Take your Ativan

I guess you can say that I've learned the hard way that when going into a social situation, I need to take an Ativan prior to the event and bring more for during the event.

Saturday, we had a huge Samhain celebration with our Pagan group.  It requires a fair amount of planning for me and Lo and we pretty much spend the entirety of the event rushing around from one activity to the next with very little time to socialize or actually enjoy the event.  This is the fifth Samhain we've hosted so it is a bit easier every time but still quite stressful.  My husband, step kids and a friend of the girl child were also there so there was a bit of additional stress.

Knowing this, I took an Ativan several hours before the event, about two hours before we began setting up.  I then took another one an hour in to the event and had one left if necessary.  It wasn't but I did enjoy myself much more.  I didn't have a freak out.  I didn't snap at anyone.  I didn't cry.  I didn't have a panic attack. 

I WAS NOT A BITCH.

The next day, Li and her husband were hosting a ritual experience.  I wasn't required to do anything but show up and enjoy watching and/or participating in the ritual.  I also did not have to do a single bit of the planning for this event.  Not one single thing.

I should have been fine.  I should have been relaxed and enjoying myself.

Nope.

I WAS A BITCH...at least towards my husband.  (For which I did apologize for later.)

I was on edge and moody.  I was snappy towards the husband and built into a small panic that I was able to get under control before it exploded into a full-blown attack.   I was impatient and I really didn't like myself but didn't feel like I had control over it.

Later I talked to my husband about it and we examined how it all worked out.  He agreed with my conclusion that social events = Ativan for me.  I knew I would plan to take them for a while when I was going into stressful situations but didn't realize I would need them when I was going out for what should be a mostly stress-free event.  Now I know.

I guess I don't now for sure but the evidence points to my hypothesis being accurate and correct for now.

Seven days

As of today, I have been on Wellbutrin for seven days.  So far, I don't feel any different.  I know that it can take some time to get into my system but since it seemed like the Zoloft worked quite quickly, I was a bit hopeful. 

It is difficult waiting.  Once I decided to get back on my meds, I was ready to get going and start feeling better.  And I did initially but I wasn't where I really wanted to be.  So Dr. S added the Wellbutrin.  If it does what he thinks it will do, I am going to be in a very good position.  Crossing my crossables that he's correct. 

Everything else med-wise seems to be on track and working as it should.  I won't be recording my progress, or lack thereof, with the Wellbutrin weekly.  Monthly seems to make much more sense since that is what I'm going to switch to in order to monitor how I'm doing on my Zoloft.  Of course, should I see a difference and feel that it has kicked in, I will definitely make mention of that.

There was a job opening (might still be open) that I was contemplating submitting an application for.  It is part-time at a place I adore.  I did a lot of thinking and even though I may regret it, I didn't feel I was quite ready to put myself out there.  Actually, I was okay with putting myself out there but it was the fear of getting the job and failing miserably because of some depression or anxiety flare up.  I didn't want to burn that bridge or set myself up for a potential downward spiral since I'm still just teetering on the edge of being "okay."  

"I see the Light" lyrics

This song is in the movie "Tangled" and is performed by Mandy Moore and features Zachary Levi.  Below are the lyrics.  It makes me think about my descent into the real me, the one who is happy and cares about life again.  Both the "you" in the lyrics and the "I" are me so it is like I'm talking to myself, telling the depressed Shanda that the real Shanda is the one I want to be.  And yes, I am aware that this is meant as a love song but hell, if I cannot love myself, then who can?

All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things the way they were
Now she's here shining in the starlight
Now she's here, suddenly I know
If she's here, it's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog is lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you, now that I see you

Taking on a new responsibility

Meds must be working because...I went ahead and signed up to chair the Setup/Clean up Committee for post prom.  I'm already feeling a little bit of apprehension about this but know that it will be fine.  My husband is my co-chair so he knows my signs and how to best help me work through any issues that may arise.

The prom isn't until March but the planning needs to start now.  This chairperson role involves chairing the committee (obviously) but also conducting monthly meetings and all things that go with said meeting.  We have a small list of suggestions and tips but it seems like we will be somewhat flying by the seats of our pants. 

So yes, a little apprehension but I wouldn't have signed up to do it if I didn't think I would be able to handle it.  Husband will help but I know he's mostly there for the muscle and that I will be the one doing the planning and organizing.  I know I can do this and am a little excited to have some responsibilities outside of the home.

Validation

I feel like I'm going to start to annoy people with asking "Do you think I'm better?" because I really want to know what other people think.  Deep down, I know it only truly matters what I feel but there are so many people in my life that have been affected by my depression and anxiety that I want to know if they are seeing an improvement.  Maybe I need to put it out there to those I'm closest with that I want them to tell me if they have noticed any changes or improvements and to let me know if they see any in the future.

In other news, I'm laughing.  That seems like such a silly and random statement but there have been very few moments of true, deep laughter in the past year.  I'm not saying that I never laughed, but it was rare and something really had to strike me as utterly hilarious.  Now I find myself laughing at typical things like lines in a comedy show, my dogs in their cute matching doggie pajamas, my husband being a goofball. 

Oh, and the smiles...they are real and genuine.  I'm not putting on those fake-ass masks and pretending that I'm happy just so people will leave me alone.  I am truly feeling good.  And when I'm less than happy, I don't fake it for the sake of others.  I'm being the real me and letting my emotions show, even if they are the scary ones.

I'm also putting myself out there some by initiating social activities instead of sitting back and waiting for an invitation.  I'm feeling a bit more comfortable and confident with myself again.  I'm excited about getting out and doing things.  I'm not going crazy and scheduling multiple engagements a day, but I'm going out at least twice a week. 

I've missed this. 

I've missed me.

New med

Started taking Wellbutrin today.  I know it will take a while to actually get into my system and start helping (or not helping...never know how these things will go) but I'm hopeful that it will be the kick I need.  I really do not want to start on a completely new drug regimen but will if that is the only option.  Gods, I hope it is not the only option.

Other than that, the sleeping schedule is back to a more so regular person schedule.  Most nights I get to bed between 10:00 pm and 11:00 pm and am usually up around 7:00 am.  This has been going on for the past several days.  Next week, my husband will be starting a "typical" schedule for his job where he has to be to work at 7:00 am.  This will help me with my sleep schedule since it's really just easier to go to bed when he does and wake up around the same time. 

I'm also, as per doctor's orders, to be working towards the healthy lifestyle that will help with my depression.  Part of this is to get on a sleep schedule so yay me.  I'm also supposed to start getting regular exercise and eating in a healthier way.  Anything else that promotes a healthier lifestyle is encouraged.  Since I no longer smoke and rarely drink alcohol and caffeinated beverages, I have a few of those "good" things checked off my life. 

Because I'm a list maker, I will be working on some goals for a healthier lifestyle list this weekend.  I know I will share it here because it makes sense and also, by making it public, makes me more accountable.  Yes, maybe no one will ever read my blog but I can still take accountability that someone could and may ask me about it.

Good advice

I'm all about promoting other people, especially when what they say/write totally resonates with me and with what I'm experiencing.  This post from Tiny Buddha called "Uplifting Depression: 15 Unexpected Lessons from Adversity" was one such thing.  In a way, I'm following the lead of this post by blogging through my experiences with depression.

My favorite part of the entry is about the unexpected lessons you can learn from something less than pleasant.  I'm not really in the place to start such a list right now, but I think it is a fantastic idea for the future.  Not only will this list help me reflect on how much I was actually able to learn and gain from this struggle but perhaps it will aid someone else who may stumble upon my blog.

Here are the 15 unexpected lessons:

1. Don’t ignore warning signals in your body. Frequent petty colds, stomach aches, and headaches may all be a sign of stress. 
2. There is no need to be strong all the time, and even less of a need to maintain an image of strength in front of others. 
3. Achievements and titles mean nothing if they’re not something you’re passionate about. 
4. Creativity is therapeutic, and it’s in everyone, just sometimes suppressed. 
5. We need to matter the most to ourselves—over any job promotion, meeting, excel spreadsheet. 
6. Not replying to emails immediately is not the end of the world. 
7. We all need spare time for ourselves—time for solitude and reflection. 
8. It doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks, if we know in our hearts something isn’t right. 
9. Most petty worries aren’t serious. So save some energy. 
10. Everything will be okay in time.
11. Health is the most important thing in the world. 
12. Sometimes it’s best to stop doing so many things, and instead spend more time enjoying what we have. 
13. There is no point in being afraid of the uncertainty because it doesn’t change that the future is uncertain. Leap. 
14. We don’t have to worry about being a disappointment to anyone, because we do not need to live according to anyone else’s expectations of us. 
15. We will all hurt. Embrace the pain, and know that suffering is a choice.

The price of happiness has gone up

Today was my one month med check with Dr. S.  It went really good.  As I've said in a few past posts, I'm feeling mostly good but still just a bit blah and unmotivated.  I'm also still having some brain issues in that my thoughts are jumbled at times and I'm increasingly forgetful.  Dr. S said there were three options to remedy this:

1. Get on a routine that includes at least eight hours of sleep a night.  Exercise daily and live a healthy lifestyle that includes eating properly.  
2. To increase my Zoloft dosage.  Zoloft tops out at 200 mg and I am currently taking 100 mg.
3. Add an additional medication to give me a boost without the side effects of increasing my serotonin like Zoloft would do.  He would put me on 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL. 

The first option is already something I'm working on and it is slowly falling into place.  The sleep schedule is still not right or perfect but that is because of my husband and his current work schedule.  I am trying to eat better and take care of myself physically and spiritually.  It's a process and one that I'm slowly incorporating into my life again.

Option two and three were the ones we discussed.  He wanted to go with option three and I agreed with him.  I'm worried that more Zoloft will make me into a zombie who cannot feel emotions.  It is already messing my my sexual pleasure but that is something I can deal with for now.  Wellbutrin (generic is Bupropion HCL 150 mg XL) will help with the sexual stuff and should give me the boost I need to get motivated and get past the blah feelings.  It will also, hopefully, help with the concentration issues.

Although I have the pills now, I'm not going to take them until Friday.  My Zoloft is almost gone so I might as well start them both at the same time with thirty pills each.  By doing this I also won't be running out of one two days before the other.  It's a little bit OCD of me but that is how I roll.  

So the cost of my happiness has gone up, at least for now, and will if the Wellbutrin works.  Here is my new breakdown for costs of my medications:

• Bupropion HCL (generic form of Wellbutrin) 150 mg XL tablet -- $38.08 for thirty tablets
• Sertraline (generic form of Zoloft) 100 mg tablet --$19.72 for thirty tablets
• Lorazepam (generic form of Ativan) 0.5 mg tablet -- $16.84 for sixty tablets

The Lorazepam is not something I need to refill monthly and, if history is any indication, the sixty tablets should last me around six months.  This makes my monthly medication bill to be just under $60.00.  Not bad, really.  I did find a discount prescription site and my card should arrive in a few weeks.  I'm going to give it a try since it is free.  Heck, it cannot hurt and if I can get my meds for half price or less, it is definitely worth it.  

Dr. S has also pretty much dismissed the thought that I might be bi-polar.  He still wants me to self-monitor for any signs or symptoms.  But he is feeling rather confident that I'm not.  He did mention that it can turn at any time so I'm to report any problems immediately.

Also, I'm to take the Wellbutrin in the morning.  If I find it messes with me being able to sleep, I'm to switch it to something I take before bed.  It's really just a game of chance and figuring out what works best for me.

My next med check will be in three months on Tuesday, January 8, 2013 at 9:30 am. 

Brain scan

I'm not a nurse or a doctor or even remotely trained in much anything medically related but when I see this, it is more than clear that there is a difference. 

This is not my brain but it is (supposedly) from the Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research and they know their stuff.  The brain scan on the left is of someone who is depressed and/or suffering from depression while the one on the right is of someone not suffering from depression.  It is scary crazy just how different they look. 

But it is an accurate depiction of just how different those people may act and feel. 

The non-depressed person's brain is bright and colorful.  From the scan, it makes me think that the brain and person are lively and experiencing life full-on.  It looks happy.  The other scan looks like a shadow of the non-depressed scan.  There are a few bright parts but overall, it is dark and gloomy.  I seems sad and like it is dying. 

Seeing the differences in the scans helps me remember that I have a mental disorder/illness or a brain disorder.  It is something that is factual and is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain.  My life could be utterly perfect looking from an outside perspective, but I will still be dealing with my depression.  This is not something I can prevent but I can minimize.  I will more than likely always have depression but it is something I can control by following certain steps. 

Describing my depression, part 4

I keep doing these posts on "describing my depression" because it is imperative to my own well being to explain what is going on with me and in my head.  I also feel the need to continue to do this so I can work through it and come up with better ways to explain my depression to other people.  I think I'm making some strides in the right direction.

Anyway, several months ago, I stumbled upon this little gem of a guy.  Yep, there he is...chilling at my dinner table and taking up space.  He's the evil, scary, overpowering depression.  He looks like a monster.  He is frightening. 

This little buddy slinks into my brain and takes up residence.  He infects every aspect of my life and works on taking over.  Some days, he wins and you don't get a glimpse at anything or anyone close to me.  Sometimes he shadows me and just casts icky blackness on my moods and actions.  There are even moments when he hides in the very back, taking up so little space that you don't even realize that he's still there or that he can quickly jump back to full-sized, up-front scary.At times, he can disappear completely for several days, weeks, or months.  When he does reappear, sometimes it is as a bigger than life, in-your-face slam but it can also arrive in a slow trickle until he is flooded everywhere. 

You cannot stop him from hanging around but you can tame him and cage him some, rendering him incapable of interfering with your life.  I do this by taking anti-depressants.  I also help keep him at bay but getting enough sleep, living a healthy lifestyle, utilizing my coping mechanisms and relying on some routines and schedules.  It is not a perfect or fool-proof solution but it is working for now. 

Exploring a suspicion

A little over a week ago, I had this feeling that maybe, just maybe, I haven't really either wanted to get better or wasn't ready to get better in the past.  This was a very scary thought for me because it has been about eight years since I've been fully "better."  In that time, my husband has been the only one working to support our family.  I did have a few babysitting stints that maybe covered our grocery bill but still, I haven't really been contributing financially to our household. 

I've revisited the thought a few times since and even talked to Li about it.  My biggest fear was that my husband would be pissed when I told him.  I know that our relationship is strong and secure so I wasn't worried that this confession would cause some massive damage to our marriage.  Honestly, I wouldn't blame him if he was pissed.  But I knew I needed to tell him about it but also really wanted to explore it for myself first.  There was no point in bringing it up if it wasn't necessary.

But yesterday morning, I just spit it out.  I told him and he actually took it really well.  As Li had mentioned, he even suspected it a little bit.  We talked it out some and I feel much better about it.  I'm still not sure if it is a true statement or not and I will continue to explore it further but knowing that my husband supports me and seems to understand makes it all the easier for me to take an honest look at those feelings.  It also frees me to be accepting that it could be true since I know I have him on my side.

One thought that my husband and I have explored in the past is that when I had my big break in 2004, that it was bigger than others because for the first time in a long time, I was in a safe environment where I knew I was cared for and would be taken care of.   I'm not saying my parents and step parents weren't there for me, but I was on my own when the first breakdown occurred.  My parents were supportive and did help out but it wasn't the same as what I have with my husband.  His love for me...that unconditional and beautiful love...allowed me to be safe in losing it without fear of doing it on my own.  Yes, I needed to deal with the issues but I have a live-in support system.

So perhaps I've been just reveling in that for the past several years.  Maybe this was my time of healing and letting someone take care of me on just about ever level.  If this suspicion is real and accurate or not, I may never know.  But I also don't know that I do need to know.  I'm committed to my recovery and to getting my life back on track.  I'm not going to let my fears stop me.  I'm stronger and much better prepared for the battle ahead and I owe a great deal of that strength to the love and support I've received from my husband.

Natural alternative to Alzrazolam (Xanax) for anxiety

Source: Prevention

Key Statistics: Women are 60% more likely than men to experience an anxiety disorder, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.  

Natural Remedy: Write It Out. Anxious feelings may start out small but can spiral out of control. Each time you have an anxious thought about a certain situation (such as speaking in front of your managers at work), physical sensations such as butterflies in your stomach or nausea may accompany it, setting off a vicious cycle. Journaling can help you better understand what triggers your anxiety and what helps it, says Nomita Sonty, PhD, associate clinical professor at Columbia University. Here are her tips for keeping a journal:

• Take 10 to 15 minutes every day to write about your experiences, including your anxious ones.
• Start by asking yourself: What happened to me today? What triggered nervous feelings?
• Then note how you reacted to those feelings. (Believing that the worst would happen magnifies feelings of anxiety.)
• Finish by recording how you dealt with it and how it made you feel. For example, if you drank alcohol to help curb your anxiety but ended up feeling worse later, write that down. Or if you notice that each time you got anxious you went for a walk and felt better, write that down too.

“Journaling about your thoughts, feelings, and actions can help you become more aware because you can look back at your entries, so it’s easier to identify your triggers and patterns of behavior,” says Dr. Sonty.
_____________

I used to do this a long time ago and it did help somewhat.  Mostly it helped me create this list of causes and this list of coping mechanisms.  I don't have panic attacks as much anymore but do take medication for it.  I think it would be a good idea for me to start doing this again when the anxious moments arise.  Definitely cannot hurt and if I learn something from it then it is most definitely worth it. 

Natural alternative to Sertraline HCL (Zoloft) for depression

Read more at Prevention.

Key Statistics: Women are 70% more likely than men to suffer from depression, reports the National Institute of Mental Health.  

Natural Remedy: Put More Fish on Your Dish. Some research finds that fish oil can have an anti-depressant effect. “Studies show that eating omega-3 rich seafood two or more times a week may be linked with a 50 percent lower rate of depression,” says Dr. Miller. She points to Iceland, where they eat a hefty 225 pounds of cold-water fish such as char, herring and cod per person per year—and have surprisingly low rates of seasonal affective disorder and depression despite long, dark winters. By contrast, Americans average out at 48 pounds of fish per person. To get your dose of omega-3s, try having a daily teaspoon of cod liver oil. Dr. Teitelbaum recommends also recommends 1 capsule of Vectomega daily. Or make an effort to eat low-mercury fish (high-mercury swimmers such as swordfish have been linked to birth defects) twice a week. Go for grilled salmon when ordering at restaurants, or make your own light tuna salad by mixing low-mercury canned tuna, such as Fishing Vessel St. Jude (find out where to buy at www.tunatuna.com), with greens and 2 tablespoons reduced-fat olive oil and balsamic vinegar dressing. Sardines are another great choice, says Dr. Miller. “If you are not a fish lover you can still get your omega-3s by eating leafy greens, seeds such as flax or pumpkin, walnuts, and free range meats and dairy, ” Dr. Miller adds. 
_____________

I'm always looking for natural alternatives to my medication.  I know that my depression is strong and great enough that I'll probably never be able to be off my medication but anything that can give me a little boost is worth checking out further.  So I'm going to do this.  If I notice that it is working, I will definitely report back to spread the word.

Remember...

From Brave Girls Club:

Dear Weary Girl,

In a funk, beautiful friend? If you are...or ever find yourself there....please take heart and know that there are simply seasons in life...and some of them feel a little “funky” and that those feelings will pass, and the light will shine again, and your smile will come easily again, and you will laugh again and then.....you will forget all about this funk in such a powerfully forgetful way that next time the funk comes, you will forget that it will leave just like the funk always does...and you will have to remind yourself of this all over again....and that is okay, too, lovely you.

It’s not fair to ourselves to expect that every day will feel perfect. Sometimes we are tired, sometimes the chemicals in our bodies are unbalanced, sometimes the sun is not out, sometimes days go all wrong...sometimes we react in ways we are not proud of.........it happens to all of us...so please don’t take it personally, sweet friend.

Everything will turn around. You will be back to your wonderful, light-filled you-ness before you know it...you will. Just stick with it...get some rest, fill your mind and body with good and beautiful things. Take care of your heart. Go where the peace is and stay out of the darkness. Everything is going to be okay.

You are so very very very loved.
It is going to be okay.

xoxo 

_____________

The Brave Girls Club is a great website.  They have a great deal of motivational items, run workshops and just inspire you to be the best you possible.  The gem above is from "Your daily truth from the Brave Girls Club" a.k.a. "A little bird told me."  Check them out if you could use some life-changing fun.

Twenty-one days

That is how many days it has been since I went back to the doctor and started taking my Zoloft again.  I'm doing okay and am pretty sure I can feel that meds working.  The list at two weeks is mostly the same so that is really good in the big scheme of things. 

However, there are two things I need to make a note of since they are keys in my getting better and important to remember.

One is that I'm feeling a bit blah.  I'm not depressed per say, but I'm just kind of floaty and numb.  I'm not entirely sure how to explain it any better.  The motivation is lessening, which isn't a good thing since it wasn't really there anyway.  I care about some things but not everything or even all the things I think I should care about.  It wasn't that I was feeling really up or happy but I'm not feeling quite as good as I did last week.  Some of this might be the fact that I have my period, my allergies are acting up and I think I'm getting a bit of a cold.  My husband's work schedule is also completely messing with my sleep schedule.  It was working but now it isn't.  If he continues on this shift past this week, we are going to need to work out different sleeping arrangements.

The second thing is that I've been able to cry.  This is huge for me.  In the past, one symptom of my depression was crying jags.  I would cry when I was upset, happy, sad, tired, frustrated, moved or for just about any reason at all.  When I was on my meds, it was like they were working a little too well.  I couldn't cry and express myself in that way.  I've always been an emotional person and have cried freely so not being about to cry was very disturbing.  I appreciated not crying as much but when you are watching a sad movie, a few tears are a good thing.  Or if you attend a funeral, crying is a release. 

So, what do these two things mean to me?  Well, with the first one, I might need to try a higher dosage, if that is an option.  If a larger dosage isn't available, then I might have to go to a different medication.  I'm really not looking forward to potentially starting the anti-depressant dance again.  But I will because I want/need to get better and stay better. 

With the second, I'm just relieved.  I am worried that if I have to go to a stronger dosage of Zoloft or a different medication, that I won't be able to cry.  If that happens, I'm going to have to make a decision between feeling somewhat blah and unmotivated but am able to cry or not being able to cry but feeling much better with motivation and greater happiness.  It seems that it would be an easy decision but it isn't. 

The not crying and/or not being able to fully feel and express my emotions have been good enough reasons to stop taking my meds in the past.  I won't go that far because I'm fully committed to my recovery (hate that term but it is true and semi-accurate) which means getting and staying better.  I know I'm just worrying about something that may not even happen so I'm going to do my best to not think about it until I report back to Dr. S and see what he has to say.

Mind problems

I've been reporting that I've been feeling much better and that I'm not experiencing as many of the depression issues that plague me.  And I am.  I'm very hopeful that I will continue to improve.

There is, however, one problem that has not improved.  My brain is still a very muddled place to live.  My thoughts are quickly dissipating and I keep finding myself either rambling and providing too much information or not being able to compose a single thought or at least one that makes sense.  Quite often I go to speak and when I open my mouth to do so, I go blank and spend time trying to recall what it was that I'd wanted to say, usually without success.

I know that this can be something that is totally unrelated to my struggles with depression but I also know that it can have something to do with my depression or other mental disorders.   It is something that I will bring up to Dr. S when I see him in a few weeks on October 16.

This issue is both aggravating and unnerving to me.  It's aggravating because I hate not being able to rely on my brain to help me communicate.  It doesn't happen all the time but it happens enough that I'm noticing it as a problem.  Words are also my thing and not being able to string them together to form thoughts and express myself is almost as bad as taking away the air that I breathe.

It is unnerving because of my family history involving dementia and Alzheimer's disease.  My paternal grandmother had dementia and was showing the early signs of Alzheimer's when she passed away.  Her passing may have, in part, been caused by the dementia and/or Alzheimer's.  Her children - my father and my aunt - are both in their early- to mid-sixties and are experiencing issues with memory loss.  My father has always been bad with names and forgetful but it is gotten worse over the years.  Sometimes he forgets that he has told me something and repeats it a few times.  This isn't usually in the same conversation but two separate conversations roughly a week apart.  He also tends to think he's told me something or that I've told him something that hasn't been said.

At one time I read that people with mental disorders are more likely to get dementia and/or Alzheimer's disease and also that both can run in families.  All of the blood-related women on my father's side of the family (sister, grandmother, aunt, cousin and her daughter), including my father, have all had issues with depression that have required medication at one point in time or another.   I've also heard that depression and other mental disorders can also run in families.  Makes me a bit worried about my current problems.

In the last two years, instances of my forgetfulness have been increasing.  One day I went to cut up a tomato for a salad and stood there with the knife in one hand and the tomato in the other for several moments before remembering how to cut it.  There are other times that I will place items I need to take with me upon leaving only to forget to take them.  The forgetfulness does not occur as much as the moments when I just lose my thoughts.

Weird sleep schedule out of necessity

I've talked about how sleep is critical to my well-being and how it also acts as an indicator of a depression flare up.  I also mentioned how I tend to model my sleep patterns after my husband since I don't work and that he has a somewhat wonky work schedule lately and that it was to return to normal soon.  It didn't and doesn't appear that it will for at least two more weeks, if not until the end of the year.  Yes, YEAR!

Bloody hell...

Currently, he goes to work at 4:00 am.  That mean he goes to bed anywhere in the 7:00-9:00 pm time frame and his alarm goes off somewhere between 2:30 and 3:00 am.  He then has to hit snooze a few times, eventually crawl out of bed, get dressed for work and go about his morning routine in order by leave the home by 3:45 am.  Our two dogs, who share our bed, also wake up with him and then come back to bed. 

One of my sleep issues if that if I've been asleep for less than 60-90 minutes or more than 4 hours and then wake up for anything more than a trip to the bathroom, I'm typically up for at least several hours.  This happened when my husband started this new schedule.  I also slept through his alarm and got a blissful night of sleep but that was the exception rather than the rule.

His bed time was not working for me at all.  I'm a night owl and do my best everything then.  Besides, I had zero desire to wake up around 3:00 am and going to bed at that time would ensure that I was waking up at that time along with him.  It wasn't working so I made it work.

I now stay up until his alarm goes off.  I then spend some time with him and we chat while he goes through his morning routine.  After he leaves, I go to bed and generally sleep until 7:00 or 8:00 am when the dogs wake me up to go outside and have their breakfast.  We play around and within an hour, they are ready to cuddle so we head back to bed and get up around noon.  It's not perfect but I'm getting what feels like enough sleep.  I know that I'm getting enough to judge if increased sleep is out of need or a depression indicator.

What sucks is that if he continues on this weird schedule, it could actually change.  The contract he's working on requires that he and his co-worker fix a machine so it is ready for a certain shift.  When he worked the overnight shift, it was on machines for first shift.  This schedule he is working now is for the machines on second shift.  Who knows what machines they will be fixing next and so who knows what hours he will be working and sleeping.  All I do know is that I will adapt and make it work for me so I get the sleep I need.

Describing my depression, part 3

When my depression is acting up and when I'm in The Bad Place, it is so difficult to describe to someone.  Those who know me best, know that something is wrong or off with me when they ask me how I'm doing, I just cannot explain what exactly is going on.  If I say, I'm depressed the auto-reply is "why?"  But as we know, that isn't something you can answer with a reason like "I flunked a test."  There is a cause/reason, but it is something that isn't an environmental cause. 

Often I just say that I'm sick.  And it's true.  No, I don't have a cold or the flu, but I am feeling equally as bad, if not worse.  "Sick" is my default answer because most people don't ask for a lot of details or specifics.  Let's face it, no one wants to hear that you cannot step away from the bathroom for fear you'll have to vomit in a trash can.

You do feel sad, upset and unhappy.  You don't want to do anything or deal with anything or anybody.  Demands on you, some as simple as answering if you want chocolate or vanilla ice cream, can lead to a breakdown and tears.  You cannot cope with everyday life and you really don't want to in that moment.  Hell, you are lucky if you can manage to brush your teeth or comb your hair. 

It really is that difficult to function and exist. 

It is a struggle.

It sucks.

It hurts.

But I'm going to quit using "sick" as my response.  I'm going to tell those who ask me how I'm doing that I'm dealing with my depression and it is currently winning against me, if that is the case in the moment.  If they ask for more information, I'm going to try to tell them in a way that makes sense to someone without depression.  I'm going to trust that they truly care and really want to know.  I'm not going to censor myself and that means being honest with those in my life and with myself.

Two weeks

As of today, I have been on my meds for two weeks.  I really think they are working because:

1. I feel better/not depressed
2. I'm less angry/temperamental/moody/bitchy --->
3. No crying jags
4. Sleeping better (falling asleep easier, staying asleep)
5. Actually give a shit about stuff 
6. Have motivation, at least some
7. More patience

There are probably a lot of other differences too but those are the ones that I can think of right now.

I'm chalking this up to it being a success and a very good thing.  Part of me is afraid to get overly excited that I'm getting back to the me I know and love because I never know when the progress/healing/coping will come to a halt and we may need to re-evaluate the medicine or the dosage.  It's comparable to hitting a plateau in a weight loss plan.  You get angry and frustrated and a small part of you wants to throw in the towel because you never are going to get better or reach that goal.

And even though I'm a little bit afraid, I'm going to keep moving forward and doing what I can to get to the place where I am better.  I think I have finally hit that point in my life when I'm fed up and done with letting the depression win.  I've also come to terms with the fact that I will need to stay on my meds, even when I start feeling better, for perhaps the rest of my life.  I guess you can say I'm done being the victim of my depression and anxiety.

This new mindset feels so empowering to me.  I really like it.  I'm very positive that I will be able to continue with my determined outlook and plan, even when/if times get tough again.

There's this little niggling voice in the back of my mind that keeps suggesting that I haven't truly wanted to get better, at least not completely, in the past.  Or maybe it is that I hadn't been fully ready to get better.  Regardless, I need to explore this further.  I don't believe it is true...or at least I hope it isn't true...but the fact that it is there, tittering in the corner and making me think, requires some examination.   I'm not quite ready for that yet but will be exploring it soon.

Regardless, I am going to get better or die trying.  It's the only option for me anymore.  I will push past any frustrations or setbacks that arise.  I will actively work towards creating a lifestyle that is healthier for me on all levels - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.