Thursday, December 5, 2013

Remembering that you always pull through


http://vickioart.com/
Beautiful, Courageous Girl,

You have been through a lot, and you always pulled through. You are a champ at pulling through! Sure, there were some things that you may have done differently given the chance, but all in all, you made it through every storm, every fire and up every mountain.

When is the last time you sat down to REALLLLY think about how far you have come? When is the last time you listed all of the things you have learned, all of the weaknesses you have overcome and all of the times you chose to see the good stuff even though the bad stuff seemed to outweigh it?

Sometimes you just need to tally it all up. We all forget how far we have come and we only focus on how far we still have to go. Imagine having to run a marathon and never knowing how many miles you have run, you would probably feel like it would never end!

You are so much further along that you think you are. You are so much stronger than you think you are. You have done so much more in the world than you think you have.

Sit down today and really think about the long path that has brought you to now and pat yourself on the back a little. You did a great job!!! And you will continue to do a great job.

Thanks for being so brave. You inspire more people than you will ever know! And you are so very very loved.

xoxo

Courtesy of the Brave Girls Club

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Outwhispering the Gremlins

Dear Shanda,

I hear those Gremlins, and jeez - they’re some mean little suckers.

I’m sorry. I can’t make them go away. They think they’re there to protect you, and no matter how I try, they just won’t skedaddle.

But I promise you this. If you listen to me, you will no longer make decisions based on those voices of fear anymore.

More so than Gremlins, I will always protect you, I will always keep you safe, and I will never lead you astray.

So take my hand, precious. Silence those Gremlins. Hear my voice. Know my truth. Choose with me.

Outwhispering the Gremlins,
Your Inner Pilot Light

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Fitting for my emotions right now

I've always loved this song.  Video and lyrics below.




"House of Sin" by Beth Hart

Violins hear em play
On the fence where I lay
It’s where I lay
Tumble down to the ground
Watch em crash not a sound
There’s no sound

And you say that it don’t matter to me
And you say that all this love’s for free
And you say it don’t matter to me
It don’t matter to me

Take me down
From consciousness
Hold me now
In decadence
Lay me in
Your house of sin
Take me down
There’s no sound

Hold me now
I’m breaking in
Consciousness
House of sin
Somebody swim
Tumble down onto my knee
Watch it burn
Hold your scream
Somebody sing

And you say it’s nothing to me
And you say that all this war’s for free
And you say still it ain’t nothing to me
And I would never agree

So take me now
From consciousness
Hold me now
In decadence
Lay me in
Your house of sin
Take me down
Take me now
There’s no sound

Just look around
Your consciousness is fuckin weak
Just look around
Violins screaming at your feet
Just look around
You’re slurring everytime you speak

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Lies


Dearest Shanda,

All those voices that tell you you’re not good enough / strong enough / smart enough / pretty enough / valuable enough / young enough / healthy enough / perfect enough, they are lies.

Ignore the cruel judge who spews lies and listen to me instead, for I know what is true.

You, my darling, are a perfect little spark of divinity in human form.

You are beyond good enough.Things are just as they should be. Everything is happening in perfect timing, and you are changing and growing and evolving just as you’re meant to.There is nothing for you to do. You need nothing more than who you are in this moment.

If your life were to end right this second, your life would have been a success. There is nothing more you need to prove.

Breathe that in,
Your Inner Pilot Light

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Dear Valuable Girl

Must remember...must remember...must remember...  Thank you for reading my mind, Brave Girls Club.
Dear Valuable Girl,

You don't always have to be so tough, you know. There are people all around who want to help and would jump at the chance if they knew how to help and what you really need and want. There are so many people who love you. You don't have to carry this alone.

Somehow it happens that we isolate ourselves over time, stuck in a mode of survival, and forgetting that there's anything else to think about beyond how to get through the next day, or even the next few minutes. Life is not meant for that kind of living, even though there are stages of life that can stretch for a long time living this way.

Try to reach out today. Call a friend and be really honest about where you are. Try something new -- a new skill, a new recipe, a new route to the same old places. This will help you get unstuck and begin to build a life that is about THRIVING and ENJOYING rather than surviving and enduring. You are SO STRONG and you are so great at surviving and enduring, friend. But everyone who loves you want more for you than that. YOUR SOUL wants more than that, too. You know that, right?

You can do this. There are so many smiles and laughs and new friendships and new adventures ahead for you. Your best years have not even been lived yet. You have so much to look forward to. Decide to LIVE BIG!

xoxo

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Rest

Dear Shanda,

I know some days you feel a little sluggish, like you can’t quite get moving and your ambition disappeared along with your get up and go.

You procrastinate.

Nothing gets done.

Your “to do” list is miserably undone at the end of the day.

But have you ever considered that sometimes the very thing you need in order to get a fire lit under you is rest.

Let me light your fire, baby,
Your Inner Pilot Light

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Authentic Self

There are times when I feel so lost.  Not just in life or in relationships, but in myself.  And that's a scary place to be and it certainly does not feel good.  So reminders such as this from the Brave Girls Club, really help me breathe and remember that I don't need to feel hopeless and lost.  I just need to regroup and remember.

Dear Brave Girl,
You are still in there, every single bit of you. You might feel like you don't know who you are anymore, that your identity has been lost, that you are living a life that you can't even recognize or that your hopes and dreams have been sucked away but some crazy whirlwind . . .whether it happened quickly or very very slowly.
Your soul is in there, your heart is in there, your hopes and dreams and good memories and that happy, fun, adventurous YOU is in there. It is!
You just gotta get unstuck, and you can. You really can. The first thing you must do is put faith in that hope that you are still in there, then listen to that hope. Talk to it. Ask it where it has been and what it needs to come back out. Then keep listening and take action.
It's not too late. It's never, ever too late, and right now seems like the EXACT right time to begin the process of restoring your authentic self back to her true form. You can do it. Don't let the world miss out on you anymore, gorgeous girl. We need you. YOU need you!
You can do it. You are a brave girl, and you are SO loved.
xoxo

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Crickets

October has been a crazy busy month and it's only half over.  I know my blog is going to be neglected for the rest of the month but I did want to write a quick post.

I think I am getting better. 

Life is getting a bit easier.

Not as many panic attacks or down days have plagued me.

I don't want to get my hopes up but I am definitely smiling more.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Find your compassion

Dear Shanda,

I know you still struggle with limiting beliefs, self-sabotaging behaviors, and negative patterns you acquired in your childhood, when you learned to do whatever you felt it took to gain the love of your parents.

But don’t let that make you bitter, sweetheart.
Remember, those who raised you were doing the best they could, and the ways in which they failed you were inherited from those who raised them.

Forgive.

Overcome.

Let go.

Find your compassion.

Here with extra,
Your Inner Pilot Light

Monday, September 30, 2013

Finding beauty

Yet another awesome bit of insight from the Brave Girls Club.
Dear grateful girl,
It might seem like so much is going wrong around you. It might even be true. But there are always many many more good things to see and wonderful things to be grateful for.
If we can get our thoughts to sway away from feeling lack of any kind, whether it's financial or emotional or physical, and instead focus on every little simple and beautiful and lovely thing around us, our lives can be full and abundant and joyful.
When we have difficulties finding the beauty we are looking for or wanting to focus on, we always have the ability and the choice to go out and create it.
Between the beauty and the truth that is already out there to find, and what we can create, we can each find joy and strength at any time. Isn't that wonderful? Life is so good! And you are so loved.
Have a wonderful weekend!
xoxo

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Suicidal ideation

With some full disclosure to my doctor, I got a new label of something I have: Suicidal ideation.

Sounds scary or kind of cool or maybe like an awesome name for a band, huh?

Well, if you look up the definition, it can definitely slip over into Scary Land:
Suicidal ideation is a medical term for thoughts about or an unusual preoccupation with suicide. The range of suicidal ideation varies greatly from fleeting to detailed planning, role playing, and unsuccessful attempts, which may be deliberately constructed to fail or be discovered, or may be fully intended to result in death. Although most people who undergo suicidal ideation do not go on to make suicide attempts, a significant proportion do. Suicidal ideation is generally associated with depression; however, it seems to have associations with many other psychiatric disorders, life events, and family events, all of which may increase the risk of suicidal ideation. Currently, there are a number of different treatment options for those experiencing suicidal ideation.
That one comes from Wikipedia.

From About.com we get:
Strictly speaking, suicidal ideation means wanting to take one's own life or thinking about suicide without actually making plans to commit suicide. However, the term suicidal ideation is often used more generally to refer to having the intent to commit suicide, including planning how it will be done. Suicidal ideation is one of the symptoms of both major depression and bipolar depression.
Ah ha!  That's me if you just reference the strictly speaking part...especially the area I set in bold and underlined for extra impact. 

There are days I wish I was dead.  There are moments when I cannot help but think that it is the only way to be done with this.  I sometimes think that my family would be better off without me and my issues.

But...

I do not have a plan.  I have no intention of harming myself or others.  I am not going to kill myself.

Why?

Because I don't really want to die.  I love my life.  I love my family and my friends.  I love the activities I do and the things I accomplish.

My husband knows and understands this.  Often when I tell him that I wish I was dead he will calmly ask me if I have a plan.  When I tell him no, he just gives me a hug.  I also have friends who know and understand.  They know the right questions to ask just to check that I haven't slipped over into the Scary Land version of suicidal ideation. 

So, I have suicidal ideation.  For me, it's not necessarily bad or scary or something that requires intervention.  It's a thought and nothing more.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

So...

I haven't done a personal post in a while.  It's mostly because there is nothing to say about me or my life...at least nothing that relates to my mental illness issues.  Since this blog is dedicated to that, I don't want to ramble on and on about my friends or pets or family.

I had a checkup with my doctor on September 20.  It was one of those med review things.  I'm at a difficult point in my "recovery/fight/struggle".  My meds work.  I don't feel bad and have more good days than bad days.  Life in my head is starting to even out some and is less chaotic and I generally know what to expect.  But, I still have bad days.  And I still struggle.  And there are still times that my depression stops me from doing things.

This is a difficult point because I am topped out dosage-wise on my Zoloft.  It cannot be increased anymore.  According to the dr. the med he would usually add on would be Wellbutrin but that doesn't work for me, in fact, it makes things worse.  With Zoloft he doesn't really like the other combos.  So, we would be looking into trying a new med and dropping the Zoloft.

That scares me.  In a way, my Zoloft is a security blanket.  I know what it does for me and how it affects me.  I know which side effects I usually see.  We know each other and are friends.  A new med is starting over.  A new med is potential success or failure.

Because I have been dealing with this for 17 years and have been treating it with medication for 14 years, there are several drugs I have tried that didn't work for me.  Most of those are now offered in generic form.  I still do not have health insurance or a job so we have to budget.  And generic drugs are generally affordable.  If we bump up into the non-generic drugs, things get pricey.  Yes, there are programs available that can offer some help.  And, yes, there is the potential that I can get free samples from the doctor.  But...

I do know that I'm going to do what is best for me.  Even if that means the expensive meds.  Me getting better and leading the best life I can, despite my depression and anxiety, is the priority.

So the dr. and I talked.  He asked me what I wanted to do.  I told him I would like to stay on my current meds.  I want to do this because I feel like I'm finally even and predictable/stable and want to see if that is the kind of existence that I can enjoy.  I need to figure out how to "do me" in my current situation and see if it enough. 

I go back in 6 months and we go from there. 

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Listen to your heart

This.  This is what I need to do to really get started with...everything. Sign.  Thank you BGC

Dear Beautiful Girl,

What are you willing to let go of today? Life is so much about knowing what to hold on to, and what to let go of...and having faith that it will all work out in the end.

Your heart and your gut know exactly what you need to let go of, even if your brain is giving you all sorts of reasons to clamp your fingers around it. There are seasons and times to have different things, relationships and situations in your life...and then the seasons change and it's time to let go of many of those things. Change is hard....but change is absolutely necessary.

We've all got to let go of old habits, old situations, old behaviors and sometimes even old relationships to make room for what is meant for the next part of our lives. If we just get quiet, get brave, and listen very closely....our hearts will tell us what to let go of. This doesn't mean it will be easy...it just means that it is what is meant for now.

You can do this.

Listen to your heart.

Be brave. You are loved.
xoxo

Friday, September 20, 2013

Suicide prevention week/day 2013

The Bloggess wrote something last week that floored me because so much of it rang true.  You can read the entire post here, but this is what hit me...hard:

This week is Suicide Prevention Week.  I always appreciate that it comes in September because there’s something about September that wants to eat you.  I don’t know why.  I just know that depression lies and it lies the loudest and most convincingly in September.

She is so right.  There is something about Septermber that seems to just terrorize me.  I don't know what it is exactly but I do know there are some big triggers in the month.  Still...

The organization To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) is very near and dear to my heart.  This year during suicide prevention week, they asked people to share why they cannot be replaced.  It's such a beautiful way to look at a heavy subject that spins it in a very positive direction.  I participated.



Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Imperfections

Dearest Shanda,
 

You try SO hard to be perfect. But how do you think life will be better if you’re perfect?
Don’t you realize that your imperfections make you adorable? Just think what a beast you’d be if you were some Stepford person?

Freckles decorate a face.

Scars suggest a life well risked.

Mistakes make you relatable.

And holes in your jeans give others a place to sneak in tickles.

Relax your perfectionism, darling, and celebrate your glorious imperfections.

I sure do,
Your Inner Pilot Light

Monday, September 9, 2013

Burdens

Dear Perfectly Wonderful Girl,

Are you carrying an old or new burden around like a heavy bag of rocks, letting it drag you down and hold you back? Is it a belief about yourself or someone else....is it a mistake you made...is it something that someone else did to you that you can not overcome?

It is time to stop shaming yourself. It is time to start treating yourself with the kind of love that you treat others with. It is time to overcome it.

You are not your past, and you are not your mistakes. You are not what others say you are and you are not your limitations, your weaknesses or your frailties. You are not the horrible things that others have done to you. You are not your addictions or your family or your dress size or your tax return.

You are a priceless, authentic, light-filled soul......no one has ever been created just like you and no one ever will be. You are worth more than you can ever know.

It is time to see yourself this way....with unconditional love, kindness and forgiveness. Today, let go of the shame.....let go of it. It is time.

You are so very loved.

xoxo

Friday, September 6, 2013

Not just survive

Dear Shanda,

Honey, I know it’s been hard. I know it has taken everything you’ve had just to make it through. I’m so super duper proud of you for how you’ve survived. But the worst is over, my dear. And now it’s time for more than mere survival.

Now is your time to THRIVE.

You know what you need to do.

Here to do it with you,
Your Inner Pilot Light

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Panic attack tools

Because my panic attacks seem to be returning, I wanted to share these tips that I found at the Healthy Place in the article "Ten Things To Do For A Panic Attack."

1. Have an exit plan. This is a must for me.  The better prepared I feel going into a situation, the better I tend to handle everything, even if a panic attack happens. 

2. Have someone you can count on ready to call. I'm lucky that I have several someones that I can count on.  It is nice knowing they are there and even better to be sure they will answer when you call.

3. Spend time with your pet.
A personal favorite.

4. Have a tranquilizer with you. It is rare that I do not have several tablets of Ativan on me.  I have some in my purse and I have some in a key chain holder-type thing.  I also have a few stashed in a small baggie in my wallet. 

5. Interact with water. I love this one.  Water is very calming for me.  When possible, the full-submersion method is best but taking a sip of water also works.  The easiest way to interact with water is to wash your hands. 

6. Give yourself a massage or have your loved one give you one. While this helps, it is a bit more difficult to accomplish without drawing further attention to yourself. 

7. Forward bend. This doesn't work so well for me if I am standing.  If I'm sitting, it works a little better but not worth the effort.  Because I often feel hot when I'm having a panic attack, balling up only increases the heat and pushes the panic up several notches.

8. Stare at yourself in the mirror. Nope.  Nada.  If anything, it will escalate the attack.  Tend to also work into a shame spiral and the gremlins snag the opportunity to work their mischief in my brain,

9. Go for a walk. Another one that doesn't work for me.

10. Laugh. This one does work.  Besides getting in a better mood and focusing on something else, it's very difficult to panic while you are laughing.  It's the small things that make a big difference. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Wonderful girl


Dear Perfectly Wonderful Girl,

Are you carrying an old or new burden around like a heavy bag of rocks, letting it drag you down and hold you back? Is it a belief about yourself or someone else? Is it a mistake you made? Is it something that someone else did to you than you cannot overcome?

It is time to stop shaming yourself. It is time to start treating yourself with the kind of love that you treat others with. It is time to overcome it.

You are not your past, and you are not your mistakes. You are not what others say you are and you are not your limitations, your weaknesses, or your frailties. You are not the horrible things that others have done to you. You are not you addictions or your family or your dress size or your tax return.

You are a priceless, authentic, light-filled soul. No one has ever been created just like you and no one ever will be. You are worth more than you will ever know.

It is time to see yourself this way, with unconditional love, kindness, and forgiveness. Today, let go of the shame. Let go of it. It is time.

You are loved loved loved.

xoxo

From the Brave Girls Club

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Born crazy

I'm spending the next week in Omaha with my family so this is a super appropriate picture. 

I want to make it clear that I'm not blaming my parents in any way for my depression.  Well, maybe my dad a little since it runs in his family and if there is some sort of gene that carries depression then he would be a likely culprit.  Besides, the type of depression I have isn't caused my some external force. 

Anyway, I arrived on Friday and have been having a pretty relaxing time so far.  I came here to help my mom go through some things since she and my step dad (who I am now calling Dado which is a combination between Dad and his name) are trying to downsize some.  Some of what we will be going through will be mine - dolls and stuff from my childhood plus my baby book, christening outfit and other items a mother saves for her baby.  The rest of the stuff we will be going through will be items my mother will try to pawn off on me.  There's a good chance she will use some guilt tactics, mostly in fun, but I'm worried that I may not take it in that manner.  I just hope that if I react poorly, I can explain to her why in a way that she can understand.

I'm staying here until noon-ish on Tuesday.  Then I head to my dad's house to stay with him and his wife until Friday.

*insert daunting and potentially scary music here*

Don't get me wrong, I have had many wonderful visits with my father.  Most of the time he is very good-natured and jovial.  But, when things go boom, the damage is epic. 

The atmosphere is not overly relaxing.  It's tense and all about the outside appearance - clean house, nice clothes, perfection.  It is so not me.  This will be the longest time I have spent with my dad in a while.  Usually when we are in Omaha, the time is split between my two sets of parents, sometimes between my two sets of current parents and my step mom.  So no one really gets a lot of time.  And even if they do get a lot of time, it's a weekend trip where we arrive late-ish Friday and leave shortly after lunch on Sunday. 

I'm going to hope for the best but rehearse through my coping mechanisms in order to prepare for the worst.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Start again

My dear Shanda,

You know how you veered off course and started beating yourself up?
 

Please don’t do that, darling.
 

Just press the button.
 

Do over.
 

Start again.
 

Learn what you need to learn, then no hard feelings, no self-flagellation, no looking back. All is forgiven.
 

Resetting you,
Your Inner Pilot Light

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Forgot how to dog


This is how I've felt the past couple of days.  Nothing seems quite right and I feel like I'm just not in the right place or in the right moment or something else entirely.  The caption for this image was "Forgot how to dog."  I think, maybe, I have forgot how to Shanda.  I'm having memory issues again and just feel heavy and floaty and overwhelmed but uninspired.  It's as though I cannot remember how to be me.  Sure, I can be any one of the fake mes.  Grab a mask and slap it on and showtime.  But the real me, she's hiding or gone or just forgotten. 

Friday, August 16, 2013

I really should follow this for the weekend.  I desperately need to purge so much junk from my home.  Thanks for the suggestion Brave Girls Club.

Dear Fantastic Girl,
 Are there clothes and household things that you hold on to, even though they are worn out, broken, tattered, and cluttering up your life? Are there things that you keep that have unpleasant memories, or just make you feel stuck? Are there boxes in your garage or your closet holding things that you don't need, don't want, or don't even remember?
'Stuff' really holds memories, feelings, and spaces in our lives. It is such a brave act to 'spring clean' our internal lives, and it's such a compelling exercise to do this in our physical lives, too.


  
You will be shocked at how wonderful you feel when you start letting go of ratty old clothes, cracked dishes, and thread-bare sheets. You'll breath a little easier when you give away things you ever really use anyway, but that you are holding on to for reasons you can't explain. When we let go of the old, we are making a new and clean place for new things to come into our life . . . and our new skin, our new wings.

  
Toss out just ONE thing this weekend. If it feels good, keep tossing.


You are worth it! You are loved.
xoxo

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Step right up to that edge

I just need to take that first step.  That first terrifying step...

Dear Shanda,
You might think you’re protecting yourself when you turn away from what you suspect might hurt you.
 

But I dare you to lean in.
 

Don’t go too far. When it’s time to release, let go.
 

But step right up to that edge. Then push the edge with one more step.
 

You’ll be surprised how many times that one next step will crack the resistance and you’ll be invited to experience all the love, joy, and bliss you desire.
 

With you on the edge,  
Your Inner Pilot Light

Friday, August 9, 2013

The first step

Dear Brave Girl,

It starts with that first, really scary step, that step that we sometimes spend years avoiding and procrastinating, and that we often tell ourselves day after day that we will finally take 'tomorrow'.

What is so scary about that first step?

First, let's put it into perspective and what it really is. It's just a step, lovely. Just a step. You don't have to decide right now if you will take the next step after the first one.

Just commit to that first scary step. Put the silly fears out of your mind. It doesn't matter what others think about that first step. It doesn't matter if your first step is clumsy or looks ridiculous or if it doesn't get you as far as you thought it would.

It doesn't matter if you fall that first time. It doesn't matter.

You know you want to take that step or it wouldn't be burning it your heart the way it is, the way it has been for so long.

One thing is for sure. You can stop after you take that first step, or you can take another one, and then another. You get to choose.

Remember that without taking that first step, you will NEVER get to where you truly want to be because you will still be where you are NOW.

You can do it. Start today! You are so brave. And you are so loved.

xoxo

Thank you, Brave Girls Club.  Now if I could only actually get over the fears and take that first very, very, very scary step.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Disruption

(I started this post on July 20, 2013 and I just proof-read it today.  I could add to it but I'm not in the same place I was then so my feeling and thoughts wouldn't be as authentic.)

More than anything, I get angry and frustrated when my depression and/or panic attacks screw up my life. It happened again last night/today.

We were to go to my husband's grandmother's birthday today. It was hosted by my mother-in-law. 

I couldn't go. Starting around 8 pm Friday evening, I was building into a panic attack. I took an Ativan and did some exercises to try to calm myself. It worked...a little. 

Tried to go to bed but panic attacks kept waking me. Took another Ativan and worked through some exercises. Attempted to go to sleep again. I was asleep for maybe 20 minutes when another panic attack hit. It was almost midnight. 

I tried most everything in my bag of tricks but nothing seemed to make enough of a difference to allow me any real relief or sleep. Off and on sleep and panic attack cycle started. All night long. 

When my husband's alarm went off, I was beyond frazzled.  I was maxed out on Ativan until 8 pm that evening and the panic was already swelling.  There was no way I would be able to attend the party.  In another place.  With a lot of people.  A distance from my home and comfort zone.

So I had to cancel. 

He made my apologies and most understood. 

This is one of the worst things about my illness. 

Saturday, August 3, 2013

You are gonna make it

Some days, my daily email from the Brave Girls' Club simply makes me smile.  Sometimes it makes me cry with realization.  And other times, it just really hits home with whatever I am currently battling against at the moment.  This was a prime example of the latter.

Dear Amazing Girl,

It's perplexing how we can go along feeling perfectly wonderful all day long...even for weeks at a time, even for months....feeling like we are on track, doing the right things...feeling completely content, grateful and like our life is our own and we are living it exactly the way we are supposed to be individually living it...and then BAM! WHAM! SLAM!! ..... we get the wind knocked out of us.

What are some of the the things that stop us dead in our tracks and take our wind away? Comparing. Criticizing. Complaining. Doubting. Fearing. Imagining the worst. Letting other people get to us. Letting opinions get to us. Letting the ways of the world get to us.

Beautiful girl....remember that bumps in the road and bad days are completely normal...even when we are on track. Remember that things happen that could potential derail us, but that we have the power to not allow that to happen. Remember that WHENEVER we spend ANY time comparing our lives, or our selves, or our bodies, or our homes, or our jobs or our children to ANYONE else's life and everything that goes along with it...it never goes anywhere good. Remember that YOU ARE ONE IN 7 BILLION......incomparable, unforgettable and just right exactly as you are.

A great way to get all of the air back in your lungs and your feet moving in the right direction is simply to keep kindness and good thoughts in your heart...to be happy for others....to let go of worries...to let things go and live simply....to give and love and serve without expecting anything in return.....and to REMEMBER that bad days always turn around and there's a tomorrow after them that is brand new...and ready to be painted beautiful colors.

You are gonna make it. You ARE making it.

You are very very very loved.
xoxox

Thursday, August 1, 2013

The Science of Mental Illness

The Science of Mental Illness
Image compliments of Best Masters in Psychology Degrees

Thank your lucky stars

My dear Shanda,

When it feels like you’re under attack, try your darnedest to thank your lucky stars.

When times are roughest, you can bet you’re on the fast track to personal growth and spiritual awakening.

While it may feel unfair and you may get pissed off, life uses tragedies and hardships to shape us into who we’re meant to be.

So roll with it, baby. And if you’re not sure what you’re meant to be learning from what has hurt you or what you’ve lost, just ask me.

Loaded with insight,
Your Inner Pilot Light

Monday, July 22, 2013

Pretending to be fine

When You’re Pretending to Be Fine: 9 Tips to Deal and Heal
By Chris Lappin
“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I never thought I’d want to kill myself.

All my life, I’d been a strong, independent woman, building a business from home, raising two wonderful sons, and staying happy and positive throughout.

If you’d told me I’d one day consider taking my own life, I’d have laughed and said, “You’ve got me confused with someone else!”

But after twenty years and two sons together, my husband and I decided to split up.

So what? Separation and divorce are commonplace. You just cope with it like everyone else. I was strong, so not coping would mean I was weak.

But it hurt and hurt and hurt. And eventually I just wanted to stop. I couldn’t put my boys through that, but I couldn’t see another way out. So, while pretending to everyone that I was fine, I thought about it. Seriously.
What Do You Pretend?

Coping with everything life throws at you is tough.

Juggling all your different roles, trying to be all things to all people, and “shoehorning” so much into every day.

You and your needs aren’t even worth a mention on your very long to-do list.

You feel guilty and inadequate and worry that someday all those plates you’re spinning will come crashing down. You’re an amazing “somebody” who often feels like an invisible and overwhelmed “nobody.” Feeling lost and alone, living in silent despair.

Not always much fun being a grown-up, is it?

You’re not alone, you know.

From the outside, others seem to be holding it all together. Just like you. Just like me.

Have you thought that perhaps sometimes they’re not coping either? That maybe, just like you, they’re not perfect?

Pretending to cope comes at a price.

I’d also fallen out of love with my first home-based business, so my marriage to my best friend was over, and my future was gone.

Our joint, shameful debt took me months to resolve, was a debilitating hell, and meant we had to live a lie under the same roof for eight months, sharing our bed in cold silence for the first four as we pretended to our young teenage sons that all was normal.

I felt sick when I awoke to the conversation we’d been dreading: telling the boys that Mom and Dad were splitting up. A parent’s supposed to make things better, not worse. As I tore their world apart, it broke my heart.

When we did separate, my expenses escalated while my income sank. And when my boys went to stay at their father’s, nothing could stop the overwhelming loneliness from driving me into the ground. So I put my head down and worked. It kept me sane a little longer.

Something had died, but instead of grieving, I pretended I was coping.

My even busier life was now a nightmare, yet I was barely functioning and I didn’t recognize myself anymore: lethargic, hollow, lost, ashamed, and desperately lonely. Feeling weak and pathetic because I couldn’t cope on my own without a man around. A failure.

I started to unravel.

I wanted to run away rather than face the misery ahead, so I escaped to bed to shorten the days. Cooking for one underlined my loneliness, so I didn’t bother, and for a while I comforted myself with alcohol, as the health implications were no longer important.

And that’s when I thought of making it all stop. To stop feeling miserably unhappy. To stop crying every day. I wasn’t miserable when I slept, so why not just keep sleeping? It made perfect sense.

But the damage to my boys forced me to keep my comforting escape route a secret.

Then came the anxiety attacks, and twelve months after our painful decision, I was diagnosed with a stress-related facial skin disease and depression.

When all seems lost, there’s still a way forward.

If you are, or feel you might be, depressed, take comfort and pride from Dr. Tim Cantopher’s words from his book Depressive Illness: The Curse of The Strong:

“You are wrong in thinking you are weak and should be ashamed of having this illness, you have got it because you are strong … a weak, cynical or lazy person faced with difficulties will quickly give up, so would never get depressed enough to become ill.”

I can’t solve your issues here, but if you’re struggling and pretending, I’d like to help you take that all-important first step so you can start to look after you.
 

1. Be honest.

Pretend and, at some point, the problem and the pain will surface ten-fold. If you’re not coping, admit to yourself that you’re not. This shows great strength.
 

2. Ask for help.

This isn’t a sign of weakness. Are others weak for coming to you for help? Why should you be different? Tell those who care about you that you’re not coping. Don’t struggle in silence.
 

3. Talk openly.

When you‘ve asked for help, share your feelings with someone you know and love who will listen without judgement or advice, or with a trained counselor.

Talking about how you feel and having someone listen can feel self-indulgent at first, but it’s a huge part of the healing process.
 

4. Learn to say no more often.

Maybe saying yes to everything and everyone makes you feel superhuman. But superheroes are works of fiction, and you don’t possess special powers.

When you’re saying yes to everything, who and what are you saying no to?

Try to do less things better rather than taking on so much that you beat yourself up for what you don’t achieve.
 

5. Rejoice and reward yourself for your achievements.

If you berate yourself for what you get wrong, then surely you have to take responsibility and take credit when you do something well.
 

6. Accept that perfection is impossible.

In a world of self-help and personal development, we’re bombarded with advice about always being positive and successful, and striving to be the best.

Strive to be the best that you can be, and be a realist. Just like me, you’re imperfect, you’re weak sometimes, you make mistakes, and you’re a work in progress.

Strive to be happy. Accept your weaknesses and you’ll be stronger for it.
 

7. Make time for you.

You fulfill many roles: parent, partner, businessperson, child, sibling, friend. Don’t lose sight of your needs and being you.

Give yourself permission to take time out for you and put you back on your to-do list. You’ll be more effective and happier in your other roles.
 

8. Start putting yourself first.

It’s not selfish. You’re important and you deserve better. So once you’re back on that list, work on moving yourself further up.

To look after others, you first have to look after yourself. The in-flight emergency procedure tells you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you help others with theirs.
9. Stop comparing yourself to others.

I’d wager that most people feel inadequate and overwhelmed.

Just as others have no idea what’s going on in your life, you have no idea what’s really going on in theirs, so it serves no positive purpose to compare yourself and worry about what others are doing. You’re unique. You can only be you. Chances are they’re probably comparing themselves to you!
Moving Forward

Over time the medication helped lighten my mood, and I could look a little beyond my despair. If I was going to keep living, I didn’t want to spend it wishing I were dead. The counseling gave me time and space to stop pretending, talk honestly, and grieve.

While still battling depression, I’m now cooking healthy meals again and laughing far more than I have in years. I’ve enrolled at a gym and am taking time for me. I’ve qualified as a Life Coach and set up a blog and online business.

I’m still here to love and look after my boys.

I’ve learned to stop comparing myself to others who I don’t even know, and that’s it’s okay—no, it’s necessary—to express rather than bury my feelings, to admit when I’m not coping, and to embrace my weaknesses.

Every day, the baby steps I’m taking for me, just me, add up. I’m miles away from where I was.

You can move ahead too.

You’re not weak for wanting to run away. You’re strong for having the guts to admit it.

Decide to stop the unhealthy pretenses. Be proud of who you are and what you achieve each day. Set time aside for you. Everything and everyone else can wait a while.

Friday, July 19, 2013

SEE the way things really are

Dear Beautiful Girl,

Most all of us have private little hurts that no one really knows about...things that we struggle with day after day...with a smile on our faces, doing our best to make the most of life, but with a tinge of pain that is almost always there. It is the human part of us.

Sometimes the hurts and the struggles are so big, so so big, and we do a really good job of covering them up and working through them, and inside we are weary and tired. Isn't this true, lovely friend? Sometimes we just want others to SEE so that we can stop making excuses for all of the things that we can not do.

The most important thing we can do, the most HEALING thing we can do is to recognize this pain in others, even when we have our own to deal with. Sometimes when someone seems grouchy, distant or irresponsible, it is because they are doing all that they can to hold everything together. Sometimes this is truer than true about our own selves.

We need to be kind, compassionate and patient with each other. We need to look past the way things may look on the outside and SEE the way things really are. We need to love each other in all of our frailness, in our weakness and in our "worst" moments....we need to do this for others, but we MOST OF ALL need to do this for ourselves.

You are doing enough. You are stronger and braver than you think you are. You are not alone in the way that you feel, each person beside you, in front of you and behind you is also working through something right now.

Be kind to YOU, be kind to others. We can do SO MUCH for each other.
xoxo

Thank you for the reminder, Brave Girls Club.  You always know what to say and when I most need to hear it.  

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Like drowning

 

Right now, I'm drowning.  My soul hurts.  I am done on every level - emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual.  

I am downing because someone I love passed away.  Her void is felt already.  Her passing leaves my step father without any parents.  My heart is breaking for him.  I don't know how to console him.  Words simply do not come.  All I can do is offer to help out as best I can, to transport my brother, to be the charming hostess at the wake.  To remind him that I love him.  And that I am here.

I am downing because a child decided to end her own life. The child - this 19 year old child - was once like a daughter to me.  But then her mother and I dissolved our friendship.  I checked with the family to see if it would be okay for me to attend her funeral.  Her mother said she would be uncomfortable with me there.  So I will respect her wishes and not attend.  My heart is breaking.  The last interaction I had with this child was very positive.  But, out of respect, which is the same respect I showed by asking in the first place, I will honor the wishes of her mother.  I don't need to attend a funeral to pay my respects and honor the life of this child.  I do wish I could go though.

I'm downing because I am stressed.  So much is going on and I have so very little control over much of it.  I'm not good when I don't have some bit of control.  I have a ritual that I will be leading this coming weekend.  It's on finding and utilizing your inner peace.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to write about peace when you feel none?  Seriously, fuck peace and just let me get through the day without losing it and let me get through the night without waking in a cold sweat, on the edge of a panic attack, and with the looming night terrors still swimming in my brain.

I am downing because I'm tired and when I'm tired, I find it even more difficult to hold myself together.  I don't know how to deal with the sleepiness AND depression or stress or anxiety.  When I'm tired, I just do my best to get through the day and tackle the one most important task of that moment.

I'm downing.  And I wish it was literal instead of figurative.*

*I am not going to kill myself or attempt to harm myself in any way.  No worries. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Mood swing


This makes me giggle.

I have mood swings. Hell, I'm a woman.  And I'm a woman who gets PMS.  Add on the depression/anxiety combo and duh, mood swings will happen. 

But this is perfection.

It is me:
  • during a mood swing
  • when someone points out that I'm obviously having some sort of mood issue
  • when someone elects to rehash my mood swing. 

Assholes.

I wonder if it would be appropriate for me to put on my pouty face, cross my arms over my chest, and hop onto a swing to ride out my next mood swing.   Maybe I will give it a try next time.  Might not do much for anyone else but I'll be the crazy lady trying to keep a straight face as she swings and soars through the air.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Two hundred

This is my 200th post.  It's hard to believe that I've posted that many times in less than a year.  Yes, a lot of it is fluffy filler stuff but it was still pertinent to me and my on-going battle.  Without a doubt, I have named my blog appropriately since it has been quite the roller coaster of a life. 

I'm getting better. Every day is a struggle and I never know if it will be a good day or a bad day.  I don't know if I will be able to participate in my own life in an active manner or if I will be stuck in my bed.  But I do keep going.


Keeping going, trying to progress, is all I can do.  It is the one thing that I have any sort of power over.  Each day I wake up and choose to fight.  I make the decision to not give up and to not give in to the depression.  Some days it may look like I'm not doing much towards my recovery and some days that is true.  But every day I am trying, taking steps in a positive direction.  Those steps are sometimes tiny, barely perceptible and sometimes they are giant leaps.  I will take anything I can as long as it is in the right direction.  

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Don't be afraid to face your giants

Dear Beautiful Girl,

Don't be afraid to face your giants. Don't be afraid to stand face to face, toe to toe with what is scaring you the most. Don't be afraid to pull the things that are taunting you in the darkness out into the light to see what they really are.

Our fears, our hurts and our biggest holdbacks very often lose all of their power once they are brought out into the light and to be seen for what they truly are. Many times they are simply figurative bullies, and not much more. Many times our fears have no merit, our hurts are not worth the energy we put into them, and the things holding us back most are things we have outgrown long ago.

We hold on to things for years because we let them linger and grow in the background, in the closets and deep in our hearts....when all we need to do is pull them out, take a look at them....and see if they really should hold ANY more of our energy, our brain space or any of the words that ever come from our mouth again.

It doesn't make us weak to let go of old garbage from our past...whether it's years ago or whether it was yesterday. It doesn't make us weak to forgive and forget and move on.......it is a sign of strength and character and of taking control of our own futures....our own feelings...our own place in the world.

Bring it all out into the light. It's so much nicer, sunnier, warmer, prettier and happier in the light.

Shine on, lovely friend.

xoxo
The Brave Girls Club - always love their little gems of wisdom.  

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Unconditional joy

Dear Shanda, 

The minute you set a goal and then attach to the outcome - telling yourself you have failed if you don't achieve it - you give away your power to create unconditional joy in your life. You’re better off setting goals - and then releasing attachment to outcomes - trusting that some things just want to happen because they're for the highest good of all beings, and if those things are meant to manifest, they will. 

Yes, it’s good to have goals and dreams and visions and missions. But once you put your dreams out there, release them like butterflies so they can have their way with the world. 

You can never fully know what the Universe has in store for you. Sometimes you ask for a Pinto and the Universe is trying to give you a Rolls Royce. Yet if you fail to get the Pinto, you get disappointed. You feel like you failed. When really, the Rolls Royce is right around the corner. 

Can you set goals but release attachment to outcomes? Can you trust in The Way, instead of clinging to Your Way? Can you find joy even when things don't go as you hoped? 

Trust me. I’ll help. 

Illuminating the way, 
Your Inner Pilot Light

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Broken

Yesterday was a bad day.  A very, very bad day. 

It wasn't because of depression.  It was because of something I had to do.

Yes, had to do.  I need to remind myself of that until I believe it.   Because I really cannot even remotely fathom believing it at the point.

I cannot write about it now.  The emotions are just too raw.  But I feel broken.

I did have a panic attack though.

Hopefully I will be able to write about the very, very bad days soon.

But I am forever changed.  Nothing from this day forward will ever truly be the same.




Saturday, June 22, 2013

Depression is terrible


https://www.facebook.com/acanvasoftheminds
I don't want to compare depression and cancer because they are two completely different things.  But they do affect your life in similar ways in that they change so many aspects and can destroy you.  There are treatments for both, none of which are guaranteed to work.   Both are capable of killing you - quickly or slowly.  Both hurt in so many ways - physically, emotionally, and mentally.  You have the choice to fight it or let it win.  

I'm also not saying one is worse than the other.  Or that one is easier to have than the other.  

But the quote resonates with me.  

When someone has cancer, people know what to expect.  They understand what chemotherapy and radiation are meant to do to help the person with cancer and they may be aware of the potential side effects of such treatments.  People understand cancer. 

Many people do not understand depression or other forms of mental illness, at least not fully.  They don't know what to expect.  They don't know the processes to treat it.  

Friday, June 21, 2013

Do what you can

Now I just need to actually follow the advice as I know I should.  Thank you, again, Brave Girls Club.

Dear Soulful Girl,

All you can do is all you can do. There's really nothing more that you can do, so fretting over things that you don't have any more time, energy or resources to accomplish is only going to make things miserable when they don't have to be. It's time to slow down, sweet friend. It is ok.

When you have done all that you can, please let it be enough. This means, when you have done all that you can while also getting enough sleep, exercise and time to recharge...this doesn't mean getting all that you can done with 2 hours of sleep, a meal at a drive-through and running as fast as you can everywhere you go....feeling miserable, strung out and cranky.

Life is as crazy and harried as we allow it to be. When we want to make things special for those we love, we need to remember that what they want most is US. They want time with us. They want us to feel good and to be in a good mood and to be present. They want happy memories that include us. Sometimes this means that we must simplify so that we do not fall apart. Some times this means we need to let go of our idea of perfection and just show up AS IS.

So, please sit down with yourself and be realistic. What is necessary and what is not? What is making you crazy and could be let go of? What do you want MOST to give? Prioritize and let some things go...it is ok. YOU matter. YOU are the best gift you can give. YOUR time, your heart, your words, your presence....THAT is the greatest gift.

You are so loved.
xoxo

Monday, June 17, 2013

Feeling off

I know I haven't been posting many personal stuff lately.  Fact is, there isn't much to say.  Lately, I have just felt "off."  I have no clue how to describe it any more. 

I don't feel right but I don't feel wrong.

I don't feel bad but I don't feel good.

I'm not happy but I'm also not sad.

What is super weird is that I'm also not blah - you know, just feeling nothing or like I'm floating. 

In all honesty, I could deal with this feeling for the remainder of my life.  But I have to remain hopeful that there is something more out there.  I must believe that I can be "better" than I am currently. 

It's been six and a half weeks since I've been off the Wellbutrin.  I do credit NOT being on it for the improvement in overall mood.  I need to call the doctor this week to report how things are going and ask that he submit refills on my Zoloft.  Hopefully he won't require me to come in but I don't know for sure.  Definitely will post about that. 

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Silence the gremlin

Such perfect advice.  I need to be quiet and listen. But, mostly importantly, I need to ignore the gremlins.

My dear Shanda, 

Hello my sweet! 

I’m here today to remind you gently that to get healthy inside and out, you must, must, MUST learn to listen to my voice. 

You can eat all the healthy food you want. 

You can exercise your patooty off. 

You can swallow handfuls of vitamins. 

But unless you can silence the Gremlin enough to hear my voice of truth, you’ll never achieve the optimal health I know is possible for you. 

Try listening to me now. Ask me what is true for you about: 

· Your health
· Your intimate relationships
· Your professional life
· Your spiritual life
· Your creative life
· Your sex life
· Your financial picture
· The environment in which you live
· Your mental health? 


Now get quiet. Listen up. 

I have something important to tell you… 

Always on target, 
Your Inner Pilot Light

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Blossoming girl


Dear Blossoming Girl,

Yes yes yes, it is frustrating to go backwards, or what feels like backwards. Yes, it is annoying and downright exhausting to find that in spite of our best efforts and plans, things are spinning, whirling, and making a wild ride out of our life.

Sometimes there just isn’t a better way to get to get to where we are going, than to go THROUGH a wild patch of dizzy making ups and downs. Sometimes we want to go around it, but often we really must go THROUGH it.

We learn really good things when we are stretched, pulled, whirled and twirled. We learn things about LIFE, but mostly we learn things about ourselves. We learn that we are pretty darned tough, pretty darned awesome and pretty darned smart.

And when we know that stuff, we know we can do anything.

And then we don’t have to be afraid. We can just live, and do good things and be happy and pull others up when they are down. And then, we realize it was all worth it.

It will be worth it.
You are so very very very loved.
xoxo


Brave Girls Club

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I hate the word good-bye

Li and her husband are almost completely moved.  Li is pretty much settled into the new house while her hubby and son are finishing up with cleaning and repairs.

I feel a bit lost.

We text almost daily and connect via email, Facebook, Google + very often.  Neither of us are phone people so that's only used when necessary.  We have a planned Skype date.  So it's not like I'm alone or anything but I just miss the crap out of her.

It's hard to explain how I feel about her and even more difficult to describe our relationship so I'm not going to try at this time.  She is one of the best friends I've ever had.  I know that we will never NOT be friends.

Missing her and thinking about the fact that she no longer lives close to me, makes me sad.  Those feelings are not pushing my depression further into the bad space, but they do grin their little smug faces at me when I'm already having a rough day.

With time, the pain will lessen.  This will be especially true if we do stay in contact the way we are planning.  Like many parts of my life, it is a wait-and-see thing.