Baby steps

I go to the doctor on Monday.  It will be three weeks since I made the appointment.  It will be approximately six weeks since I had the realization that I needed help and asked for it.  It will be almost eighteen months since I have last seen a doctor for my depression.  It will be at least a year since I've been on medication prescribed for my depression and/or anxiety disorder.

I am terrified apprehensive.

If the visit goes as it has it the past, I know exactly what to expect:

• I will arrive, check in, visit with the financial representative, pay my bill and head to a waiting area.
• I will sit in said waiting area for much too long given I have a scheduled appointment.  There will be people coughing and sneezing and sticky children will be running rampant.  I will glance at the magazines available in the waiting room and maybe read one.
• If I read said available magazines, I will later feel germy.
• A nurse will pop out, mispronounce my name and I will follow along like a little duck while trying to be polite and join in the courteous small talk.
• We will stop at the scale.  If life is being good to me, we will stop at the "skinny" scale that always seems to weigh me at a much more favorable and flattering weight.
• I will be deposited into a little room to again wait.  I will fight the urge to search through the drawers and explore.
• Dr. S will arrive and ask me "what's going on?" which is his way of asking me why I am seeing him.
• I will start to explain.  I will cry.  He will appear to be listening and I sincerely hope that he does listen.  I may or may not have to sit on the examination table and go through some ear and throat viewing and stethoscope listening.
• We will talk about medication.  He will probably suggest a lower, starter dosage.  I will ask for higher dosage.  I will remind him I do not have insurance.  He may suggest some blood work to, yet again and for the third time by my count in nine years, check my thyroid.
• He will suggest exercise.  I will nod in agreement but probably not change a thing.
• He will write a prescription for me.  Probably for Zoloft 100 mg (take once daily) and Ativan 0.5 mg (can take up to three times a day, as needed)
• He will suggest seeing me again in either three or six months.  He will, of course, remind me to call if the symptoms get worse.
• I will leave, get to my car and have a mini-meltdown

Once that is done, I will head to the pharmacy to have my prescription(s) filled and get started taking them that day.

Please, oh please, let my medications start working ASAP.