This is so true.On one hand, I'd love to find the right balance. On the other hand, I'm afraid to feel better because then I have to be better, and I don't know how to do that.
I used to remember what it was to be "better." But I don't know what that means for me any more. I have some vague ideas but nothing that I can concretely vocalize or set as a goal. There is this girl that I have memories of. She was care-free, fearless and laughed a great deal more than she cried. There was a smile on her face that actually reached her eyes. When someone asked her, "How are you doing?" and she replied, "Fine", it was truth and not just an automated response to keep her feelings safe.
I do know that I want to be better because this shit is NOT working for me.
There is a fear of getting better. Getting better implies that I'm okay and can function and deal with life. Getting better means I've turned the corner towards recovery. Getting better leads to increased expectations from both others and myself. Getting better scares the shit out of me.
Getting better also implies that I can relapse or have a bad day and not be better. That would be a let down to me. I would feel like a failure yet again. And if I am better and other people realize it and then relapse or have a shitty day, I might hear a comment like "I thought you were better?" that might possibly break me in the moment.
But, at the same time, I want to get better more than anything.
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