Okay

I haven't posted anything personal since October.  It's because, right now, I'm managing.

I still have some bad days but they are far less than they have been in the past year or so. 

I still have panic attacks but they are more easily alleviated and have greatly decreased.

I still am moody and get crabby but I'm recognizing it, and correcting it, much quicker.

I mentioned in September after I last saw my doctor, I'm to the point medication-wise, that if my current medications don't do it for me, we have to start over with trying new medications.  Been there, done that, hated it with every fiber of my being.  I really do NOT want to go through that process again so I have been trying to see if, at this stage, on these meds, I can have a quality life.

And I do.  It's not quite the quality that I want it to be but it is certainly better than it has been.  I need to have conversations with some of my trusted allies to get some input on how they think I've been doing.  I need to really dig deep and decide what the next step will be - will I continue on my current meds and this okay life? will I jump the train to the unknown and try one or more different meds?  I honestly don't know.

I'm on hold with my doctor right now and will be making an appointment for sometime in March.  I have a great deal to think about and analyze in the meantime.  Until something changes, or until after my doctor appointment, I probably will just post fluff about depression and other forms of mental illness.  But I am still here.  And I'm doing okay.

Feeling off

I know I haven't been posting many personal stuff lately.  Fact is, there isn't much to say.  Lately, I have just felt "off."  I have no clue how to describe it any more. 

I don't feel right but I don't feel wrong.

I don't feel bad but I don't feel good.

I'm not happy but I'm also not sad.

What is super weird is that I'm also not blah - you know, just feeling nothing or like I'm floating. 

In all honesty, I could deal with this feeling for the remainder of my life.  But I have to remain hopeful that there is something more out there.  I must believe that I can be "better" than I am currently. 

It's been six and a half weeks since I've been off the Wellbutrin.  I do credit NOT being on it for the improvement in overall mood.  I need to call the doctor this week to report how things are going and ask that he submit refills on my Zoloft.  Hopefully he won't require me to come in but I don't know for sure.  Definitely will post about that. 

Indescribable

I cannot explain what is going on in my head right now.  The words won't come to me.  Descriptions are not possible.  I just know that it isn't good.

The difficult thing is that it also isn't bad.  I'm not suicidal.  I'm not hibernating in my bed, avoiding the world and all responsibilities.  I'm not any more bitchy or temperamental than what has become typical of me.  I'm still functioning...for the most part.

But there is this dark cloud over me.  It's like I'm swimming through sludge at something less than a snail's pace.  My thoughts are muddled and mixed up and they make no sense to me most of the time.  When they do, in that brief, flickering moment, I snag an ounce of clarity before it drifts away.  I have virtually no attention span rendering focusing on any given task for more than a few moments impossible.  It's taken me nearly an hour just to write this post.  I keep getting distracted and drawing a blank and falling into some random thought process that doesn't seem to even involve actual thoughts. 

I'm going to call my doctor today. I'm going to ask to drop the Wellbutrin just to see how that goes. And then? I don't know. The next steps rely on what the doctor has to say.

Until then, I'm just going to do my best to keep it together.  I really do feel like one move, one thought, one moment could shatter me into a million pieces.  I don't want that to happen.  It simply can't happen because I don't know if I will be able to pick up the pieces, much less put them back together to resemble something even remotely like me. 

War in my mind

I know I've written about my fear of getting Alzheimer's and why my increased forgetfulness only boosts that fear into an almost terror.  Combine that with the also increased episodes of blanking when having conversations and we're just a tiny hop from full terror. 

To me, it seems that I used to have an incredible memory.  True, I could remember certain events a certain way while someone else recalled the incident in a completely different manner, but I did remember things.  My long-term memory is good to excellent.  My short-term memory is okay to good.  But my, I'm going to call it "immediate-term" memory, usually fails me. 

Immediate-term memory is when you have a thought pop into your head during a conversation and politely wait for the next pause to jump in and share it.  It can be 2 seconds or 2 minutes before that pause, and you start to speak and... nothing.  Your mind hits the delete key and you have no idea what you wanted to say. 

Another immediate-term memory issue is going to look something up online only to open your browser and go completely blank.  You sit there, hands on the keyboard, and stare at the screen.  Your mind races as it scrambles to remember.  Perhaps you start to mentally retrace the last several moments, hoping that something will trigger your memory and enable you to do what you had planned.

Or you walk into a room with the intention of getting something - a book - or doing something - feeding your dogs - and you stop, dead in your tracks and have a brief moment of panic as you ponder why you came into this room.  More than likely, you look around and hope that something pops out and you have that aha moment of remembering.  You might return to the place from where you have just come, willing that to jump-start your brain. 

This has been happening to me more and more lately. 

Sometimes I remember in a few moments, sometimes I'm about to fall asleep and recall what I'd wanted to say.  There are also times that it seems as though the thought/the act/the plan has completely vanished from my radar.  I still know that I'd had an intention but drive myself a bit crazy as I still cannot remember what it was. 

It is frustrating.

And scary.

Prescription plan

Late next week or early the week after, I will be contacting the doctor.  The meds aren't really making much of a difference one way or the other.  The only noticeable improvement since September was the first prescription when I went from not being on meds to being on them.  Adding the Wellbutrin seemed to make things a little bit worse - my good days were fewer and my bad days were more common.  It wasn't a huge difference or dramatic or in need of reporting. 

Since the current cocktail isn't helping me to be where I want to be and to where I know I can be, I'm curious about the next step.  I'm maxed out on the Zoloft and have at least 2 bumps available on the Wellbutrin.  It would make sense to bump up the Wellbutrin.  Or add a third medication, fourth actually if you include the "as needed" Ativan. 

I want to ask to drop the Wellbutrin and see how I do without it.  Since I feel that it might be doing more harm than good, it's a logical step to me.  Besides, the less medication I am on, the better in my opinion.  I have no clue if this will be an option but I'm going to ask. 

Cost of Wellbutrin is up to $32.89 for 30 tabs.  That is more than double the price of my last refill.  I just don't get it.  My Zoloft price remained the same at $22.90 for 60 tabs.  Both are still less than the market price for someone without insurance and/or a prescription card.  I'll take it. 

Bad days

I've been having multiple bad days.  I'm still having more good days than bad, but I'm having many more bad days per week than I have since I started back on my meds.  It's something I will definitely report to the doctor when I call in next week. 

One of the worst things about these bad days are that there is no warning.  It's not as if there is a slow progressing where I feel a little bit worse each day.  It's a BAM!  And it can last for hours or all day or even a few days. 

Today is my third bad day in a row.

There is no reason, rationale or explanation.  It just is and it just happens.  Will it always be like this?  Perhaps.  Will it interfere with my life, especially that future life where I plan to work full-time?  Perhaps.  Does it scare me?  Definitely.

I worry that my depression will get me fired, if I can even get to the point of not having a full-blown panic attack while just looking for a job, much less actually applying, interviewing and starting work.  I worry that I will let down so many people, including myself, if I fail at handling what so many people view as life.  I am fully aware that worrying gets a person absolutely nowhere and that it is just wasting energy, but it's difficult to stop and not worry.  But that viewed life?  It is one that is productive, where the person has a job, can be relied on, earns money, enjoys time with friends and family.  Almost more than anything, I want to be that person.

When you want something so normal and natural to most people, it becomes an ache deep within your soul.  You have a void in your heart that you need to fill.  Desperately need to fill.  So you try.  And you try again.  Undoubtedly, you fail a time or twelve.  But you keep trying. This also involves pushing yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone. 

At some point, you either reach your goal or modify your plan and keep going by trying different approaches.  You have people giving your suggestions, uninvited or not.  They push you.  It is rare that they understand you, even more so rare if they are able to see deep down to the root of your struggles and pain, to the true you that is buried somewhere under all the pain and all the struggles, and understand.  This is the you who is battered and broken.  You are bruised and terrified and just really want to give up.  If you could have a do-over, you would and demand that you not have these problems, not have this illness, this disease. 

These moments...these realizations...don't help when you are already having a bad day where you mental illness is fighting against you.  When the two team up, it's nearly unbearable. 

I'm at that point.

And a fucking hate it.

I don't know what to do.

If I did know what to do, I'm not even sure I would know how.

No change...yet?

I've been taking 300 mg of Wellbutrin for one week now.  To be honest, I don't feel one bit different.  I have had a few bursts of some really happy and great moments, nothing I would consider as mania so no fears there.  My panic/anxiety has neither increased nor decreased.  I really don't think it is doing much of anything.

In one week I will call Dr. S to report how I'm doing so there is still time for it to kick in and show some improvement.  From what I can recall, if we aren't seeing an improvement from the increased dosage, We will take it back down to 150 mg and increase my Zoloft.  But I'm not 100% sure if that was the plan or not.

Overall, I just want something to work.  I want to feel better and have some motivation.  I'd like my anxiety to decrease immensely.  But I still want to feel my emotions.  I need to feel my emotions.

My husband and I had a talk the other morning about how important it is for me to be able to experience my emotions.  While I had never thought about it beyond that I just know I need to feel and express my emotions, my husband pointed out that he feels the experiencing of emotions is an important and necessary part of who I am.  I need to experience those feelings so I can process them and get past them. It is a part of my process and a key to my well-being

He really does know me well.  And I am so very lucky for that. 

My nerves are getting the better of me

Today, I go to the doctor today for my three month med check.  I'm utterly and completely nervous, bordering on terrified.  It's not the actual visit that has me worried.  It is the fact that once I report that the Wellbutrin isn't working, it is what will be our next course of action.

Will he try a different add-on med to supplement my Zoloft?  And if so, how much will it cost?

Will he up the dosage of the Wellbutrin?  How much will that increase the price?

Maybe he'll up the dosage on my Zoloft and drop the Wellbutrin.  Or maybe he'll up the dosage on my Zoloft and keep me on the Wellbutrin.  Or maybe he'll increase the dosage of both.

What if he wants to scrap all the meds I'm on and start me on something completely new and different?  Then there's a potential cost increase.  Never mind the waiting period to see if this med is going to work or not.

And like I said, things aren't necessarily bad with how the meds were working before the addition of the Wellbutrin or even after it was added.  Life was okay.  I was doing okay.  My depression and anxiety was somewhat okay.

But I didn't want to be just okay.

And I still don't want to be just okay.

Because really, I'm not.

I'm an angry panda!

Last night was a bad night.  I was tired and thought sleep would be achieved semi-easily.  Guess again, buttercup.  I haven't slept yet.  I know I will need to sleep at some point today but I'm planning to wait as long as possible and then sleep for as little as possible.  That is my plan with the end result, in my thought process, being me able to fall asleep at a decent time tonight and then sleep well throughout the night.  Fingers are crossed.

I'm angry because I still have these down/bad days and moments.  I still feel worthless and sad, both in these times and because of them.  I want to give up.  I just want to crawl into bed and get a do-over.  I don't care about much of anything.  I cannot process my thoughts or vocalize them for someone to better understand what is going on in my head.  I want to cry, to yell, to break things. 

I want it all to end.*

When I talk about getting better, I mean that I want to not have these depression flare-ups - the kind that are not cause by a trigger and that I cannot just elect to deal with as I would with a bad situation getting me down. Yes, the down days are fewer and there is much more time between them.  And, in all honesty, they are very mild compared to some of them that I've experienced in the past. 

But they still mess with my life.

They still stop me from being a productive member of society on those days.  They prevent me from being the best wife, step mother, daughter, friend, etc. when the depression monster grabs hold.  I'm not me when this happens.  In fact, I barely recognize myself. 

*I have no intentions of taking my own life or harming myself in any way.  Yes, I feel like I want to die but I will not take any actions to do so.  I care too much about my life and the lives of my friends and loved ones to do that to myself, and ultimately, to them. 

Tell the doctor on the next visit

I just created a label of things I need to tell my doctor when I have my next visit.  My rationale is that it will help save me time reading through my entire blog before every visit/med check.  Seemed like a smart move to me.

I have my three month visit on Tuesday.  Here are some things I need to share with him:

• Wellbutrin - not feeling anything different than when I wasn't taking it. There are some days that I feel a little something but it is barely worth the notice.  Regardless, most of the time I feel the same as before when I was just on Zoloft and Ativan as needed.
• Ativan - will need refills once I'm done with what I have.  I also find that I'm taking them more often than the last time they were prescribed for me.  
• The other moments that are labeled in previous blog posts.

As usual, I'm already feeling a bit apprehensive about the visit.  I know I will be fine but it will still be something I will have to work through in the next several days. 

Three months/two months

It's the time again.  Time for the check in with how my meds are helping or not.  As of today, I have been on the Zoloft (and Ativan as needed) for three months and the Wellbutrin for two months.  And...

In some ways I feel like I'm sliding backwards which really sucks.  I can deal with standing still for the time being and would love to be making improvement but getting worse, no matter how slight, is not acceptable.  It's not getting bad or even overly noticeable but it is apparent to me and to my husband.  In less than a month I will see Dr. S again and see what he thinks. 

Bad night turns to bad day

I wrote about the bad night I recently experienced.  It sucked.  But that was only the beginning since the bad night turned into a bad day that had an unexpected surprise.  Lovely.

I was able to get a bit of sleep after I posted my blog.  Didn't get nearly enough but some is better than none.  My brain and thoughts were still going completely bonkers so doing much of anything was difficult.  But I had obligations that day so I did my best even though it was rough going.

Li, Lo and I have a weekly get together on Thursday evenings.  Mostly we do some witchy/pagan/learning/discussion-type of thing.  Every two months we have a divination day where we get a chance to practice on each other and also get a reading our two of our very own.  It's really nice. 

By start time (5:00 pm) my brain was still a murky mess.  I'd taken an Ativan but it wasn't helping.  It was really getting annoying and almost even scary.  Because of how I was feeling, I decided it was best to not do any tarot readings for the girls since interpreting something - anything - was not going to be possible.  Focus was also not happening so most forms of divination were out for me.  I decided I would go ahead and work on some Numerology since there isn't much interpretation involved early on in the reading.  It made sense and still allowed me to play with my best friends.

I was hanging in there.  I worked on the Numerology and listened while Lo did a reading for Li.  I even added some interpretations of my own.  We took a small break then so I decided to use the restroom.

This is when things went wonky and the unwelcome surprise made an appearance.

I used the restroom, washed my hands, dried them and my mind went totally blank.  Blank really isn't the right word for it since there was still the racing thoughts screaming in my brain, but I totally forgot where I was.  I took a couple of deep breaths and stared at myself in the mirror.  It clicked that I was at the library.  However, I had no clue what I was doing at the library.  I walked out of the bathroom and looked around, hoping something would click.  And it did.  But those moments were terrifying.  It maybe lasted twenty seconds but that was too long.

I have never experienced something like this.  I do sometimes forget what I was going to say.  It is like the thought is there and then I go to speak it and poof! it's gone.  I also have been known to walk into a room only to forget the reason for entering it.  Those are small events that happen to a lot of people.  I feel they might happen more often to me but I really have nothing to base that on.

I did make it back to our meeting room and shared, briefly, the issue with Li and Lo.  They were obviously concerned but I needed to leave.  There were offers to follow me but I said I would be okay.  I hoped that was the truth.  I made it to my destination and texted both of them so they knew I was safe and sound.

Later that night, I shared the incident with my husband.  It worried him as well.  I told him that if it happened again, I would share it with Dr. S when I go back in January.  If it happens more than once, I promised that I would contact the doctor immediately and get in to see him ASAP.

The hubby and I also talked about how I was doing.  He feels that I'm backsliding a little and I agree.  I'm not where I was before going back on the medication, but I've had some decrease in patience and increases in crying and being snappish.

The Zoloft should be fully integrated into my system by now so the dosage is doing all that it can for me.  I've been on the Wellbutrin for roughly six weeks and am still not noticing any difference.  Part of me wishes I would have asked Dr. S to just keep me on the Zoloft for a while before changing anything.  It's difficult to tell if the Wellbutrin is having an adverse effect or just not working.  Maybe I just haven't given it enough time.

The plan is to just keep taking my meds as prescribed as long as there are no further incidents or a noticeable, further backslide into why I know to be my symptoms of depression.  If there is a change for the worse or I have another blankout issue, I will see the doctor immediately.

Two months/One month

As of today, I've been on my Zoloft for two months and on my Wellbutrin for one month.  And...

Still nothing of noticeable difference.  I know it's still early on in the treatment process as far as the Wellbutrin goes, and I am trying my best to NOT obsess about it, but...sigh.

On the positive side, I am NOT:

• Depressed
• Suicidal
• Bitchy
• Having crying jags
• Overly moody
• Staying away from social activities
•  Hiding in the bedroom like it is my only safe haven at home

But I am still:

• Blah
• Unmotivated
• Just floating along with no real feelings one way or the other
• Having mind issues - concentration and remembering things/what I was planning to say

So, for now, I'm going to look on the bright side, embrace the silver lining and just be okay.  

Take your Ativan

I guess you can say that I've learned the hard way that when going into a social situation, I need to take an Ativan prior to the event and bring more for during the event.

Saturday, we had a huge Samhain celebration with our Pagan group.  It requires a fair amount of planning for me and Lo and we pretty much spend the entirety of the event rushing around from one activity to the next with very little time to socialize or actually enjoy the event.  This is the fifth Samhain we've hosted so it is a bit easier every time but still quite stressful.  My husband, step kids and a friend of the girl child were also there so there was a bit of additional stress.

Knowing this, I took an Ativan several hours before the event, about two hours before we began setting up.  I then took another one an hour in to the event and had one left if necessary.  It wasn't but I did enjoy myself much more.  I didn't have a freak out.  I didn't snap at anyone.  I didn't cry.  I didn't have a panic attack. 

I WAS NOT A BITCH.

The next day, Li and her husband were hosting a ritual experience.  I wasn't required to do anything but show up and enjoy watching and/or participating in the ritual.  I also did not have to do a single bit of the planning for this event.  Not one single thing.

I should have been fine.  I should have been relaxed and enjoying myself.

Nope.

I WAS A BITCH...at least towards my husband.  (For which I did apologize for later.)

I was on edge and moody.  I was snappy towards the husband and built into a small panic that I was able to get under control before it exploded into a full-blown attack.   I was impatient and I really didn't like myself but didn't feel like I had control over it.

Later I talked to my husband about it and we examined how it all worked out.  He agreed with my conclusion that social events = Ativan for me.  I knew I would plan to take them for a while when I was going into stressful situations but didn't realize I would need them when I was going out for what should be a mostly stress-free event.  Now I know.

I guess I don't now for sure but the evidence points to my hypothesis being accurate and correct for now.