Transform anxiety

As of right now, I have a pretty good handle on my anxiety.  I'm very aware of situations that tend to cause me to feel anxiety and even those that can result in a panic attack.  Because of this awareness, I can be proactive and mostly avoid the panic attacks.  It's a wonderful thing for me. 

I am always looking for other methods to keeping my anxiety at bay.  In this article at Tiny Buddha, I found three tips to help in the moment.  I haven't had the opportunity - YAY - to but them to the test, but wanted to post them anyway.

If you find yourself fraught with anxiety, feeling fearful about the future, you will attract your worst fears. When anxiety tries to bring us down, there are 3 things we can do:

1. Take a moment and see what feelings underlie your fears.

Then see if you can figure out how you’d rather feel and choose to feel that feeling instead. If you are having a hard time lifting your mood, get busy doing something you enjoy that will raise your positive vibration.

It’s easy to raise our vibration. Engaging in our hobbies is a great way to bump our vibes up a few notches, and it can be anything really—playing sports, cooking, baking, gardening, playing music, cleaning, exercising, meditating, practicing yoga, singing, dancing, crafting, building, organizing, or snuggling with your pet.

When we keep ourselves elevated, it’s really hard for anxiety to find us, helping to keep negative experiences at bay.

2. Instead of gripping at fear and worrying about whether or not something will work out, just know that it will.

This is what it means to have faith. Just know that no matter what the outcome, you will be okay, and if it is in your highest interest to have what you want, you will have it.

3. And last, ask the universe for what you want and then let go of the outcome.

Instead of focusing on what you want, focus on how you can be of service. When we are serving others, we are tapping into more of that feel-good energy, which will bring us more feel-good experiences.

Show up each day ready to serve the world, your family, your environment, and yourself. Focus on how you can add value to the lives of others. Good experiences will come to you.

Once we realize the root of anxiety, it is easier for us to transform it into positivity. I wish you all a blissful day!

Fake smile

Non-update update

I've passed the three week mark since my latest med change.  Nothing to report.  No noticeable change.  No random observations from family or friends.  But, I felt the need to at least chime in with the current results.  I guess nothing is better than getting worse.  However, nothing is not the way I want to go.  I want to get better. 

Let the worries go

Often, I share the words from the Brave Girls Club.  They take such a fresh and inspirational look on common fears and insecurities.  I always feel a bit better after reading my email from them.  

Dear Phenomenal Girl,

It is normal to feel worried about the future, but with that in mind, please remember that while it is normal for those thoughts to cross your mind, there is absolutely nothing good that can come from dwelling on your negative or scary worries about the future.

Do what you can do today, and then let it be done. When you wake up in the morning, greet the day with a smile and decide to do all that you can do in that day, and let that be enough. Because, you know what? You can’t do anything more than ALL you can do, and to worry about anything beyond that will only bring you misery and frustration.

Remember that there was a time that you worried that you wouldn’t make it through the next day, and you always did -- you are here aren’t you? Wouldn’t it be oh-so-much more wonderful to live each day to it’s fullest, doing your very best, and then let it go? Everything will work out in the way it should -- and all we can do is all we can do, and we CAN do it with a smile, with a spring in our step, and with hope in the future if we choose to do so.

Let the worries go. It is gonna work out, beautiful friend.

xoxo

Snoopy love

It's not selfish

My dear Shanda,

Don’t you understand that loving yourself is not selfish or narcissistic, that in order to love others, you have to start by wholly loving and accepting yourself, complete with all your adorable warts?

That means you have to love your imperfections. You have to love your ego. You have to love the wounded inner child in you that acts out sometimes. You have to love the scared Gremlin that tries in vain to protect you.

And of course, you have to love me.

But that’s the easy part, isn’t it? Because I’m SO easy to love!

So are you, precious

Your Inner Pilot Light

Seven depression fighting tips

This list was compiled by the author of the blog Anxiety Adventures.  Each item on the list is something that makes total sense but we often forget or neglect them when we are deep in our depression. 

1. Open the Windows

2. Clean Your Living Space

3. Clean Yourself

4. Change your clothes

5. Turn on Lights

6. Prepare Food and Eat it

7. Sit/Lay Somewhere Different 

These are basic, simple things.  You can usually manage to do at least one of the things on the list.  Being able to do any one little thing can help when you are dealing with depression.  It switches up your brain pattern and gives you a sense of pride. 

Healing

Die

Today is one of those days that I want to die. Now before you get all freaked out and worried and do something like phone the cops or my husband or me, stop. I have no intentions of killing myself. In fact, the only way I'm going to die today is if it is my turn in the natural order of things. 

(FYI: I'm blogging from my phone so please excuse any errors. I will proof it later and make word and grammar corrections.)

There is a huge difference between wanting to die and actually making plans to die by actions of your own design. 

Maybe I should explain why I wish to die. 

I want to die because I'm feeling frustrated with the lack of progress I'm making in many areas of my life. The biggest area is that of my "mental health". It is something I don't have total control over so it becomes even more frustrating and aggravating. I'm also losing patience with the process. 

Am I doing everything within my power to "get better"?  Probably not. I am trying to maintain a healthier lifestyle by ensuring I get adequate amounts of sleep, eating in a healthier and smarter manner, talking and blogging through my issues, and sucking up as much joy as possible. I am taking my medication daily at approximately the same time and taking small steps to becoming more physically active. I've also been eliminating as many stressful or potentially stressful situations as possible and negative people have been given the boot. 

But still...stagnation. 

I want to die because I'm feeling hopeless. So much of my life is affected by my depression and anxiety. I don't work outside of the home and wouldn't call what I do in the home work because I do not have a steady income or much of an income. This makes my husband the sole provider for our family. I have missed out on seeing friends and family because I couldn't handle the situation. I've missed programs and conferences and ceremonies for my kids. There are opportunities that have passed me by because I didn't have it in me to snag them. 

I want to die because it is an easy way out and will put an end to these feelings and frustrations. 

I want to die so I can stop being a burden on my family and on those who care for me. 

I want to die so people don't have to deal with me and my issues anymore. 

I want to die so my soul can finally find some peace before starting over, hopefully this time without the damn mental illness problems. 

I could go on and on and on with reasons for me wanting to die. I know many of them are not rationale and even more are simply untrue. But...even though I want to die, there is one huge reason why I don't want to die. A huge reason why I don't take any actions to end my own life. 

That reason is me. 

I don't want to give up and let my illness win. I don't want to stop sharing my struggles through this blog because there is a chance I can make a difference for someone out there. I don't want to leave my family and friends and pets and loved ones and acquaintances behind to pick up the pieces and forever wonder why and potentially feel lacking that they hadn't been able to stop me. I don't want to be defined by my illness. 

There is still a lot of fight in me even though on most days I struggle to find even the tiniest morsel of it. 

There is still a light in my eyes even if it is dim and difficult to see. 

There is still so much I want to experience and see even though it might have to be in short spurts or seen through a slight mist of Ativan-induced serenity. 

So, while today is a day that I want to die, I hope that I won't because I'm not done yet. 

Best and worst things to say

I found this list a few days ago.  I've read through most of it.  I have mixed thoughts about the list, feeling some are absolutely dead on while many others are so far off that I cringed.  For the most part, the best things to say list was accurate.  The intro to the best things to say section nailed it for me:

It is most tempting, when you find out someone is depressed, to attempt to immediately fix the problem. However, until the depressed person has given you permission to be their therapist (as a friend or professional), the following responses are more likely to help the depressed.

The things that didn't make me feel worse are words which 1) acknowledge my depression for what it is (Not 'it's just a phase') 2) give me permission to feel depressed (Not 'but why should you be sad?')

The worst section was prefaced with this:

Some people trivialize depression (often unintentionally) by dropping a platitude on a depressed person as if that is the one thing they needed to hear. While some of these thoughts have been helpful to some people (for example, some find that praying is very helpful), the context in which they are often said mitigates any intended benefit to the hearer. Platitudes don't cure depression.

If you share you life with someone with depression, read through the lists.  Maybe you've said some of the worst things to say and maybe you haven't.  It doesn't matter now.  Going forward, be mindful of your thinking and your words. 

If you don't know anyone with depression, you probably will at some point in your life.  The list is good for everyone to read so give it a shot.

Week 2

I've been Wellbutrin free for 2 weeks.  I'm still not feeling much of a difference one way or the other so I'm really not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing...or maybe a nothing.  As I'm mentioned, I have no clue how long it will take for the Wellbutrin to be completely out of my system so I don't exactly have a timeline to base my responses, or lack thereof, to the change.  I shall just keep trucking and tracking and go from there.

This past weekend, my hubby and I had planned to make a quick trip to Omaha to pick up some furniture from my dad and stop by to visit with my mom.  We ended up not going at all.  My husband hadn't been feeling all that well and after a crazy long shift at work on Saturday, he was wiped out.  I also wasn't feeling all that great (allergies or a cold like my husband had) plus my anxiety issues were flaring up.  I hate that we didn't go but it was best for us to stay home and rest so we could both feel better. 

My sleep schedule has been all sorts of wonky.  Since I've not been feeling so great, I've been sleeping a little more than normal.  I've also been dealing with many sleepless nights which result in sleeping too much during the day.  It's a vicious cycle that is difficult to end.  I did get to sleep around midnight last night and was up just before 5:00 am.  I didn't get enough sleep or the sleep I need to be doing well, but I'm going to attempt to stay up all day with the hopes of resetting my schedule.  The hope is that I'll be able to go to bed tonight at a normal time and wake the following day at a normal time. 

In one week, Li will be moving to another state.  I'm going to miss her so incredibly much and am dreading the day.  She is one of my best friends and we have this weird bond that I have never felt with other friends.  I really don't know how to describe it in a way that would make sense and be accurate.  I know we will still be in contact and have even planned a get together, but I'm going to miss knowing that I cannot see her at the drop of a hat.  I'm going to miss her hugs the most.

All of the above are contributing to my overall feeling of blah.  I'm feeling a bit anxious and a bit weepy.  I'm a little impatient, rather moody, and just...nothing.  I don't like feeling this way but it is much better than the highly negative way I could be experiencing at the moment. 

Status lies

Still in there

I do love my daily emails from the Brave Girls Club.  

Dear Brave Girl,

You are still in there, every single bit of you. You might feel like you don't know who you are anymore, that your identity has been lost, that you are living a life that you can't even recognize or that your hopes and dreams have been sucked away but some crazy whirlwind, whether it happened quickly or very very slowly.

Your soul is in there. Your heart is in there. Your hopes and dreams and good memories and that happy, fun, adventurous YOU is in there . . .it is!

You just gotta get unstuck, and you can. You really can. The first thing you must do is put faith in that hope that you are still in there. Then listen to that hope. Talk to it. Ask it where it has been and what it needs to come back out. Then keep listening and take action.

It's not too late. It's never, ever too late, and right now seems like the EXACT right time to begin the process of restoring your authentic self back to her true form. You can do it. Don't let the world miss out on you anymore, gorgeous girl. We need you. YOU need you!

You can do it. You are so loved.

xoxo

This Depression

three nine

I turned 39 yesterday.  I don't feel any different except for the thought that 40 is no longer years away.  It is now months, weeks, and days away.  Part of my has this dread about 40.  The other part of me, it doesn't care in the least.  I'm not the type of person to fib about my age.  I figure I have earned each and every year of my life so why not acknowledge that. 

Not really noticing any difference since I've been off the Wellbutrin.  Today will be day number nine without it.  I don't know how long it will stay in my system once I stop ingesting it.  Maybe I should look that up.  I figure it is anywhere between two and twelve weeks.  My rationale is that it takes at least two weeks to feel any effects of the medicine in your body and that it should be fully integrated into your system by twelve weeks.  Seems the same would also go for getting it out of your system. 

Had a very intense weekend.  I went through a 2-day training and it wore me out - mentally, emotionally, and physically.  There was a bit of a ginormous kick in the gut Saturday night where my inner-self and all that I hold dear and feel is a part of my core being was exposed, brought into question, and demolished.  It wasn't literally demolished and I still retain all those things but I need to do some more processing to get to the heart of the revelation. 

The basic gist of said revelation is that to embrace the Shanda I am meant to become, I must rid myself of all my attachments.  These attachments are my life.  The attachments include my husband, my step kids, my parents, my siblings, my pets, my friends.  Let's not forget my home and all that I value and hold dear. 

Say what?!?!

I'm not to have anything - physical, emotional, spiritual, moral, ethical, etc. - holding me back.  Nothing.

Hello?!?!

My connections to these things are so important to me.  While they don't necessarily define me, they do make up a great deal of my core being.  My spirit and soul are linked to the connections and attachments I form in my life.  I hold them as sacred and place enormous value on them.

A huge scary realization that came along with this revelation is about suicide/death.  I believe that I've talked about this in the past.  If not, please do not freak out.  I am NOT suicidal.  I have NO PLANS to end my own life or do harm to myself.  Anyway, there are moments that I wish I would just die.  This is because everything in my head is just becoming too much.  I don't feel like I can handle it and make it through another moment.  I want the depression to end.  The only way to truly end my depression is for my life to end.  This is why I sometimes want to die.

However, I would never kill myself.  I wouldn't do that to my friends, my family, and my loved ones.  Suicide is selfish and I couldn't take that route.  I know I won't ever end my own life because I don't want to hurt those people I would leave behind.

Those people I have connections with and attachments to.

(See where I'm going with this?)

So, if I have no more connections and no more attachments, does that mean I would be willing to end my own life? Honestly, I do not know.  I really, really want to say that I wouldn't but I cannot know until I have been in that situation.  And since I don't see myself giving up those attachments and connections, you can rest assured that I will still be here in the morning...and the next day...and the next year...and for however long I'm meant to live this life. 

As I said, I'm still processing this information.  Some bits I've started to see as methods to detach from my connections make sense.  I don't need to officially rid myself of all those attachments but I do need to be able to adopt a mindset of detachment for certain aspects of my life.  This detachment may include a symbolic death of the old me so I can become what I'm meant to be.  Seems much more acceptable and possible to achieve. 

Gremlins

Dear Shanda,

Did you know that when you're brave enough to turn away from the Gremlin and listen to me instead, you calm down the scaredy-cat amygdala in your brain, and your nervous system relaxes. The Nervous Nelly chronic "fight-or-flight" stress responses in your body turn off, and the relaxation response flips blessedly on.

And here's the kicker. The body knows how to heal itself. Your body is artfully and divinely equipped with natural self-repair mechanisms that repair broken proteins, fight cancer cells, prevent aging, and resist infection. But when the Gremlin is in charge and your nervous system is stressed, these self-repair mechanisms are disabled.

Only when you listen to me can your body's self-repair mechanisms activate.

So listen up, darling. I'm not just good for your soul. I'm medicine for your body.

Doctor's bag in hand,
Your Inner Pilot Light, MD 

Thank you Lissa Rankin and The Inner Pilot Light.

You got this

Waiting

I am patient about a great number of things.  I'm pretty patient with other people and can generally don't lose my patience.  Except with myself.  And with my medication.  So this hit home with me.  It's from the Brave Girls Club.

Dear Courageous Girl,
When you have done all that you can do, sometimes you are left in a place where you just have to wait. Waiting is painful, waiting is hard. It's perhaps one of the hardest skills we will ever have to develop in our lifetimes.

What if your waiting is ACTIVE? What if, instead of stopping everything to wait, you were to take an active approach and do what you CAN do (even if it has nothing to do with what you're waiting for) trying not to think about the things you cannot do yet.

Active waiting shortens the waiting time, fills your heart with joy instead of angst, and helps you to make progress. Then, if things do not turn out exactly as you'd expected or hoped, your life is full of other wonderful things that you developed during your waiting time.

Life is absolutely meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. Please take some time to actively seek and hold onto joyful experiences while you are waiting.

There is a plan for you. Hold on tight! Enjoy the journey, and smell the flowers while you are stopped.

You are such an inspiration to those around you. Show all of them how to actively wait, too.

You are so loved. Have a wonderful day!
xoxo

Even mistakes mean you are trying

Get back up after you fall

Good advice, as usual, from Tiny Buddha.  Much is very familiar to me and I do my best to employ these techniques but a reminder is always good.

Getting Back up After You Fall:  Healing From Depression by Elena Sabourova

“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” ~Theodore Rubin

Growing up I was a thoughtful and happy kid—carefree, easy going, not afraid to make mistakes and take on challenges.

Just before I turned 13, my parents moved our family halfway across the world where we knew no one.

I adjusted well, made friends, and felt content and successful in my pursuit of whatever I decided was worth pursuing. I was strong and confident. I worked hard, laughed easily and often, and felt as if I had the good life all figured out.

Then shortly after I turned 25 a severe depressive episode hit me like a ton of bricks. Looking back, I can see how it came about, how several traumatic events stacked upon themselves until I finally collapsed under their weight, but at the time I felt annihilated, ploughed over, and destroyed virtually overnight.

I spent the next nine months steeped in profound physical, emotional, and mental anguish.

The shame was the worst part.

Despite years of evidence to the contrary, when I couldn’t get myself off the couch for months, when I couldn’t enjoy any activity, and when I couldn’t smile genuinely at anyone or anything, I truly thought that this was my actual self, my real personality—that I was boring, unmotivated, useless, a loser, an anomaly; that I was weak, and that all of this was my fault.

Essentially, depression lies to you—about everything. And when you are used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realize that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality.

It’s hard not to trust your thoughts and it’s hard to sit and mull over what is true and what isn’t, but it’s an important exercise, even you only do it in small doses at first.

There is a light in you that never goes out.

Even through the worst of it, there was a tiny sliver of me that knew that something was wrong, that I needed to deal with this, that this was unhealthy and that this wasn’t me.

And that minuscule grain of clarity is what kept me up researching what I was going through, hatching plans, seeking advice, and gaining traction. I had to nourish that voice bit by bit, and I went days without hearing it, but it was always there.

Controlling my environment was essential to making progress. Below are the five most prominent lessons I have learned thus far:

1. Accept what is happening.

Acceptance is not surrender; it is simply the opposite of refusal. It is true that admitting you have a problem is the first step in making a change. The energy you expend violently opposing the possibility that you are depressed is energy better spent seeking a solution to that possibility.

Acceptance is difficult, especially in a world where depression is still a dirty word. But it is crucial.

2. Disengage from those who make you feel worse.

While no one can fix your struggle for you, those that can’t be helpful are likely to be hurtful. When I was in the thick of my rock bottom, I was in a relationship with a person who could not and would not understand me. When that relationship ended, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders—the weight of his anxiety, the weight of his expectations and anticipation.

The break up was painful, but the benefit of having him out of my life could not be denied. I felt lighter; I felt like I could take things at my own pace without someone hovering around, waiting for me to return to my absolutely most awesome self. And having the space to do things on my own timeline has made doing them so much easier.

3. Talk to your people.

For most of my life I took pride in doing things myself, and while I never had a problem offering help, I had trouble asking for it.

When I finally mustered up the courage to start talking about what I was going though, I couldn’t stop. And I was surprised at the reception all that talking got.

My friends and family didn’t tell me to shut up and get over it; they didn’t scold me for burdening them with my problems. They listened patiently, encouraged me to get it all out, and a brave few even shared similar struggles with me.

It was so freeing, so loving. And it made it easier to see that my experience was just another life challenge, not some deeply-seated, irreversible character flaw. I cannot emphasize enough the value of having blisteringly honest conversations with those you trust. They are medicine for the soul.

4. Know when to get professional help and don’t be afraid to do it.

My attitude toward therapy used to be “That’s nice, but it’s not for me.”

It took awhile to realize that this was nothing but fear of the unknown steeped in judgment—judgment that therapy was for the weak, and that being weak was unacceptable; fear of what was out there, what was possible.

Long before I dipped my toes into the professional counselling pool myself, I came to see that speaking to someone about your darkest troubles is courage exemplified.

Many people never get to that point of cognition and spend years going around in the vortex of their own mind, trying to figure out what’s “wrong” with them. Sometimes it takes a professional to bust through that wall—so what?

We don’t think twice of seeing a family doctor for a sore throat or a physiotherapist for an aching ankle. Don’t spend too much time agonizing about the fact that you might need to see a therapist. Just do it, trust me.

5. Treat your body well.

I hated this piece of advice when I came across it on a daily basis in my quest to dig myself out of my mental hellhole. But the reason it’s out there so much is because it’s a fundamental must.

A malnourished body cannot power your mind well. Will running cure your depression? Doubtful. But exercising and eating well is like proper car maintenance. You can get away with not doing it for a while, but soon enough the consequences of prolonged neglect will catch up with you.

And you don’t have to turn into a gym rat overnight. In fact, I encourage you to take the smallest baby steps you can muster.

I went through many rounds of different workouts, different meal plans, different vitamins and I do not count any of that effort as time wasted. They were all building blocks, trials and errors to get me to a place where I can feed myself well and exercise on a consistent enough schedule without much effort.

Time is not running out; take as much of it as you need to get yourself to this point. It’s a process.

Lastly, as impossible as it may seem, know that such turbulence in life does eventually lead to a greater appreciation and understanding of things. Money couldn’t buy the emotional depth I’ve gained over the last year, and if I had the option of wiping all I went through from my memory, I wouldn’t.

I know what it’s like to be in the thick of things. I know it’s almost indescribable. It’s abstract and painful and heavy, and every other adjective in existence. But you must know that you will get through it. Chipping away, bit-by-bit, inching forward at a pace that’s fast enough for you, you’ll figure it out.

Keep looking up

This is how depression looks on me

This is me, a week or so ago.  And this is what depression looks like on me. 

Am I happy? 

Am I sad? 

Am I anxious or nervous or crying? 

No.

I'm also not putting on a mask. 

The expression on my face is exactly how I felt in the moment even though I was going through a tough time and having a massive spike in my depression.  Perhaps 20 minutes later, I would have been smiling, my eyes crinkled in joy.  Or I could have been sobbing into my pillow.

Depression isn't always depicted by tears or sorrow written all over my face.  I don't have to be curled into the fetal position, rocking myself for comfort to indicate I'm depressed.   I can be smiling and laughing and seemingly enjoying the moment and still have the dark clouds swarming through my mind. 

What I'm trying to point out is that you cannot tell by looking at me, at any given moment, if I am struggling.  My facial expressions and body posture can clue you in to what is going on within my mind but neither are definite correlations to what is going on in there.  Crying doesn't automatically equal depression, just as laughter doesn't always equal happiness.  Just because I'm sleeping more than normal is not a warning that I'm about to crash. 

If you want to know how I'm doing, ask me. 

P.S. The same goes when I'm having a panic attack or in a panic mode.  You cannot tell by looking at me.  Changes in my body language, mood, expressions mean very little to indicate what may or may not be going on inside my mind.  

One less chemical

As of today, at least for now, I am no longer taking Wellbutrin.  As I've said before, I am very hopeful that everything will be improving.  I know nothing is guaranteed but I'm doing my best to maintain a positive outlook.

My husband believes he's seeing an improvement in my lately just with the decreased amount of Wellbutrin.  In this post, I briefly hit upon the craziness I elected to take on last week.  I didn't add the additional insanity that encompassed the weekend - 2 huge rituals.  I survived and didn't totally lose it once.  I didn't break down and I didn't flip into bitch mode.  I did require some extra recoup time in the form of sleep and solitude, but nothing more than usual.  Hubby pointed out that he didn't think I could have handled the five days of crazy as little as a week ago and I have to agree.  So either the decrease in Wellbutrin or just adjustments in life are making a difference.  Woot!

So, another day and one more moment to get life to where I want to be...where I know I can be.