Suicidal ideation

With some full disclosure to my doctor, I got a new label of something I have: Suicidal ideation.

Sounds scary or kind of cool or maybe like an awesome name for a band, huh?

Well, if you look up the definition, it can definitely slip over into Scary Land:

Suicidal ideation is a medical term for thoughts about or an unusual preoccupation with suicide. The range of suicidal ideation varies greatly from fleeting to detailed planning, role playing, and unsuccessful attempts, which may be deliberately constructed to fail or be discovered, or may be fully intended to result in death. Although most people who undergo suicidal ideation do not go on to make suicide attempts, a significant proportion do. Suicidal ideation is generally associated with depression; however, it seems to have associations with many other psychiatric disorders, life events, and family events, all of which may increase the risk of suicidal ideation. Currently, there are a number of different treatment options for those experiencing suicidal ideation.

That one comes from Wikipedia.

From About.com we get:

Strictly speaking, suicidal ideation means wanting to take one's own life or thinking about suicide without actually making plans to commit suicide. However, the term suicidal ideation is often used more generally to refer to having the intent to commit suicide, including planning how it will be done. Suicidal ideation is one of the symptoms of both major depression and bipolar depression.

Ah ha!  That's me if you just reference the strictly speaking part...especially the area I set in bold and underlined for extra impact. 

There are days I wish I was dead.  There are moments when I cannot help but think that it is the only way to be done with this.  I sometimes think that my family would be better off without me and my issues.

But...

I do not have a plan.  I have no intention of harming myself or others.  I am not going to kill myself.

Why?

Because I don't really want to die.  I love my life.  I love my family and my friends.  I love the activities I do and the things I accomplish.

My husband knows and understands this.  Often when I tell him that I wish I was dead he will calmly ask me if I have a plan.  When I tell him no, he just gives me a hug.  I also have friends who know and understand.  They know the right questions to ask just to check that I haven't slipped over into the Scary Land version of suicidal ideation. 

So, I have suicidal ideation.  For me, it's not necessarily bad or scary or something that requires intervention.  It's a thought and nothing more.

Craptastic

I'm having a bad night. There is a lot of drama and miscommunication going on.

One friend is experiencing inner turmoil and is questioning a great deal. It's very uncharacteristic of her and I don't know how to assist her through the situation or even if she wants any help. Some harsh statements were made and I feel as though our relationship may have taken one of those turns where nothing you do or say gets you back to where your friendship once stood. The dynamics are forever changed. Only time will tell.

On a different front, one of my online Pagan groups seems to have shattered. It's an utter mess of confusing accusations and misunderstandings. Slowly it seems people in the group are taking sides. Another group has been started and some are defecting to it. Some members are in both groups. All the hurt going on is nearly unbearable.

Those two events combined with the gremlins in my own head have me teetering on the edge. I know I need to take care of myself first and foremost but it is especially difficult when people I care about are struggling. I'm a fixer and a people-pleaser to the core. I focus on other people and their issues. I listen and I help. It's who I am. Even when it is detrimental to my own well-being.

I might just need to step away from these two issues. The one with the online group is rather easy to accomplish. People will understand or they won't. Those that I'm close to within the groups will stick by me. The other concern is not something I can distance myself from because it deals with a person I interact with in my personal life and my Pagan life. She is one of my dearest friends. I will just tread carefully with her and see what comes next.

When your loved one is depressed

Found this great letter on the blog "Little bits and pieces."  I've done a bit of editing to make it more me.  I am strongly considering printing this off and giving it to my loved ones.  It isn't perfect, but it does explain a lot to someone who doesn't have depression. 

Dear Loved One:

Being a parent/spouse/boyfriend or girlfriend/friend to someone who deals with mental health issues such as the ones I have (major depressive disorder, general anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and ADD) is never easy. Being a part of my life means taking on a different type of responsibility that would normally come with fully healthy person. If the illness came on after we met, that can come as a big surprise and create a lot of extra stress because of your lack of experience dealing with it.

I want you to know that love you. I am also extremely depressed, anxious and going through a bad time right now. You have a big effect on how I will deal with my illness. I would like to share with you some things you should know about, so we can fight together to help me get better.

1. Love doesn’t cure all. You may wish that just because we have a good relationship that I should be happy all the time. But no, love is not enough.
2. As a caretaker, your priority is to take care of yourself first. If you are exhausted, overly stressed or aren’t taking care of your own basic needs, you won’t be able to help take care of mine. Be strong in this and I’ll thank you later.
3. Don’t do what you think I need. Ask me and I will tell you the best I can. I don’t give a shit if there are dishes in the sink or laundry needs to be put away. Yes, it is nice that you do that, but I would rather you wouldn’t roll your eyes at me when I cry and make sure that I don’t forget to take my meds.
4. Do NOT, under any circumstances — even as a joke — tell me to just get over it. This is a complicated illness brought on by faulty brain chemistry and years of abuse. I want to get better a million times more than you do. Trust that with support, I will do my very best each and every day to improve.
5. Don’t ever forget that each day may be different. Yesterday, I may have gotten a bit manic and cleaned/organized for hours. It may take me another two weeks before I can do that again.
6. If I say I need alone time, please, please, please — do not take it personally. Most of what I need to do to get better is internal. If I don’t get enough time to withdraw into myself and figure things out, then it will take me that much longer to cycle back out again. And if we have kids, help me to hide it from them and try to get them out of the house when I am unable to do that.
7. Do not ask me how long it will take before I am better again. I have no freaking idea.
8. If you need to vent how hard it is, go ahead. It will be okay. Venting is different from anger though. Find your own support system and ways to deal with those negative feelings. Don’t bury them. You may even want your own therapist for a while to help you deal with what I am going through.
9. Each episode of depression is different. One time, it may be helpful to veg on the couch and watch a bunch of romantic comedies so I laugh a lot. Other times, I may get hyper-focused on a computer game or in reading or in another hobby. At my worst, I may need to sit in my room, alone, in the dark, rocking back and forth crying. I might want to try all of these things. Make gentle suggestions, but if I let you know it isn’t helping, please listen. And don’t take it personally.
10. You are going to feel helpless. You love me and it will drive you crazy that you can’t fix me. It’s a horrible feeling and I can’t take that away from you. But, I can tell you that even though you might think you aren’t doing a lot, if you are following the above advice — you are doing more than you can imagine. Thank you so much for reading.

Love from Me

Bad night turns to bad day

I wrote about the bad night I recently experienced.  It sucked.  But that was only the beginning since the bad night turned into a bad day that had an unexpected surprise.  Lovely.

I was able to get a bit of sleep after I posted my blog.  Didn't get nearly enough but some is better than none.  My brain and thoughts were still going completely bonkers so doing much of anything was difficult.  But I had obligations that day so I did my best even though it was rough going.

Li, Lo and I have a weekly get together on Thursday evenings.  Mostly we do some witchy/pagan/learning/discussion-type of thing.  Every two months we have a divination day where we get a chance to practice on each other and also get a reading our two of our very own.  It's really nice. 

By start time (5:00 pm) my brain was still a murky mess.  I'd taken an Ativan but it wasn't helping.  It was really getting annoying and almost even scary.  Because of how I was feeling, I decided it was best to not do any tarot readings for the girls since interpreting something - anything - was not going to be possible.  Focus was also not happening so most forms of divination were out for me.  I decided I would go ahead and work on some Numerology since there isn't much interpretation involved early on in the reading.  It made sense and still allowed me to play with my best friends.

I was hanging in there.  I worked on the Numerology and listened while Lo did a reading for Li.  I even added some interpretations of my own.  We took a small break then so I decided to use the restroom.

This is when things went wonky and the unwelcome surprise made an appearance.

I used the restroom, washed my hands, dried them and my mind went totally blank.  Blank really isn't the right word for it since there was still the racing thoughts screaming in my brain, but I totally forgot where I was.  I took a couple of deep breaths and stared at myself in the mirror.  It clicked that I was at the library.  However, I had no clue what I was doing at the library.  I walked out of the bathroom and looked around, hoping something would click.  And it did.  But those moments were terrifying.  It maybe lasted twenty seconds but that was too long.

I have never experienced something like this.  I do sometimes forget what I was going to say.  It is like the thought is there and then I go to speak it and poof! it's gone.  I also have been known to walk into a room only to forget the reason for entering it.  Those are small events that happen to a lot of people.  I feel they might happen more often to me but I really have nothing to base that on.

I did make it back to our meeting room and shared, briefly, the issue with Li and Lo.  They were obviously concerned but I needed to leave.  There were offers to follow me but I said I would be okay.  I hoped that was the truth.  I made it to my destination and texted both of them so they knew I was safe and sound.

Later that night, I shared the incident with my husband.  It worried him as well.  I told him that if it happened again, I would share it with Dr. S when I go back in January.  If it happens more than once, I promised that I would contact the doctor immediately and get in to see him ASAP.

The hubby and I also talked about how I was doing.  He feels that I'm backsliding a little and I agree.  I'm not where I was before going back on the medication, but I've had some decrease in patience and increases in crying and being snappish.

The Zoloft should be fully integrated into my system by now so the dosage is doing all that it can for me.  I've been on the Wellbutrin for roughly six weeks and am still not noticing any difference.  Part of me wishes I would have asked Dr. S to just keep me on the Zoloft for a while before changing anything.  It's difficult to tell if the Wellbutrin is having an adverse effect or just not working.  Maybe I just haven't given it enough time.

The plan is to just keep taking my meds as prescribed as long as there are no further incidents or a noticeable, further backslide into why I know to be my symptoms of depression.  If there is a change for the worse or I have another blankout issue, I will see the doctor immediately.

Freaking out...continued

So I'm sending the link today.  I'm late but I'm doing it.  This is what I'm sending my select audience:

I'm finally to a place where I want to share my blog with a select few people.  Congrats on winning the prize.

I want you to know that you are under no obligation to read it - now or in the future, you don't have to comment on the posts, you don't need to tell me you are reading it or not, you don't need to follow it...basically, it is your call what to do with this information.

I will, however, welcome comments and questions - both on the blog and in person.  I would love it if you read it and follow it.  I am sending you the link because you are someone I honor, cherish and respect.  I also trust you.

My blog focuses on my on-going battle with depression and other forms of mental illness.  I'm not always the best at expressing myself vocally and feel much more competent and comfortable with the written word.  If you choose to read my blog, you will understand me a bit better...or at least that is my hope.

Enjoy it, or not...remember this is your call.  Soon I hope to share my blog with more people.  But until I'm ready for that, you are my audience.  Thank you.

Love,
Shanda

I'm sending this to my husband, sister, mother, step father, Lo and Li.  

Deep breath...and...send... 

Take your Ativan

I guess you can say that I've learned the hard way that when going into a social situation, I need to take an Ativan prior to the event and bring more for during the event.

Saturday, we had a huge Samhain celebration with our Pagan group.  It requires a fair amount of planning for me and Lo and we pretty much spend the entirety of the event rushing around from one activity to the next with very little time to socialize or actually enjoy the event.  This is the fifth Samhain we've hosted so it is a bit easier every time but still quite stressful.  My husband, step kids and a friend of the girl child were also there so there was a bit of additional stress.

Knowing this, I took an Ativan several hours before the event, about two hours before we began setting up.  I then took another one an hour in to the event and had one left if necessary.  It wasn't but I did enjoy myself much more.  I didn't have a freak out.  I didn't snap at anyone.  I didn't cry.  I didn't have a panic attack. 

I WAS NOT A BITCH.

The next day, Li and her husband were hosting a ritual experience.  I wasn't required to do anything but show up and enjoy watching and/or participating in the ritual.  I also did not have to do a single bit of the planning for this event.  Not one single thing.

I should have been fine.  I should have been relaxed and enjoying myself.

Nope.

I WAS A BITCH...at least towards my husband.  (For which I did apologize for later.)

I was on edge and moody.  I was snappy towards the husband and built into a small panic that I was able to get under control before it exploded into a full-blown attack.   I was impatient and I really didn't like myself but didn't feel like I had control over it.

Later I talked to my husband about it and we examined how it all worked out.  He agreed with my conclusion that social events = Ativan for me.  I knew I would plan to take them for a while when I was going into stressful situations but didn't realize I would need them when I was going out for what should be a mostly stress-free event.  Now I know.

I guess I don't now for sure but the evidence points to my hypothesis being accurate and correct for now.

The toolbox, part 2

I mentioned that my best friend has what she refers to as her toolbox in this post.  I got a bit more information and think I have a better grasp on what it is and how to use it.  Li explained it that the things in her toolbox were the things she could do to better handle situations.  They are things that she is good at and things that she tends to forget about when she is in crisis mode or the deeper throes of depression.  They are tricks to help cope and are mechanisms to bring her back to present.  These tools are things like meditation, listening to music, dance, prayer, painting, etc.  She has some cute little boxes that hold index cards so she wrote on each index card a tool and then will pull from that randomly.  

Yesterday, I had a few readings done by my best friends Li and Lo.  Both of them hinted towards the need for me to create my own toolbox.  I know I need to work on it but the actual motivation to get it started is just not there.  My quest for perfection also tends to get in the way since I want the collection to be nice.  If I would just start it, I'm sure it will start to roll rather quickly.  But, it's the starting that I'm having issues with at the present moment.

Perhaps I will look for a pretty box first.  That will help with the motivation to fill it will beauty.

And I will.

Soon.