Spiraling

I'm sinking into a pit of depression right now.  The sinking is very, very sllllloooooooooooow.  But I know it is happening.  Will it be temporary?  Will it be the Big Slide that requires more fixing and healing than I can do by my present means of survival?  Will there be hospitalization?  I'm scared, terrified really.  And I'm not doing a damn thing about it.  At the same time, I don't know what to do.  I never do. 

The slow sinking has been going on for about two weeks now.  I know it didn't help that I was out of my comfort zone - not in my home, not in my town, not with my things and not with my husband or my dogs or the kids.  It also didn't help that I got incredibly ill and was then unable to keep several "dates" that I'd planned with friends and family members.  That made me feel sad and like a failure because I couldn't make simple appointments.  I realize that getting ill wasn't my fault and it was the smart thing to cancel on my friends and family members so I didn't get them sick.  I needed to take care of myself and I did.  I shouldn't feel guilty about it or upset with myself since it was something I had no control over.

It's like the depression is slowly creeping back into my life.  It's taking over,using baby steps to claim bits and pieces of my life, my mind, my soul.  I wasn't doing well on the medications anyway.  I was doing a bit better but not nearly to where I want to be and know (hope?) I can be.  The biggest improvement came when I first started back on the Zoloft and Ativan.  From no medication to medication.  It was like the light was shining again.  But then I plateaued and maybe even have been sliding backwards.  Not all the way, at least not yet, but I didn't feel like I did once the medication first kicked in.  Maybe that is normal and maybe it is not.  It is something I will bring up when I call the Dr or when I next visit.

Tomorrow I need to call Dr. S and report that the increased Zoloft is not making any difference in my moods.  I also need to tell him that things are not going well.  I'm nervous about that since we haven't made any plans beyond this step in the adjustments to my medications.