Bad night

I'm having one of those bad nights. My brain will not shut up. My mind will not shut off. My thoughts are racing and I am helpless to make them stop. I haven't had a night like this in a long time.

Luckily, I've been able to keep the panic from escalating into a full-blown panic attack. Took an Ativan just to be on the safe side.

Hopefully I will be able to wind down soon and get some sleep.

Support group

It has been a few years since I have been to the local mental health support group.  I did enjoy going and stopped because I just didn't want to go anymore.  I'd gone faithfully for a number of months and then stopped.  Several months later, I returned only to never return again.  But I'm thinking about going back.

The support group is organized through NAMI.  There is a group leader who keeps us on track and reminds us of the goals of a NAMI peer support group.  We mostly go around in a circle and tell about how we have been doing.  For the regulars, this means talking about how things have been going for the past week since the last group meeting.  When you are new, you share your story which generally includes your diagnosis and what has been going on since you first found out you had some form of mental illness.  If you have been gone for a while, you recap and hit on your diagnosis and just give a general update on what has been going on since you were last active within the group.

My first visit was full of tears.  Lots of crying.  Luckily for me, it was a small group that week.  The people in the support group were all very different, will a variety of mental illnesses.  Our stories were different yet the same.  We were all struggling with making our lives the best possible.  Each of us wanted to find that delicate balance that would allow us to be ourselves and not our mental illness diagnosis. 

But the time has come for me to give it a chance again.  I need that support and reminder that I'm not alone in my battle.  I need to talk to virtual strangers about my thoughts and feelings.  Talking to people I don't know allows me to be more open and honest because I don't feel like I need to censor myself or word issues in a manner that won't hurt the listener.  Plus, these are the people that understand because they have been there.  They don't judge because they do not want to be judged. 

I will go back Monday. 

I'm slightly nervous but not as much as I was at that first meeting.  It's a good nervous, at least that is what I think.  Hopefully my experience will be just as helpful as it was in the past.

Respect yourself

 Just a kind reminder to myself.  From the Brave Girls Club.

Dear Lovely Girl,

Sometimes you are the only one on earth who knows exactly the battles that you have had to fight, the dragons you have had to slay, the muck you have had to walk through, the pain you have had to endure, the strength you have had to build, the wisdom you have had to earn. Sometimes you are the only one who knows the depth that is behind your own eyes.

For this reason, beautiful friend, it is so important that you give yourself the kind of respect that you would give to someone who has lived through all that you have lived through. It is so important that you are compassionate with yourself, that you are gentle with yourself, that you are patient with yourself. It is so important that you continue to remind yourself that you have made it through tough things and that you will continue to make it through things. It is so important that you give yourself credit for what you have learned so far instead of comparing yourself with others. It is so important that you cheer yourself on, instead of putting yourself through the ringer. It is so important that you are fair and kind with this sacred information that you have about yourself. No one, aside from our Creator, knows what we know about ourselves, and so we must be careful and responsible and a noble guardian over these things.

You are worth whatever it takes for you to be respectful, kind, patient and good to yourself. Listen to your heart, listen to your dreams, listen to the things that hurt and take care of them. No matter how much someone else loves you, they can not know what it means to BE you, and so you must do the work of BEing you, and taking care of you.

Take the time, dear friend. You are so important.
Be good to YOU, so that you can be good to everyone you love, and good AT everything you love.

You are so very loved.

xoxo

Freaking out...continued

So I'm sending the link today.  I'm late but I'm doing it.  This is what I'm sending my select audience:

I'm finally to a place where I want to share my blog with a select few people.  Congrats on winning the prize.

I want you to know that you are under no obligation to read it - now or in the future, you don't have to comment on the posts, you don't need to tell me you are reading it or not, you don't need to follow it...basically, it is your call what to do with this information.

I will, however, welcome comments and questions - both on the blog and in person.  I would love it if you read it and follow it.  I am sending you the link because you are someone I honor, cherish and respect.  I also trust you.

My blog focuses on my on-going battle with depression and other forms of mental illness.  I'm not always the best at expressing myself vocally and feel much more competent and comfortable with the written word.  If you choose to read my blog, you will understand me a bit better...or at least that is my hope.

Enjoy it, or not...remember this is your call.  Soon I hope to share my blog with more people.  But until I'm ready for that, you are my audience.  Thank you.

Love,
Shanda

I'm sending this to my husband, sister, mother, step father, Lo and Li.  

Deep breath...and...send... 

Freaking out

When I started my blog, I knew that I would eventually share it.  First with those I'm closest with and then, in time, with acquaintances and those I'm associated with via other forms of social media.  I want to share it so those I know can understand me and my struggles a little bit more.  It is also an easier way to open up the lines of communication to ask questions and get answers. 

In the long run, I would love it if my blog could make a difference for someone.  Maybe that person feels alone and stumbles upon this and realizes he/she is not.  Perhaps a family member who is trying to understand a loved ones thoughts and feelings about his/her depression will read something here that helps them garner greater understanding.  Maybe it will smooth some roads.  If it doesn't do any of that, I'm fine because when it all comes down to it, this blog is for me and my journey.

I'm freaking out because I originally told myself that I would invite some people to view my blog once there were fifty posts.  That number was passed and I felt a bit of disappointment in myself because I didn't share it.  Truth be told, I wasn't ready.  There was a chance I would never be ready but I needed to get my thoughts, fears and information out there.  I set the goal of sixty posts and even told my husband that I would share once I hit that magic number. 

That magically numbered post was the previous one.  This is sixty-one.

Tomorrow I'm sending the link to at least five people. 

Sweet dreams

Hubby is on the night shift again.  He leaves the house between 9:00 and 9:45 pm and is generally home around 8:00 am, 6:00 am at the earliest.  This has been working very well for me in regards to a sleep schedule.

Most nights, I'm going to bed as he is leaving, or shortly after.  I get up by 8:00 am at the latest but usually am up somewhere around 6:00 am.  I'm getting the sleep I need and feel rested throughout the day and only start to feel tired when it gets close to bedtime.  I'm no longer taking naps during the day.

Yesterday I had a massive headache and a very sore throat so I took a few smallish naps.  Doing so bit me in the ass come bedtime and I ended up not not being able to fall asleep until somewhere close to 4:00 am.  I did get up just after 8:00 am since the dogs decided they'd had enough sleep and wanted to get outside and then have some breakfast.  Small blessings for needy doggies who think their needs should come first. 

Since I didn't want to fall back into an up late, sleep in late sleep schedule, I got up and have been up all day.  I'm sure I will sleep well tonight.  I should but you never know what the body will decide to do at any given moment. 

I am really hoping to maintain this schedule.  I like it and it really works well for me and will continue to work well once my husband returns to his regular job and his typical hours.  I'm also hopeful that I will find a 9-5 type of job so I'll already have the sleep thing covered.

Crabby and impatient

Earlier this evening, my hubby and I were looking at some of the Black Friday advertisements online.  We often look at these ads for the good buys on thing we need and gifts for the holidays.  I hadn't felt well all day and he was tired and just in a lazy mindset.  However, we decided to look at them anyway.

This was a small mistake.

We used my laptop so I was opening pages, scrolling and whatnot.  He was leaning back on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and cuddling with the dogs.  I asked him to tell me when he was ready to go to the next page and he did, just not always in a clear manner that indicated he was definitely ready to move on.  This caused some impatience on my part since I was doing the mousing.  He also couldn't read many of the words on the ads because he was so far away from the screen.  He would ask me what something was.

Finally, I got crabby...maybe even bitchy...and snapped at him slightly because he was fully capable of sitting up to see better or running the mouse on his own.

That was when I realized I needed an Ativan.  I excused myself and took one using the place it under your tongue method that is encouraged to speed up the medicine getting into your bloodstream.  For the record, it really doesn't taste bad.

When I reentered the living room, he asked me what I'd gone to do.  I told him nothing and we went about browsing the ads some more.  There were some more instances of crabby so I told him that I had taken an Ativan because I realized I was being impatient and crabby towards him.  He apologized.  I apologized.

In the end, it went better.  Neither of us was in the right mindset to be looking at the ads in the first place so it only progressed from bad to worse.  Talking it through helped and the Ativan made a difference.  

Two months/One month

As of today, I've been on my Zoloft for two months and on my Wellbutrin for one month.  And...

Still nothing of noticeable difference.  I know it's still early on in the treatment process as far as the Wellbutrin goes, and I am trying my best to NOT obsess about it, but...sigh.

On the positive side, I am NOT:

• Depressed
• Suicidal
• Bitchy
• Having crying jags
• Overly moody
• Staying away from social activities
•  Hiding in the bedroom like it is my only safe haven at home

But I am still:

• Blah
• Unmotivated
• Just floating along with no real feelings one way or the other
• Having mind issues - concentration and remembering things/what I was planning to say

So, for now, I'm going to look on the bright side, embrace the silver lining and just be okay.  

The price of happiness has gone down

I mentioned that I had found a discount prescription site and requested information.  It is a free site and the info sent to you is also free.  I was a bit worried it was a total scam but so far, it seems legit.  I don't receive random emails, phone calls or text messages from them.  The only communication was them sending me some coupons to my email address to use if needed before my card arrived. 

The card arrived earlier this week and since I needed to have my prescriptions for Zoloft and Wellbutrin refilled, I decided to give it a try.  I use the pharmacy at Walmart and it was listed as a participating pharmacy so I was hopeful.  I still don't have health insurance so any help, no matter how little, makes a difference.

When I picked up my meds yesterday, I handed the card over and the pharmacist assistant looked confused but she said she would run it anyway.  I waited and was starting to feel like it was a hopeless cause when she summoned me to the counter.  It did work and I did get a discount.  It wasn't all that much but it helps.

I haven't had my Ativan refilled yet so I don't know what kind of savings I will get on it but will report that when I can.  But here are the new prices, with the discount applied:

• Bupropion HCL (generic form of Wellbutrin) 150 mg XL tablet -- $38.08 $32.89 for thirty tablets, saving $5.19
• Sertraline (generic form of Zoloft) 100 mg tablet --$19.72 $13.20 for thirty tablets, saving $6.52

My total savings equaled $11.71.  I'll take it. 

How to improve your mood

I know I've referenced the website Tiny Buddha a few times in the past.  It's a great website/blog with a lot of good information.  The article "30 ways to improve your mood when you're feeling down" arrived in my inbox and I loved it.  Here are the tips:

1. Step back and self-reflect. Whenever I start feeling depressed, I try to stop, reflect, and get to the root of my feelings.  

2. Reach out to someone. I used to bottle up my feelings out of fear that I would be judged if I talked about them. I’ve since learned that reaching out to a loving, understanding person is one of the best things I can do.    

3. Listen to music. Music can heal, put you in a better mood, make you feel less alone, or take you on a mental journey.   

4. Cuddle or play with pets. I have really sweet and happy dogs that are always quick to shower me with love whenever they see me. Spending quality time with a loving pet can instantly make your heart and soul feel better.  

5. Go for a walk. Walking always helps me clear my head and shed negative energy. It’s especially therapeutic if you choose to walk at a scenic location.  

6. Drink something healthy and reinvigorating. For some reason, orange juice always puts me in a better mood and makes me feel revitalized and serene. There are many health and mood benefits of drinking orange juice and other fruit juices.    

7. Write. Writing is usually the first thing I do when I’m feeling down. It always helps me get my thoughts and feelings out in front of me.    

8. Take a nap. Sometimes we just need to recharge. I always feel better after getting some rest.   

9. Plan a fun activity. Moping around never helps me feel any better, so it usually helps to plan something fun to do if I’m feeling up to it. It can be something as simple as creating my own vision board or something as big as planning a trip.     

10. Do something spontaneous. Some of my favorite memories entail choices I made spontaneously. We should all learn to let go of routine every now and then and do something exciting and unplanned.      

11. Prioritize. Sometimes I feel depressed when my priorities are out of balance. I try to make sure I’m giving a fair amount of attention to all the priorities in my life, such as work, relationships, health, and personal happiness.

12. Look through old photographs or snap some new ones. Sorting through old memories or capturing new ones usually puts a smile on my face.   

13. Hug someone. I am definitely a hugger. Hugs are such an easy way to express love and care without having to say a word.  

14. Laugh. Watch a funny movie or spend time with someone who has a good sense of humor. Laughing releases tension and has a natural ability to heal.  

15. Cry. I don’t like crying in front of people, but whenever I have an opportunity to slink away and cry by myself, I always feel better afterwards. Crying releases pain.  

16. Read back over old emails or text messages, or listen to old voicemails. Whenever I feel dejected or bad about myself, I like to read kind emails and comments from my blog readers or listen to cute voicemails from my grandmother. Doing so reminds me that I’m loved, thought about, and appreciated.  

17. Reconnect with someone. Get back in touch with an old friend or a family member that you haven’t spoken to in awhile. Reconnecting with people almost always puts me in a good mood and fills my heart up with love.   

18. Write yourself a letter. I try to separate myself from my ego and give myself a pep talk every now and then. Cicero said, “Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.”  

19. Try a deep breathing exercise. There are all kinds of deep breathing exercises out there. Find one you like and do it whenever you’re feeling stressed or overly emotional.  

20. Cultivate gratitude. Practicing genuine gratitude on a daily basis has been a major source of healing in my life. When I step back and notice everything I have to be grateful for, it makes me feel like I have everything I need and that nothing is lacking. It makes me feel whole.   

21. Re-watch a funny or inspiring YouTube video. I recommend Webcam 101 for Seniors. That video cheers me up every time. There are so many funny and inspiring videos online.    

22. Bake something. Baking has always been therapeutic and entertaining for me. Plus, I can eat whatever I baked and share it with others afterward.  

23. Get out of the house. I work from home, so a large majority of my time is spent indoors, planted in front of my laptop. I have to make a point to get out every now and then, whether it’s to get some fresh air or go out to eat with a friend.    

24. Focus on what truly matters to you. Sometimes I forget what matters to me and what isn’t that important. Some things just aren’t worth getting too upset over.  

25. Take a negative comment or situation and look for something positive about it. If someone says something negative to me or I get stuck in an unpleasant situation, sometimes it helps to look at it from a different angle. Perspective is everything.  

26. Daydream. Take a mental vacation. Let your mind wander for a while.   

27. Let some natural sunlight come in. Opening all the blinds and curtains and letting natural sunlight flood your home can help elevate your mood.   

28. Take a mental health day. Sometimes we just need to take a day to clear our heads and nurture our souls. My mental health has a history of being a bit erratic, so nurturing it is a priority in my life.  

29. Let go. This is a very simple mantra of mine. I usually say it to myself multiple times each day, which has been very liberating and empowering.    

30. Read Tiny Buddha. And of course, you can always read Tiny Buddha! I personally love the quotes section. There is a category for almost every universal theme or emotion.

Sometimes the universe knows what you need

The past few blog entries have been about me obsessing over when and if the Wellbutrin will work for me and, more specifically, about my fear of what it means for me and my mental health recovery IF it doesn't work and we have to take other steps.

So when my "Daily Truth" from the Brave Girls Club arrived in my inbox just a few minutes ago, I had to smile.

Dear Loved Girl,

Sometimes things are so much more simple than we make them out to be in our wild imaginations. We often think too much, analyze too much, let our minds wander too much...and then we end up concocting a wild story that we begin to see as real....then we suffer over all of the facts in that story (the facts that we made up)...we grieve, we stress, we feel wounded.

There can be a million reasons why you didn't get the phone call you were waiting for, why he didn't act very friendly when you ran into him, why she is being particularly distant, why things didn't work out the way you thought was the best. We think about how hard something is going to be, or if we might fail. We think about whether he or she thinks we are good enough or smart enough or fun enough.

Think a little bit about what you have control over. If you are worried about something...is there something that you can do to fix it or change it? If there is...sweet! Do it and stop worrying. If there isn't....darn, realize that there's nothing you can do about it anyway so it's time to stop worrying.

No reason to worry, or fret, or stress or make things bigger than they are. Live your beautiful life. Look all around you and be grateful for every little thing. Focus on the things that you have influence over...love them, cherish them, enjoy them. Let life be simple...let life surprise you a little bit...don't think too hard. Do your best and let everything else go.

Why? Because that is the path to peace....and it will make you happy.

You are so loved.
xoxo

It's true and I know it.  There is nothing I can do about the Wellbutrin except to take it and wait.  I need to just accept that and move on.  Sometimes you just need another reminder. 

A sleep schedule...maybe

My husband is back on the night shift.  This means he leaves for work sometime between 8 and 10 pm and then gets home anywhere between 6 and 10 am.  It also means that I try to go to sleep after he leaves and then wake up when he gets home. 

So far (one day) it has worked well.  I'm hoping that it will continue and that I can maintain it.

Once I get that part of the routine set, I will work on the next step.

Real person experience

In a text conversation with Li, I asked how long it took for the Wellbutrin to work for her.  Here's our convo:

Me:  How long did it take for you to feel like the Wellbutrin was working?

Li:  Way longer than with other antidepressants, and it's a subtle helper.  Doesn't make me feel or behave differently, just overall there's a noticeable change...

[Me jumping the gun and responding, not knowing Li was adding more in her next text]

Me: Okay.  So can you ballpark how long it took until the noticeable change was evident?

Li:  ...in number of down days, sleepless nights, etc.  And it's much easier to mute the "self-hatred channel" in my brain when it turns on.

Li:  More like forty-five days than the usual two-three weeks.  Then again, I had to ramp up to the max dosage, an am not on anything else... YMMV [your mileage may vary]

Me:  I see.  Thanks.  I'm just growing frustrated because the Zoloft started working so quickly that I got my hopes up.  It's only been three weeks so I need to stop obsessing.

Li:  <3 [heart/love] 
 
Me: :) lmL [smiley face and I love you in sign language]

That made me feel better about not feeling anything from the Wellbutrin yet.  So I'm going to do what I can to not focus and obsess about when or if it is going to work for me.  It's a process.

While I hate that Li suffers from depression, I'm so glad that I have a very close friend that I can talk to about  meds, fears, setbacks and triumphs in regards to mental illness.  I have other friends and family members that I talk with, but I never feel like they fully understand because they have not been there.  And it's not that Li and I have had the same experiences, but we are able to sympathize and empathize with each other. 

Three weeks

I'm three weeks into my new med regimen that now includes Wellbutrin.  Sadly, I still feel no differently than I did before I started taking it.  A week ago I thought I was maybe even a bit worse.  I don't really feel that now but I don't feel any different either. 

The frustration continues to grow.  I talked to my husband a bit about it the other day.  He did good with listening and reminded me that I should try to keep calm and just give it some time.  It's good advice that I know but it always helps to bring it to the focal point again. 

And I am trying to not get worked up about it and what it could mean should it not work, but it is hard.  For one, I'm a planner.  I try my best to live in the present moment and not dwell on the past or over think the future.  Sadly, I fail at doing both of those things.  I'm not very good at the whole "wait and see" idea. 

Also, this is my life and well-being that these meds are attempting to help.  That is a HUGE thing and so it really is of top concern.  I know worrying about it does nothing but cause me to worry more and obsess.  It's not healthy for me and it is certainly not some mindset that I should get wrapped up in and over analyze.  I'm trying not to do that.

But it is difficult.

Very, difficult.

Sigh.

I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm trying to take a very proactive approach to handling my mental illness issue and I cannot do anything about how my meds may or may not work for me.  I have no control over that aspect except for how I deal with the "wait and see" methodology, which I'm not dealing with in a very good or productive manner. 

Add to that the fact that I'm a bit of a control freak and ugh, it is a recipe for many small freakouts and a few big ones.  Okay, I'm very much so a control freak and there is no "bit" about it and there are more big freakouts than small ones. 

I am trying.  I'm trying to remain in the present moment and just take one day at a time.  The phrases "what if" and "when will it" fly through my head at a rapid pace but I'm doing what I can to ignore them.  If I cannot ignore them, then I'm trying to address them slightly but not fixate on the thoughts or let them get out of hand. 

It is important to remember that it can take upwards of eight weeks, if not more, for the meds to enter into my system and begin to work.  Li said it took a long time for the Wellbutrin to start to show any affect on her depression.  I really should ask her how long it took for her.  That way I have a real person reference instead of the vague doctor and/or pharmacist statement.

Unmotivated

When I first started this blog, I had high hopes that I would stay dedicated to it and post often.  As I'm getting more and more settled into the meds and the treatment process, I find that I have less and less to write about.  I know that I could do daily updates with my overall feelings and thoughts but, as of right now, they are pretty much the same each and every day.  How boring would that be?

Monday - feeling okay-ish but still unmotivated and just blah.

Tuesday - still unmotivated, mostly okay and overall just blah.

Wednesday - blah, semi-okay, no motivation.

Repeat, repeat, repeat...

YAWN!

It also does absolutely nothing for me.  It doesn't help me realize anything about my depression or anxiety or how the meds are or are not working.  So know that when time goes by between entries, I'm just here.

Just floating.

Just blah.

Just unmotivated.

Just okay-ish. 

Never alone

The above people have all experienced one of the major mental illnesses of Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder or Major Depression (in case you cannot read the small print.)

I know that there are many people out there who have gone through or are going through the same things as me.  While I hate knowing that others have to deal with the crap associated with a mental illness, I do find some comfort in remembering that I'm never truly alone in the fight for an improved and happy life. 

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is an amazing organization and a wonderful resource.  If you have a mental illness or have someone with a mental illness in your life, check it out. 

The video below is a 30 second PSA reminding those who are struggling with a mental illness that they are not alone in the fight.  And that they can win the fight.

Three hundred thirty-six hours

Today is week two of being on Wellbutrin and still nada.  In fact, if anything, I feel a bit more bitchy and moody.  I don't know if this is because I'm settling in to my meds or what.  It's not bad but it's not exactly good either.

Motivation is still severely lacking.  I just really don't care much about doing anything or plans.  I'm doing what I can to stick to my schedules and obligations but I feel a cold coming on and that will put me out of commission for the most part until it runs its course.

Still feeling a bit hopeless about the Wellbutrin not working yet.  It's frustrating and my biggest fear is that it won't work and we will need to either up the Zoloft dosage or start playing medication roulette by starting over with hit and miss trials.  I really don't want to go through that again but I also want and need to get well.

Oh...that nice sleep schedule that I was maintaining?  Yep, totally fucked and gone now.  My husband's schedule is still funky and I haven't really done anything to remedy the sleeping/waking/alarm blaring situation so I'm staying up all night and then sleeping for a good part of the morning and some of the afternoon.

Something has to change and soon because I cannot deal with the sleep schedule.  And I'm hoping beyond hope that the Wellbutrin will kick in and work as the doctor thinks it will.  I don't go back to see him until January but he did say I could get scheduled to come in to see him if I was having issues.  I'm not having issues and won't even consider making an appointment until I've been on the Wellbutrin for at least eight weeks or something goes "bad" and I hit the scary place. 

Take your Ativan...revisited

Had a quaint get together with Li, her husband, their boys, me and my husband at Li's house.  It was in celebration of Samhain.  We brought some snacks and drinks, they provided some snack and drinks and we all communed around the fire pit in the back yard.  It was a lovely night.

Due to some of my recent experiences in social situations, I took an Ativan prior to the event.  It worked.  It was a very laid back evening but towards the end I was feeling a bit frustrated with my husband.  I felt we needed to head home (for many reason such as the host being super tired and falling asleep as well as the fact that my husband actually had to get home and try to snag a couple hours of sleep before heading to work at 4:30 am.)

Even though I was feeling frustrated, I didn't get to the point of being angry or bitchy.  I was able to express my frustration in a very polite manner that worked out very well for everyone involved.

This just further proves my social situation = Ativan hypothesis.