What's wrong?

Whenever things are less than rosy, or less that what other people perceive as rosy, I get asked the dreaded question: "What's wrong?"

I hate this question.

First, I hate it because I don't know how to respond.  I know this question is something asked by those I'm closer to than just basic acquaintances.  I know this because basic acquaintances or just people ask "How are you?"  It's a common courtesy question.  But still, I don't know how to respond to it.

Do you want me to be honest?  Do you really want to hear what is wrong and/or how I'm truly feeling?

Some people might.  But it is those same people that I do not know HOW to explain the "wrong" to.

In hindsight I can often put my feelings and the chaos that is swirling around in my brain into words that most people can comprehend.  Should I come back to you and tell you then?  Even if it is hours, days, or weeks later?

However, in that moment that I cannot find the sentiments to express myself correctly. 

So I say things like "nothing" or "it's a depression thing" to which most people take as enough of an answer.  To the "How are you?" I give the standard answer of "fine," clearly lying my ass off.  I know this and the person who asked knows this. 

Do I want people to dig?  Do I want my friends and family to probe further and get me to talk or explain?

Sometimes.  But mostly, no.  When depression is kicking my ass, I don't want to talk about it.  I cannot talk about it.  If I do, I feel like I give in and it gets to win for a brief moment.  I also find that I start to ramble and try too hard to explain that I make little sense or only cause more questions to be asked.  Or, the worst, I scare the person.  I scare them because they get a glimpse into my head.  I scare them because I sound like I do not want to live.  I scare them and their reactive concern is too much for me to handle. 

Second, I hate it because I hear it a lot for those I see the most.  The wording itself lends to the idea that something is indeed wrong.  Sometimes I'm just quiet.  Sometimes I'm reflective, or tired, or sick, or have a headache, or am wrapped up in something I'm doing.  But I hear "What's wrong?" because the person asking is concerned.  I appreciate concerned and am so thankful that I am loved by so many people but I feel like some are waiting for me to crack.  That at some point in the near future they will ask me that question and I will totally lose it.  It's almost like that question is setting me up for a breakdown.

So while I do appreciate the concern and I do love that people are genuinely interested in how I'm doing, please don't assume that I'm always deep in the throes of depression.  Don't wonder if I'm nearing the end of my rope.  Maybe think of different ways to inquire as to how I'm doing.  Perhaps asking what I've been doing lately would work.  Inquire about my day.  Or, on occasion, ask me how the depression is going.  Ask me specific questions.  Those are generally easier to answer and can make segueing into deeper conversation about my mental health less painful for both of us.