Twenty-one days

That is how many days it has been since I went back to the doctor and started taking my Zoloft again.  I'm doing okay and am pretty sure I can feel that meds working.  The list at two weeks is mostly the same so that is really good in the big scheme of things. 

However, there are two things I need to make a note of since they are keys in my getting better and important to remember.

One is that I'm feeling a bit blah.  I'm not depressed per say, but I'm just kind of floaty and numb.  I'm not entirely sure how to explain it any better.  The motivation is lessening, which isn't a good thing since it wasn't really there anyway.  I care about some things but not everything or even all the things I think I should care about.  It wasn't that I was feeling really up or happy but I'm not feeling quite as good as I did last week.  Some of this might be the fact that I have my period, my allergies are acting up and I think I'm getting a bit of a cold.  My husband's work schedule is also completely messing with my sleep schedule.  It was working but now it isn't.  If he continues on this shift past this week, we are going to need to work out different sleeping arrangements.

The second thing is that I've been able to cry.  This is huge for me.  In the past, one symptom of my depression was crying jags.  I would cry when I was upset, happy, sad, tired, frustrated, moved or for just about any reason at all.  When I was on my meds, it was like they were working a little too well.  I couldn't cry and express myself in that way.  I've always been an emotional person and have cried freely so not being about to cry was very disturbing.  I appreciated not crying as much but when you are watching a sad movie, a few tears are a good thing.  Or if you attend a funeral, crying is a release. 

So, what do these two things mean to me?  Well, with the first one, I might need to try a higher dosage, if that is an option.  If a larger dosage isn't available, then I might have to go to a different medication.  I'm really not looking forward to potentially starting the anti-depressant dance again.  But I will because I want/need to get better and stay better. 

With the second, I'm just relieved.  I am worried that if I have to go to a stronger dosage of Zoloft or a different medication, that I won't be able to cry.  If that happens, I'm going to have to make a decision between feeling somewhat blah and unmotivated but am able to cry or not being able to cry but feeling much better with motivation and greater happiness.  It seems that it would be an easy decision but it isn't. 

The not crying and/or not being able to fully feel and express my emotions have been good enough reasons to stop taking my meds in the past.  I won't go that far because I'm fully committed to my recovery (hate that term but it is true and semi-accurate) which means getting and staying better.  I know I'm just worrying about something that may not even happen so I'm going to do my best to not think about it until I report back to Dr. S and see what he has to say.