Week 2

I've been Wellbutrin free for 2 weeks.  I'm still not feeling much of a difference one way or the other so I'm really not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing...or maybe a nothing.  As I'm mentioned, I have no clue how long it will take for the Wellbutrin to be completely out of my system so I don't exactly have a timeline to base my responses, or lack thereof, to the change.  I shall just keep trucking and tracking and go from there.

This past weekend, my hubby and I had planned to make a quick trip to Omaha to pick up some furniture from my dad and stop by to visit with my mom.  We ended up not going at all.  My husband hadn't been feeling all that well and after a crazy long shift at work on Saturday, he was wiped out.  I also wasn't feeling all that great (allergies or a cold like my husband had) plus my anxiety issues were flaring up.  I hate that we didn't go but it was best for us to stay home and rest so we could both feel better. 

My sleep schedule has been all sorts of wonky.  Since I've not been feeling so great, I've been sleeping a little more than normal.  I've also been dealing with many sleepless nights which result in sleeping too much during the day.  It's a vicious cycle that is difficult to end.  I did get to sleep around midnight last night and was up just before 5:00 am.  I didn't get enough sleep or the sleep I need to be doing well, but I'm going to attempt to stay up all day with the hopes of resetting my schedule.  The hope is that I'll be able to go to bed tonight at a normal time and wake the following day at a normal time. 

In one week, Li will be moving to another state.  I'm going to miss her so incredibly much and am dreading the day.  She is one of my best friends and we have this weird bond that I have never felt with other friends.  I really don't know how to describe it in a way that would make sense and be accurate.  I know we will still be in contact and have even planned a get together, but I'm going to miss knowing that I cannot see her at the drop of a hat.  I'm going to miss her hugs the most.

All of the above are contributing to my overall feeling of blah.  I'm feeling a bit anxious and a bit weepy.  I'm a little impatient, rather moody, and just...nothing.  I don't like feeling this way but it is much better than the highly negative way I could be experiencing at the moment. 

I'm an angry panda!

Last night was a bad night.  I was tired and thought sleep would be achieved semi-easily.  Guess again, buttercup.  I haven't slept yet.  I know I will need to sleep at some point today but I'm planning to wait as long as possible and then sleep for as little as possible.  That is my plan with the end result, in my thought process, being me able to fall asleep at a decent time tonight and then sleep well throughout the night.  Fingers are crossed.

I'm angry because I still have these down/bad days and moments.  I still feel worthless and sad, both in these times and because of them.  I want to give up.  I just want to crawl into bed and get a do-over.  I don't care about much of anything.  I cannot process my thoughts or vocalize them for someone to better understand what is going on in my head.  I want to cry, to yell, to break things. 

I want it all to end.*

When I talk about getting better, I mean that I want to not have these depression flare-ups - the kind that are not cause by a trigger and that I cannot just elect to deal with as I would with a bad situation getting me down. Yes, the down days are fewer and there is much more time between them.  And, in all honesty, they are very mild compared to some of them that I've experienced in the past. 

But they still mess with my life.

They still stop me from being a productive member of society on those days.  They prevent me from being the best wife, step mother, daughter, friend, etc. when the depression monster grabs hold.  I'm not me when this happens.  In fact, I barely recognize myself. 

*I have no intentions of taking my own life or harming myself in any way.  Yes, I feel like I want to die but I will not take any actions to do so.  I care too much about my life and the lives of my friends and loved ones to do that to myself, and ultimately, to them. 

Bad night

I'm having one of those bad nights. My brain will not shut up. My mind will not shut off. My thoughts are racing and I am helpless to make them stop. I haven't had a night like this in a long time.

Luckily, I've been able to keep the panic from escalating into a full-blown panic attack. Took an Ativan just to be on the safe side.

Hopefully I will be able to wind down soon and get some sleep.

Sweet dreams

Hubby is on the night shift again.  He leaves the house between 9:00 and 9:45 pm and is generally home around 8:00 am, 6:00 am at the earliest.  This has been working very well for me in regards to a sleep schedule.

Most nights, I'm going to bed as he is leaving, or shortly after.  I get up by 8:00 am at the latest but usually am up somewhere around 6:00 am.  I'm getting the sleep I need and feel rested throughout the day and only start to feel tired when it gets close to bedtime.  I'm no longer taking naps during the day.

Yesterday I had a massive headache and a very sore throat so I took a few smallish naps.  Doing so bit me in the ass come bedtime and I ended up not not being able to fall asleep until somewhere close to 4:00 am.  I did get up just after 8:00 am since the dogs decided they'd had enough sleep and wanted to get outside and then have some breakfast.  Small blessings for needy doggies who think their needs should come first. 

Since I didn't want to fall back into an up late, sleep in late sleep schedule, I got up and have been up all day.  I'm sure I will sleep well tonight.  I should but you never know what the body will decide to do at any given moment. 

I am really hoping to maintain this schedule.  I like it and it really works well for me and will continue to work well once my husband returns to his regular job and his typical hours.  I'm also hopeful that I will find a 9-5 type of job so I'll already have the sleep thing covered.

A sleep schedule...maybe

My husband is back on the night shift.  This means he leaves for work sometime between 8 and 10 pm and then gets home anywhere between 6 and 10 am.  It also means that I try to go to sleep after he leaves and then wake up when he gets home. 

So far (one day) it has worked well.  I'm hoping that it will continue and that I can maintain it.

Once I get that part of the routine set, I will work on the next step.

Three hundred thirty-six hours

Today is week two of being on Wellbutrin and still nada.  In fact, if anything, I feel a bit more bitchy and moody.  I don't know if this is because I'm settling in to my meds or what.  It's not bad but it's not exactly good either.

Motivation is still severely lacking.  I just really don't care much about doing anything or plans.  I'm doing what I can to stick to my schedules and obligations but I feel a cold coming on and that will put me out of commission for the most part until it runs its course.

Still feeling a bit hopeless about the Wellbutrin not working yet.  It's frustrating and my biggest fear is that it won't work and we will need to either up the Zoloft dosage or start playing medication roulette by starting over with hit and miss trials.  I really don't want to go through that again but I also want and need to get well.

Oh...that nice sleep schedule that I was maintaining?  Yep, totally fucked and gone now.  My husband's schedule is still funky and I haven't really done anything to remedy the sleeping/waking/alarm blaring situation so I'm staying up all night and then sleeping for a good part of the morning and some of the afternoon.

Something has to change and soon because I cannot deal with the sleep schedule.  And I'm hoping beyond hope that the Wellbutrin will kick in and work as the doctor thinks it will.  I don't go back to see him until January but he did say I could get scheduled to come in to see him if I was having issues.  I'm not having issues and won't even consider making an appointment until I've been on the Wellbutrin for at least eight weeks or something goes "bad" and I hit the scary place. 

New med

Started taking Wellbutrin today.  I know it will take a while to actually get into my system and start helping (or not helping...never know how these things will go) but I'm hopeful that it will be the kick I need.  I really do not want to start on a completely new drug regimen but will if that is the only option.  Gods, I hope it is not the only option.

Other than that, the sleeping schedule is back to a more so regular person schedule.  Most nights I get to bed between 10:00 pm and 11:00 pm and am usually up around 7:00 am.  This has been going on for the past several days.  Next week, my husband will be starting a "typical" schedule for his job where he has to be to work at 7:00 am.  This will help me with my sleep schedule since it's really just easier to go to bed when he does and wake up around the same time. 

I'm also, as per doctor's orders, to be working towards the healthy lifestyle that will help with my depression.  Part of this is to get on a sleep schedule so yay me.  I'm also supposed to start getting regular exercise and eating in a healthier way.  Anything else that promotes a healthier lifestyle is encouraged.  Since I no longer smoke and rarely drink alcohol and caffeinated beverages, I have a few of those "good" things checked off my life. 

Because I'm a list maker, I will be working on some goals for a healthier lifestyle list this weekend.  I know I will share it here because it makes sense and also, by making it public, makes me more accountable.  Yes, maybe no one will ever read my blog but I can still take accountability that someone could and may ask me about it.

Weird sleep schedule out of necessity

I've talked about how sleep is critical to my well-being and how it also acts as an indicator of a depression flare up.  I also mentioned how I tend to model my sleep patterns after my husband since I don't work and that he has a somewhat wonky work schedule lately and that it was to return to normal soon.  It didn't and doesn't appear that it will for at least two more weeks, if not until the end of the year.  Yes, YEAR!

Bloody hell...

Currently, he goes to work at 4:00 am.  That mean he goes to bed anywhere in the 7:00-9:00 pm time frame and his alarm goes off somewhere between 2:30 and 3:00 am.  He then has to hit snooze a few times, eventually crawl out of bed, get dressed for work and go about his morning routine in order by leave the home by 3:45 am.  Our two dogs, who share our bed, also wake up with him and then come back to bed. 

One of my sleep issues if that if I've been asleep for less than 60-90 minutes or more than 4 hours and then wake up for anything more than a trip to the bathroom, I'm typically up for at least several hours.  This happened when my husband started this new schedule.  I also slept through his alarm and got a blissful night of sleep but that was the exception rather than the rule.

His bed time was not working for me at all.  I'm a night owl and do my best everything then.  Besides, I had zero desire to wake up around 3:00 am and going to bed at that time would ensure that I was waking up at that time along with him.  It wasn't working so I made it work.

I now stay up until his alarm goes off.  I then spend some time with him and we chat while he goes through his morning routine.  After he leaves, I go to bed and generally sleep until 7:00 or 8:00 am when the dogs wake me up to go outside and have their breakfast.  We play around and within an hour, they are ready to cuddle so we head back to bed and get up around noon.  It's not perfect but I'm getting what feels like enough sleep.  I know that I'm getting enough to judge if increased sleep is out of need or a depression indicator.

What sucks is that if he continues on this weird schedule, it could actually change.  The contract he's working on requires that he and his co-worker fix a machine so it is ready for a certain shift.  When he worked the overnight shift, it was on machines for first shift.  This schedule he is working now is for the machines on second shift.  Who knows what machines they will be fixing next and so who knows what hours he will be working and sleeping.  All I do know is that I will adapt and make it work for me so I get the sleep I need.

Sleep

Changes in my sleep patterns have always been a good indicator of when my depression was getting worse.  I would sleep a lot.  I mean A LOT.  We are talking entire days and nights with waking moments to use the bathroom, tend to the dogs and maybe eat.

Over the years, I've also learned the importance of maintaining a sleep schedule to help keep my depression at bay.  Getting enough sleep (for me, this is eight-nine hours) helps me keep an even mood.  It also allows me to be at my best so I can do those things that I love, those things I should be doing and those things I must do.  All of these lead to a happier and healthier me.

Knowing this, and my seemingly life-long struggle with insomnia, I have found some over-the-counter medications that work really well for me.  I've been on various prescription sleep aids over the years but they always had downsides.  Often, they made me sleep too much (hello? that is one of my "here comes the depression" indicators), didn't allow me to wake up (oops, sorry job), made me feel hung over and groggy upon waking, or simply didn't work  at all.

So this miracle-for-me sleep aid is called Alteril.  I love it.  I helps me fall asleep, stay asleep and wake up easily to an alarm clock or with my body's natural rhythms.  It also doesn't leave me feeling hung over. 

Now, with all that being said, with all I know about the importance of sleep in my life and the need to keep a sleep schedule, it is totally non-existent at the moment.  My husband has been working the over-night shift.  He's on his second week of doing this.  It's not that I cannot sleep without him here, but I like to be awake when he's here so I tend to adopt his schedule.  Not good considering I do have a few daytime obligations from time to time.  It's been up and down and really crazy.

I also know I'm in the grips of a pretty intense downward spiral so the depression monster is telling me to sleep in order to not have to deal with anything.

Crap.

Seems my husband will have this week and next on the night shift and then he will be back to something more typical.  By that time, I will also be starting my anti-depressants.  This will work out.  I know it will.  Just need to hold on until that time.