Anxiety - how to keep it at bay

Great post from Zen Mama.

“This, too, shall pass.”

“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.”
~Thich Nhat Hanh

Anxiety. We all have it. Some more than others. Usually, I’m able to keep anxiety at bay. It’s a horrible feeling, more than just butterflies in your stomach; more like a rock in your stomach. Fear and anxiety can keep us from action. Immobilize you. You want to hide away. It’s hard to feel relaxed. Anxiety wakes me up at night.

It was anxiety that first started Zen Mama. Mainly, the fear that my son wouldn’t graduate from high school and go on to college inspired me to become a Zen Mama and write about it in my first book, How To Be A Zen Mama. My worry hurt our relationship. I taught myself that if I could let go of worry, I could actually be closer to my kids.

And now, this week that same son found out he is graduating from college on time. He’s passed two Clep tests, the last hurdle he needed to graduate next month on time.

But don’t think that I never feel worry any more. I’ve just gotten better at handling the worry. In fact, anxiety reared it’s ugly head these last two weeks. I was unprepared for it and it sucked me in, keeping me up at night. It was waiting for the results of our oldest’s tests but also our recent home sale. We put our house up for sale and it sold in 2 days. Which is really great! But waiting for the deadlines to pass was nerve racking. And then the unknown… where will we be living in a month?

I remember my first anxious parenting moment before our oldest was even born. Our first ultra sound didn’t show a cerebellum in the baby. They would check again at the next appointment the following week. That was such a tough week waiting! I kept telling myself that if the doctors were really concerned they’d have me in the next day. (And of course he does have a cerebellum!) While raising kids there were always things to be anxious about. Looking back, most of those worries didn’t really matter.

It’s human nature to cling to the fear. So, I have to pull out my little bag of tricks to help keep that anxiety at bay. What’s in my bag of tricks?

1. I’ve learned you can’t make fear go away completely. You have to face your anxiety with calm. Deep breaths help.

2. I ask myself, “What’s the worst thing that can happen if this come to pass?” And I remind myself that 9 times out of 10 what I fear never comes to pass. And if that one thing does come to pass, then move forward with courage.

3. Once I acknowledge the fear, I can begin to let go of expectations.

4. I say this quote to myself, “if you can solve your problem what’s the use of worrying? If you can’t solve your problem then what’s the use of worrying?”

5. I try to think positively rather than negatively.

6. I exercise, take a walk, be in nature. Time stands still in nature. And I remind myself that nature takes what’s given and still remains beautiful.

7. I remind myself that things seem worse at night. Often I feel better in the morning, even when I have trouble sleeping at night.

8. Try manifesting the positive through I AM statements. Saying I AM is a powerful affirmation that makes things happen!

9. Lastly I have a good friend to remind me of all these things! I’m very lucky to have the Zen Papa!

Anxiety is not something that will ever go away. But our reaction can change the way we feel it. And that’s what being a Zen Mama or Papa is all about, changing our reaction to life’s worries and negative situations. Every moment is a chance to let go and feel relief.

“Rule number one is, don’t sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it’s all small stuff.”
~ Robert Eliot

Things that make you go hmm...

I haven't been doing much personal blogging lately.  I've been sharing photos/graphics and ideas from other sites.  It's been safer for me to do so.  It's not that I don't want to be vulnerable and share my thoughts and feelings, it's that I have been unable to figure them out enough to express them in a manner that makes even a small bit of sense. 

The whole process and intent of this blog is for me to have a vehicle to figure out my thoughts, fears, and feelings as I go through my life with depression.  I want to help myself by working through the issues and if I can offer some insight to myself and potentially others, all the better.  By sharing my successes and struggles, I feel that I am making progress.

Yesterday was the 3 week mark of being on the increased dosage of Zoloft.  I feel like it is making a little bit of difference but it still isn't enough.  I'm not where I want to be.  I really think I could feel better and be happier.  I'm doing what I can to help me reach that potential but it isn't enough.  I don't like relying on medication to help me but am very much so aware that I don't have the luxury to be drug-free.  I'm okay with that...mostly.  My health and my sanity are a priority and if keeping myself sane and functioning means filling my body with chemicals, so be it. 

Because of how I'm feeling (or not feeling), I need to call the doctor.  But, I'm afraid.  I don't know what the next step will be.  Part of me says to give it another week.  It makes sense to be really sure that the dosage is fully integrated into my system.  Talked myself into it so I will be waiting another week.  See, my blog is good for me to work through some issues. 

I really, really do believe that this isn't how it's going to be.  I have to believe that because if it isn't true, then there is no point in taking these meds or working through the problems.  So I believe, even when it is difficult to do so on most days.  Part of getting better does mean I need to write more and, in turn, blog more.  The entries might not make sense and may ramble on in a stream-of-conscious manner, but they do help. 

So, with a deep breath, I take the next six days as they come and commit to speaking with my doctor next week. 

Healing

Just what I needed today.  Much thanks, as always, going out to the Brave Girls Club.

Dear Healing Girl,

There may be days where it feels like nothing really good is happening inside of your heart, soul and mind, even though you are trying with all of your might. You may have tried so many books, so many programs, so many ideas to heal from what is hurting you most...and it may even seem like you may have gone backwards.

Healing is strange in this way, dear girl. Healing happens in thin little layers that wisp away on soft breezes and if each layer were measured...seem as though they are as thick and weighty as nothing. How can a wispy little layer make a single bit of difference?

Over time, day by day....wispy little layers add up. It seems as though shame and lies and outdated pain are shaved off little by little by little.

Just like a block of marble is made into a masterpiece by chiseling away tiny fragments of rock that turn to dust........over time, the masterpiece is revealed...layer by tiny fragmented layer.

It is worth it to stick with it, beautiful friend. Let the miraculous masterpiece be unearthed. Trust that tiny, wispy little layers are enough.....one of these days...you will wake up and the pain will be gone....and you will look in the mirror and see yourself....all unearthed, sparkling in your YOUness.....

It will be worth it.
You are so very loved.
xoxo

Leap of faith

Li shared a video with me that lead me to discovering the awesomeness that is Lissa Rankin.  One bit of love that she offers to her readers is called "The Daily Flame."  It's a bit of loveliness that sometimes makes me smile, sometimes makes me cry, and always makes me think.  It arrives in my inbox Monday-Friday.  Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways and really hits me hard with actual life struggles or questions.  This came the other day from my Inner Pilot Light.

Dearest Shanda,

You know that leap of faith you're considering making?

Yes. That one.

Let me give you a little hint to help you make it.

When the pain of staying put exceeds your fear of the unknown, you leap. When that time comes, you simply can't stay anymore. One day, you can. The next, it's impossible. It doesn't mean you won't be afraid, but the relative fear is no longer strong enough to support the inaction because the pain of inaction becomes intolerable.

So it's okay to be in a place of inaction if that's where you are right now. The fear of the unknown can be incredibly powerful but uncertainty is a spiritual lesson. On one side of uncertainty lies the anxiety that accompanies the fear of the unknown. But on the other side lies possibility, potential, the magical realization that when you don't know what will happen, ANYTHING can happen.

Magic lies just around the corner.

Trust that the uncertain future will be more glorious than you ever dreamed, that the Universe has great things in store for you, even when you have no proof that it will be so.

So, precious Shanda, be infinitely compassionate with yourself as you consider your decision. Whatever your decision, the day will come when you'll just know. As Anais Nin said, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Keep listening to me, and when the time is right to leap, I promise, you'll know.

Here with a parachute,

Your Inner Pilot Light

Sign up for your own bit of awesomeness from your Inner Pilot Light here.

Great perspective on asking for help

"Look, just because you ask somebody for help, it doesn't make you crazy. [It] Just means you're taking control." --the character Riley Parks on "The Client List"

Craptastic

I'm having a bad night. There is a lot of drama and miscommunication going on.

One friend is experiencing inner turmoil and is questioning a great deal. It's very uncharacteristic of her and I don't know how to assist her through the situation or even if she wants any help. Some harsh statements were made and I feel as though our relationship may have taken one of those turns where nothing you do or say gets you back to where your friendship once stood. The dynamics are forever changed. Only time will tell.

On a different front, one of my online Pagan groups seems to have shattered. It's an utter mess of confusing accusations and misunderstandings. Slowly it seems people in the group are taking sides. Another group has been started and some are defecting to it. Some members are in both groups. All the hurt going on is nearly unbearable.

Those two events combined with the gremlins in my own head have me teetering on the edge. I know I need to take care of myself first and foremost but it is especially difficult when people I care about are struggling. I'm a fixer and a people-pleaser to the core. I focus on other people and their issues. I listen and I help. It's who I am. Even when it is detrimental to my own well-being.

I might just need to step away from these two issues. The one with the online group is rather easy to accomplish. People will understand or they won't. Those that I'm close to within the groups will stick by me. The other concern is not something I can distance myself from because it deals with a person I interact with in my personal life and my Pagan life. She is one of my dearest friends. I will just tread carefully with her and see what comes next.

Not letting sadness win

The bravest thing

Diary of a panic attack

This is from Anxiety Adventures.  It's accurate but, in my experience, no two panic attacks have been exactly alike.  Many of my panic attacks have had one or several of the above feelings/sensations.  There are many more, none of which I can recall at this exact moment.  You don't have the composure to analyze the panic attack in the moment that it is happening.  And after?  Well, after you are so exhausted and thankful you survived.  Your body hurts.  More than anything, you don't wish to relive the moments that have just passed so you don't and do your best to move on.  That makes it incredibly difficult to describe a panic attack.

Your head begins to swim, just slightly. Perhaps the back of your head begins to tingle – small tingles, almost like there are hundreds of fingers gently poking the base of your head. Time passes as your swimming, tingly head begins to get hot.

Your thoughts start to spin faster. You have trouble deciphering your thoughts.

Your throat begins to collapse…it doesn’t close necessarily, but it gets more difficult to breathe, like the sensitive part beneath your adam’s apple is caving in.

Among your muddled thoughts, a few appear and they are saying

• You can’t breathe.
• This isn’t safe.
• You’re going to die.
• You need to get out of here.
• You’re having a panic attack.

Once you realize it’s a panic attack, your flight response takes over, your thoughts are replaced with panic and you can’t think at all. Your whole body begins to tremble and you aren’t sure whether it’s noticeable. No position seems comfortable or comforting but you are unsure what position your body is even in. You have no awareness of your body.

Your head is filled with loud warning bells, flashing lights, flashing images, all moving at 1,000 miles per hour. You’re light-headed and weak, you can’t possible move.

Are you breathing? You aren’t sure.

Surely hours have passed since this all began, right? I’ve been panicking for hours.

The only thing that’s clear is that you are going to die. You are definitely dying.
 




 And then it stops. All of your muscles are tense. Your mind is filled with sand. You can breathe, albeit shakily. You may find your body in a position you don’t remember it being in.

Then the shame and embarrassment creep. Why did I have a panic attack? I should be able to control this.

937 by Emily Dickinson

I felt a Cleaving in my Mind —
As if my Brain had split —
I tried to match it — Seam by Seam —
But could not make it fit.

The thought behind, I strove to join
Unto the thought before —
But Sequence ravelled out of Sound
Like Balls — upon a Floor.

Maintaining a healthy relationship while depressed

From the post "How to maintain a healthy relationship when you're depressed."

So how do you honor yourself when you’re depressed and give yourself the love and kindness you need without blowing up an otherwise loving relationship?   

1. Don’t believe everything your mind says. -- Your mind’s always telling you things that aren’t true, and this applies even more so when you’re depressed. The more you can differentiate between you and your mind, the easier this gets. See if you can step back and think, “Ah, look at what I’m thinking now.”

2. Don’t make assumptions. -- Watch out for assumptions your mind is making. Look at what you’re mad about. Did they actually say that, or are you drawing conclusions yourself?  Chances are you’re just seeing a reflection of your own thoughts. And anyway, if anything your mind is telling you is real, it’ll still be there when you’re not feelings so flat, by which time any conversation you do have will be infinitely easier and more productive.

3. Connect with your loved one over the bigger picture. -- Try sharing the bigger picture of how you’re feeling (“Honey I think I might be depressed”), rather than voicing your criticism of them. If there really is something bothering you, it’ll still be there when your depressed feelings have passed; and I promise you, it’ll be a whole lot easier to talk about it then!
 
4. Know that your mind is very convincing. -- Your mind may think it is absolutely imperative that you bring up the issue. And you know what? You might still decide to. It’s your call. If you do find yourself in a discussion that you later regret, don’t worry about it; it’s all okay. It might be helpful to show this article to your partner.
 
5. This time will pass. -- And even though you can’t feel it right now, you have all the calm and peaceful loving feelings inside of you.

While the entire post didn't gel with me, I did like the five tips it listed in closing (those above).  I know when I'm experiencing a depressive episode, much of the above information is pertinent.  I do overreact and assume.  I get bitchy and have virtually zero patience.  

It's not you...it's me

I have issues with this statement.  On one hand, I agree.  If it is important enough you can usually find a way.

However, as someone who has clinical depression, wicked anxiety problems and a smidgen of agoraphobia, I may love you more than anything else in this world but be unable to be there for you since I am too busy battling the demons in my head.  It doesn't mean that I don't care.  It just means I have to make myself the priority.  Please do not be upset or offended. 

Besides, if I'm dealing with any of those issues, I won't be very supportive or fun to be around.  I won't be able to focus on you or our time together.  I will not be good company.  It's likely I will be snappish, moody and bitchy. 

Sometimes just keeping myself sane and not tumbling into the abyss that is my own mind is literally all I can do.  It is the only thing I can do.  It is the only thing I have enough energy to try to handle. 

I don't like it and get downright pissed when it affects my life and the lives of my friends and family.  But it is not something I can control.  I cannot plan around it.  I cannot set it aside momentarily while I do something else.  It is all-consuming and exhausting.

Really, it's not you...it's me.

Managing social anxiety: tips and tricks

This post was from the blog Anxiety Adventures.  It was humorous and somewhat helpful.

The first section covers Goofy ideas.

Adopt Fake Personas - I once held a job that required a lot of human interactions: in person and on the phone. The job was within college admissions, so I had to interview students, speak to large groups, coordinate and schmooze during recruitment events, etc. In college, I was a tour guide (and I was magnificent.)  I became a different person. I accessed a version of myself that isn’t socially anxious:

• She’s goofy
• She tells self-deprecating jokes
• She asks a lot of questions

To varying degrees, I put forward this fake persona nearly every day. It’s how I function in daily society.

The Downside: It is exhausting!

Wear a Subtle Costume - For anxiety-producing events, wearing a subtle costume makes transitioning to the fake persona easier. Wear a tie. Put on a little makeup. Do something slightly out of your comfort zone.
For example, I would dress like the people I was recruiting during an admissions open house. Once, I wore a wildly patterned shirt, puffed out my hair, wore heels, wore a bunch of makeup, and put on nail polish (for the second time in my life). Think Jersey Shore. Since this costume wasn’t necessarily subtle, I told my coworkers about the game I was playing – I was being a Staten Island mom. The acting and showmanship made the anxiety less intense.

The Downside: Again, exhausting. But it also sets a precedent that you’ll be hilarious for future events.

Generate a Caffeine Buzz - This bit is easy for me since I avoid caffeine in my daily life – it makes me crazytown.  To combat the anxiety, I’ve downed a 5 Hour Energy before the event and let the craziness sizzle. Caffeine trumps anxiety; I feel so wired and jittery that it’s almost a dissociative experience.

The Downside: The caffeine crash almost instantly causes high anxiety and/or a depression lull.

Now on to the Serious Tactics.

Don’t Wear a Coat - This tip is the most important.  If you don’t wear a coat, you can dominate the Irish Goodbye (where you leave a party without saying goodbye to anyone.) For cold weather events, layer appropriately and bring a bag that will accommodate a hat, scarf and gloves (which you can put on once you hit the sidewalk).

The Downside: You might have to face questions like, “What happened you last night?” the next day.

Ask the Host Questions & Develop a Strategy - Before a gathering, I usually ask the following questions:

• Who will be there? What’s their deal?
• Who will I be expected to interact with?
• What is the environment like (e.g. loud, crowded, interactive, etc.)?
• What should I expect (dancing, games, small talk)?

There are other questions, but those are the first that come to mind. Think about what makes you most anxious and develop questions around those anxieties.

Once you get the answers, create a plan. “Bob will be there. Bob is a Mechanical Engineer for NASA. He and I can talk about whether Iran really sent a monkey to space.” “Sally collects taxidermied cats. We can talk about how she got into that hobby and whether she kills the cats herself.”

The Downside: Anything that happens outside of the plan causes tremendous anxiety.

Ask for a Job - This works best when the gathering is task-oriented (bridal showers, company parties, etc.) Ask the hosts whether you can help. Chances are they’ll say no, but that shouldn’t stop you! Look around: does food need to be replenished? Should you clean up empty cups or plates?

My favorite job is doing the dishes because you are deemed very helpful, it keeps you in one spot, and usually other people ignore you (other than saying, “Oh, you’re so good!”

The Downside: People catch on to this after a while.

Set a Time Limit - Say to yourself, “I’ll leave after an hour.” This way, regardless of your discomfort, you can count down the minutes until you leave.  An hour is usually what I set myself, but give yourself a time limit that’s ambitious but reasonable, otherwise you’re going to either

• feel guilty for cutting out too early
• flee early because you were too ambitious

If someone at the event knows about your anxiety, it helps to tell them this plan. “I’m going but I can only stay for an hour” is a reasonable thing to say.

Arriving a bit late helps because then you might not to be the first person to leave.

The Downside: Being the last to arrive and the first to leave is awkward.

Invitation

I'm sending out the link to more of the people I'm incredibly close to and trust.  As usual, I'm nervous about doing this but it is time.  I had planned to send out the first invites after my 50th post.  It didn't happen then but did happen around the 61st post in late November 2012 when I invited 6 people to view my blog. 

In December I invited one more.

I now have nearly 130 posts and am  sending out links to 9 people. 

I'm feeling good about the decision but a bit apprehensive. 

Taking a deep breath and pushing send...

Bad days

I've been having multiple bad days.  I'm still having more good days than bad, but I'm having many more bad days per week than I have since I started back on my meds.  It's something I will definitely report to the doctor when I call in next week. 

One of the worst things about these bad days are that there is no warning.  It's not as if there is a slow progressing where I feel a little bit worse each day.  It's a BAM!  And it can last for hours or all day or even a few days. 

Today is my third bad day in a row.

There is no reason, rationale or explanation.  It just is and it just happens.  Will it always be like this?  Perhaps.  Will it interfere with my life, especially that future life where I plan to work full-time?  Perhaps.  Does it scare me?  Definitely.

I worry that my depression will get me fired, if I can even get to the point of not having a full-blown panic attack while just looking for a job, much less actually applying, interviewing and starting work.  I worry that I will let down so many people, including myself, if I fail at handling what so many people view as life.  I am fully aware that worrying gets a person absolutely nowhere and that it is just wasting energy, but it's difficult to stop and not worry.  But that viewed life?  It is one that is productive, where the person has a job, can be relied on, earns money, enjoys time with friends and family.  Almost more than anything, I want to be that person.

When you want something so normal and natural to most people, it becomes an ache deep within your soul.  You have a void in your heart that you need to fill.  Desperately need to fill.  So you try.  And you try again.  Undoubtedly, you fail a time or twelve.  But you keep trying. This also involves pushing yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone. 

At some point, you either reach your goal or modify your plan and keep going by trying different approaches.  You have people giving your suggestions, uninvited or not.  They push you.  It is rare that they understand you, even more so rare if they are able to see deep down to the root of your struggles and pain, to the true you that is buried somewhere under all the pain and all the struggles, and understand.  This is the you who is battered and broken.  You are bruised and terrified and just really want to give up.  If you could have a do-over, you would and demand that you not have these problems, not have this illness, this disease. 

These moments...these realizations...don't help when you are already having a bad day where you mental illness is fighting against you.  When the two team up, it's nearly unbearable. 

I'm at that point.

And a fucking hate it.

I don't know what to do.

If I did know what to do, I'm not even sure I would know how.

Hmm...

I don't have much to write about.  The meds aren't really helping.  Well, they are helping but I'm not to the point that I both need and want to be in my battle with mental illness.  I need them to boost me some. 

Still rather apathetic about most of life.  I'm experiencing emotions freely so that is still a good thing.  I'm not sad.  I'm not happy.  I just am.  Floating.  Flat-lining but not in the sense of the heart stopping and death.  Just a monotone beep that doesn't change for the good or for the bad.  It's a rather sucky way to live life but I could deal with it.  It is, at least, better than the alternative: the life I was experiencing prior to September and first getting back on my meds. 

I am taking better care of myself spiritually.  I meditate, write "morning pages", pray, and observe nature.  I do this daily.  It gives me a sense of peace.  I don't know if it is having any effect on my mental issues but it is helping my overall mood and general sense of contentment.  I also started a new class (Ritualist training) recently and am continuing with my other class (Feri book circle/class). 

On Sundays, I look at the classified for a job.  I want to work and need to work.  But the process isn't going very well.  I haven't really found a job that I'm qualified for or interested in or able to do.  I've yet to apply.  At the same time, the search brings on anxiety and I've worked myself out of a number of panic attacks.  I'm unsure if this means I'm not ready or just afraid or something completely different and/or totally irrelevant.  But I'm trying.  That's at least something.

Am I still spiraling?  I don't know.  If I am, it is even slower than it was nearly a month ago. 

I will keep on the 200 mg of Zoloft until March 27.  That will be three weeks.  Because it is already in my system, the increase should be working by them.  If there is no change, I have no clue what will be next to come. 

Trust your gut

I tell myself this all the time.  But I don't seem to listen.  But when I "hear" it from the Brave Girls Club, I actually hear it a bit.  Maybe a lot.

Dear Insightful Girl,

You already know the answers to the questions that are eating away at you...you just have to trust yourself enough to really listen and be brave with your decisions.

You know oh-so-much-more than you give yourself credit for. You have a good heart and powerful intuition and you really do know the right way to go...that doesn't mean it's always the easiest way to go...but the easiest path never was the most fruitful path....and you are one of the courageous souls who seeks the best fruit.

Trust your gut...it has never led you astray.

You can do it...you are a Brave Girl.

xoxo

Tracking

As of today, I have been on 200 mg of Zoloft for one week.  Dr. S said we should be able to tell if it is working or not within two or three weeks.  So far, I really don't feel anything one way or the other.  I have been in a little bit of a better mood but nothing really noticeable.  I've been very tired.  I've cut back on Ativan (none this past week) and haven't used my Blu ecig very much either (not daily and maybe one or two puffs a day when I do use it.)

Then again, I wasn't using Ativan nearly as much anyway so it isn't an improvement per say.  Cutting back on the Blu ecig was something new and noticeable.  I guess I will just keep trucking.