three nine

I turned 39 yesterday.  I don't feel any different except for the thought that 40 is no longer years away.  It is now months, weeks, and days away.  Part of my has this dread about 40.  The other part of me, it doesn't care in the least.  I'm not the type of person to fib about my age.  I figure I have earned each and every year of my life so why not acknowledge that. 

Not really noticing any difference since I've been off the Wellbutrin.  Today will be day number nine without it.  I don't know how long it will stay in my system once I stop ingesting it.  Maybe I should look that up.  I figure it is anywhere between two and twelve weeks.  My rationale is that it takes at least two weeks to feel any effects of the medicine in your body and that it should be fully integrated into your system by twelve weeks.  Seems the same would also go for getting it out of your system. 

Had a very intense weekend.  I went through a 2-day training and it wore me out - mentally, emotionally, and physically.  There was a bit of a ginormous kick in the gut Saturday night where my inner-self and all that I hold dear and feel is a part of my core being was exposed, brought into question, and demolished.  It wasn't literally demolished and I still retain all those things but I need to do some more processing to get to the heart of the revelation. 

The basic gist of said revelation is that to embrace the Shanda I am meant to become, I must rid myself of all my attachments.  These attachments are my life.  The attachments include my husband, my step kids, my parents, my siblings, my pets, my friends.  Let's not forget my home and all that I value and hold dear. 

Say what?!?!

I'm not to have anything - physical, emotional, spiritual, moral, ethical, etc. - holding me back.  Nothing.

Hello?!?!

My connections to these things are so important to me.  While they don't necessarily define me, they do make up a great deal of my core being.  My spirit and soul are linked to the connections and attachments I form in my life.  I hold them as sacred and place enormous value on them.

A huge scary realization that came along with this revelation is about suicide/death.  I believe that I've talked about this in the past.  If not, please do not freak out.  I am NOT suicidal.  I have NO PLANS to end my own life or do harm to myself.  Anyway, there are moments that I wish I would just die.  This is because everything in my head is just becoming too much.  I don't feel like I can handle it and make it through another moment.  I want the depression to end.  The only way to truly end my depression is for my life to end.  This is why I sometimes want to die.

However, I would never kill myself.  I wouldn't do that to my friends, my family, and my loved ones.  Suicide is selfish and I couldn't take that route.  I know I won't ever end my own life because I don't want to hurt those people I would leave behind.

Those people I have connections with and attachments to.

(See where I'm going with this?)

So, if I have no more connections and no more attachments, does that mean I would be willing to end my own life? Honestly, I do not know.  I really, really want to say that I wouldn't but I cannot know until I have been in that situation.  And since I don't see myself giving up those attachments and connections, you can rest assured that I will still be here in the morning...and the next day...and the next year...and for however long I'm meant to live this life. 

As I said, I'm still processing this information.  Some bits I've started to see as methods to detach from my connections make sense.  I don't need to officially rid myself of all those attachments but I do need to be able to adopt a mindset of detachment for certain aspects of my life.  This detachment may include a symbolic death of the old me so I can become what I'm meant to be.  Seems much more acceptable and possible to achieve. 

One less chemical

As of today, at least for now, I am no longer taking Wellbutrin.  As I've said before, I am very hopeful that everything will be improving.  I know nothing is guaranteed but I'm doing my best to maintain a positive outlook.

My husband believes he's seeing an improvement in my lately just with the decreased amount of Wellbutrin.  In this post, I briefly hit upon the craziness I elected to take on last week.  I didn't add the additional insanity that encompassed the weekend - 2 huge rituals.  I survived and didn't totally lose it once.  I didn't break down and I didn't flip into bitch mode.  I did require some extra recoup time in the form of sleep and solitude, but nothing more than usual.  Hubby pointed out that he didn't think I could have handled the five days of crazy as little as a week ago and I have to agree.  So either the decrease in Wellbutrin or just adjustments in life are making a difference.  Woot!

So, another day and one more moment to get life to where I want to be...where I know I can be. 

Coolness

I'm on the blogroll for Blog For Mental Health 2013!!

I think it's super cool.

See it here.  (It's in alphabetical order so head to the "r" area - The roller coaster life.)

Invitation

I'm sending out the link to more of the people I'm incredibly close to and trust.  As usual, I'm nervous about doing this but it is time.  I had planned to send out the first invites after my 50th post.  It didn't happen then but did happen around the 61st post in late November 2012 when I invited 6 people to view my blog. 

In December I invited one more.

I now have nearly 130 posts and am  sending out links to 9 people. 

I'm feeling good about the decision but a bit apprehensive. 

Taking a deep breath and pushing send...

Quickie

I haven't posted in a while and it is not because nothing has been going on.  Actually, quite a bit has been happening but I've just been unmotivated to up-date.  I don't really feel like playing catch up so I'm just going to do a few highlights.

Blu - My Blu ecig starter kit arrived.  It is perfect.  I smoke without the nicotine, tar, etc. and get to use it as a tension breaker and stress reliever.  I love it and I have really been able to cut down on my Ativan.

Driving - I'm currently house and pet sitting for my dad and his wife while they are on vacation.  I drove here by myself.  It's a huge accomplishment for me.  For one, I had to drive through Lincoln which meant lots of cars, lots of exits and more lanes of traffic.  I also had to drive in to Omaha and am driving around Omaha.  That means crazy traffic, unfamiliar areas and much more insanity.  But I'm doing okay.

I also had to make a fast trip back home on Sunday because my Katana was having anxiety issues.  We drove back to Kearney and then turned around to come back to Omaha.  I was gone from my father's house for just over seven hours, six of which were spent driving.

Meds - I've been on the 150 mg of Zoloft for just over a week now.  Nothing.  I need to call Dr. S and let him know.  Wonder what will happen next?

Out of my safe zone - Because I am house and dog sitting, I'm not in my familiar surroundings with my things and my life.  It stresses me out but, so far, I'm doing fairly well.  I will be here for at least five more days.  Keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have any issues.

Being busy and visiting people - During my time in Omaha, I have scheduled a visit to friends and family.  Every day I'm going to see someone.  This is also a little overwhelming for me but I put myself into this position.  I almost backed out of seeing a darling friend, her husband and the munchkins because I was feeling nervous and panicked.  But I didn't and I'm really glad that I went to see them.  It was good for my soul.

I might elaborate on some of the above blurbs at some point, but for now, it's a good record of issues and how I'm dealing with any problems that may arise. 

2013 Intentions and my 100th post

It is difficult for me to comprehend that this is my 100th post.  It doesn't seem possible that I've posted that much and had so much to say about my struggles with mental illness.  I feel like I've made a great deal of progress with understanding my depression.  And I hope that those who choose to read my blog have gained a deeper insight into my struggles and triumphs. 

In all honesty, I'm quite proud of myself and that isn't something I get to feel very often.

In this post, I shared my non-resolutions for the past year.  I finally got around to making my visual reminder for the coming year.  Here it is:

So far, I'm doing pretty well.  I hope to continue to reach towards incorporating them into my life. 

Christmas with the family 2012, part 3

(If you are interested, you can catch up by first reading part one and then part two.)
 
We got up the next day (Sunday) and started getting ready.  At one point during the week, I mentioned to my dad that we would try to be to his house, if we stayed the night with my mom, between 9:00 am and 10:00 am.  At 9:01 he called.

I didn't answer.

He left a voicemail and I checked it.  He was just wondering when we were coming over.  I did eventually call him back but it was probably an hour later. 

We got packed up and I sent my husband and the kids over to my dad's house.  I was going to ride with my step dad, brother and sister-in-law since my step dad wasn't completely sure where my had lived.  He knew the general area and I could have given him the address but really didn't want to deal with a potential travel issue like we had the day before. 

Me and my people arrived at my dad's house but my hubby and the kids weren't there yet.  I had jokingly mentioned that it was funny that they were going to have to go over first and he replied that maybe they'd hide out a bit first.  I wasn't happy and the anxiety level rose. 

Since it was cold and snowing, I tried to get my sister-in-law into the house quickly but the safety feature on her new wheelchair made it impossible to do so on my own. My brother went to help and we almost dumped her.  Luckily, my step dad helped out and we were successful. 

After we got them in and settled and I did a quick meet and greet to my dad, his wife and the doggies, I headed outside to call my hubby.  Apparently they had gone to get gasoline for the van and were on their way.  I asked them to hurry because I was building into a panic and my Ativan was in the car with them.

Once they arrived, everything seemed to run smoothly.  There weren't any arguments or even minor disagreements.  We ate lunch and then moved on to the gift portion of the day.  After we were visiting and I mentioned that it would be really nice to have our holiday celebration in Kearney.  We had talked about doing that this year but with my sister graduating from college, it just wasn't feasible. 

When it seemed like things were wrapping up, I checked the clock and realized that if we left soon, we could still visit with my husband's mom when we stopped in York and make it home in time to pick up the dogs from the doggie hotel. Hugs and goodbyes and we were out. 

Hit York and picked up the car from my mother-in-law.  I took off while my husband and the kids visited with my mother-in-law.I drove - again - by myself, on the interstate.  And I did good!!!

Got home.  Got the dogs.  Got everything back inside and unpacked. Finally, I could relax.

It was a hectic and stressful weekend but I survived.  We all did.  It wasn't perfect but I got to see my family.  My little sister crossed off another milestone in her life.  We were able to give gifts and receive them.  There was laughter and tears with not all the tears being those out of anger or stress or from being upset.

Road trip: 0 ... Shanda: 1

Oh yeah.  I did it. 

No panic attacks.

No freak outs.

No tears.

I can easily call it a total and complete success. 

And that feels pretty damn fantastic.

Freaking out...continued

So I'm sending the link today.  I'm late but I'm doing it.  This is what I'm sending my select audience:

I'm finally to a place where I want to share my blog with a select few people.  Congrats on winning the prize.

I want you to know that you are under no obligation to read it - now or in the future, you don't have to comment on the posts, you don't need to tell me you are reading it or not, you don't need to follow it...basically, it is your call what to do with this information.

I will, however, welcome comments and questions - both on the blog and in person.  I would love it if you read it and follow it.  I am sending you the link because you are someone I honor, cherish and respect.  I also trust you.

My blog focuses on my on-going battle with depression and other forms of mental illness.  I'm not always the best at expressing myself vocally and feel much more competent and comfortable with the written word.  If you choose to read my blog, you will understand me a bit better...or at least that is my hope.

Enjoy it, or not...remember this is your call.  Soon I hope to share my blog with more people.  But until I'm ready for that, you are my audience.  Thank you.

Love,
Shanda

I'm sending this to my husband, sister, mother, step father, Lo and Li.  

Deep breath...and...send... 

Freaking out

When I started my blog, I knew that I would eventually share it.  First with those I'm closest with and then, in time, with acquaintances and those I'm associated with via other forms of social media.  I want to share it so those I know can understand me and my struggles a little bit more.  It is also an easier way to open up the lines of communication to ask questions and get answers. 

In the long run, I would love it if my blog could make a difference for someone.  Maybe that person feels alone and stumbles upon this and realizes he/she is not.  Perhaps a family member who is trying to understand a loved ones thoughts and feelings about his/her depression will read something here that helps them garner greater understanding.  Maybe it will smooth some roads.  If it doesn't do any of that, I'm fine because when it all comes down to it, this blog is for me and my journey.

I'm freaking out because I originally told myself that I would invite some people to view my blog once there were fifty posts.  That number was passed and I felt a bit of disappointment in myself because I didn't share it.  Truth be told, I wasn't ready.  There was a chance I would never be ready but I needed to get my thoughts, fears and information out there.  I set the goal of sixty posts and even told my husband that I would share once I hit that magic number. 

That magically numbered post was the previous one.  This is sixty-one.

Tomorrow I'm sending the link to at least five people. 

A sleep schedule...maybe

My husband is back on the night shift.  This means he leaves for work sometime between 8 and 10 pm and then gets home anywhere between 6 and 10 am.  It also means that I try to go to sleep after he leaves and then wake up when he gets home. 

So far (one day) it has worked well.  I'm hoping that it will continue and that I can maintain it.

Once I get that part of the routine set, I will work on the next step.

Take your Ativan...revisited

Had a quaint get together with Li, her husband, their boys, me and my husband at Li's house.  It was in celebration of Samhain.  We brought some snacks and drinks, they provided some snack and drinks and we all communed around the fire pit in the back yard.  It was a lovely night.

Due to some of my recent experiences in social situations, I took an Ativan prior to the event.  It worked.  It was a very laid back evening but towards the end I was feeling a bit frustrated with my husband.  I felt we needed to head home (for many reason such as the host being super tired and falling asleep as well as the fact that my husband actually had to get home and try to snag a couple hours of sleep before heading to work at 4:30 am.)

Even though I was feeling frustrated, I didn't get to the point of being angry or bitchy.  I was able to express my frustration in a very polite manner that worked out very well for everyone involved.

This just further proves my social situation = Ativan hypothesis. 

Taking on a new responsibility

Meds must be working because...I went ahead and signed up to chair the Setup/Clean up Committee for post prom.  I'm already feeling a little bit of apprehension about this but know that it will be fine.  My husband is my co-chair so he knows my signs and how to best help me work through any issues that may arise.

The prom isn't until March but the planning needs to start now.  This chairperson role involves chairing the committee (obviously) but also conducting monthly meetings and all things that go with said meeting.  We have a small list of suggestions and tips but it seems like we will be somewhat flying by the seats of our pants. 

So yes, a little apprehension but I wouldn't have signed up to do it if I didn't think I would be able to handle it.  Husband will help but I know he's mostly there for the muscle and that I will be the one doing the planning and organizing.  I know I can do this and am a little excited to have some responsibilities outside of the home.

New med

Started taking Wellbutrin today.  I know it will take a while to actually get into my system and start helping (or not helping...never know how these things will go) but I'm hopeful that it will be the kick I need.  I really do not want to start on a completely new drug regimen but will if that is the only option.  Gods, I hope it is not the only option.

Other than that, the sleeping schedule is back to a more so regular person schedule.  Most nights I get to bed between 10:00 pm and 11:00 pm and am usually up around 7:00 am.  This has been going on for the past several days.  Next week, my husband will be starting a "typical" schedule for his job where he has to be to work at 7:00 am.  This will help me with my sleep schedule since it's really just easier to go to bed when he does and wake up around the same time. 

I'm also, as per doctor's orders, to be working towards the healthy lifestyle that will help with my depression.  Part of this is to get on a sleep schedule so yay me.  I'm also supposed to start getting regular exercise and eating in a healthier way.  Anything else that promotes a healthier lifestyle is encouraged.  Since I no longer smoke and rarely drink alcohol and caffeinated beverages, I have a few of those "good" things checked off my life. 

Because I'm a list maker, I will be working on some goals for a healthier lifestyle list this weekend.  I know I will share it here because it makes sense and also, by making it public, makes me more accountable.  Yes, maybe no one will ever read my blog but I can still take accountability that someone could and may ask me about it.

Describing my depression, part 3

When my depression is acting up and when I'm in The Bad Place, it is so difficult to describe to someone.  Those who know me best, know that something is wrong or off with me when they ask me how I'm doing, I just cannot explain what exactly is going on.  If I say, I'm depressed the auto-reply is "why?"  But as we know, that isn't something you can answer with a reason like "I flunked a test."  There is a cause/reason, but it is something that isn't an environmental cause. 

Often I just say that I'm sick.  And it's true.  No, I don't have a cold or the flu, but I am feeling equally as bad, if not worse.  "Sick" is my default answer because most people don't ask for a lot of details or specifics.  Let's face it, no one wants to hear that you cannot step away from the bathroom for fear you'll have to vomit in a trash can.

You do feel sad, upset and unhappy.  You don't want to do anything or deal with anything or anybody.  Demands on you, some as simple as answering if you want chocolate or vanilla ice cream, can lead to a breakdown and tears.  You cannot cope with everyday life and you really don't want to in that moment.  Hell, you are lucky if you can manage to brush your teeth or comb your hair. 

It really is that difficult to function and exist. 

It is a struggle.

It sucks.

It hurts.

But I'm going to quit using "sick" as my response.  I'm going to tell those who ask me how I'm doing that I'm dealing with my depression and it is currently winning against me, if that is the case in the moment.  If they ask for more information, I'm going to try to tell them in a way that makes sense to someone without depression.  I'm going to trust that they truly care and really want to know.  I'm not going to censor myself and that means being honest with those in my life and with myself.

First weekend with the munchkins

For the record, neither Z nor K could really be considered a munchkin anymore but still, they are.  Z is 16 and K is 13.  They are my step kids but I love them as my own.

In a way, the kids have also been suffering with me through the ups and downs of my depression battle.  The person they first met has changed a lot, some for the good and some for the bad, in the past, well, almost 10 years.  They've experienced all of the moods and issues and this past year has probably been one of the worst for them.  It's not so much that I was depressed but it was that I was moody as hell and had virtually no patience for anything.  With the kids been teens, they were having their own issues that further made me just a wee annoyed.

To be fair, I never took my frustrations out on either of them directly, but my moodiness and impatience affected them in many ways.  I have been rather withdrawn from our life as a family of four...hell, I've been pretty removed from most of my relationships with the exception of a few very close friends and my husband.  My parents, siblings and other extended family have also felt the neglect from me but since the kids are a bigger part of my life, they probably noticed it a great deal more.  Neither has really said anything to me, or to my husband as far as I know, but that doesn't mean they haven't noticed or made a comment to someone else. 

(I'm sure I will blog about my relationship with each of them at a later date and it really isn't overly necessary at this point.)

Anyway, this was the first weekend we've had them since I've been back on my meds.  Granted, I'd only been on them for twelve days once they got here but still, I was medicated.  I think it went well.  I was more actively involved with family times and didn't totally hide out in the bedroom.  I was in the bedroom a great deal but made several trips out to the more common areas of our home to talk with the kids.  They also spent some time with me in the bedroom when we were chatting and watching a football game.  I also didn't lose my temper about anything.  We had a couple of issues but I was able to deal with them without blowing up to my husband in private or bursting into tears, also in private.

I really feel like I'm moving forward towards a much healthier me.  I just keep going forward and doing everything I can to keep a positive and optimistic attitude. 

It was a great evening

In this post, I talked about how I was feeling a great deal of apprehension for an up-coming party.  I am so happy to report that most everything went incredibly well.  I say "most" because friend one forgot about it and friend two texted to say she wouldn't make it but I never got the text.  Because of the miscommunication with friend number two, I was feeling very hurt and somewhat angry.  We chatted a bit today and all is fine.  With friend number one, well, shit happens and he actually thought it had been rescheduled and had made other plans. 

Those were the only two problems with the night.  At least that is my opinion.

I did end up taking two Ativan.  One first thing in the morning and the other about an hour before the party was to begin.  I'd purposely saved my third in case I had problems during the party.  I didn't need it.  I'm extremely proud of that.

There were no upset or frustrated tears.  I didn't snap at my husband for something that he didn't do to my liking.  I didn't get overwhelmed or panic.  There were some minor moments that I was feeling a little apprehension but just took a few deep breaths and let it pass.  These moments were silly and totally inconsequential and I was able to recognize that instead of letting it become a major issue for me.  That is a HUGE step for me and one that I hope I can continue.

So, was this night a success because of the Zoloft?  Because of the Ativan?  Because I was experiencing a placebo effect from just knowing I was taking meds?  Was it something completely different?  Maybe the night just had so few snags that it didn't matter one way or the other.  I'm not sure but I do know that I'm very happy with how the evening went, how I felt during it, and the fact that I'm slowly getting my life back.  Yay me!