I'm an angry panda!

Last night was a bad night.  I was tired and thought sleep would be achieved semi-easily.  Guess again, buttercup.  I haven't slept yet.  I know I will need to sleep at some point today but I'm planning to wait as long as possible and then sleep for as little as possible.  That is my plan with the end result, in my thought process, being me able to fall asleep at a decent time tonight and then sleep well throughout the night.  Fingers are crossed.

I'm angry because I still have these down/bad days and moments.  I still feel worthless and sad, both in these times and because of them.  I want to give up.  I just want to crawl into bed and get a do-over.  I don't care about much of anything.  I cannot process my thoughts or vocalize them for someone to better understand what is going on in my head.  I want to cry, to yell, to break things. 

I want it all to end.*

When I talk about getting better, I mean that I want to not have these depression flare-ups - the kind that are not cause by a trigger and that I cannot just elect to deal with as I would with a bad situation getting me down. Yes, the down days are fewer and there is much more time between them.  And, in all honesty, they are very mild compared to some of them that I've experienced in the past. 

But they still mess with my life.

They still stop me from being a productive member of society on those days.  They prevent me from being the best wife, step mother, daughter, friend, etc. when the depression monster grabs hold.  I'm not me when this happens.  In fact, I barely recognize myself. 

*I have no intentions of taking my own life or harming myself in any way.  Yes, I feel like I want to die but I will not take any actions to do so.  I care too much about my life and the lives of my friends and loved ones to do that to myself, and ultimately, to them.