On to the dance...I started my relationship with anti-depressants but taking the popular Prozac. It felt good to be doing something to help me get to a more so "normal" me, but after time, Dr. E and I began to see that it was not working for me. The dosage was upped but it did not make any difference. I was sad but still remained hopeful as we moved on to a different medication.
Effexor was next and it did seem to take the edge of the depression but the side effects were horrible. The best way to describe the side effects would be to say that I felt like I was looking at everything in the movie version of warp speed - you know, that cool result of driving at night while the snow is blowing at you, making you feel like you are actually traveling much faster than you are? Yup, imagine that every time you moved your head in the slightest way and there were tracers or drag marks from everything and it took a split second to catch up with a real view. Okay, they weren't horrible unless you wanted to move, walk, or drive. I needed to do all those things in my life so before too long, it was time to try something else.
The next stop was my miracle drug - Zoloft. I started off taking a 50 mg dosage and it worked some but once we upped it to 100 mg, I finally saw a little bit of light. I don't know how to fully describe the happiness I felt once the fog started to lift. It was like I was back and my life was a bit more in my control.
I stayed on my meds. I went to work on a regular basis. Everything was going well. In January of 2002, I hit a bit of a snag. I decided to see a psychiatrist instead of just relying on my general practitioner's knowledge of mental illness. I moved on to seeing Dr. M and also decided to visit a counselor. Dr. M kept me on Zoloft but added Trazadone to the mix to help me sleep since that was a lingering issue that the Zoloft wasn't able to remedy. Trazodone worked a bit too well causing me to sleep too much. Dr. M discontinued it and and I used an over-the-counter sleep aid when necessary.
Oh, the counselor - I will talk about that more in a later post since I'm dedicating this post to the medication dance. (You can read that post here: HISTORY: Leave it to the professionals.)
The psychiatrist was getting costly and I was driving to a different town to see him. He also wasn't giving me anything new - information or medication-wise - so I returned to Dr. E.
Life is going well. I'm doing great and so I decide to take myself off my meds. Obviously my "helium tank" is full now so I can coast without the aid of the medication. I also elected to stop taking my meds because they were evening me out a bit too much and I wasn't able to experience some emotions or cry. On a day-to-day basis, not crying isn't a big deal but when I attended my step great-grandmother's funeral and watched my step father break down with NO reaction from me, I knew I needed a change. I didn't consult my doctor, I just quit. This was in October 2002.
I managed to make it around eighteen months before trouble started brewing. From the time I'd quit taking my anti-depressants until this point, there had been a lot of changes in my life. I'd met a guy, we moved in together, I quit a job I loved and we moved to a different town. But I seemed to be doing okay. In June of 2004, I finally found a job. It was going well enough. Until November.
Sometime in me clicked...or rather, it came undone. I couldn't function. I had a mini-breakdown and actually thought about committing myself to a mental hospital. With the help of my fiance, I made it through and stated seeing Dr. S. I was back on Zoloft, 100 mg.
Stayed on the meds for a while and then money came into play and we couldn't afford for me to stay on them. I cannot remember when I went off them but once I was on my husband's insurance, I went to a psychiatrist and resumed meds...somewhat.I say somewhat because Dr. R had a slightly different diagnosis for me. He felt I was bi-polar. (My thoughts on that here.) Because of his suspicions, I was put on Lithium Carbonate, 300 mg, three times a day. I was also back on my Zoloft, 100 mg, once daily. I'd also developed anxiety disorder (read about my experiences with panic attacks here) and what can only be accurately described as agoraphobia (will talk about that separately in this post). Dr. R added Ativan, 0.5 mg up to 4 times a day to my program. This was April of 2006.
The Lithium was something I felt kept me even. However, my husband saw it turning me into a zombie. I didn't see it fully but I was developing some weird and destructive habits. After much discussion and listing the pros and cons, I was off the Lithium and Dr. R changed my diagnosis back to depression. I continued with my meds and seeing Dr. R until April 2007. At that point, my husband lost his job and I lost my insurance. Dammit! Again, I was med-free but doing mostly okay.
Depression and anxiety started taking over my life again so in October 2009, I went back to Dr. S to get on Zoloft, only 50 mg once daily this time and Ativan. I also started going to a support group affiliated with the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Based on a reference from that group, I also checked out a counselor again but it once again didn't work out. (If you want to know more about my counseling experiences, here's that post.) It was also during this round of visits that Dr. S mentioned Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which I elaborate upon here.
I stayed on my meds until September of 2011 and have been off them ever since. Monday, September 17, 2012, I will go back to Dr. S and hopefully will be starting back on my meds that day. I'm ready to get back to me.
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