HISTORY: The bi-polar diagnosis

*I first mention the bi-polar diagnosis in a post I intended to devote only to medications.  This post is a continuation/clarification of that original post, which you can read here. 

In my post on anti-depressants, I talk about Dr. R giving me the diagnosis of bi-polar instead of just depression.   When I first heard the term, I was terrified but in some ways, it made sense.  The cycling, the highs and lows...these were hallmarks of bi-polar disorder.  But was I?

I'd been wearing my depression diagnosis for seven years at that point and we were getting pretty comfortable with each other.  This was something different.  This was something new.  This was something I knew very little about and couldn't wrap my brain around it.

I freaked out.

Upon arriving at the pharmacy with my new prescriptions, this time to include Lithium for my bi-polar disorder, I called my mom.  I was in tears and scared.  I don't know why I was scared but this was new and different and I needed to talk to someone.  Since my husband was at work, mom won the lottery.

When I told her about this new diagnosis, her comment made me angry.  She told me that I wasn't bi-polar.  When I asked her how she knew, she said "I know you and know that you aren't bi-polar."  She doesn't know me.  She knows what I choose to let her see.  She knows what I let her know, nothing more.  She is not in my head and she doesn't walk in my shoes.  It wasn't for her to decide.  I know she was probably reacting as a mother and not wanting this for her daughter.  I understand that now but, in that moment, I was pissed off that she made the statement. 

I was on the Lithium for a while but it made me a bit of a zombie and I was someone that was unrecognizable.  My husband was especially concerned.  After discussion, I was weaned off the Lithium and Dr. R changed my diagnosis back to depression.  I don't remember what reasons he gave for the change in diagnosis.

After this (mis?)diagnosis, I did further research into bi-polar disorder.  I am much better informed.  Do I think I'm bi-polar?  I'm not sure.  If I am bi-polar, I would have bi-polar disorder II, which is where the mania episodes are less intense.  I would also often be in the mixed state where the mania and depressive states overlap.  I'm not a doctor so until one tells me otherwise, I will keep my depression diagnosis and work towards maintaining my mental health.