So...

I haven't done a personal post in a while.  It's mostly because there is nothing to say about me or my life...at least nothing that relates to my mental illness issues.  Since this blog is dedicated to that, I don't want to ramble on and on about my friends or pets or family.

I had a checkup with my doctor on September 20.  It was one of those med review things.  I'm at a difficult point in my "recovery/fight/struggle".  My meds work.  I don't feel bad and have more good days than bad days.  Life in my head is starting to even out some and is less chaotic and I generally know what to expect.  But, I still have bad days.  And I still struggle.  And there are still times that my depression stops me from doing things.

This is a difficult point because I am topped out dosage-wise on my Zoloft.  It cannot be increased anymore.  According to the dr. the med he would usually add on would be Wellbutrin but that doesn't work for me, in fact, it makes things worse.  With Zoloft he doesn't really like the other combos.  So, we would be looking into trying a new med and dropping the Zoloft.

That scares me.  In a way, my Zoloft is a security blanket.  I know what it does for me and how it affects me.  I know which side effects I usually see.  We know each other and are friends.  A new med is starting over.  A new med is potential success or failure.

Because I have been dealing with this for 17 years and have been treating it with medication for 14 years, there are several drugs I have tried that didn't work for me.  Most of those are now offered in generic form.  I still do not have health insurance or a job so we have to budget.  And generic drugs are generally affordable.  If we bump up into the non-generic drugs, things get pricey.  Yes, there are programs available that can offer some help.  And, yes, there is the potential that I can get free samples from the doctor.  But...

I do know that I'm going to do what is best for me.  Even if that means the expensive meds.  Me getting better and leading the best life I can, despite my depression and anxiety, is the priority.

So the dr. and I talked.  He asked me what I wanted to do.  I told him I would like to stay on my current meds.  I want to do this because I feel like I'm finally even and predictable/stable and want to see if that is the kind of existence that I can enjoy.  I need to figure out how to "do me" in my current situation and see if it enough. 

I go back in 6 months and we go from there.