Suicidal ideation

With some full disclosure to my doctor, I got a new label of something I have: Suicidal ideation.

Sounds scary or kind of cool or maybe like an awesome name for a band, huh?

Well, if you look up the definition, it can definitely slip over into Scary Land:

Suicidal ideation is a medical term for thoughts about or an unusual preoccupation with suicide. The range of suicidal ideation varies greatly from fleeting to detailed planning, role playing, and unsuccessful attempts, which may be deliberately constructed to fail or be discovered, or may be fully intended to result in death. Although most people who undergo suicidal ideation do not go on to make suicide attempts, a significant proportion do. Suicidal ideation is generally associated with depression; however, it seems to have associations with many other psychiatric disorders, life events, and family events, all of which may increase the risk of suicidal ideation. Currently, there are a number of different treatment options for those experiencing suicidal ideation.

That one comes from Wikipedia.

From About.com we get:

Strictly speaking, suicidal ideation means wanting to take one's own life or thinking about suicide without actually making plans to commit suicide. However, the term suicidal ideation is often used more generally to refer to having the intent to commit suicide, including planning how it will be done. Suicidal ideation is one of the symptoms of both major depression and bipolar depression.

Ah ha!  That's me if you just reference the strictly speaking part...especially the area I set in bold and underlined for extra impact. 

There are days I wish I was dead.  There are moments when I cannot help but think that it is the only way to be done with this.  I sometimes think that my family would be better off without me and my issues.

But...

I do not have a plan.  I have no intention of harming myself or others.  I am not going to kill myself.

Why?

Because I don't really want to die.  I love my life.  I love my family and my friends.  I love the activities I do and the things I accomplish.

My husband knows and understands this.  Often when I tell him that I wish I was dead he will calmly ask me if I have a plan.  When I tell him no, he just gives me a hug.  I also have friends who know and understand.  They know the right questions to ask just to check that I haven't slipped over into the Scary Land version of suicidal ideation. 

So, I have suicidal ideation.  For me, it's not necessarily bad or scary or something that requires intervention.  It's a thought and nothing more.

I hate the word good-bye

Li and her husband are almost completely moved.  Li is pretty much settled into the new house while her hubby and son are finishing up with cleaning and repairs.

I feel a bit lost.

We text almost daily and connect via email, Facebook, Google + very often.  Neither of us are phone people so that's only used when necessary.  We have a planned Skype date.  So it's not like I'm alone or anything but I just miss the crap out of her.

It's hard to explain how I feel about her and even more difficult to describe our relationship so I'm not going to try at this time.  She is one of the best friends I've ever had.  I know that we will never NOT be friends.

Missing her and thinking about the fact that she no longer lives close to me, makes me sad.  Those feelings are not pushing my depression further into the bad space, but they do grin their little smug faces at me when I'm already having a rough day.

With time, the pain will lessen.  This will be especially true if we do stay in contact the way we are planning.  Like many parts of my life, it is a wait-and-see thing.

Week 2

I've been Wellbutrin free for 2 weeks.  I'm still not feeling much of a difference one way or the other so I'm really not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing...or maybe a nothing.  As I'm mentioned, I have no clue how long it will take for the Wellbutrin to be completely out of my system so I don't exactly have a timeline to base my responses, or lack thereof, to the change.  I shall just keep trucking and tracking and go from there.

This past weekend, my hubby and I had planned to make a quick trip to Omaha to pick up some furniture from my dad and stop by to visit with my mom.  We ended up not going at all.  My husband hadn't been feeling all that well and after a crazy long shift at work on Saturday, he was wiped out.  I also wasn't feeling all that great (allergies or a cold like my husband had) plus my anxiety issues were flaring up.  I hate that we didn't go but it was best for us to stay home and rest so we could both feel better. 

My sleep schedule has been all sorts of wonky.  Since I've not been feeling so great, I've been sleeping a little more than normal.  I've also been dealing with many sleepless nights which result in sleeping too much during the day.  It's a vicious cycle that is difficult to end.  I did get to sleep around midnight last night and was up just before 5:00 am.  I didn't get enough sleep or the sleep I need to be doing well, but I'm going to attempt to stay up all day with the hopes of resetting my schedule.  The hope is that I'll be able to go to bed tonight at a normal time and wake the following day at a normal time. 

In one week, Li will be moving to another state.  I'm going to miss her so incredibly much and am dreading the day.  She is one of my best friends and we have this weird bond that I have never felt with other friends.  I really don't know how to describe it in a way that would make sense and be accurate.  I know we will still be in contact and have even planned a get together, but I'm going to miss knowing that I cannot see her at the drop of a hat.  I'm going to miss her hugs the most.

All of the above are contributing to my overall feeling of blah.  I'm feeling a bit anxious and a bit weepy.  I'm a little impatient, rather moody, and just...nothing.  I don't like feeling this way but it is much better than the highly negative way I could be experiencing at the moment. 

Crash mode

I've talked about protection and preparation mode in a past post.  It is something I do when I know I will be doing something outside of my norm...visitors at my house, being around a large-ish group of people, etc.  There is also the crash mode.  It is actually very similar to protection and preparation mode.  The difference is that it just happens, without warning, because of what has happened in the recent past.  This can be pushing myself too much with different and new experiences, not adequately preparing (and protecting) myself prior to such changes. 

To me, PPM (protection and preparation mode - just named it, hahaha) is a positive step.  It is proactive.  It might be a crutch but I would much rather call it a coping mechanism.  PPM requires me to take active steps towards increased success when I'm going to do something that typically causes issues for me with my depression and/or anxiety. 

On the other hand, CM (crash mode) is a result.  It's more so negative because it tends to interfere with me having a normal life.  It is also something to note because when CM hits, I then know I need to review the past several days to see what was different so I can discover what it was that triggered the CM.  There aren't always triggers; depression or anxiety get you in their claws and have their way with you.  It is part of the journey I am on while living with depression. 

When I know what triggers me to have issues, I can prepare for them adequately.  When I don't, I hit CM and realize I need to do what I can to prepare for such instances in the future.  It's a teaching moment for myself.  It's all about the process and figuring out the aspects of my life.

Anyway, today was a CM.  I had plans with Li to go for lunch.  I also had a number of things to get accomplished today because the weekend is full.  Didn't do a thing.  Slept a great deal.  Cried and shut down for a bit.  It affected my life.

Why?

Well, I'm no June Cleaver and I've kind of been trying to be her for the past couple of days.  I have stopped short of donning a 1950s dress and bringing my husband a drink, his pipe, and his slippers upon his arrival from a long, hard day of work.  But I was trying to be this perfect wife and mother.

On Wednesday, the kids came out to stay with us.  It's a rare treat to have them here during the week while they are actually in school.  With the exception of summer, our visits with them are typically weekends, school breaks, and holidays.  We also had my step daughter's friend staying with us while her parents were out of town. 

So I cleaned.  And made real meals.  And participated in nightly, family bonding time.  Wore my happy smile and pretended as though all was fine and dandy.  It was, for the most part.  Then today hit and my brain called me on my bullshit and shut down. 

I am a good wife and I am a good (step) mother.  But I am my version of these titles, not those of someone else.  I'm not perfect and I don't smile all the time.  I'm not crazy perky or all happy happy.  I am usually true to my authentic self and put on no airs when I'm in my home.  (Still occasionally don those masks for moments when it is necessary to be someone else just so I can survive.)

So I take this lesson and learn from it.  I apply what I know to how I need to be. 

The little things

I'm blessed to have such supportive friends and family members.  I know that I'm lucky to have that from the people I love the most.  But it is the little things they do for me, or say to me, that make such a huge impact on my everyday life. 

This was in a text from Li:

"If you frequently lose your car keys, that's stress.  If you don't know what to DO with car keys, that's Alzheimer's."  An awesome reminder that everyday forgetfulness is totally normal.

Made my night and eased some of my fears/worries about getting Alzheimer's. 

Leap of faith

Li shared a video with me that lead me to discovering the awesomeness that is Lissa Rankin.  One bit of love that she offers to her readers is called "The Daily Flame."  It's a bit of loveliness that sometimes makes me smile, sometimes makes me cry, and always makes me think.  It arrives in my inbox Monday-Friday.  Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways and really hits me hard with actual life struggles or questions.  This came the other day from my Inner Pilot Light.

Dearest Shanda,

You know that leap of faith you're considering making?

Yes. That one.

Let me give you a little hint to help you make it.

When the pain of staying put exceeds your fear of the unknown, you leap. When that time comes, you simply can't stay anymore. One day, you can. The next, it's impossible. It doesn't mean you won't be afraid, but the relative fear is no longer strong enough to support the inaction because the pain of inaction becomes intolerable.

So it's okay to be in a place of inaction if that's where you are right now. The fear of the unknown can be incredibly powerful but uncertainty is a spiritual lesson. On one side of uncertainty lies the anxiety that accompanies the fear of the unknown. But on the other side lies possibility, potential, the magical realization that when you don't know what will happen, ANYTHING can happen.

Magic lies just around the corner.

Trust that the uncertain future will be more glorious than you ever dreamed, that the Universe has great things in store for you, even when you have no proof that it will be so.

So, precious Shanda, be infinitely compassionate with yourself as you consider your decision. Whatever your decision, the day will come when you'll just know. As Anais Nin said, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Keep listening to me, and when the time is right to leap, I promise, you'll know.

Here with a parachute,

Your Inner Pilot Light

Sign up for your own bit of awesomeness from your Inner Pilot Light here.

Hmm...

I don't have much to write about.  The meds aren't really helping.  Well, they are helping but I'm not to the point that I both need and want to be in my battle with mental illness.  I need them to boost me some. 

Still rather apathetic about most of life.  I'm experiencing emotions freely so that is still a good thing.  I'm not sad.  I'm not happy.  I just am.  Floating.  Flat-lining but not in the sense of the heart stopping and death.  Just a monotone beep that doesn't change for the good or for the bad.  It's a rather sucky way to live life but I could deal with it.  It is, at least, better than the alternative: the life I was experiencing prior to September and first getting back on my meds. 

I am taking better care of myself spiritually.  I meditate, write "morning pages", pray, and observe nature.  I do this daily.  It gives me a sense of peace.  I don't know if it is having any effect on my mental issues but it is helping my overall mood and general sense of contentment.  I also started a new class (Ritualist training) recently and am continuing with my other class (Feri book circle/class). 

On Sundays, I look at the classified for a job.  I want to work and need to work.  But the process isn't going very well.  I haven't really found a job that I'm qualified for or interested in or able to do.  I've yet to apply.  At the same time, the search brings on anxiety and I've worked myself out of a number of panic attacks.  I'm unsure if this means I'm not ready or just afraid or something completely different and/or totally irrelevant.  But I'm trying.  That's at least something.

Am I still spiraling?  I don't know.  If I am, it is even slower than it was nearly a month ago. 

I will keep on the 200 mg of Zoloft until March 27.  That will be three weeks.  Because it is already in my system, the increase should be working by them.  If there is no change, I have no clue what will be next to come. 

When your loved one is depressed

Found this great letter on the blog "Little bits and pieces."  I've done a bit of editing to make it more me.  I am strongly considering printing this off and giving it to my loved ones.  It isn't perfect, but it does explain a lot to someone who doesn't have depression. 

Dear Loved One:

Being a parent/spouse/boyfriend or girlfriend/friend to someone who deals with mental health issues such as the ones I have (major depressive disorder, general anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and ADD) is never easy. Being a part of my life means taking on a different type of responsibility that would normally come with fully healthy person. If the illness came on after we met, that can come as a big surprise and create a lot of extra stress because of your lack of experience dealing with it.

I want you to know that love you. I am also extremely depressed, anxious and going through a bad time right now. You have a big effect on how I will deal with my illness. I would like to share with you some things you should know about, so we can fight together to help me get better.

1. Love doesn’t cure all. You may wish that just because we have a good relationship that I should be happy all the time. But no, love is not enough.
2. As a caretaker, your priority is to take care of yourself first. If you are exhausted, overly stressed or aren’t taking care of your own basic needs, you won’t be able to help take care of mine. Be strong in this and I’ll thank you later.
3. Don’t do what you think I need. Ask me and I will tell you the best I can. I don’t give a shit if there are dishes in the sink or laundry needs to be put away. Yes, it is nice that you do that, but I would rather you wouldn’t roll your eyes at me when I cry and make sure that I don’t forget to take my meds.
4. Do NOT, under any circumstances — even as a joke — tell me to just get over it. This is a complicated illness brought on by faulty brain chemistry and years of abuse. I want to get better a million times more than you do. Trust that with support, I will do my very best each and every day to improve.
5. Don’t ever forget that each day may be different. Yesterday, I may have gotten a bit manic and cleaned/organized for hours. It may take me another two weeks before I can do that again.
6. If I say I need alone time, please, please, please — do not take it personally. Most of what I need to do to get better is internal. If I don’t get enough time to withdraw into myself and figure things out, then it will take me that much longer to cycle back out again. And if we have kids, help me to hide it from them and try to get them out of the house when I am unable to do that.
7. Do not ask me how long it will take before I am better again. I have no freaking idea.
8. If you need to vent how hard it is, go ahead. It will be okay. Venting is different from anger though. Find your own support system and ways to deal with those negative feelings. Don’t bury them. You may even want your own therapist for a while to help you deal with what I am going through.
9. Each episode of depression is different. One time, it may be helpful to veg on the couch and watch a bunch of romantic comedies so I laugh a lot. Other times, I may get hyper-focused on a computer game or in reading or in another hobby. At my worst, I may need to sit in my room, alone, in the dark, rocking back and forth crying. I might want to try all of these things. Make gentle suggestions, but if I let you know it isn’t helping, please listen. And don’t take it personally.
10. You are going to feel helpless. You love me and it will drive you crazy that you can’t fix me. It’s a horrible feeling and I can’t take that away from you. But, I can tell you that even though you might think you aren’t doing a lot, if you are following the above advice — you are doing more than you can imagine. Thank you so much for reading.

Love from Me

Auld Lang Syne

("The title of the Scottish tune [Auld Lang Syne] translates to "times gone by" and is about remembering friends from the past and not letting them be forgotten." -- Thank you ABC News.  Wikipedia says: "The song's Scots title may be translated into English literally as "old long since", or more idiomatically, "long long ago", "days gone by" or "old times". Consequently "For auld lang syne", as it appears in the first line of the chorus, might be loosely translated as "for (the sake of) old times".")

I tend to fail horribly when I make resolutions.  And when I fail, I feel really bad and often slip into a depressive episode.  Last year, I decided to do things a bit differently and found an idea on Pinterest.  It is a New Year Manifesto and, in my interpretation, instead of making statements such as "I will exercise" would make a broader and more general statement like "I will lead a healthier lifestyle."  This is what I did last year:

I haven't done one this year but plan on working on it over the next few days.  I'm guessing there will be some repeats.  Overall, I feel like it was a very successful project.

There is a lot that will happen in the coming year.  The biggest things is that I will be continuing to focus on my mental health and getting a better handle on it.  I also plan to simplify my life as much as possible by focusing my energies on the things and people that matter the most to me.  In doing so, I hope to rid myself of as much negativity and unnecessary items, commitments and people as possible. 

Two particular events will weigh on my mind more often than not.  The first is that by the end of May, Li and her husband will be moving.  They will be about five hours away.  While they have certainly found their dream home and land as well as getting back into a larger city with diversity and culture, I still don't want them to go.  I'm going to feel so lost.  I know we will keep in touch and that there will be numerous visits, but it won't be quite the same.  I'm so happy for them but I'm sad for me. 

The other event of note is that when the 2013-2014 school year begins in August, we will have two kids in high school and Z will be starting his senior year.  It is just so hard to accept that they are growing up into these amazing young adults.  I'm completely proud of them and love them to bits but what happened to those little kids I first met about ten years ago?

I'm excited to see what the year will hold.  I'm very hopeful that it will be an amazing year.  I know there will be tough times but as long as I learn something from them, I will do my best to take them in stride. 

Must remember

In her infinite wisdom and amazing timing, Li shared this little blog with me.  I know she sent it after I relayed the events of the hectic weekend from hell which I will write about soon...probably.

The blog entry she sent is called "Radical Imperfection: Holiday Edition" and is found on the blog "Buffalo Tracts".  The entire entry is wonderful.  But the final message really struck a chord and is something I must remember.

So maybe I can cut myself a little slack. Maybe I can decide that this is a good chance to re-embrace my radical imperfection, and to start writing a little mental speech about how our flaws are what make us beautiful, just in case either of the nieces calls me on that little glue smear I couldn’t quite rub out. Maybe I can allow myself yet again to be human, to be accessible, to be a really good example of someone who made a really good effort and didn’t really make it to the mountaintop but people really loved her anyway.

Good stuff.  Really, really good stuff.  

Bad night turns to bad day

I wrote about the bad night I recently experienced.  It sucked.  But that was only the beginning since the bad night turned into a bad day that had an unexpected surprise.  Lovely.

I was able to get a bit of sleep after I posted my blog.  Didn't get nearly enough but some is better than none.  My brain and thoughts were still going completely bonkers so doing much of anything was difficult.  But I had obligations that day so I did my best even though it was rough going.

Li, Lo and I have a weekly get together on Thursday evenings.  Mostly we do some witchy/pagan/learning/discussion-type of thing.  Every two months we have a divination day where we get a chance to practice on each other and also get a reading our two of our very own.  It's really nice. 

By start time (5:00 pm) my brain was still a murky mess.  I'd taken an Ativan but it wasn't helping.  It was really getting annoying and almost even scary.  Because of how I was feeling, I decided it was best to not do any tarot readings for the girls since interpreting something - anything - was not going to be possible.  Focus was also not happening so most forms of divination were out for me.  I decided I would go ahead and work on some Numerology since there isn't much interpretation involved early on in the reading.  It made sense and still allowed me to play with my best friends.

I was hanging in there.  I worked on the Numerology and listened while Lo did a reading for Li.  I even added some interpretations of my own.  We took a small break then so I decided to use the restroom.

This is when things went wonky and the unwelcome surprise made an appearance.

I used the restroom, washed my hands, dried them and my mind went totally blank.  Blank really isn't the right word for it since there was still the racing thoughts screaming in my brain, but I totally forgot where I was.  I took a couple of deep breaths and stared at myself in the mirror.  It clicked that I was at the library.  However, I had no clue what I was doing at the library.  I walked out of the bathroom and looked around, hoping something would click.  And it did.  But those moments were terrifying.  It maybe lasted twenty seconds but that was too long.

I have never experienced something like this.  I do sometimes forget what I was going to say.  It is like the thought is there and then I go to speak it and poof! it's gone.  I also have been known to walk into a room only to forget the reason for entering it.  Those are small events that happen to a lot of people.  I feel they might happen more often to me but I really have nothing to base that on.

I did make it back to our meeting room and shared, briefly, the issue with Li and Lo.  They were obviously concerned but I needed to leave.  There were offers to follow me but I said I would be okay.  I hoped that was the truth.  I made it to my destination and texted both of them so they knew I was safe and sound.

Later that night, I shared the incident with my husband.  It worried him as well.  I told him that if it happened again, I would share it with Dr. S when I go back in January.  If it happens more than once, I promised that I would contact the doctor immediately and get in to see him ASAP.

The hubby and I also talked about how I was doing.  He feels that I'm backsliding a little and I agree.  I'm not where I was before going back on the medication, but I've had some decrease in patience and increases in crying and being snappish.

The Zoloft should be fully integrated into my system by now so the dosage is doing all that it can for me.  I've been on the Wellbutrin for roughly six weeks and am still not noticing any difference.  Part of me wishes I would have asked Dr. S to just keep me on the Zoloft for a while before changing anything.  It's difficult to tell if the Wellbutrin is having an adverse effect or just not working.  Maybe I just haven't given it enough time.

The plan is to just keep taking my meds as prescribed as long as there are no further incidents or a noticeable, further backslide into why I know to be my symptoms of depression.  If there is a change for the worse or I have another blankout issue, I will see the doctor immediately.

Freaking out...continued

So I'm sending the link today.  I'm late but I'm doing it.  This is what I'm sending my select audience:

I'm finally to a place where I want to share my blog with a select few people.  Congrats on winning the prize.

I want you to know that you are under no obligation to read it - now or in the future, you don't have to comment on the posts, you don't need to tell me you are reading it or not, you don't need to follow it...basically, it is your call what to do with this information.

I will, however, welcome comments and questions - both on the blog and in person.  I would love it if you read it and follow it.  I am sending you the link because you are someone I honor, cherish and respect.  I also trust you.

My blog focuses on my on-going battle with depression and other forms of mental illness.  I'm not always the best at expressing myself vocally and feel much more competent and comfortable with the written word.  If you choose to read my blog, you will understand me a bit better...or at least that is my hope.

Enjoy it, or not...remember this is your call.  Soon I hope to share my blog with more people.  But until I'm ready for that, you are my audience.  Thank you.

Love,
Shanda

I'm sending this to my husband, sister, mother, step father, Lo and Li.  

Deep breath...and...send... 

Real person experience

In a text conversation with Li, I asked how long it took for the Wellbutrin to work for her.  Here's our convo:

Me:  How long did it take for you to feel like the Wellbutrin was working?

Li:  Way longer than with other antidepressants, and it's a subtle helper.  Doesn't make me feel or behave differently, just overall there's a noticeable change...

[Me jumping the gun and responding, not knowing Li was adding more in her next text]

Me: Okay.  So can you ballpark how long it took until the noticeable change was evident?

Li:  ...in number of down days, sleepless nights, etc.  And it's much easier to mute the "self-hatred channel" in my brain when it turns on.

Li:  More like forty-five days than the usual two-three weeks.  Then again, I had to ramp up to the max dosage, an am not on anything else... YMMV [your mileage may vary]

Me:  I see.  Thanks.  I'm just growing frustrated because the Zoloft started working so quickly that I got my hopes up.  It's only been three weeks so I need to stop obsessing.

Li:  <3 [heart/love] 
 
Me: :) lmL [smiley face and I love you in sign language]

That made me feel better about not feeling anything from the Wellbutrin yet.  So I'm going to do what I can to not focus and obsess about when or if it is going to work for me.  It's a process.

While I hate that Li suffers from depression, I'm so glad that I have a very close friend that I can talk to about  meds, fears, setbacks and triumphs in regards to mental illness.  I have other friends and family members that I talk with, but I never feel like they fully understand because they have not been there.  And it's not that Li and I have had the same experiences, but we are able to sympathize and empathize with each other. 

Three weeks

I'm three weeks into my new med regimen that now includes Wellbutrin.  Sadly, I still feel no differently than I did before I started taking it.  A week ago I thought I was maybe even a bit worse.  I don't really feel that now but I don't feel any different either. 

The frustration continues to grow.  I talked to my husband a bit about it the other day.  He did good with listening and reminded me that I should try to keep calm and just give it some time.  It's good advice that I know but it always helps to bring it to the focal point again. 

And I am trying to not get worked up about it and what it could mean should it not work, but it is hard.  For one, I'm a planner.  I try my best to live in the present moment and not dwell on the past or over think the future.  Sadly, I fail at doing both of those things.  I'm not very good at the whole "wait and see" idea. 

Also, this is my life and well-being that these meds are attempting to help.  That is a HUGE thing and so it really is of top concern.  I know worrying about it does nothing but cause me to worry more and obsess.  It's not healthy for me and it is certainly not some mindset that I should get wrapped up in and over analyze.  I'm trying not to do that.

But it is difficult.

Very, difficult.

Sigh.

I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm trying to take a very proactive approach to handling my mental illness issue and I cannot do anything about how my meds may or may not work for me.  I have no control over that aspect except for how I deal with the "wait and see" methodology, which I'm not dealing with in a very good or productive manner. 

Add to that the fact that I'm a bit of a control freak and ugh, it is a recipe for many small freakouts and a few big ones.  Okay, I'm very much so a control freak and there is no "bit" about it and there are more big freakouts than small ones. 

I am trying.  I'm trying to remain in the present moment and just take one day at a time.  The phrases "what if" and "when will it" fly through my head at a rapid pace but I'm doing what I can to ignore them.  If I cannot ignore them, then I'm trying to address them slightly but not fixate on the thoughts or let them get out of hand. 

It is important to remember that it can take upwards of eight weeks, if not more, for the meds to enter into my system and begin to work.  Li said it took a long time for the Wellbutrin to start to show any affect on her depression.  I really should ask her how long it took for her.  That way I have a real person reference instead of the vague doctor and/or pharmacist statement.

Take your Ativan...revisited

Had a quaint get together with Li, her husband, their boys, me and my husband at Li's house.  It was in celebration of Samhain.  We brought some snacks and drinks, they provided some snack and drinks and we all communed around the fire pit in the back yard.  It was a lovely night.

Due to some of my recent experiences in social situations, I took an Ativan prior to the event.  It worked.  It was a very laid back evening but towards the end I was feeling a bit frustrated with my husband.  I felt we needed to head home (for many reason such as the host being super tired and falling asleep as well as the fact that my husband actually had to get home and try to snag a couple hours of sleep before heading to work at 4:30 am.)

Even though I was feeling frustrated, I didn't get to the point of being angry or bitchy.  I was able to express my frustration in a very polite manner that worked out very well for everyone involved.

This just further proves my social situation = Ativan hypothesis. 

Take your Ativan

I guess you can say that I've learned the hard way that when going into a social situation, I need to take an Ativan prior to the event and bring more for during the event.

Saturday, we had a huge Samhain celebration with our Pagan group.  It requires a fair amount of planning for me and Lo and we pretty much spend the entirety of the event rushing around from one activity to the next with very little time to socialize or actually enjoy the event.  This is the fifth Samhain we've hosted so it is a bit easier every time but still quite stressful.  My husband, step kids and a friend of the girl child were also there so there was a bit of additional stress.

Knowing this, I took an Ativan several hours before the event, about two hours before we began setting up.  I then took another one an hour in to the event and had one left if necessary.  It wasn't but I did enjoy myself much more.  I didn't have a freak out.  I didn't snap at anyone.  I didn't cry.  I didn't have a panic attack. 

I WAS NOT A BITCH.

The next day, Li and her husband were hosting a ritual experience.  I wasn't required to do anything but show up and enjoy watching and/or participating in the ritual.  I also did not have to do a single bit of the planning for this event.  Not one single thing.

I should have been fine.  I should have been relaxed and enjoying myself.

Nope.

I WAS A BITCH...at least towards my husband.  (For which I did apologize for later.)

I was on edge and moody.  I was snappy towards the husband and built into a small panic that I was able to get under control before it exploded into a full-blown attack.   I was impatient and I really didn't like myself but didn't feel like I had control over it.

Later I talked to my husband about it and we examined how it all worked out.  He agreed with my conclusion that social events = Ativan for me.  I knew I would plan to take them for a while when I was going into stressful situations but didn't realize I would need them when I was going out for what should be a mostly stress-free event.  Now I know.

I guess I don't now for sure but the evidence points to my hypothesis being accurate and correct for now.

Exploring a suspicion

A little over a week ago, I had this feeling that maybe, just maybe, I haven't really either wanted to get better or wasn't ready to get better in the past.  This was a very scary thought for me because it has been about eight years since I've been fully "better."  In that time, my husband has been the only one working to support our family.  I did have a few babysitting stints that maybe covered our grocery bill but still, I haven't really been contributing financially to our household. 

I've revisited the thought a few times since and even talked to Li about it.  My biggest fear was that my husband would be pissed when I told him.  I know that our relationship is strong and secure so I wasn't worried that this confession would cause some massive damage to our marriage.  Honestly, I wouldn't blame him if he was pissed.  But I knew I needed to tell him about it but also really wanted to explore it for myself first.  There was no point in bringing it up if it wasn't necessary.

But yesterday morning, I just spit it out.  I told him and he actually took it really well.  As Li had mentioned, he even suspected it a little bit.  We talked it out some and I feel much better about it.  I'm still not sure if it is a true statement or not and I will continue to explore it further but knowing that my husband supports me and seems to understand makes it all the easier for me to take an honest look at those feelings.  It also frees me to be accepting that it could be true since I know I have him on my side.

One thought that my husband and I have explored in the past is that when I had my big break in 2004, that it was bigger than others because for the first time in a long time, I was in a safe environment where I knew I was cared for and would be taken care of.   I'm not saying my parents and step parents weren't there for me, but I was on my own when the first breakdown occurred.  My parents were supportive and did help out but it wasn't the same as what I have with my husband.  His love for me...that unconditional and beautiful love...allowed me to be safe in losing it without fear of doing it on my own.  Yes, I needed to deal with the issues but I have a live-in support system.

So perhaps I've been just reveling in that for the past several years.  Maybe this was my time of healing and letting someone take care of me on just about ever level.  If this suspicion is real and accurate or not, I may never know.  But I also don't know that I do need to know.  I'm committed to my recovery and to getting my life back on track.  I'm not going to let my fears stop me.  I'm stronger and much better prepared for the battle ahead and I owe a great deal of that strength to the love and support I've received from my husband.

The toolbox, part 2

I mentioned that my best friend has what she refers to as her toolbox in this post.  I got a bit more information and think I have a better grasp on what it is and how to use it.  Li explained it that the things in her toolbox were the things she could do to better handle situations.  They are things that she is good at and things that she tends to forget about when she is in crisis mode or the deeper throes of depression.  They are tricks to help cope and are mechanisms to bring her back to present.  These tools are things like meditation, listening to music, dance, prayer, painting, etc.  She has some cute little boxes that hold index cards so she wrote on each index card a tool and then will pull from that randomly.  

Yesterday, I had a few readings done by my best friends Li and Lo.  Both of them hinted towards the need for me to create my own toolbox.  I know I need to work on it but the actual motivation to get it started is just not there.  My quest for perfection also tends to get in the way since I want the collection to be nice.  If I would just start it, I'm sure it will start to roll rather quickly.  But, it's the starting that I'm having issues with at the present moment.

Perhaps I will look for a pretty box first.  That will help with the motivation to fill it will beauty.

And I will.

Soon.

Stephen Fry quote

"If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

"Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do."

Thanks for sharing this, Li.

The toolbox

My best friend Li has compiled what she calls her toolbox.  This is a collection of coping mechanisms.  These are the things she is good at, the things she understands, the things that she can fall back on when life has gone to shit.

I need a toolbox.

I need to find out more about how she compiled her toolbox and what she put in it.