Describing my depression, part 5

When things are rough and I'm experiencing a depressive episode or building into a panic attack, my brain gives me the silent treatment.  I guess it really isn't the silent treatment but our communication is off. Thoughts escape me.  I cannot remember words or names of certain items.  I forget all sorts of things.  It is incredibly frustrating and only seems to escalate the problems I am already experiencing. 

In a way, my own mind deceives me in those moments.  When I truly need to grasp onto something - anything - to get through the moment, I cannot.  The anxiety and frustration increases and the cycling just continues and it gets worse and worse.

This also accounts for why my patience seems to disappear in those instances.  I'm more on edge and bitchy.  I hate looking like a fool and when your mind isn't functioning properly, I feel like a fool.  It also reasons into my need to have alone time and escape until I can feel better under control of my own brain. Or until I can at least make some sense of what is going on for me. 

When I'm in the moment of dealing with depression or anxiety, it is doubly difficult for me to explain what is going on with me.  I cannot vocalize my thoughts or feelings.  I'm unable to express what is wrong. 

While I do appreciate when people truly care and ask, it becomes increasingly challenging to placate those people with vague responses.  They know there is truly something more going on with me.  They deserve to know what is up.

But I cannot explain it, even a little. 

It is too hard to put into words.  And when by brain is rebelling against me, it is sometimes impossible to even come up with coherent thoughts, much less accurate ones.