Finding beauty

Yet another awesome bit of insight from the Brave Girls Club.

Dear grateful girl,

It might seem like so much is going wrong around you. It might even be true. But there are always many many more good things to see and wonderful things to be grateful for.

If we can get our thoughts to sway away from feeling lack of any kind, whether it's financial or emotional or physical, and instead focus on every little simple and beautiful and lovely thing around us, our lives can be full and abundant and joyful.

When we have difficulties finding the beauty we are looking for or wanting to focus on, we always have the ability and the choice to go out and create it.

Between the beauty and the truth that is already out there to find, and what we can create, we can each find joy and strength at any time. Isn't that wonderful? Life is so good! And you are so loved.

Have a wonderful weekend!

xoxo

Too much sometimes

Suicidal ideation

With some full disclosure to my doctor, I got a new label of something I have: Suicidal ideation.

Sounds scary or kind of cool or maybe like an awesome name for a band, huh?

Well, if you look up the definition, it can definitely slip over into Scary Land:

Suicidal ideation is a medical term for thoughts about or an unusual preoccupation with suicide. The range of suicidal ideation varies greatly from fleeting to detailed planning, role playing, and unsuccessful attempts, which may be deliberately constructed to fail or be discovered, or may be fully intended to result in death. Although most people who undergo suicidal ideation do not go on to make suicide attempts, a significant proportion do. Suicidal ideation is generally associated with depression; however, it seems to have associations with many other psychiatric disorders, life events, and family events, all of which may increase the risk of suicidal ideation. Currently, there are a number of different treatment options for those experiencing suicidal ideation.

That one comes from Wikipedia.

From About.com we get:

Strictly speaking, suicidal ideation means wanting to take one's own life or thinking about suicide without actually making plans to commit suicide. However, the term suicidal ideation is often used more generally to refer to having the intent to commit suicide, including planning how it will be done. Suicidal ideation is one of the symptoms of both major depression and bipolar depression.

Ah ha!  That's me if you just reference the strictly speaking part...especially the area I set in bold and underlined for extra impact. 

There are days I wish I was dead.  There are moments when I cannot help but think that it is the only way to be done with this.  I sometimes think that my family would be better off without me and my issues.

But...

I do not have a plan.  I have no intention of harming myself or others.  I am not going to kill myself.

Why?

Because I don't really want to die.  I love my life.  I love my family and my friends.  I love the activities I do and the things I accomplish.

My husband knows and understands this.  Often when I tell him that I wish I was dead he will calmly ask me if I have a plan.  When I tell him no, he just gives me a hug.  I also have friends who know and understand.  They know the right questions to ask just to check that I haven't slipped over into the Scary Land version of suicidal ideation. 

So, I have suicidal ideation.  For me, it's not necessarily bad or scary or something that requires intervention.  It's a thought and nothing more.

So...

I haven't done a personal post in a while.  It's mostly because there is nothing to say about me or my life...at least nothing that relates to my mental illness issues.  Since this blog is dedicated to that, I don't want to ramble on and on about my friends or pets or family.

I had a checkup with my doctor on September 20.  It was one of those med review things.  I'm at a difficult point in my "recovery/fight/struggle".  My meds work.  I don't feel bad and have more good days than bad days.  Life in my head is starting to even out some and is less chaotic and I generally know what to expect.  But, I still have bad days.  And I still struggle.  And there are still times that my depression stops me from doing things.

This is a difficult point because I am topped out dosage-wise on my Zoloft.  It cannot be increased anymore.  According to the dr. the med he would usually add on would be Wellbutrin but that doesn't work for me, in fact, it makes things worse.  With Zoloft he doesn't really like the other combos.  So, we would be looking into trying a new med and dropping the Zoloft.

That scares me.  In a way, my Zoloft is a security blanket.  I know what it does for me and how it affects me.  I know which side effects I usually see.  We know each other and are friends.  A new med is starting over.  A new med is potential success or failure.

Because I have been dealing with this for 17 years and have been treating it with medication for 14 years, there are several drugs I have tried that didn't work for me.  Most of those are now offered in generic form.  I still do not have health insurance or a job so we have to budget.  And generic drugs are generally affordable.  If we bump up into the non-generic drugs, things get pricey.  Yes, there are programs available that can offer some help.  And, yes, there is the potential that I can get free samples from the doctor.  But...

I do know that I'm going to do what is best for me.  Even if that means the expensive meds.  Me getting better and leading the best life I can, despite my depression and anxiety, is the priority.

So the dr. and I talked.  He asked me what I wanted to do.  I told him I would like to stay on my current meds.  I want to do this because I feel like I'm finally even and predictable/stable and want to see if that is the kind of existence that I can enjoy.  I need to figure out how to "do me" in my current situation and see if it enough. 

I go back in 6 months and we go from there. 

Judgement

Listen to your heart

This.  This is what I need to do to really get started with...everything. Sign.  Thank you BGC. 

Dear Beautiful Girl,

What are you willing to let go of today? Life is so much about knowing what to hold on to, and what to let go of...and having faith that it will all work out in the end.

Your heart and your gut know exactly what you need to let go of, even if your brain is giving you all sorts of reasons to clamp your fingers around it. There are seasons and times to have different things, relationships and situations in your life...and then the seasons change and it's time to let go of many of those things. Change is hard....but change is absolutely necessary.

We've all got to let go of old habits, old situations, old behaviors and sometimes even old relationships to make room for what is meant for the next part of our lives. If we just get quiet, get brave, and listen very closely....our hearts will tell us what to let go of. This doesn't mean it will be easy...it just means that it is what is meant for now.

You can do this.

Listen to your heart.

Be brave. You are loved.
xoxo

Suicide prevention week/day 2013

The Bloggess wrote something last week that floored me because so much of it rang true.  You can read the entire post here, but this is what hit me...hard:

This week is Suicide Prevention Week.  I always appreciate that it comes in September because there’s something about September that wants to eat you.  I don’t know why.  I just know that depression lies and it lies the loudest and most convincingly in September.

She is so right.  There is something about Septermber that seems to just terrorize me.  I don't know what it is exactly but I do know there are some big triggers in the month.  Still...

The organization To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) is very near and dear to my heart.  This year during suicide prevention week, they asked people to share why they cannot be replaced.  It's such a beautiful way to look at a heavy subject that spins it in a very positive direction.  I participated.

Imperfections

Dearest Shanda,
 

You try SO hard to be perfect. But how do you think life will be better if you’re perfect?
Don’t you realize that your imperfections make you adorable? Just think what a beast you’d be if you were some Stepford person?
Freckles decorate a face.
Scars suggest a life well risked.
Mistakes make you relatable.
And holes in your jeans give others a place to sneak in tickles.
Relax your perfectionism, darling, and celebrate your glorious imperfections.
I sure do,
Your Inner Pilot Light

That I would be good

I feel this way.  A lot. 

Burdens

Dear Perfectly Wonderful Girl,

Are you carrying an old or new burden around like a heavy bag of rocks, letting it drag you down and hold you back? Is it a belief about yourself or someone else....is it a mistake you made...is it something that someone else did to you that you can not overcome?

It is time to stop shaming yourself. It is time to start treating yourself with the kind of love that you treat others with. It is time to overcome it.

You are not your past, and you are not your mistakes. You are not what others say you are and you are not your limitations, your weaknesses or your frailties. You are not the horrible things that others have done to you. You are not your addictions or your family or your dress size or your tax return.

You are a priceless, authentic, light-filled soul......no one has ever been created just like you and no one ever will be. You are worth more than you can ever know.

It is time to see yourself this way....with unconditional love, kindness and forgiveness. Today, let go of the shame.....let go of it. It is time.

You are so very loved.

xoxo

Baby shampoo

Not just survive

Dear Shanda,

Honey, I know it’s been hard. I know it has taken everything you’ve had just to make it through. I’m so super duper proud of you for how you’ve survived. But the worst is over, my dear. And now it’s time for more than mere survival.

Now is your time to THRIVE.

You know what you need to do.

Here to do it with you,
Your Inner Pilot Light

Difficult phase

Panic attack tools

Because my panic attacks seem to be returning, I wanted to share these tips that I found at the Healthy Place in the article "Ten Things To Do For A Panic Attack."

1. Have an exit plan. This is a must for me.  The better prepared I feel going into a situation, the better I tend to handle everything, even if a panic attack happens. 

2. Have someone you can count on ready to call. I'm lucky that I have several someones that I can count on.  It is nice knowing they are there and even better to be sure they will answer when you call.

3. Spend time with your pet. A personal favorite.

4. Have a tranquilizer with you. It is rare that I do not have several tablets of Ativan on me.  I have some in my purse and I have some in a key chain holder-type thing.  I also have a few stashed in a small baggie in my wallet. 

5. Interact with water. I love this one.  Water is very calming for me.  When possible, the full-submersion method is best but taking a sip of water also works.  The easiest way to interact with water is to wash your hands. 

6. Give yourself a massage or have your loved one give you one. While this helps, it is a bit more difficult to accomplish without drawing further attention to yourself. 

7. Forward bend. This doesn't work so well for me if I am standing.  If I'm sitting, it works a little better but not worth the effort.  Because I often feel hot when I'm having a panic attack, balling up only increases the heat and pushes the panic up several notches.

8. Stare at yourself in the mirror. Nope.  Nada.  If anything, it will escalate the attack.  Tend to also work into a shame spiral and the gremlins snag the opportunity to work their mischief in my brain,

9. Go for a walk. Another one that doesn't work for me.

10. Laugh. This one does work.  Besides getting in a better mood and focusing on something else, it's very difficult to panic while you are laughing.  It's the small things that make a big difference.