Happy days ahead

Could it be true?  Could I have finally turned the corner and stabilized at a point that we can establish a new baseline to work from?  Maybe.  I've learned to not get my hopes up but I cannot help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, I would be okay with getting excited with the latest developments. 

three nine

I turned 39 yesterday.  I don't feel any different except for the thought that 40 is no longer years away.  It is now months, weeks, and days away.  Part of my has this dread about 40.  The other part of me, it doesn't care in the least.  I'm not the type of person to fib about my age.  I figure I have earned each and every year of my life so why not acknowledge that. 

Not really noticing any difference since I've been off the Wellbutrin.  Today will be day number nine without it.  I don't know how long it will stay in my system once I stop ingesting it.  Maybe I should look that up.  I figure it is anywhere between two and twelve weeks.  My rationale is that it takes at least two weeks to feel any effects of the medicine in your body and that it should be fully integrated into your system by twelve weeks.  Seems the same would also go for getting it out of your system. 

Had a very intense weekend.  I went through a 2-day training and it wore me out - mentally, emotionally, and physically.  There was a bit of a ginormous kick in the gut Saturday night where my inner-self and all that I hold dear and feel is a part of my core being was exposed, brought into question, and demolished.  It wasn't literally demolished and I still retain all those things but I need to do some more processing to get to the heart of the revelation. 

The basic gist of said revelation is that to embrace the Shanda I am meant to become, I must rid myself of all my attachments.  These attachments are my life.  The attachments include my husband, my step kids, my parents, my siblings, my pets, my friends.  Let's not forget my home and all that I value and hold dear. 

Say what?!?!

I'm not to have anything - physical, emotional, spiritual, moral, ethical, etc. - holding me back.  Nothing.

Hello?!?!

My connections to these things are so important to me.  While they don't necessarily define me, they do make up a great deal of my core being.  My spirit and soul are linked to the connections and attachments I form in my life.  I hold them as sacred and place enormous value on them.

A huge scary realization that came along with this revelation is about suicide/death.  I believe that I've talked about this in the past.  If not, please do not freak out.  I am NOT suicidal.  I have NO PLANS to end my own life or do harm to myself.  Anyway, there are moments that I wish I would just die.  This is because everything in my head is just becoming too much.  I don't feel like I can handle it and make it through another moment.  I want the depression to end.  The only way to truly end my depression is for my life to end.  This is why I sometimes want to die.

However, I would never kill myself.  I wouldn't do that to my friends, my family, and my loved ones.  Suicide is selfish and I couldn't take that route.  I know I won't ever end my own life because I don't want to hurt those people I would leave behind.

Those people I have connections with and attachments to.

(See where I'm going with this?)

So, if I have no more connections and no more attachments, does that mean I would be willing to end my own life? Honestly, I do not know.  I really, really want to say that I wouldn't but I cannot know until I have been in that situation.  And since I don't see myself giving up those attachments and connections, you can rest assured that I will still be here in the morning...and the next day...and the next year...and for however long I'm meant to live this life. 

As I said, I'm still processing this information.  Some bits I've started to see as methods to detach from my connections make sense.  I don't need to officially rid myself of all those attachments but I do need to be able to adopt a mindset of detachment for certain aspects of my life.  This detachment may include a symbolic death of the old me so I can become what I'm meant to be.  Seems much more acceptable and possible to achieve. 

Things that make you go hmm...

I haven't been doing much personal blogging lately.  I've been sharing photos/graphics and ideas from other sites.  It's been safer for me to do so.  It's not that I don't want to be vulnerable and share my thoughts and feelings, it's that I have been unable to figure them out enough to express them in a manner that makes even a small bit of sense. 

The whole process and intent of this blog is for me to have a vehicle to figure out my thoughts, fears, and feelings as I go through my life with depression.  I want to help myself by working through the issues and if I can offer some insight to myself and potentially others, all the better.  By sharing my successes and struggles, I feel that I am making progress.

Yesterday was the 3 week mark of being on the increased dosage of Zoloft.  I feel like it is making a little bit of difference but it still isn't enough.  I'm not where I want to be.  I really think I could feel better and be happier.  I'm doing what I can to help me reach that potential but it isn't enough.  I don't like relying on medication to help me but am very much so aware that I don't have the luxury to be drug-free.  I'm okay with that...mostly.  My health and my sanity are a priority and if keeping myself sane and functioning means filling my body with chemicals, so be it. 

Because of how I'm feeling (or not feeling), I need to call the doctor.  But, I'm afraid.  I don't know what the next step will be.  Part of me says to give it another week.  It makes sense to be really sure that the dosage is fully integrated into my system.  Talked myself into it so I will be waiting another week.  See, my blog is good for me to work through some issues. 

I really, really do believe that this isn't how it's going to be.  I have to believe that because if it isn't true, then there is no point in taking these meds or working through the problems.  So I believe, even when it is difficult to do so on most days.  Part of getting better does mean I need to write more and, in turn, blog more.  The entries might not make sense and may ramble on in a stream-of-conscious manner, but they do help. 

So, with a deep breath, I take the next six days as they come and commit to speaking with my doctor next week. 

2013 Intentions and my 100th post

It is difficult for me to comprehend that this is my 100th post.  It doesn't seem possible that I've posted that much and had so much to say about my struggles with mental illness.  I feel like I've made a great deal of progress with understanding my depression.  And I hope that those who choose to read my blog have gained a deeper insight into my struggles and triumphs. 

In all honesty, I'm quite proud of myself and that isn't something I get to feel very often.

In this post, I shared my non-resolutions for the past year.  I finally got around to making my visual reminder for the coming year.  Here it is:

So far, I'm doing pretty well.  I hope to continue to reach towards incorporating them into my life. 

Auld Lang Syne

("The title of the Scottish tune [Auld Lang Syne] translates to "times gone by" and is about remembering friends from the past and not letting them be forgotten." -- Thank you ABC News.  Wikipedia says: "The song's Scots title may be translated into English literally as "old long since", or more idiomatically, "long long ago", "days gone by" or "old times". Consequently "For auld lang syne", as it appears in the first line of the chorus, might be loosely translated as "for (the sake of) old times".")

I tend to fail horribly when I make resolutions.  And when I fail, I feel really bad and often slip into a depressive episode.  Last year, I decided to do things a bit differently and found an idea on Pinterest.  It is a New Year Manifesto and, in my interpretation, instead of making statements such as "I will exercise" would make a broader and more general statement like "I will lead a healthier lifestyle."  This is what I did last year:

I haven't done one this year but plan on working on it over the next few days.  I'm guessing there will be some repeats.  Overall, I feel like it was a very successful project.

There is a lot that will happen in the coming year.  The biggest things is that I will be continuing to focus on my mental health and getting a better handle on it.  I also plan to simplify my life as much as possible by focusing my energies on the things and people that matter the most to me.  In doing so, I hope to rid myself of as much negativity and unnecessary items, commitments and people as possible. 

Two particular events will weigh on my mind more often than not.  The first is that by the end of May, Li and her husband will be moving.  They will be about five hours away.  While they have certainly found their dream home and land as well as getting back into a larger city with diversity and culture, I still don't want them to go.  I'm going to feel so lost.  I know we will keep in touch and that there will be numerous visits, but it won't be quite the same.  I'm so happy for them but I'm sad for me. 

The other event of note is that when the 2013-2014 school year begins in August, we will have two kids in high school and Z will be starting his senior year.  It is just so hard to accept that they are growing up into these amazing young adults.  I'm completely proud of them and love them to bits but what happened to those little kids I first met about ten years ago?

I'm excited to see what the year will hold.  I'm very hopeful that it will be an amazing year.  I know there will be tough times but as long as I learn something from them, I will do my best to take them in stride. 

Taking on a new responsibility

Meds must be working because...I went ahead and signed up to chair the Setup/Clean up Committee for post prom.  I'm already feeling a little bit of apprehension about this but know that it will be fine.  My husband is my co-chair so he knows my signs and how to best help me work through any issues that may arise.

The prom isn't until March but the planning needs to start now.  This chairperson role involves chairing the committee (obviously) but also conducting monthly meetings and all things that go with said meeting.  We have a small list of suggestions and tips but it seems like we will be somewhat flying by the seats of our pants. 

So yes, a little apprehension but I wouldn't have signed up to do it if I didn't think I would be able to handle it.  Husband will help but I know he's mostly there for the muscle and that I will be the one doing the planning and organizing.  I know I can do this and am a little excited to have some responsibilities outside of the home.

New med

Started taking Wellbutrin today.  I know it will take a while to actually get into my system and start helping (or not helping...never know how these things will go) but I'm hopeful that it will be the kick I need.  I really do not want to start on a completely new drug regimen but will if that is the only option.  Gods, I hope it is not the only option.

Other than that, the sleeping schedule is back to a more so regular person schedule.  Most nights I get to bed between 10:00 pm and 11:00 pm and am usually up around 7:00 am.  This has been going on for the past several days.  Next week, my husband will be starting a "typical" schedule for his job where he has to be to work at 7:00 am.  This will help me with my sleep schedule since it's really just easier to go to bed when he does and wake up around the same time. 

I'm also, as per doctor's orders, to be working towards the healthy lifestyle that will help with my depression.  Part of this is to get on a sleep schedule so yay me.  I'm also supposed to start getting regular exercise and eating in a healthier way.  Anything else that promotes a healthier lifestyle is encouraged.  Since I no longer smoke and rarely drink alcohol and caffeinated beverages, I have a few of those "good" things checked off my life. 

Because I'm a list maker, I will be working on some goals for a healthier lifestyle list this weekend.  I know I will share it here because it makes sense and also, by making it public, makes me more accountable.  Yes, maybe no one will ever read my blog but I can still take accountability that someone could and may ask me about it.