Add to that I have issues riding in the car for long periods of time. I get incredibly freaked out and sometimes bump up into a panic attack. Let's also include that I sometimes have problems in crowds even if I know everyone and/or are related to them. In addition, there is a certain amount of anxiety involved when I need to don the daughter/granddaughter/niece/cousin persona.
This year there was some added stress since we were also going to go to my sister's college graduation...on Saturday morning. She's was graduating from the largest college in Nebraska so there were lots of people and a lot of things I didn't have control over. I wasn't going to miss her getting her college diploma so not going was simply not an option.
(I'm not even going to get into the stress and anxiety that built up during the week prior.)
So, everything on Friday seemed to go just fine. No major snags and I did really well riding in the van on the way there. I did take an Ativan prior to the trip and once during.
Saturday things started off okay until I went to take a shower and realized I brought the wrong shirt to go under my vest. Quick search revealed a Walmart on the way so we were going to leave just a bit earlier and all would be fine. We got to Lincoln with very little problem. As we were heading to the location of her graduation we got off track. Pulled up driving directions on my phone and we were back on track and going just fine.
When we arrived, the lines were HUGE and the parking areas were filling. My husband and I got a bit snappish with each other. I had taken an Ativan prior to the trip and was very temped to take another but knew I might need my remaining two later on in the day. After all, it was only 9:00 am.
After being directed to a parking lot, I switched into my other shirt and we began the jaunt to the center. We arrived and spotted my brother, sister-in-law and father rather quickly. We were lucky to find some seats just behind them.The ceremony was long and I got a little weepy but the panic didn't set in. Afterwards, we found my sister and since we had some time to kill, we headed to my sister's apartment. She rode with us so it was easy. She was also going to ride with us to her reception site. Time at her apartment and the ride to the reception went beautifully. We arrived and I was able to see my step mom for the first time in probably three and a half years. We chatted some and vowed to stay in touch better down the road.
The reception continued and was going very well until we were getting ready to leave. Since my dad had to bring my brother and sister-in-law over to my mom's house, we were trying to come up with the best plan on how to make that happen since he didn't know where their house was located. I had mentioned giving him directions or just meeting at his house back in Omaha, but he said we could just follow each other. I said we could do that but would need to meet up with each other since we were parked in different areas. My dad started explaining things to me and I just lost it.
I couldn't deal with the information and being responsible for it. Hell, I wasn't even the one driving. I told him to talk to my husband and walked out. I needed a break and some air. Apparently my father and husband worked it out so we all took off to our vehicles. We had a little problem with ours (the sliding door wouldn't open) so it took us a bit longer to reach the meetup area. When we did arrive, my father was nowhere to be found. We drove a little bit, looking for him. No luck. So I called him and he didn't answer. I called my brother. No answer. I called my sister-in-law and our luck ran out. My husband kept asking me what we should do and I kept getting more and more anxious and upset.
I've learned that when I'm already having issues (depressed or dealing with anxiety), making decisions is something I am incapable of doing. I figure it is because I'm already dealing with so much shit going on in my head that anything else just pushes me completely over the edge. This was one of those times.
Eventually I told him to just pull over until we could reach my dad. We did after some time and I thought we were figured out. Nope. So we talked on the phone again. We still weren't on the same page. I was done so I told him we should just head back to Omaha and meet at his house. He agreed.
Once on the interstate, my husband decided he needed something to drink so he suggested we stop at one of the towns and meet my dad there. Called dad and he thought that sounded like a great plan so we met at a gas station. Once everyone did their thing, we went to leave and my dad, instead of following us, took the lead. Are you kidding me?
My husband was feeling just as frustrated as I was so we just let it be. We caught up to them right before the exit to my father's house. And my father took it! My husband asked me what we should do and I told him to just keep driving. Immediately, my phone rang and it was my dad. He said he messed up and they would get right back on the interstate. They did and we were on the phone and off it for the ride to my mom's house.
I was so glad to get there. I tried not to let my frustration and anger show to my dad and I know he felt some tension but not all of it. We hugged it out and I told him we would talk later.
Part two will be up soon. Just writing this I've just about worked up into the emotions I was feeling that day. Not cool.
(Part two can be read here and part 3 here.)
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