10 analogies that perfectly capture depression

10 Analogies that perfectly capture depression by Amy Thurlow at Scary Mommy.

If others don’t believe you when you are certain you speak the truth, if you get blamed for something you know is not your fault, if no matter how many times you try explaining something the person just doesn’t get it, how does it make you feel? 

Pretty frustrated, I’m sure.

Sadly, this is the case for many who suffer from mental illness, like depression. Imagine being accused of creating your own illness with your negative attitude, laziness, or self-pity. It’s pretty awful. Those with depression long to be believed, long to be understood. Depression is NOT a feeling. It’s a very real disease, and I’m going to attempt to describe it to you with some analogies.

1. Irritability (The Sandpaper Bed)

You stand beside your bed. It looks cozy and inviting. You climb in and are startled by the feel of the sheets on your skin. They are rough, like sandpaper. Your pillow is hard as a rock. You roll over; nothing changes. The sandpaper sheets hurt your skin and the rock pillow makes it impossible to relax.

This is what irritability is like. You know you should not be bothered, but everything annoys you, angers you, makes you very uncomfortable. You wish with all of your might you could relax and feel peaceful, but it just won’t happen. You want to explode at everyone around you, but you hold it in as best you can. You press on, try to appear normal. Like a night spent in the sandpaper bed would be, it’s totally exhausting.

2. Empty/Numb (The Worst Comedy Show Ever)

Depression frequently makes you feel … absolutely nothing at all. Imagine you’re at a comedy show, but you’re the only one who finds nothing funny about it. Everyone else cracks up, laughing at jokes that evoke no response in you at all. You wish you could enjoy yourself as they are, but your heart and mind are void of all feeling. You throw back a few drinks, to try to ignite a spark of life within you, to no avail. You just want to go home so you can stop pretending you actually feel something other than numbness. Depression often makes you feel as though someone has reached in and ripped your soul out of your body. It’s not fun.

3. Extreme Fatigue (The 500 Pound Lead Suit)

Picture yourself wearing full body armor made of lead. You try to go about your daily activities, but every movement requires tremendous effort. You want to move. You try your best to move. It’s just completely exhausting. No matter how hard you try, you seem unable to take off your lead body armor. It only removes itself when it feels like it.

4. Self Loathing (Tied With a Rope to Someone You Really Dislike)

What if that person you can’t stand being around, that person you have a hard time finding good qualities in, that person you just can’t seem to like was tied to you with a 3-foot-long rope for an entire day?

“No way in hell,” you are probably thinking. Well, if you suffer from depression, that person is tied to you permanently. That person is yourself. It is a very sad, but very true, reality of depression. During the majority of a depressive episode, the sufferer thinks very negatively about themselves, and they might even have feelings of self-hatred.

5. Guilt (A Body Covered in Long Whiskers That Bug Everyone Around You)

Imagine you walk through the mall, or attend a family function, and all of a sudden your body grows huge, prickly whiskers that poke at everyone around you. You’d feel the need to apologize an awful lot. You’d probably feel pretty bad. Guilty. Guilty for being your prickly, whiskery self.

Depression doesn’t make a person grow whiskers, of course, but it certainly brings on constant, tremendous feelings of guilt. It makes you feel as though you are letting everyone down, that everyone is annoyed at, or disappointed by, you.

6. Physical Discomfort (The Constant Hangover)

Headache. Body Aches. Joint Pain. Nausea. Dizziness. If it gets bad enough, depression makes you feel like you have a constant hangover. If you haven’t experienced a hangover, think of how you feel when you are coming down with the flu.

Many cases of depression/anxiety are diagnosed only after the patient has sought medical help for physical symptoms. (I myself was one of those cases.) Those “Depression Hurts” commercials do not lie.

7. Confusion (A Partially Soundproof, Translucent Glass Box)

If you spent an hour surrounded by glass that was hard to see through and hard to hear through, and you tried to go about life as usual, things would get pretty darn confusing.

Depression often feels exactly like this. Focusing on anything becomes very hard. You find yourself holding your head in your hands all the time. Your vision literally blurs, and you have a hard time understanding what anyone is talking to you about. This confusion just increases other symptoms, like irritability and fatigue.

8. Strong Desire to Hide (Avoiding a Persistent Telemarketer)

You know that feeling you have when you see a telemarketer’s number on the call display? Someone with depression feels this way pretty much all of the time. They don’t want to answer the phone, or the door. They don’t want to go get groceries; they don’t want to go to your party. All they really want to do is hide under the covers and stop pretending everything is alright. They want to hide away so they can be depressed without fear of judgment or feelings of guilt.

9. Dread (A Colonoscopy Is Looming, Every Minute of Every Day)

I think it’s safe to say nobody out there looks forward to the day they need a colonoscopy. When you suffer from depression, you always feel like something unpleasant lies in the near future. Dread. Dread for reasons you can’t explain. In fact, knowing the dread was caused by an approaching colonoscopy would probably be an improvement over the nonspecific, sinking, scared feeling you often wake with, eat lunch with, and go to bed with when you suffer from depression.

10. Hopeless/Trapped (Drowning)

Imagine you are trapped in a tank of deep water. You tread water for a long time. You start getting tired. You aren’t sure how much longer you’ll be able to keep your head above water. You try to stay afloat, try to conserve your energy and pray someone will come along and help you. Time ticks on. You are so tired. You sink below the surface, hold your breath for as long as you can.

Nobody is coming to save you because nobody notices you need help. Desperately, you pull to the surface, gasp for air, sink back down again. You aren’t going to make it. You have lost all hope.

Depression is a very lonely, often desperate battle to feel alive.

But it doesn’t have to be lonely.

It doesn’t have to be hopeless.

There is plenty of help available for those suffering from depression. They just need to feel comfortable enough to seek it out. All of the stigma, the fear, the lack of empathy and understanding toward mental illness in our society needs to end.

The best thing you can do for someone with depression is let them know you believe them, and you are not afraid to talk with them about it openly and honestly.

You can be that arm that pulls them out of that tank of deep water with a few powerful words.

“I am here for you.”

“I am listening.”

“I believe you.”

Recap, part 1

Obviously there has been a huge gap between my last posts and now.  So much has happened, and I'm not just talking everyday things.  There have been some GINORMOUS life events.  In hopes of recapping, here's a short, but sweet, timeline of events.  I'm sure I will expand upon some of them at a later date.

*July 7, 2014 - My husband and I found out we did not get custody of the kids.  However, Z was emancipated.

*July 12, 2014 - My husband cheats on me with TB.

*July 25, 2014 - The kids' last day at our house after summer visitation.  My husband informs me he doesn't see his future including me.  We talk and he agrees to work on our marriage.

*July 27, 2014 - My husband cheats again with TB before coming home to me to have family time with the kids.  He's affectionate with me.

*July 28-August 12, 2014 - Lots of talking with the husband.  Find out he's developing feelings for someone but it's not been physical.  We agree we shouldn't be husband and wife but have no plans to divorce.  We will still be family for the kids.  Lots of compromising on my part but I want to do everything I can to keep my family, even though, in hindsight, "my family" didn't really include my husband any longer.

*August 13, 2014 - The truth comes out about the physical relationship.

*August 13-September 1, 2014 - We fine tune what our relationship now looks like.  He agrees to help me stay in our home until K graduates from high school (May 2017) and we will share visitation time together with the children.  We move Z into college to begin his Freshman year.  Other than that, he will continue his relationship with his girlfriend TB, living with her in another town.

*September 2, 2014 - After time with TB, he comes home to change everything and take away all he'd promised me.  He gives me until the end of the year to figure out how I can support myself and the household.  If I cannot do that, he will kick me out.  I fly into a rage and do something I will regret for the rest of my life.  He then gives me until the end of the month.  Realizing I cannot make that happen, my mom and stepfather agree to let me move in with them - in a different city 180 miles from my home.

*October 4, 2014 - I move to Omaha.

I will continue this at a later date.  It's a good place to stop since the coming changes deal less and less with the dissolution of my marriage and focuses on my family of three - me, Z, and K.  

Staying positive

Depression is a common condition; an estimated 10 percent of Americans will suffer from depression at some time in their lives. I suffer from clinical depression. Depression overwhelmed my life with feelings of loneliness, negative thoughts and emotions; I had difficulty going to work, talking to friends and family. My energy levels both emotional and physical were low. My life spiraled out of control. Eventually medication and hospitalization were necessary. They helped stabilize my condition, but staying positive while recovering from depression was difficult. My medication brought some relief, but I spiraled back into deep depression twice, at great cost to my life. I found that staying positive was the only effective way to overcome depression.

How do you stay positive while depressed?

It is difficult. Depression in itself brings negative thoughts; even medication will only ease some of those thoughts. In addition, the stigma, the financial, social and career problems caused by depression left me feeling hopeless. Staying positive is critical to a complete recovery. I keep a small notebook. I record negative thoughts and emotions that occur during my day. I record the time of day, and what I was doing. Then, each night I go through my notebook and look for patterns, or triggers to the negative thoughts and emotions. I replace the negative thought in my journal with a positive one that I wished or could have thought. The negative thoughts cause the negative emotions, so the idea is to train or reprogram your mind to have positive thoughts, which in turn create positive emotions. By writing down the negative thoughts and developing a plan for how to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, I was ready for them when they occurred.

Negative thoughts overwhelm me; I can't get them out of my mind let alone replace them with positive thoughts. What can I do?

It's like a catch 22. I needed to stop thinking negatively, but my brain wanted to hold on to the negative thoughts. I wanted a break from it. I found two things that brought relief from constant flow of negative thoughts and emotions I was experiencing- laughter and exercise. I developed a routine that incorporated both into my life. As my routine progressed, relief from the negative thoughts lasted longer. My ability to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts increased, and instead of spiraling down deeper into depression, I progressed further up into happiness

Laugh? All I want to do is cry, How can I laugh?

For me, it was watching sitcoms. They brought a half-an hour or so of relief everyday. I watched them before going to work, and after work, eventually my overall mood improved and the people around me reacted more positively to me. It was like a chain reaction, I became happier. I started the day happy and ended it with a smile. I stopped watching dramas and the news. Both paint a depressing picture of the world. What worked for me may not work for you. You might try having dinner with a fun friend, writing a funny story, playing with your dog or cat, but laugh. The old saying, laughter is the best medicine holds especially true for depression.

Exercise? I have no energy, it is a struggle to get out of bed, how do I exercise?

The key, start slowly. First, I walked around the block, and added a few steps each day. Eventually I was could walk three miles. I picked a pleasant route. So that I it was a pleasurable journey. I picked one with lots of people, trees and relaxing scenery. After the walk, I rewarded myself. The walks cleared my mind from the emotional clutter. My energy levels increased; I could walked further each day, and my outlook on life improved. The important thing is to start small, and get a routine going. Walking worked for me, but swimming, biking, running, even household chores, might work for you, but get your body moving.

Staying positive while depressed is critical for recovery. When overwhelmed with negative emotions It's difficult to stay positive, but it's something you must do. Three of the most effective ways to stay positive while depressed are journaling, laughing and exercising.

____________________
Greg Johnson offers more information, tips and advice on his website. You will find a short depression quiz, a depression toolkit, facts on symptoms, types of depression, treatments, and A to Z guide on depression. To get your free downloadable PDF guide go to: http://depressionhelpandinformation.com/

Nine things that are really eight

The Huffington Post shared "9 Things Only People With Depression Can Truly Understand" and I found it to be a wonderful and accurate article.  Below are the 9 things, which only list 8 so that totally messes with my OCD-ness.

1. The frustration that comes when someone suggests you can "snap out of it."
2. People constantly confusing depression with sadness.
3. There is no such thing as a little victory.
4. Lack of energy means more than your run-of-the-mill afternoon slump.
5. There are physical symptoms -- and they're just as taxing as the emotional ones.
6. Things that used to be fun aren't quite as enjoyable.
7. The difficulty that comes with communicating your emotions.
8. The disorder is not one-size-fits-all.

Depression is misunderstood and as someone who deals with it on a daily basis, I find myself trying to explain what depression is and what it is not all too often.  Hopefully soon, it will be better understood by the masses.

Robin Williams

I am now painfully aware that no matter how much balance I find within myself, that I am still in danger, that I need to be constantly vigilant, and that my struggle could gain strength at any moment.

Until our society aggressively, strongly addresses mental illness, until we move it from a side issue to a real issue, until we give it the same priority as other illnesses… I will still have that fear. I will still shake my head at what is often a death-by-disease that we call suicide.

And we will all still need to speak up.

The above quote is from the article Robin Williams Didn't Kill Himself.  It discusses how his mental illness is what killed him.  It's true.

I've attempted suicide.  I was in that place where I was hopeless, the disease was too much, and I simply could not fight anymore.  I also didn't want to fight anymore.  

I'm glad I wasn't successful...with any of my attempts.

There are still days that I want to die.  I want to give up and just not have to deal anymore.  But this is different.  I have no intention of doing anything to end my life.  I don't have any plans on how I could end my life.  I don't really want to die...I just want the pain and agony and depression to stop.  I want to know what it feels like to not battle it day in and day out All.  The.  Time.

But I never know what could happen.  Is there something that could trigger me into trying?  Could circumstances lead me to making plans? 

I am in constant danger.  I need to fight every moment of every day.  I need to reach out when I start drowning in the illness.  I need to be hyper-vigilant.

It's all I can do.  

The death of Robin Williams is terribly sad.  His battle with mental illness was known and many couldn't see how the funny, wealthy, adored man could be so troubled.  Mental illness, among numerous other diseases/illnesses, are invisible disabilities.  You generally cannot see that something is wrong.  And because you cannot be visually reminded that there is a real disease, it becomes even more difficult to understand.

I would guess he had good days and bad days.  Everyone does.  Mental illness can make the bad days even worse, the good days barely okay, or even flip it back and forth between the two extremes.

Mental illness is a real disease.  It needs to be treated as such.  It can be just as tragic and debilitating as any other disease.  It affects the person with the disease and it affects their families and friends.  I can impact each and every part of their life.

I'm doing my part and speaking up and speaking out. I have to.

I had a black dog

Fitting for my emotions right now

I've always loved this song.  Video and lyrics below.

"House of Sin" by Beth Hart

Violins hear em play
On the fence where I lay
It’s where I lay
Tumble down to the ground
Watch em crash not a sound
There’s no sound

And you say that it don’t matter to me
And you say that all this love’s for free
And you say it don’t matter to me
It don’t matter to me

Take me down
From consciousness
Hold me now
In decadence
Lay me in
Your house of sin
Take me down
There’s no sound

Hold me now
I’m breaking in
Consciousness
House of sin
Somebody swim
Tumble down onto my knee
Watch it burn
Hold your scream
Somebody sing

And you say it’s nothing to me
And you say that all this war’s for free
And you say still it ain’t nothing to me
And I would never agree

So take me now
From consciousness
Hold me now
In decadence
Lay me in
Your house of sin
Take me down
Take me now
There’s no sound

Just look around
Your consciousness is fuckin weak
Just look around
Violins screaming at your feet
Just look around
You’re slurring everytime you speak

So...

I haven't done a personal post in a while.  It's mostly because there is nothing to say about me or my life...at least nothing that relates to my mental illness issues.  Since this blog is dedicated to that, I don't want to ramble on and on about my friends or pets or family.

I had a checkup with my doctor on September 20.  It was one of those med review things.  I'm at a difficult point in my "recovery/fight/struggle".  My meds work.  I don't feel bad and have more good days than bad days.  Life in my head is starting to even out some and is less chaotic and I generally know what to expect.  But, I still have bad days.  And I still struggle.  And there are still times that my depression stops me from doing things.

This is a difficult point because I am topped out dosage-wise on my Zoloft.  It cannot be increased anymore.  According to the dr. the med he would usually add on would be Wellbutrin but that doesn't work for me, in fact, it makes things worse.  With Zoloft he doesn't really like the other combos.  So, we would be looking into trying a new med and dropping the Zoloft.

That scares me.  In a way, my Zoloft is a security blanket.  I know what it does for me and how it affects me.  I know which side effects I usually see.  We know each other and are friends.  A new med is starting over.  A new med is potential success or failure.

Because I have been dealing with this for 17 years and have been treating it with medication for 14 years, there are several drugs I have tried that didn't work for me.  Most of those are now offered in generic form.  I still do not have health insurance or a job so we have to budget.  And generic drugs are generally affordable.  If we bump up into the non-generic drugs, things get pricey.  Yes, there are programs available that can offer some help.  And, yes, there is the potential that I can get free samples from the doctor.  But...

I do know that I'm going to do what is best for me.  Even if that means the expensive meds.  Me getting better and leading the best life I can, despite my depression and anxiety, is the priority.

So the dr. and I talked.  He asked me what I wanted to do.  I told him I would like to stay on my current meds.  I want to do this because I feel like I'm finally even and predictable/stable and want to see if that is the kind of existence that I can enjoy.  I need to figure out how to "do me" in my current situation and see if it enough. 

I go back in 6 months and we go from there. 

Born crazy

I'm spending the next week in Omaha with my family so this is a super appropriate picture. 

I want to make it clear that I'm not blaming my parents in any way for my depression.  Well, maybe my dad a little since it runs in his family and if there is some sort of gene that carries depression then he would be a likely culprit.  Besides, the type of depression I have isn't caused my some external force. 

Anyway, I arrived on Friday and have been having a pretty relaxing time so far.  I came here to help my mom go through some things since she and my step dad (who I am now calling Dado which is a combination between Dad and his name) are trying to downsize some.  Some of what we will be going through will be mine - dolls and stuff from my childhood plus my baby book, christening outfit and other items a mother saves for her baby.  The rest of the stuff we will be going through will be items my mother will try to pawn off on me.  There's a good chance she will use some guilt tactics, mostly in fun, but I'm worried that I may not take it in that manner.  I just hope that if I react poorly, I can explain to her why in a way that she can understand.

I'm staying here until noon-ish on Tuesday.  Then I head to my dad's house to stay with him and his wife until Friday.

*insert daunting and potentially scary music here*

Don't get me wrong, I have had many wonderful visits with my father.  Most of the time he is very good-natured and jovial.  But, when things go boom, the damage is epic. 

The atmosphere is not overly relaxing.  It's tense and all about the outside appearance - clean house, nice clothes, perfection.  It is so not me.  This will be the longest time I have spent with my dad in a while.  Usually when we are in Omaha, the time is split between my two sets of parents, sometimes between my two sets of current parents and my step mom.  So no one really gets a lot of time.  And even if they do get a lot of time, it's a weekend trip where we arrive late-ish Friday and leave shortly after lunch on Sunday. 

I'm going to hope for the best but rehearse through my coping mechanisms in order to prepare for the worst.

Disruption

(I started this post on July 20, 2013 and I just proof-read it today.  I could add to it but I'm not in the same place I was then so my feeling and thoughts wouldn't be as authentic.)

More than anything, I get angry and frustrated when my depression and/or panic attacks screw up my life. It happened again last night/today.

We were to go to my husband's grandmother's birthday today. It was hosted by my mother-in-law. 

I couldn't go. Starting around 8 pm Friday evening, I was building into a panic attack. I took an Ativan and did some exercises to try to calm myself. It worked...a little. 

Tried to go to bed but panic attacks kept waking me. Took another Ativan and worked through some exercises. Attempted to go to sleep again. I was asleep for maybe 20 minutes when another panic attack hit. It was almost midnight. 

I tried most everything in my bag of tricks but nothing seemed to make enough of a difference to allow me any real relief or sleep. Off and on sleep and panic attack cycle started. All night long. 

When my husband's alarm went off, I was beyond frazzled.  I was maxed out on Ativan until 8 pm that evening and the panic was already swelling.  There was no way I would be able to attend the party.  In another place.  With a lot of people.  A distance from my home and comfort zone.

So I had to cancel. 

He made my apologies and most understood. 

This is one of the worst things about my illness. 

Like drowning

 

Right now, I'm drowning.  My soul hurts.  I am done on every level - emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual.  

I am downing because someone I love passed away.  Her void is felt already.  Her passing leaves my step father without any parents.  My heart is breaking for him.  I don't know how to console him.  Words simply do not come.  All I can do is offer to help out as best I can, to transport my brother, to be the charming hostess at the wake.  To remind him that I love him.  And that I am here.

I am downing because a child decided to end her own life. The child - this 19 year old child - was once like a daughter to me.  But then her mother and I dissolved our friendship.  I checked with the family to see if it would be okay for me to attend her funeral.  Her mother said she would be uncomfortable with me there.  So I will respect her wishes and not attend.  My heart is breaking.  The last interaction I had with this child was very positive.  But, out of respect, which is the same respect I showed by asking in the first place, I will honor the wishes of her mother.  I don't need to attend a funeral to pay my respects and honor the life of this child.  I do wish I could go though.

I'm downing because I am stressed.  So much is going on and I have so very little control over much of it.  I'm not good when I don't have some bit of control.  I have a ritual that I will be leading this coming weekend.  It's on finding and utilizing your inner peace.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to write about peace when you feel none?  Seriously, fuck peace and just let me get through the day without losing it and let me get through the night without waking in a cold sweat, on the edge of a panic attack, and with the looming night terrors still swimming in my brain.

I am downing because I'm tired and when I'm tired, I find it even more difficult to hold myself together.  I don't know how to deal with the sleepiness AND depression or stress or anxiety.  When I'm tired, I just do my best to get through the day and tackle the one most important task of that moment.

I'm downing.  And I wish it was literal instead of figurative.*

*I am not going to kill myself or attempt to harm myself in any way.  No worries. 

Two hundred

This is my 200th post.  It's hard to believe that I've posted that many times in less than a year.  Yes, a lot of it is fluffy filler stuff but it was still pertinent to me and my on-going battle.  Without a doubt, I have named my blog appropriately since it has been quite the roller coaster of a life. 

I'm getting better. Every day is a struggle and I never know if it will be a good day or a bad day.  I don't know if I will be able to participate in my own life in an active manner or if I will be stuck in my bed.  But I do keep going.

Keeping going, trying to progress, is all I can do.  It is the one thing that I have any sort of power over.  Each day I wake up and choose to fight.  I make the decision to not give up and to not give in to the depression.  Some days it may look like I'm not doing much towards my recovery and some days that is true.  But every day I am trying, taking steps in a positive direction.  Those steps are sometimes tiny, barely perceptible and sometimes they are giant leaps.  I will take anything I can as long as it is in the right direction.  

Depression is terrible

I don't want to compare depression and cancer because they are two completely different things.  But they do affect your life in similar ways in that they change so many aspects and can destroy you.  There are treatments for both, none of which are guaranteed to work.   Both are capable of killing you - quickly or slowly.  Both hurt in so many ways - physically, emotionally, and mentally.  You have the choice to fight it or let it win.  

I'm also not saying one is worse than the other.  Or that one is easier to have than the other.  

But the quote resonates with me.  

When someone has cancer, people know what to expect.  They understand what chemotherapy and radiation are meant to do to help the person with cancer and they may be aware of the potential side effects of such treatments.  People understand cancer. 

Many people do not understand depression or other forms of mental illness, at least not fully.  They don't know what to expect.  They don't know the processes to treat it.  

I hate the word good-bye

Li and her husband are almost completely moved.  Li is pretty much settled into the new house while her hubby and son are finishing up with cleaning and repairs.

I feel a bit lost.

We text almost daily and connect via email, Facebook, Google + very often.  Neither of us are phone people so that's only used when necessary.  We have a planned Skype date.  So it's not like I'm alone or anything but I just miss the crap out of her.

It's hard to explain how I feel about her and even more difficult to describe our relationship so I'm not going to try at this time.  She is one of the best friends I've ever had.  I know that we will never NOT be friends.

Missing her and thinking about the fact that she no longer lives close to me, makes me sad.  Those feelings are not pushing my depression further into the bad space, but they do grin their little smug faces at me when I'm already having a rough day.

With time, the pain will lessen.  This will be especially true if we do stay in contact the way we are planning.  Like many parts of my life, it is a wait-and-see thing.

Best and worst things to say

I found this list a few days ago.  I've read through most of it.  I have mixed thoughts about the list, feeling some are absolutely dead on while many others are so far off that I cringed.  For the most part, the best things to say list was accurate.  The intro to the best things to say section nailed it for me:

It is most tempting, when you find out someone is depressed, to attempt to immediately fix the problem. However, until the depressed person has given you permission to be their therapist (as a friend or professional), the following responses are more likely to help the depressed.

The things that didn't make me feel worse are words which 1) acknowledge my depression for what it is (Not 'it's just a phase') 2) give me permission to feel depressed (Not 'but why should you be sad?')

The worst section was prefaced with this:

Some people trivialize depression (often unintentionally) by dropping a platitude on a depressed person as if that is the one thing they needed to hear. While some of these thoughts have been helpful to some people (for example, some find that praying is very helpful), the context in which they are often said mitigates any intended benefit to the hearer. Platitudes don't cure depression.

If you share you life with someone with depression, read through the lists.  Maybe you've said some of the worst things to say and maybe you haven't.  It doesn't matter now.  Going forward, be mindful of your thinking and your words. 

If you don't know anyone with depression, you probably will at some point in your life.  The list is good for everyone to read so give it a shot.

Week 2

I've been Wellbutrin free for 2 weeks.  I'm still not feeling much of a difference one way or the other so I'm really not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing...or maybe a nothing.  As I'm mentioned, I have no clue how long it will take for the Wellbutrin to be completely out of my system so I don't exactly have a timeline to base my responses, or lack thereof, to the change.  I shall just keep trucking and tracking and go from there.

This past weekend, my hubby and I had planned to make a quick trip to Omaha to pick up some furniture from my dad and stop by to visit with my mom.  We ended up not going at all.  My husband hadn't been feeling all that well and after a crazy long shift at work on Saturday, he was wiped out.  I also wasn't feeling all that great (allergies or a cold like my husband had) plus my anxiety issues were flaring up.  I hate that we didn't go but it was best for us to stay home and rest so we could both feel better. 

My sleep schedule has been all sorts of wonky.  Since I've not been feeling so great, I've been sleeping a little more than normal.  I've also been dealing with many sleepless nights which result in sleeping too much during the day.  It's a vicious cycle that is difficult to end.  I did get to sleep around midnight last night and was up just before 5:00 am.  I didn't get enough sleep or the sleep I need to be doing well, but I'm going to attempt to stay up all day with the hopes of resetting my schedule.  The hope is that I'll be able to go to bed tonight at a normal time and wake the following day at a normal time. 

In one week, Li will be moving to another state.  I'm going to miss her so incredibly much and am dreading the day.  She is one of my best friends and we have this weird bond that I have never felt with other friends.  I really don't know how to describe it in a way that would make sense and be accurate.  I know we will still be in contact and have even planned a get together, but I'm going to miss knowing that I cannot see her at the drop of a hat.  I'm going to miss her hugs the most.

All of the above are contributing to my overall feeling of blah.  I'm feeling a bit anxious and a bit weepy.  I'm a little impatient, rather moody, and just...nothing.  I don't like feeling this way but it is much better than the highly negative way I could be experiencing at the moment. 

Get back up after you fall

Good advice, as usual, from Tiny Buddha.  Much is very familiar to me and I do my best to employ these techniques but a reminder is always good.

Getting Back up After You Fall:  Healing From Depression by Elena Sabourova

“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” ~Theodore Rubin

Growing up I was a thoughtful and happy kid—carefree, easy going, not afraid to make mistakes and take on challenges.

Just before I turned 13, my parents moved our family halfway across the world where we knew no one.

I adjusted well, made friends, and felt content and successful in my pursuit of whatever I decided was worth pursuing. I was strong and confident. I worked hard, laughed easily and often, and felt as if I had the good life all figured out.

Then shortly after I turned 25 a severe depressive episode hit me like a ton of bricks. Looking back, I can see how it came about, how several traumatic events stacked upon themselves until I finally collapsed under their weight, but at the time I felt annihilated, ploughed over, and destroyed virtually overnight.

I spent the next nine months steeped in profound physical, emotional, and mental anguish.

The shame was the worst part.

Despite years of evidence to the contrary, when I couldn’t get myself off the couch for months, when I couldn’t enjoy any activity, and when I couldn’t smile genuinely at anyone or anything, I truly thought that this was my actual self, my real personality—that I was boring, unmotivated, useless, a loser, an anomaly; that I was weak, and that all of this was my fault.

Essentially, depression lies to you—about everything. And when you are used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realize that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality.

It’s hard not to trust your thoughts and it’s hard to sit and mull over what is true and what isn’t, but it’s an important exercise, even you only do it in small doses at first.

There is a light in you that never goes out.

Even through the worst of it, there was a tiny sliver of me that knew that something was wrong, that I needed to deal with this, that this was unhealthy and that this wasn’t me.

And that minuscule grain of clarity is what kept me up researching what I was going through, hatching plans, seeking advice, and gaining traction. I had to nourish that voice bit by bit, and I went days without hearing it, but it was always there.

Controlling my environment was essential to making progress. Below are the five most prominent lessons I have learned thus far:

1. Accept what is happening.

Acceptance is not surrender; it is simply the opposite of refusal. It is true that admitting you have a problem is the first step in making a change. The energy you expend violently opposing the possibility that you are depressed is energy better spent seeking a solution to that possibility.

Acceptance is difficult, especially in a world where depression is still a dirty word. But it is crucial.

2. Disengage from those who make you feel worse.

While no one can fix your struggle for you, those that can’t be helpful are likely to be hurtful. When I was in the thick of my rock bottom, I was in a relationship with a person who could not and would not understand me. When that relationship ended, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders—the weight of his anxiety, the weight of his expectations and anticipation.

The break up was painful, but the benefit of having him out of my life could not be denied. I felt lighter; I felt like I could take things at my own pace without someone hovering around, waiting for me to return to my absolutely most awesome self. And having the space to do things on my own timeline has made doing them so much easier.

3. Talk to your people.

For most of my life I took pride in doing things myself, and while I never had a problem offering help, I had trouble asking for it.

When I finally mustered up the courage to start talking about what I was going though, I couldn’t stop. And I was surprised at the reception all that talking got.

My friends and family didn’t tell me to shut up and get over it; they didn’t scold me for burdening them with my problems. They listened patiently, encouraged me to get it all out, and a brave few even shared similar struggles with me.

It was so freeing, so loving. And it made it easier to see that my experience was just another life challenge, not some deeply-seated, irreversible character flaw. I cannot emphasize enough the value of having blisteringly honest conversations with those you trust. They are medicine for the soul.

4. Know when to get professional help and don’t be afraid to do it.

My attitude toward therapy used to be “That’s nice, but it’s not for me.”

It took awhile to realize that this was nothing but fear of the unknown steeped in judgment—judgment that therapy was for the weak, and that being weak was unacceptable; fear of what was out there, what was possible.

Long before I dipped my toes into the professional counselling pool myself, I came to see that speaking to someone about your darkest troubles is courage exemplified.

Many people never get to that point of cognition and spend years going around in the vortex of their own mind, trying to figure out what’s “wrong” with them. Sometimes it takes a professional to bust through that wall—so what?

We don’t think twice of seeing a family doctor for a sore throat or a physiotherapist for an aching ankle. Don’t spend too much time agonizing about the fact that you might need to see a therapist. Just do it, trust me.

5. Treat your body well.

I hated this piece of advice when I came across it on a daily basis in my quest to dig myself out of my mental hellhole. But the reason it’s out there so much is because it’s a fundamental must.

A malnourished body cannot power your mind well. Will running cure your depression? Doubtful. But exercising and eating well is like proper car maintenance. You can get away with not doing it for a while, but soon enough the consequences of prolonged neglect will catch up with you.

And you don’t have to turn into a gym rat overnight. In fact, I encourage you to take the smallest baby steps you can muster.

I went through many rounds of different workouts, different meal plans, different vitamins and I do not count any of that effort as time wasted. They were all building blocks, trials and errors to get me to a place where I can feed myself well and exercise on a consistent enough schedule without much effort.

Time is not running out; take as much of it as you need to get yourself to this point. It’s a process.

Lastly, as impossible as it may seem, know that such turbulence in life does eventually lead to a greater appreciation and understanding of things. Money couldn’t buy the emotional depth I’ve gained over the last year, and if I had the option of wiping all I went through from my memory, I wouldn’t.

I know what it’s like to be in the thick of things. I know it’s almost indescribable. It’s abstract and painful and heavy, and every other adjective in existence. But you must know that you will get through it. Chipping away, bit-by-bit, inching forward at a pace that’s fast enough for you, you’ll figure it out.

This is how depression looks on me

This is me, a week or so ago.  And this is what depression looks like on me. 

Am I happy? 

Am I sad? 

Am I anxious or nervous or crying? 

No.

I'm also not putting on a mask. 

The expression on my face is exactly how I felt in the moment even though I was going through a tough time and having a massive spike in my depression.  Perhaps 20 minutes later, I would have been smiling, my eyes crinkled in joy.  Or I could have been sobbing into my pillow.

Depression isn't always depicted by tears or sorrow written all over my face.  I don't have to be curled into the fetal position, rocking myself for comfort to indicate I'm depressed.   I can be smiling and laughing and seemingly enjoying the moment and still have the dark clouds swarming through my mind. 

What I'm trying to point out is that you cannot tell by looking at me, at any given moment, if I am struggling.  My facial expressions and body posture can clue you in to what is going on within my mind but neither are definite correlations to what is going on in there.  Crying doesn't automatically equal depression, just as laughter doesn't always equal happiness.  Just because I'm sleeping more than normal is not a warning that I'm about to crash. 

If you want to know how I'm doing, ask me. 

P.S. The same goes when I'm having a panic attack or in a panic mode.  You cannot tell by looking at me.  Changes in my body language, mood, expressions mean very little to indicate what may or may not be going on inside my mind.  

Accurate picture of me today

The day has not improved. 

I'm still in that indescribable funk of depression and despair.

I didn't call the doctor.

Here's to the hope that tomorrow will be better...or at least not worse.

Something has to give soon. 

There must be a break.

I just hope that it isn't me who breaks.

To try or not to try...is that even a question?

"You won't know until you try."

"Just give it a try."

"It doesn't hurt to try."

"What have you got to lose?"

We say the above statements all the time. They are meant to prod and encourage. It's a motivator in a sense. It is said to remind others that trying is acceptable and that it's okay if you don't succeed or win or finish or whatever. And that's true and a good attitude to possess.

But...

What if trying does more harm than good? What if you put yourself out there and the result is best labeled as an epic failure? Should you still try it?

It's a contradiction. I'd tell my step kids and my husband and my friends to give it a shot. For many things in my own life, I would be hearing the inner dialogue prompt me to try. After all nothing ventured is nothing gained. Right?

However if venturing not only doesn't gain anything but also sets you back or renders you helpless or defeats your will and soul and introduces paralyzing anxiety back into your life and turns you into a zombie-like shell where even your husband cannot find a flicker of light in your eyes, much less the woman he fell in love with and destroys every bit of sanity you possess and flings you so far down into a pit of despair and depression that you cannot even see the light at the opening of the pit much less return to it...

*gulp of air*

...should you still try?

For me, it comes down to fear. Plain and simple. I know "what ifs" aren't worth fretting over. I do know that. I'm keenly aware of that. I preach it to others and to myself. But still, I fret.

So much to lose and so much to gain. Does the want of what could possibly be gained trump the terror of what could possibly be lost? Is one "worth" more than the other? How to you place value on a potentially better life? And how do you decide if said value is greater than the value of sanity and positive mental health?

Do I try?

(I love this song - "Try" by P!nk.  The song is about love, but the chorus and last verse can be about anything.  They ring true for me.)