent and comfortable with the written word.  If you choose to read my blog, you will understand me a bit better...or at least that is my hope.

Enjoy it, or not...remember this is your call.  Soon I hope to share my blog with more people.  But until I'm ready for that, you are my audience.  Thank you.

Love,
Shanda

I'm sending this to my husband, sister, mother, step father, Lo and Li.  

Deep breath...and...send... 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Freaking out

When I started my blog, I knew that I would eventually share it.  First with those I'm closest with and then, in time, with acquaintances and those I'm associated with via other forms of social media.  I want to share it so those I know can understand me and my struggles a little bit more.  It is also an easier way to open up the lines of communication to ask questions and get answers. 

In the long run, I would love it if my blog could make a difference for someone.  Maybe that person feels alone and stumbles upon this and realizes he/she is not.  Perhaps a family member who is trying to understand a loved ones thoughts and feelings about his/her depression will read something here that helps them garner greater understanding.  Maybe it will smooth some roads.  If it doesn't do any of that, I'm fine because when it all comes down to it, this blog is for me and my journey.

I'm freaking out because I originally told myself that I would invite some people to view my blog once there were fifty posts.  That number was passed and I felt a bit of disappointment in myself because I didn't share it.  Truth be told, I wasn't ready.  There was a chance I would never be ready but I needed to get my thoughts, fears and information out there.  I set the goal of sixty posts and even told my husband that I would share once I hit that magic number. 

That magically numbered post was the previous one.  This is sixty-one.

Tomorrow I'm sending the link to at least five people. 

Sweet dreams

Hubby is on the night shift again.  He leaves the house between 9:00 and 9:45 pm and is generally home around 8:00 am, 6:00 am at the earliest.  This has been working very well for me in regards to a sleep schedule.

Most nights, I'm going to bed as he is leaving, or shortly after.  I get up by 8:00 am at the latest but usually am up somewhere around 6:00 am.  I'm getting the sleep I need and feel rested throughout the day and only start to feel tired when it gets close to bedtime.  I'm no longer taking naps during the day.

Yesterday I had a massive headache and a very sore throat so I took a few smallish naps.  Doing so bit me in the ass come bedtime and I ended up not not being able to fall asleep until somewhere close to 4:00 am.  I did get up just after 8:00 am since the dogs decided they'd had enough sleep and wanted to get outside and then have some breakfast.  Small blessings for needy doggies who think their needs should come first. 

Since I didn't want to fall back into an up late, sleep in late sleep schedule, I got up and have been up all day.  I'm sure I will sleep well tonight.  I should but you never know what the body will decide to do at any given moment. 

I am really hoping to maintain this schedule.  I like it and it really works well for me and will continue to work well once my husband returns to his regular job and his typical hours.  I'm also hopeful that I will find a 9-5 type of job so I'll already have the sleep thing covered.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Crabby and impatient

Earlier this evening, my hubby and I were looking at some of the Black Friday advertisements online.  We often look at these ads for the good buys on thing we need and gifts for the holidays.  I hadn't felt well all day and he was tired and just in a lazy mindset.  However, we decided to look at them anyway.

This was a small mistake.

We used my laptop so I was opening pages, scrolling and whatnot.  He was leaning back on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and cuddling with the dogs.  I asked him to tell me when he was ready to go to the next page and he did, just not always in a clear manner that indicated he was definitely ready to move on.  This caused some impatience on my part since I was doing the mousing.  He also couldn't read many of the words on the ads because he was so far away from the screen.  He would ask me what something was.

Finally, I got crabby...maybe even bitchy...and snapped at him slightly because he was fully capable of sitting up to see better or running the mouse on his own.

That was when I realized I needed an Ativan.  I excused myself and took one using the place it under your tongue method that is encouraged to speed up the medicine getting into your bloodstream.  For the record, it really doesn't taste bad.

When I reentered the living room, he asked me what I'd gone to do.  I told him nothing and we went about browsing the ads some more.  There were some more instances of crabby so I told him that I had taken an Ativan because I realized I was being impatient and crabby towards him.  He apologized.  I apologized.

In the end, it went better.  Neither of us was in the right mindset to be looking at the ads in the first place so it only progressed from bad to worse.  Talking it through helped and the Ativan made a difference.  

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Two months/One month

As of today, I've been on my Zoloft for two months and on my Wellbutrin for one month.  And...


Still nothing of noticeable difference.  I know it's still early on in the treatment process as far as the Wellbutrin goes, and I am trying my best to NOT obsess about it, but...sigh.

On the positive side, I am NOT:
  • Depressed
  • Suicidal
  • Bitchy
  • Having crying jags
  • Overly moody
  • Staying away from social activities
  •  Hiding in the bedroom like it is my only safe haven at home
But I am still:
  • Blah
  • Unmotivated
  • Just floating along with no real feelings one way or the other
  • Having mind issues - concentration and remembering things/what I was planning to say
So, for now, I'm going to look on the bright side, embrace the silver lining and just be okay.  

Friday, November 16, 2012

The price of happiness has gone down

I mentioned that I had found a discount prescription site and requested information.  It is a free site and the info sent to you is also free.  I was a bit worried it was a total scam but so far, it seems legit.  I don't receive random emails, phone calls or text messages from them.  The only communication was them sending me some coupons to my email address to use if needed before my card arrived. 

The card arrived earlier this week and since I needed to have my prescriptions for Zoloft and Wellbutrin refilled, I decided to give it a try.  I use the pharmacy at Walmart and it was listed as a participating pharmacy so I was hopeful.  I still don't have health insurance so any help, no matter how little, makes a difference.

When I picked up my meds yesterday, I handed the card over and the pharmacist assistant looked confused but she said she would run it anyway.  I waited and was starting to feel like it was a hopeless cause when she summoned me to the counter.  It did work and I did get a discount.  It wasn't all that much but it helps.

I haven't had my Ativan refilled yet so I don't know what kind of savings I will get on it but will report that when I can.  But here are the new prices, with the discount applied:
  • Bupropion HCL (generic form of Wellbutrin) 150 mg XL tablet -- $38.08 $32.89 for thirty tablets, saving $5.19
  • Sertraline (generic form of Zoloft) 100 mg tablet --$19.72 $13.20 for thirty tablets, saving $6.52
My total savings equaled $11.71.  I'll take it. 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

How to improve your mood

I know I've referenced the website Tiny Buddha a few times in the past.  It's a great website/blog with a lot of good information.  The article "30 ways to improve your mood when you're feeling down" arrived in my inbox and I loved it.  Here are the tips:

1. Step back and self-reflect. Whenever I start feeling depressed, I try to stop, reflect, and get to the root of my feelings.  

2. Reach out to someone. I used to bottle up my feelings out of fear that I would be judged if I talked about them. I’ve since learned that reaching out to a loving, understanding person is one of the best things I can do.    

3. Listen to music. Music can heal, put you in a better mood, make you feel less alone, or take you on a mental journey.   

4. Cuddle or play with pets. I have really sweet and happy dogs that are always quick to shower me with love whenever they see me. Spending quality time with a loving pet can instantly make your heart and soul feel better.  

5. Go for a walk. Walking always helps me clear my head and shed negative energy. It’s especially therapeutic if you choose to walk at a scenic location.  

6. Drink something healthy and reinvigorating. For some reason, orange juice always puts me in a better mood and makes me feel revitalized and serene. There are many health and mood benefits of drinking orange juice and other fruit juices.    

7. Write. Writing is usually the first thing I do when I’m feeling down. It always helps me get my thoughts and feelings out in front of me.    

8. Take a nap. Sometimes we just need to recharge. I always feel better after getting some rest.   

9. Plan a fun activity. Moping around never helps me feel any better, so it usually helps to plan something fun to do if I’m feeling up to it. It can be something as simple as creating my own vision board or something as big as planning a trip.     

10. Do something spontaneous. Some of my favorite memories entail choices I made spontaneously. We should all learn to let go of routine every now and then and do something exciting and unplanned.      

11. Prioritize. Sometimes I feel depressed when my priorities are out of balance. I try to make sure I’m giving a fair amount of attention to all the priorities in my life, such as work, relationships, health, and personal happiness.

12. Look through old photographs or snap some new ones. Sorting through old memories or capturing new ones usually puts a smile on my face.   

13. Hug someone. I am definitely a hugger. Hugs are such an easy way to express love and care without having to say a word.  

14. Laugh. Watch a funny movie or spend time with someone who has a good sense of humor. Laughing releases tension and has a natural ability to heal.  

15. Cry. I don’t like crying in front of people, but whenever I have an opportunity to slink away and cry by myself, I always feel better afterwards. Crying releases pain.  

16. Read back over old emails or text messages, or listen to old voicemails. Whenever I feel dejected or bad about myself, I like to read kind emails and comments from my blog readers or listen to cute voicemails from my grandmother. Doing so reminds me that I’m loved, thought about, and appreciated.  

17. Reconnect with someone. Get back in touch with an old friend or a family member that you haven’t spoken to in awhile. Reconnecting with people almost always puts me in a good mood and fills my heart up with love.   

18. Write yourself a letter. I try to separate myself from my ego and give myself a pep talk every now and then. Cicero said, “Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.”  

19. Try a deep breathing exercise. There are all kinds of deep breathing exercises out there. Find one you like and do it whenever you’re feeling stressed or overly emotional.  

20. Cultivate gratitude. Practicing genuine gratitude on a daily basis has been a major source of healing in my life. When I step back and notice everything I have to be grateful for, it makes me feel like I have everything I need and that nothing is lacking. It makes me feel whole.   

21. Re-watch a funny or inspiring YouTube video. I recommend Webcam 101 for Seniors. That video cheers me up every time. There are so many funny and inspiring videos online.    

22. Bake something. Baking has always been therapeutic and entertaining for me. Plus, I can eat whatever I baked and share it with others afterward.  

23. Get out of the house. I work from home, so a large majority of my time is spent indoors, planted in front of my laptop. I have to make a point to get out every now and then, whether it’s to get some fresh air or go out to eat with a friend.    

24. Focus on what truly matters to you. Sometimes I forget what matters to me and what isn’t that important. Some things just aren’t worth getting too upset over.  

25. Take a negative comment or situation and look for something positive about it. If someone says something negative to me or I get stuck in an unpleasant situation, sometimes it helps to look at it from a different angle. Perspective is everything.  

26. Daydream. Take a mental vacation. Let your mind wander for a while.   

27. Let some natural sunlight come in. Opening all the blinds and curtains and letting natural sunlight flood your home can help elevate your mood.   

28. Take a mental health day. Sometimes we just need to take a day to clear our heads and nurture our souls. My mental health has a history of being a bit erratic, so nurturing it is a priority in my life.  

29. Let go. This is a very simple mantra of mine. I usually say it to myself multiple times each day, which has been very liberating and empowering.    

30. Read Tiny Buddha. And of course, you can always read Tiny Buddha! I personally love the quotes section. There is a category for almost every universal theme or emotion.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Sometimes the universe knows what you need

The past few blog entries have been about me obsessing over when and if the Wellbutrin will work for me and, more specifically, about my fear of what it means for me and my mental health recovery IF it doesn't work and we have to take other steps.

So when my "Daily Truth" from the Brave Girls Club arrived in my inbox just a few minutes ago, I had to smile.

Dear Loved Girl,

Sometimes things are so much more simple than we make them out to be in our wild imaginations. We often think too much, analyze too much, let our minds wander too much...and then we end up concocting a wild story that we begin to see as real....then we suffer over all of the facts in that story (the facts that we made up)...we grieve, we stress, we feel wounded.

There can be a million reasons why you didn't get the phone call you were waiting for, why he didn't act very friendly when you ran into him, why she is being particularly distant, why things didn't work out the way you thought was the best. We think about how hard something is going to be, or if we might fail. We think about whether he or she thinks we are good enough or smart enough or fun enough.

Think a little bit about what you have control over. If you are worried about something...is there something that you can do to fix it or change it? If there is...sweet! Do it and stop worrying. If there isn't....darn, realize that there's nothing you can do about it anyway so it's time to stop worrying.

No reason to worry, or fret, or stress or make things bigger than they are. Live your beautiful life. Look all around you and be grateful for every little thing. Focus on the things that you have influence over...love them, cherish them, enjoy them. Let life be simple...let life surprise you a little bit...don't think too hard. Do your best and let everything else go.

Why? Because that is the path to peace....and it will make you happy.

You are so loved.
xoxo

It's true and I know it.  There is nothing I can do about the Wellbutrin except to take it and wait.  I need to just accept that and move on.  Sometimes you just need another reminder. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

A sleep schedule...maybe

My husband is back on the night shift.  This means he leaves for work sometime between 8 and 10 pm and then gets home anywhere between 6 and 10 am.  It also means that I try to go to sleep after he leaves and then wake up when he gets home. 

So far (one day) it has worked well.  I'm hoping that it will continue and that I can maintain it.

Once I get that part of the routine set, I will work on the next step.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Real person experience

In a text conversation with Li, I asked how long it took for the Wellbutrin to work for her.  Here's our convo:

Me:  How long did it take for you to feel like the Wellbutrin was working?

Li:  Way longer than with other antidepressants, and it's a subtle helper.  Doesn't make me feel or behave differently, just overall there's a noticeable change...

[Me jumping the gun and responding, not knowing Li was adding more in her next text]

Me: Okay.  So can you ballpark how long it took until the noticeable change was evident?

Li:  ...in number of down days, sleepless nights, etc.  And it's much easier to mute the "self-hatred channel" in my brain when it turns on.

Li:  More like forty-five days than the usual two-three weeks.  Then again, I had to ramp up to the max dosage, an am not on anything else... YMMV [your mileage may vary]

Me:  I see.  Thanks.  I'm just growing frustrated because the Zoloft started working so quickly that I got my hopes up.  It's only been three weeks so I need to stop obsessing.

Li:  <3 [heart/love] 
 
Me: :) lmL [smiley face and I love you in sign language]

That made me feel better about not feeling anything from the Wellbutrin yet.  So I'm going to do what I can to not focus and obsess about when or if it is going to work for me.  It's a process.

While I hate that Li suffers from depression, I'm so glad that I have a very close friend that I can talk to about  meds, fears, setbacks and triumphs in regards to mental illness.  I have other friends and family members that I talk with, but I never feel like they fully understand because they have not been there.  And it's not that Li and I have had the same experiences, but we are able to sympathize and empathize with each other. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Three weeks

I'm three weeks into my new med regimen that now includes Wellbutrin.  Sadly, I still feel no differently than I did before I started taking it.  A week ago I thought I was maybe even a bit worse.  I don't really feel that now but I don't feel any different either. 

The frustration continues to grow.  I talked to my husband a bit about it the other day.  He did good with listening and reminded me that I should try to keep calm and just give it some time.  It's good advice that I know but it always helps to bring it to the focal point again. 

And I am trying to not get worked up about it and what it could mean should it not work, but it is hard.  For one, I'm a planner.  I try my best to live in the present moment and not dwell on the past or over think the future.  Sadly, I fail at doing both of those things.  I'm not very good at the whole "wait and see" idea. 

Also, this is my life and well-being that these meds are attempting to help.  That is a HUGE thing and so it really is of top concern.  I know worrying about it does nothing but cause me to worry more and obsess.  It's not healthy for me and it is certainly not some mindset that I should get wrapped up in and over analyze.  I'm trying not to do that.

But it is difficult.

Very, difficult.

Sigh.

I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm trying to take a very proactive approach to handling my mental illness issue and I cannot do anything about how my meds may or may not work for me.  I have no control over that aspect except for how I deal with the "wait and see" methodology, which I'm not dealing with in a very good or productive manner. 

Add to that the fact that I'm a bit of a control freak and ugh, it is a recipe for many small freakouts and a few big ones.  Okay, I'm very much so a control freak and there is no "bit" about it and there are more big freakouts than small ones. 

I am trying.  I'm trying to remain in the present moment and just take one day at a time.  The phrases "what if" and "when will it" fly through my head at a rapid pace but I'm doing what I can to ignore them.  If I cannot ignore them, then I'm trying to address them slightly but not fixate on the thoughts or let them get out of hand. 

It is important to remember that it can take upwards of eight weeks, if not more, for the meds to enter into my system and begin to work.  Li said it took a long time for the Wellbutrin to start to show any affect on her depression.  I really should ask her how long it took for her.  That way I have a real person reference instead of the vague doctor and/or pharmacist statement.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Unmotivated

When I first started this blog, I had high hopes that I would stay dedicated to it and post often.  As I'm getting more and more settled into the meds and the treatment process, I find that I have less and less to write about.  I know that I could do daily updates with my overall feelings and thoughts but, as of right now, they are pretty much the same each and every day.  How boring would that be?

Monday - feeling okay-ish but still unmotivated and just blah.

Tuesday - still unmotivated, mostly okay and overall just blah.

Wednesday - blah, semi-okay, no motivation.

Repeat, repeat, repeat...

YAWN!

It also does absolutely nothing for me.  It doesn't help me realize anything about my depression or anxiety or how the meds are or are not working.  So know that when time goes by between entries, I'm just here.

Just floating.

Just blah.

Just unmotivated.

Just okay-ish. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

Never alone

The above people have all experienced one of the major mental illnesses of Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder or Major Depression (in case you cannot read the small print.)
I know that there are many people out there who have gone through or are going through the same things as me.  While I hate knowing that others have to deal with the crap associated with a mental illness, I do find some comfort in remembering that I'm never truly alone in the fight for an improved and happy life. 

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is an amazing organization and a wonderful resource.  If you have a mental illness or have someone with a mental illness in your life, check it out. 

The video below is a 30 second PSA reminding those who are struggling with a mental illness that they are not alone in the fight.  And that they can win the fight.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Three hundred thirty-six hours

Today is week two of being on Wellbutrin and still nada.  In fact, if anything, I feel a bit more bitchy and moody.  I don't know if this is because I'm settling in to my meds or what.  It's not bad but it's not exactly good either.

Motivation is still severely lacking.  I just really don't care much about doing anything or plans.  I'm doing what I can to stick to my schedules and obligations but I feel a cold coming on and that will put me out of commission for the most part until it runs its course.

Still feeling a bit hopeless about the Wellbutrin not working yet.  It's frustrating and my biggest fear is that it won't work and we will need to either up the Zoloft dosage or start playing medication roulette by starting over with hit and miss trials.  I really don't want to go through that again but I also want and need to get well.

Oh...that nice sleep schedule that I was maintaining?  Yep, totally fucked and gone now.  My husband's schedule is still funky and I haven't really done anything to remedy the sleeping/waking/alarm blaring situation so I'm staying up all night and then sleeping for a good part of the morning and some of the afternoon.

Something has to change and soon because I cannot deal with the sleep schedule.  And I'm hoping beyond hope that the Wellbutrin will kick in and work as the doctor thinks it will.  I don't go back to see him until January but he did say I could get scheduled to come in to see him if I was having issues.  I'm not having issues and won't even consider making an appointment until I've been on the Wellbutrin for at least eight weeks or something goes "bad" and I hit the scary place. 

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Take your Ativan...revisited

Had a quaint get together with Li, her husband, their boys, me and my husband at Li's house.  It was in celebration of Samhain.  We brought some snacks and drinks, they provided some snack and drinks and we all communed around the fire pit in the back yard.  It was a lovely night.

Due to some of my recent experiences in social situations, I took an Ativan prior to the event.  It worked.  It was a very laid back evening but towards the end I was feeling a bit frustrated with my husband.  I felt we needed to head home (for many reason such as the host being super tired and falling asleep as well as the fact that my husband actually had to get home and try to snag a couple hours of sleep before heading to work at 4:30 am.)

Even though I was feeling frustrated, I didn't get to the point of being angry or bitchy.  I was able to express my frustration in a very polite manner that worked out very well for everyone involved.

This just further proves my social situation = Ativan hypothesis

Monday, October 29, 2012

Take your Ativan

I guess you can say that I've learned the hard way that when going into a social situation, I need to take an Ativan prior to the event and bring more for during the event.

Saturday, we had a huge Samhain celebration with our Pagan group.  It requires a fair amount of planning for me and Lo and we pretty much spend the entirety of the event rushing around from one activity to the next with very little time to socialize or actually enjoy the event.  This is the fifth Samhain we've hosted so it is a bit easier every time but still quite stressful.  My husband, step kids and a friend of the girl child were also there so there was a bit of additional stress.

Knowing this, I took an Ativan several hours before the event, about two hours before we began setting up.  I then took another one an hour in to the event and had one left if necessary.  It wasn't but I did enjoy myself much more.  I didn't have a freak out.  I didn't snap at anyone.  I didn't cry.  I didn't have a panic attack. 

I WAS NOT A BITCH.

The next day, Li and her husband were hosting a ritual experience.  I wasn't required to do anything but show up and enjoy watching and/or participating in the ritual.  I also did not have to do a single bit of the planning for this event.  Not one single thing.

I should have been fine.  I should have been relaxed and enjoying myself.

Nope.

I WAS A BITCH...at least towards my husband.  (For which I did apologize for later.)


I was on edge and moody.  I was snappy towards the husband and built into a small panic that I was able to get under control before it exploded into a full-blown attack.   I was impatient and I really didn't like myself but didn't feel like I had control over it.

Later I talked to my husband about it and we examined how it all worked out.  He agreed with my conclusion that social events = Ativan for me.  I knew I would plan to take them for a while when I was going into stressful situations but didn't realize I would need them when I was going out for what should be a mostly stress-free event.  Now I know.

I guess I don't now for sure but the evidence points to my hypothesis being accurate and correct for now.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Seven days

As of today, I have been on Wellbutrin for seven days.  So far, I don't feel any different.  I know that it can take some time to get into my system but since it seemed like the Zoloft worked quite quickly, I was a bit hopeful. 

It is difficult waiting.  Once I decided to get back on my meds, I was ready to get going and start feeling better.  And I did initially but I wasn't where I really wanted to be.  So Dr. S added the Wellbutrin.  If it does what he thinks it will do, I am going to be in a very good position.  Crossing my crossables that he's correct. 

Everything else med-wise seems to be on track and working as it should.  I won't be recording my progress, or lack thereof, with the Wellbutrin weekly.  Monthly seems to make much more sense since that is what I'm going to switch to in order to monitor how I'm doing on my Zoloft.  Of course, should I see a difference and feel that it has kicked in, I will definitely make mention of that.

There was a job opening (might still be open) that I was contemplating submitting an application for.  It is part-time at a place I adore.  I did a lot of thinking and even though I may regret it, I didn't feel I was quite ready to put myself out there.  Actually, I was okay with putting myself out there but it was the fear of getting the job and failing miserably because of some depression or anxiety flare up.  I didn't want to burn that bridge or set myself up for a potential downward spiral since I'm still just teetering on the edge of being "okay."  

Thursday, October 25, 2012

"I see the Light" lyrics

This song is in the movie "Tangled" and is performed by Mandy Moore and features Zachary Levi.  Below are the lyrics.  It makes me think about my descent into the real me, the one who is happy and cares about life again.  Both the "you" in the lyrics and the "I" are me so it is like I'm talking to myself, telling the depressed Shanda that the real Shanda is the one I want to be.  And yes, I am aware that this is meant as a love song but hell, if I cannot love myself, then who can?

All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream

All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things the way they were
Now she's here shining in the starlight
Now she's here, suddenly I know
If she's here, it's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog is lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you, now that I see you

Monday, October 22, 2012

Taking on a new responsibility

Meds must be working because...I went ahead and signed up to chair the Setup/Clean up Committee for post prom.  I'm already feeling a little bit of apprehension about this but know that it will be fine.  My husband is my co-chair so he knows my signs and how to best help me work through any issues that may arise.

The prom isn't until March but the planning needs to start now.  This chairperson role involves chairing the committee (obviously) but also conducting monthly meetings and all things that go with said meeting.  We have a small list of suggestions and tips but it seems like we will be somewhat flying by the seats of our pants. 

So yes, a little apprehension but I wouldn't have signed up to do it if I didn't think I would be able to handle it.  Husband will help but I know he's mostly there for the muscle and that I will be the one doing the planning and organizing.  I know I can do this and am a little excited to have some responsibilities outside of the home.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Validation

I feel like I'm going to start to annoy people with asking "Do you think I'm better?" because I really want to know what other people think.  Deep down, I know it only truly matters what I feel but there are so many people in my life that have been affected by my depression and anxiety that I want to know if they are seeing an improvement.  Maybe I need to put it out there to those I'm closest with that I want them to tell me if they have noticed any changes or improvements and to let me know if they see any in the future.

In other news, I'm laughing.  That seems like such a silly and random statement but there have been very few moments of true, deep laughter in the past year.  I'm not saying that I never laughed, but it was rare and something really had to strike me as utterly hilarious.  Now I find myself laughing at typical things like lines in a comedy show, my dogs in their cute matching doggie pajamas, my husband being a goofball. 

Oh, and the smiles...they are real and genuine.  I'm not putting on those fake-ass masks and pretending that I'm happy just so people will leave me alone.  I am truly feeling good.  And when I'm less than happy, I don't fake it for the sake of others.  I'm being the real me and letting my emotions show, even if they are the scary ones.

I'm also putting myself out there some by initiating social activities instead of sitting back and waiting for an invitation.  I'm feeling a bit more comfortable and confident with myself again.  I'm excited about getting out and doing things.  I'm not going crazy and scheduling multiple engagements a day, but I'm going out at least twice a week. 

I've missed this

I've missed me.

Friday, October 19, 2012

New med

Started taking Wellbutrin today.  I know it will take a while to actually get into my system and start helping (or not helping...never know how these things will go) but I'm hopeful that it will be the kick I need.  I really do not want to start on a completely new drug regimen but will if that is the only option.  Gods, I hope it is not the only option.

Other than that, the sleeping schedule is back to a more so regular person schedule.  Most nights I get to bed between 10:00 pm and 11:00 pm and am usually up around 7:00 am.  This has been going on for the past several days.  Next week, my husband will be starting a "typical" schedule for his job where he has to be to work at 7:00 am.  This will help me with my sleep schedule since it's really just easier to go to bed when he does and wake up around the same time. 

I'm also, as per doctor's orders, to be working towards the healthy lifestyle that will help with my depression.  Part of this is to get on a sleep schedule so yay me.  I'm also supposed to start getting regular exercise and eating in a healthier way.  Anything else that promotes a healthier lifestyle is encouraged.  Since I no longer smoke and rarely drink alcohol and caffeinated beverages, I have a few of those "good" things checked off my life. 

Because I'm a list maker, I will be working on some goals for a healthier lifestyle list this weekend.  I know I will share it here because it makes sense and also, by making it public, makes me more accountable.  Yes, maybe no one will ever read my blog but I can still take accountability that someone could and may ask me about it.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Good advice

I'm all about promoting other people, especially when what they say/write totally resonates with me and with what I'm experiencing.  This post from Tiny Buddha called "Uplifting Depression: 15 Unexpected Lessons from Adversity" was one such thing.  In a way, I'm following the lead of this post by blogging through my experiences with depression.

My favorite part of the entry is about the unexpected lessons you can learn from something less than pleasant.  I'm not really in the place to start such a list right now, but I think it is a fantastic idea for the future.  Not only will this list help me reflect on how much I was actually able to learn and gain from this struggle but perhaps it will aid someone else who may stumble upon my blog.

Here are the 15 unexpected lessons:
  1. Don’t ignore warning signals in your body. Frequent petty colds, stomach aches, and headaches may all be a sign of stress. 
  2. There is no need to be strong all the time, and even less of a need to maintain an image of strength in front of others. 
  3. Achievements and titles mean nothing if they’re not something you’re passionate about. 
  4. Creativity is therapeutic, and it’s in everyone, just sometimes suppressed. 
  5. We need to matter the most to ourselves—over any job promotion, meeting, excel spreadsheet. 
  6. Not replying to emails immediately is not the end of the world. 
  7. We all need spare time for ourselves—time for solitude and reflection. 
  8. It doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks, if we know in our hearts something isn’t right. 
  9. Most petty worries aren’t serious. So save some energy. 
  10. Everything will be okay in time.
  11. Health is the most important thing in the world. 
  12. Sometimes it’s best to stop doing so many things, and instead spend more time enjoying what we have. 
  13. There is no point in being afraid of the uncertainty because it doesn’t change that the future is uncertain. Leap. 
  14. We don’t have to worry about being a disappointment to anyone, because we do not need to live according to anyone else’s expectations of us. 
  15. We will all hurt. Embrace the pain, and know that suffering is a choice.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The price of happiness has gone up

Today was my one month med check with Dr. S.  It went really good.  As I've said in a few past posts, I'm feeling mostly good but still just a bit blah and unmotivated.  I'm also still having some brain issues in that my thoughts are jumbled at times and I'm increasingly forgetful.  Dr. S said there were three options to remedy this:
  1. Get on a routine that includes at least eight hours of sleep a night.  Exercise daily and live a healthy lifestyle that includes eating properly.  
  2. To increase my Zoloft dosage.  Zoloft tops out at 200 mg and I am currently taking 100 mg.
  3. Add an additional medication to give me a boost without the side effects of increasing my serotonin like Zoloft would do.  He would put me on 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL
The first option is already something I'm working on and it is slowly falling into place.  The sleep schedule is still not right or perfect but that is because of my husband and his current work schedule.  I am trying to eat better and take care of myself physically and spiritually.  It's a process and one that I'm slowly incorporating into my life again.

Option two and three were the ones we discussed.  He wanted to go with option three and I agreed with him.  I'm worried that more Zoloft will make me into a zombie who cannot feel emotions.  It is already messing my my sexual pleasure but that is something I can deal with for now.  Wellbutrin (generic is Bupropion HCL 150 mg XL) will help with the sexual stuff and should give me the boost I need to get motivated and get past the blah feelings.  It will also, hopefully, help with the concentration issues.

Although I have the pills now, I'm not going to take them until Friday.  My Zoloft is almost gone so I might as well start them both at the same time with thirty pills each.  By doing this I also won't be running out of one two days before the other.  It's a little bit OCD of me but that is how I roll.  

So the cost of my happiness has gone up, at least for now, and will if the Wellbutrin works.  Here is my new breakdown for costs of my medications:
  • Bupropion HCL (generic form of Wellbutrin) 150 mg XL tablet -- $38.08 for thirty tablets
  • Sertraline (generic form of Zoloft) 100 mg tablet --$19.72 for thirty tablets
  • Lorazepam (generic form of Ativan) 0.5 mg tablet -- $16.84 for sixty tablets
The Lorazepam is not something I need to refill monthly and, if history is any indication, the sixty tablets should last me around six months.  This makes my monthly medication bill to be just under $60.00.  Not bad, really.  I did find a discount prescription site and my card should arrive in a few weeks.  I'm going to give it a try since it is free.  Heck, it cannot hurt and if I can get my meds for half price or less, it is definitely worth it.  

Dr. S has also pretty much dismissed the thought that I might be bi-polar.  He still wants me to self-monitor for any signs or symptoms.  But he is feeling rather confident that I'm not.  He did mention that it can turn at any time so I'm to report any problems immediately.

Also, I'm to take the Wellbutrin in the morning.  If I find it messes with me being able to sleep, I'm to switch it to something I take before bed.  It's really just a game of chance and figuring out what works best for me.

My next med check will be in three months on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 9:30 am. 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Brain scan

I'm not a nurse or a doctor or even remotely trained in much anything medically related but when I see this, it is more than clear that there is a difference. 


This is not my brain but it is (supposedly) from the Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research and they know their stuff.  The brain scan on the left is of someone who is depressed and/or suffering from depression while the one on the right is of someone not suffering from depression.  It is scary crazy just how different they look. 

But it is an accurate depiction of just how different those people may act and feel. 

The non-depressed person's brain is bright and colorful.  From the scan, it makes me think that the brain and person are lively and experiencing life full-on.  It looks happy.  The other scan looks like a shadow of the non-depressed scan.  There are a few bright parts but overall, it is dark and gloomy.  I seems sad and like it is dying. 

Seeing the differences in the scans helps me remember that I have a mental disorder/illness or a brain disorder.  It is something that is factual and is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain.  My life could be utterly perfect looking from an outside perspective, but I will still be dealing with my depression.  This is not something I can prevent but I can minimize.  I will more than likely always have depression but it is something I can control by following certain steps. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Describing my depression, part 4

I keep doing these posts on "describing my depression" because it is imperative to my own well being to explain what is going on with me and in my head.  I also feel the need to continue to do this so I can work through it and come up with better ways to explain my depression to other people.  I think I'm making some strides in the right direction.

Anyway, several months ago, I stumbled upon this little gem of a guy.  Yep, there he is...chilling at my dinner table and taking up space.  He's the evil, scary, overpowering depression.  He looks like a monster.  He is frightening. 

This little buddy slinks into my brain and takes up residence.  He infects every aspect of my life and works on taking over.  Some days, he wins and you don't get a glimpse at anything or anyone close to me.  Sometimes he shadows me and just casts icky blackness on my moods and actions.  There are even moments when he hides in the very back, taking up so little space that you don't even realize that he's still there or that he can quickly jump back to full-sized, up-front scary.At times, he can disappear completely for several days, weeks, or months.  When he does reappear, sometimes it is as a bigger than life, in-your-face slam but it can also arrive in a slow trickle until he is flooded everywhere. 

You cannot stop him from hanging around but you can tame him and cage him some, rendering him incapable of interfering with your life.  I do this by taking anti-depressants.  I also help keep him at bay but getting enough sleep, living a healthy lifestyle, utilizing my coping mechanisms and relying on some routines and schedules.  It is not a perfect or fool-proof solution but it is working for now.