Back into the social scene

While I've done a few social things, they have been safe and easy.  I went to a health and holistic fair with absolutely no one I knew.  I've chatted with my aunts and cousins in a relaxed family atmosphere.  I have hung out with my dad and also with my mom, step dad, brother, and sister-in-law at home.  I have yet to go to an event with multiple people I know.

My friend, Di, has invited me to a women's empowerment group.  I'm interested but terrified of the conversations with new people.  These conversations always seem to focus around a few specific things - work/career, family/children, and other hobbies.

"Do you have children?" the perfectly lovely woman asks me.  I mumble a reply.  "How many?" she probes.  And that's when I crack and end up crying in front of strangers before leaving the room and being too embarrassed to return.  Ever.  So that's one social, and potentially life-changing/therapeutic, activity I can no longer enjoy or attend.

The Pagan group I'm most associated with in Omaha has had multiple rituals and classes since Kyah's death.  I want to go.  I long to go and, honestly, I need to go.  These people, the usuals at least, know me and know the situation.  But there will be questions and I'm just not strong enough to tell people I'm not ready or able to talk about it and will, instead, tell them and fall apart later and then require some recuperation time that may or may not interfere with my job.

And if there aren't questions but blatant support and hugs and looks of concern and apologies...I will break.  Fall completely apart.  Seriously...blubbering, snotting, hot mess express.

I need to figure out a way to start getting back out there.  I'm not an overly social person but do have my things I love.  I need to be able to do them.  My sanity does rely on it to a certain extent.

Recap, part 3

Obviously there has been a shit-ton of changes in my life.  Although many are bad situations, I'm maybe doing better than anyone thought I would be, especially under the circumstances.  (This is prior to K's death and we will get to that shortly.)  From the time I moved to Omaha until just before K's death, I've had good friends and random acquaintances remark that I seemed "happy" and "happier than they'd seen me in a long time."  Truth be told, I was doing good.

I was taking better care of myself on all levels.  I was working in a job I truly love, was finding myself and my purpose, and acclimating to my new normal.  It would have been perfect if I had my kids.  (And my dogs. And my friends.  And my Pagan community.)  Yes, there were rough days and some extended downward spirals, but I was managing, maybe even thriving.

There were some new meds and medication changes.  Some other health issues were addressed and being treated.  I found myself experiencing real emotions and many of those were positive and good.  I did have a three week spiral where I was out of work and really struggling.  Thankfully, FMLA was an option and my job was secure.

And then she died.

Maybe it was shock or just pushing through fueled on no sleep and lots of caffeine but I initially handled things rather well.  Of course I was devastated and bawling, but I was going through the motions of getting through the memorial and funeral, taking care of Z, interactions with my ex-husband and his new family, interactions with the kids' mom, friends, family, questions...and everyone was in awe at how well I was holding up and dealing.

I was shocked as well.

Several weeks later, right around the one month anniversary of her death, the dam broke.  Lack of sleep was a huge culprit but it was the processing that gripped my heart and destroyed my mind.  My little girl was gone.  Two weeks of FMLA and additional med changes and I'm back at work.  I've yet to make it through a full work week and I often do my job through tears, but I'm there.

There is no way to currently tell the difference between my mental illness and the grief process of losing my daughter.  I'm working hard to keep my head above water and this coming week will be difficult.  Her birthday is on Thursday, March 17.  We'd talked about how cool it was for her to finally turn 17 on the 17th.  I'd planned to go to visit that Friday and stay the weekend.  Her junior prom would have been on Saturday.  Instead I'm taking her birthday off and getting a tattoo in her honor.  I'll spend Saturday with some Pagan friends celebrating the coming Sabbat.  I will try to keep my tears to a minimum and deal with what is now the new normal 2.0.

Recap, part 2

Left off with my move to Omaha in October 2014.  I moved in to the basement at my mom and step dad's house.  It was planned to be temporary but, to date, I'm still here.  It's not perfect but it works.  Since I've moved here, I've seen the kids about every three months or so.  We text and talk on the phone as well as email and FaceTime chat often.   But here's a loose timeline of some big events:

*October 2014:  I see two different band performances in Lincoln and get to spend time with K.

*December 1, 2014: I start a job, the first I've worked in over 10 years.

*December 2014: Kids come to Omaha for Christmas/Yule with me and my family.

*January 3, 2015: K has first attempt of taking her life.  Hospitalized.

*January 16, 2015:  Visit kids in Kearney.

*Late May 2015: K has suicidal thoughts but doesn't act on them.  Hospitalized.

*Early June 2015: Visit kids in Kearney.

*August 30, 2015: K has second attempt of taking her life.  Hospitalized

*September 2, 2015:  Divorce hearing.  Finalized roughly 60 days later.

*September 26, 2015: Visit kids in Kearney

*December 20, 2015:  Kids come to Omaha for Christmas/Yule with me and my family.

*January 12-13, 2016:  K loses her life when ex-husband's home destroyed by a fire.  He, his girlfriend (TB), and her son escape, unharmed.

*January 16, 2016:  We bury my 16 year old daughter.

*January 30, 2016:  Z leaves for a semester in Ireland.

So yeah...crazy shit and lots of changes.  The loss of K is still surreal and to raw to handle. I'm probably going to let this blog sit for a bit as I continue to handle her death.

Z and his general well-being are of utmost importance to me at this point.  I'm so worried about him and, even though I'm glad he went to Ireland to fulfill his dream, I worry that he's without his support network.  Mama Bear is definitely in overdrive lately and all I want to do is cuddle him close and protect him from anything and everything that could hurt him in any way.

I am also doing my best to take care of myself - mentally, physically, and emotionally.