Die

Today is one of those days that I want to die. Now before you get all freaked out and worried and do something like phone the cops or my husband or me, stop. I have no intentions of killing myself. In fact, the only way I'm going to die today is if it is my turn in the natural order of things. 

(FYI: I'm blogging from my phone so please excuse any errors. I will proof it later and make word and grammar corrections.)

There is a huge difference between wanting to die and actually making plans to die by actions of your own design. 

Maybe I should explain why I wish to die. 

I want to die because I'm feeling frustrated with the lack of progress I'm making in many areas of my life. The biggest area is that of my "mental health". It is something I don't have total control over so it becomes even more frustrating and aggravating. I'm also losing patience with the process. 

Am I doing everything within my power to "get better"?  Probably not. I am trying to maintain a healthier lifestyle by ensuring I get adequate amounts of sleep, eating in a healthier and smarter manner, talking and blogging through my issues, and sucking up as much joy as possible. I am taking my medication daily at approximately the same time and taking small steps to becoming more physically active. I've also been eliminating as many stressful or potentially stressful situations as possible and negative people have been given the boot. 

But still...stagnation. 

I want to die because I'm feeling hopeless. So much of my life is affected by my depression and anxiety. I don't work outside of the home and wouldn't call what I do in the home work because I do not have a steady income or much of an income. This makes my husband the sole provider for our family. I have missed out on seeing friends and family because I couldn't handle the situation. I've missed programs and conferences and ceremonies for my kids. There are opportunities that have passed me by because I didn't have it in me to snag them. 

I want to die because it is an easy way out and will put an end to these feelings and frustrations. 

I want to die so I can stop being a burden on my family and on those who care for me. 

I want to die so people don't have to deal with me and my issues anymore. 

I want to die so my soul can finally find some peace before starting over, hopefully this time without the damn mental illness problems. 

I could go on and on and on with reasons for me wanting to die. I know many of them are not rationale and even more are simply untrue. But...even though I want to die, there is one huge reason why I don't want to die. A huge reason why I don't take any actions to end my own life. 

That reason is me. 

I don't want to give up and let my illness win. I don't want to stop sharing my struggles through this blog because there is a chance I can make a difference for someone out there. I don't want to leave my family and friends and pets and loved ones and acquaintances behind to pick up the pieces and forever wonder why and potentially feel lacking that they hadn't been able to stop me. I don't want to be defined by my illness. 

There is still a lot of fight in me even though on most days I struggle to find even the tiniest morsel of it. 

There is still a light in my eyes even if it is dim and difficult to see. 

There is still so much I want to experience and see even though it might have to be in short spurts or seen through a slight mist of Ativan-induced serenity. 

So, while today is a day that I want to die, I hope that I won't because I'm not done yet.