A little over a week ago, I had this feeling that maybe, just maybe, I haven't really either wanted to get better or wasn't ready to get better in the past. This was a very scary thought for me because it has been about eight years since I've been fully "better." In that time, my husband has been the only one working to support our family. I did have a few babysitting stints that maybe covered our grocery bill but still, I haven't really been contributing financially to our household.
I've revisited the thought a few times since and even talked to Li about it. My biggest fear was that my husband would be pissed when I told him. I know that our relationship is strong and secure so I wasn't worried that this confession would cause some massive damage to our marriage. Honestly, I wouldn't blame him if he was pissed. But I knew I needed to tell him about it but also really wanted to explore it for myself first. There was no point in bringing it up if it wasn't necessary.
But yesterday morning, I just spit it out. I told him and he actually took it really well. As Li had mentioned, he even suspected it a little bit. We talked it out some and I feel much better about it. I'm still not sure if it is a true statement or not and I will continue to explore it further but knowing that my husband supports me and seems to understand makes it all the easier for me to take an honest look at those feelings. It also frees me to be accepting that it could be true since I know I have him on my side.
One thought that my husband and I have explored in the past is that when I had my big break in 2004, that it was bigger than others because for the first time in a long time, I was in a safe environment where I knew I was cared for and would be taken care of. I'm not saying my parents and step parents weren't there for me, but I was on my own when the first breakdown occurred. My parents were supportive and did help out but it wasn't the same as what I have with my husband. His love for me...that unconditional and beautiful love...allowed me to be safe in losing it without fear of doing it on my own. Yes, I needed to deal with the issues but I have a live-in support system.
So perhaps I've been just reveling in that for the past several years. Maybe this was my time of healing and letting someone take care of me on just about ever level. If this suspicion is real and accurate or not, I may never know. But I also don't know that I do need to know. I'm committed to my recovery and to getting my life back on track. I'm not going to let my fears stop me. I'm stronger and much better prepared for the battle ahead and I owe a great deal of that strength to the love and support I've received from my husband.
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