Sunday, June 30, 2013

Unconditional joy

Dear Shanda, 

The minute you set a goal and then attach to the outcome - telling yourself you have failed if you don't achieve it - you give away your power to create unconditional joy in your life. You’re better off setting goals - and then releasing attachment to outcomes - trusting that some things just want to happen because they're for the highest good of all beings, and if those things are meant to manifest, they will. 

Yes, it’s good to have goals and dreams and visions and missions. But once you put your dreams out there, release them like butterflies so they can have their way with the world. 

You can never fully know what the Universe has in store for you. Sometimes you ask for a Pinto and the Universe is trying to give you a Rolls Royce. Yet if you fail to get the Pinto, you get disappointed. You feel like you failed. When really, the Rolls Royce is right around the corner. 

Can you set goals but release attachment to outcomes? Can you trust in The Way, instead of clinging to Your Way? Can you find joy even when things don't go as you hoped? 

Trust me. I’ll help. 

Illuminating the way, 
Your Inner Pilot Light

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Broken

Yesterday was a bad day.  A very, very bad day. 

It wasn't because of depression.  It was because of something I had to do.

Yes, had to do.  I need to remind myself of that until I believe it.   Because I really cannot even remotely fathom believing it at the point.

I cannot write about it now.  The emotions are just too raw.  But I feel broken.

I did have a panic attack though.

Hopefully I will be able to write about the very, very bad days soon.

But I am forever changed.  Nothing from this day forward will ever truly be the same.




Saturday, June 22, 2013

Depression is terrible


https://www.facebook.com/acanvasoftheminds
I don't want to compare depression and cancer because they are two completely different things.  But they do affect your life in similar ways in that they change so many aspects and can destroy you.  There are treatments for both, none of which are guaranteed to work.   Both are capable of killing you - quickly or slowly.  Both hurt in so many ways - physically, emotionally, and mentally.  You have the choice to fight it or let it win.  

I'm also not saying one is worse than the other.  Or that one is easier to have than the other.  

But the quote resonates with me.  

When someone has cancer, people know what to expect.  They understand what chemotherapy and radiation are meant to do to help the person with cancer and they may be aware of the potential side effects of such treatments.  People understand cancer. 

Many people do not understand depression or other forms of mental illness, at least not fully.  They don't know what to expect.  They don't know the processes to treat it.  

Friday, June 21, 2013

Do what you can

Now I just need to actually follow the advice as I know I should.  Thank you, again, Brave Girls Club.

Dear Soulful Girl,

All you can do is all you can do. There's really nothing more that you can do, so fretting over things that you don't have any more time, energy or resources to accomplish is only going to make things miserable when they don't have to be. It's time to slow down, sweet friend. It is ok.

When you have done all that you can, please let it be enough. This means, when you have done all that you can while also getting enough sleep, exercise and time to recharge...this doesn't mean getting all that you can done with 2 hours of sleep, a meal at a drive-through and running as fast as you can everywhere you go....feeling miserable, strung out and cranky.

Life is as crazy and harried as we allow it to be. When we want to make things special for those we love, we need to remember that what they want most is US. They want time with us. They want us to feel good and to be in a good mood and to be present. They want happy memories that include us. Sometimes this means that we must simplify so that we do not fall apart. Some times this means we need to let go of our idea of perfection and just show up AS IS.

So, please sit down with yourself and be realistic. What is necessary and what is not? What is making you crazy and could be let go of? What do you want MOST to give? Prioritize and let some things go...it is ok. YOU matter. YOU are the best gift you can give. YOUR time, your heart, your words, your presence....THAT is the greatest gift.

You are so loved.
xoxo

Monday, June 17, 2013

Feeling off

I know I haven't been posting many personal stuff lately.  Fact is, there isn't much to say.  Lately, I have just felt "off."  I have no clue how to describe it any more. 

I don't feel right but I don't feel wrong.

I don't feel bad but I don't feel good.

I'm not happy but I'm also not sad.

What is super weird is that I'm also not blah - you know, just feeling nothing or like I'm floating. 

In all honesty, I could deal with this feeling for the remainder of my life.  But I have to remain hopeful that there is something more out there.  I must believe that I can be "better" than I am currently. 

It's been six and a half weeks since I've been off the Wellbutrin.  I do credit NOT being on it for the improvement in overall mood.  I need to call the doctor this week to report how things are going and ask that he submit refills on my Zoloft.  Hopefully he won't require me to come in but I don't know for sure.  Definitely will post about that. 

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Silence the gremlin

Such perfect advice.  I need to be quiet and listen. But, mostly importantly, I need to ignore the gremlins.

My dear Shanda, 

Hello my sweet! 

I’m here today to remind you gently that to get healthy inside and out, you must, must, MUST learn to listen to my voice. 

You can eat all the healthy food you want. 

You can exercise your patooty off. 

You can swallow handfuls of vitamins. 

But unless you can silence the Gremlin enough to hear my voice of truth, you’ll never achieve the optimal health I know is possible for you. 

Try listening to me now. Ask me what is true for you about: 

· Your health
· Your intimate relationships
· Your professional life
· Your spiritual life
· Your creative life
· Your sex life
· Your financial picture
· The environment in which you live
· Your mental health? 


Now get quiet. Listen up. 

I have something important to tell you… 

Always on target, 
Your Inner Pilot Light

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Blossoming girl


Dear Blossoming Girl,

Yes yes yes, it is frustrating to go backwards, or what feels like backwards. Yes, it is annoying and downright exhausting to find that in spite of our best efforts and plans, things are spinning, whirling, and making a wild ride out of our life.

Sometimes there just isn’t a better way to get to get to where we are going, than to go THROUGH a wild patch of dizzy making ups and downs. Sometimes we want to go around it, but often we really must go THROUGH it.

We learn really good things when we are stretched, pulled, whirled and twirled. We learn things about LIFE, but mostly we learn things about ourselves. We learn that we are pretty darned tough, pretty darned awesome and pretty darned smart.

And when we know that stuff, we know we can do anything.

And then we don’t have to be afraid. We can just live, and do good things and be happy and pull others up when they are down. And then, we realize it was all worth it.

It will be worth it.
You are so very very very loved.
xoxo


Brave Girls Club

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I hate the word good-bye

Li and her husband are almost completely moved.  Li is pretty much settled into the new house while her hubby and son are finishing up with cleaning and repairs.

I feel a bit lost.

We text almost daily and connect via email, Facebook, Google + very often.  Neither of us are phone people so that's only used when necessary.  We have a planned Skype date.  So it's not like I'm alone or anything but I just miss the crap out of her.

It's hard to explain how I feel about her and even more difficult to describe our relationship so I'm not going to try at this time.  She is one of the best friends I've ever had.  I know that we will never NOT be friends.

Missing her and thinking about the fact that she no longer lives close to me, makes me sad.  Those feelings are not pushing my depression further into the bad space, but they do grin their little smug faces at me when I'm already having a rough day.

With time, the pain will lessen.  This will be especially true if we do stay in contact the way we are planning.  Like many parts of my life, it is a wait-and-see thing.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Happy days ahead

Could it be true?  Could I have finally turned the corner and stabilized at a point that we can establish a new baseline to work from?  Maybe.  I've learned to not get my hopes up but I cannot help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, I would be okay with getting excited with the latest developments.