Apprehension

Tomorrow, my husband and I are hosting a dinner party to celebrate Mabon.  When I first had the idea to do this, I had planned to be at least three weeks into taking my meds.  So we invited people and started making plans and then found out I wouldn't be able to see the doctor until the Monday prior to the party.

Fuck.

Still, I was excited for the party and didn't want to cancel.  So the plans continued.  I made lists and did what I could to keep calm and stress-free while still getting things prepared.  It has gone mostly okay thus far.

But now that it is the day before the party, I'm feeling nervous and somewhat overwhelmed.  I know that I'm nearly ready for the party and that I can get everything done that needs to be completed before the party begins.  As much as I hated to do it, I even made arrangements to have our dogs boarded overnight since they aren't the best with people they don't know all that well.  Just one less thing for me to worry about.

I am nervous that I will freak out.  The people invited are some of my nearest and dearest friends.  I know they love me, understand me, and know about my issues.  I know they will understand if I need to excuse myself to cry a bit and compose myself.  I know that I will be in a safe and accepting environment.  But still, I am nervous.

I'm planning to take my Ativan tomorrow.  I can take up to three of them a day and will be taking the maximum dosage just to help me be in the most prepared mindset and calm mood. 

Tomorrow will be a huge test for me.  I'm confident I can make it through the night but am less confident that I can do it without having a problem of some sort.