Recap, part 3

Obviously there has been a shit-ton of changes in my life.  Although many are bad situations, I'm maybe doing better than anyone thought I would be, especially under the circumstances.  (This is prior to K's death and we will get to that shortly.)  From the time I moved to Omaha until just before K's death, I've had good friends and random acquaintances remark that I seemed "happy" and "happier than they'd seen me in a long time."  Truth be told, I was doing good.

I was taking better care of myself on all levels.  I was working in a job I truly love, was finding myself and my purpose, and acclimating to my new normal.  It would have been perfect if I had my kids.  (And my dogs. And my friends.  And my Pagan community.)  Yes, there were rough days and some extended downward spirals, but I was managing, maybe even thriving.

There were some new meds and medication changes.  Some other health issues were addressed and being treated.  I found myself experiencing real emotions and many of those were positive and good.  I did have a three week spiral where I was out of work and really struggling.  Thankfully, FMLA was an option and my job was secure.

And then she died.

Maybe it was shock or just pushing through fueled on no sleep and lots of caffeine but I initially handled things rather well.  Of course I was devastated and bawling, but I was going through the motions of getting through the memorial and funeral, taking care of Z, interactions with my ex-husband and his new family, interactions with the kids' mom, friends, family, questions...and everyone was in awe at how well I was holding up and dealing.

I was shocked as well.

Several weeks later, right around the one month anniversary of her death, the dam broke.  Lack of sleep was a huge culprit but it was the processing that gripped my heart and destroyed my mind.  My little girl was gone.  Two weeks of FMLA and additional med changes and I'm back at work.  I've yet to make it through a full work week and I often do my job through tears, but I'm there.

There is no way to currently tell the difference between my mental illness and the grief process of losing my daughter.  I'm working hard to keep my head above water and this coming week will be difficult.  Her birthday is on Thursday, March 17.  We'd talked about how cool it was for her to finally turn 17 on the 17th.  I'd planned to go to visit that Friday and stay the weekend.  Her junior prom would have been on Saturday.  Instead I'm taking her birthday off and getting a tattoo in her honor.  I'll spend Saturday with some Pagan friends celebrating the coming Sabbat.  I will try to keep my tears to a minimum and deal with what is now the new normal 2.0.