Hmm...

I don't have much to write about.  The meds aren't really helping.  Well, they are helping but I'm not to the point that I both need and want to be in my battle with mental illness.  I need them to boost me some. 

Still rather apathetic about most of life.  I'm experiencing emotions freely so that is still a good thing.  I'm not sad.  I'm not happy.  I just am.  Floating.  Flat-lining but not in the sense of the heart stopping and death.  Just a monotone beep that doesn't change for the good or for the bad.  It's a rather sucky way to live life but I could deal with it.  It is, at least, better than the alternative: the life I was experiencing prior to September and first getting back on my meds. 

I am taking better care of myself spiritually.  I meditate, write "morning pages", pray, and observe nature.  I do this daily.  It gives me a sense of peace.  I don't know if it is having any effect on my mental issues but it is helping my overall mood and general sense of contentment.  I also started a new class (Ritualist training) recently and am continuing with my other class (Feri book circle/class). 

On Sundays, I look at the classified for a job.  I want to work and need to work.  But the process isn't going very well.  I haven't really found a job that I'm qualified for or interested in or able to do.  I've yet to apply.  At the same time, the search brings on anxiety and I've worked myself out of a number of panic attacks.  I'm unsure if this means I'm not ready or just afraid or something completely different and/or totally irrelevant.  But I'm trying.  That's at least something.

Am I still spiraling?  I don't know.  If I am, it is even slower than it was nearly a month ago. 

I will keep on the 200 mg of Zoloft until March 27.  That will be three weeks.  Because it is already in my system, the increase should be working by them.  If there is no change, I have no clue what will be next to come. 

Seven days

As of today, I have been on Wellbutrin for seven days.  So far, I don't feel any different.  I know that it can take some time to get into my system but since it seemed like the Zoloft worked quite quickly, I was a bit hopeful. 

It is difficult waiting.  Once I decided to get back on my meds, I was ready to get going and start feeling better.  And I did initially but I wasn't where I really wanted to be.  So Dr. S added the Wellbutrin.  If it does what he thinks it will do, I am going to be in a very good position.  Crossing my crossables that he's correct. 

Everything else med-wise seems to be on track and working as it should.  I won't be recording my progress, or lack thereof, with the Wellbutrin weekly.  Monthly seems to make much more sense since that is what I'm going to switch to in order to monitor how I'm doing on my Zoloft.  Of course, should I see a difference and feel that it has kicked in, I will definitely make mention of that.

There was a job opening (might still be open) that I was contemplating submitting an application for.  It is part-time at a place I adore.  I did a lot of thinking and even though I may regret it, I didn't feel I was quite ready to put myself out there.  Actually, I was okay with putting myself out there but it was the fear of getting the job and failing miserably because of some depression or anxiety flare up.  I didn't want to burn that bridge or set myself up for a potential downward spiral since I'm still just teetering on the edge of being "okay."