three nine

I turned 39 yesterday.  I don't feel any different except for the thought that 40 is no longer years away.  It is now months, weeks, and days away.  Part of my has this dread about 40.  The other part of me, it doesn't care in the least.  I'm not the type of person to fib about my age.  I figure I have earned each and every year of my life so why not acknowledge that. 

Not really noticing any difference since I've been off the Wellbutrin.  Today will be day number nine without it.  I don't know how long it will stay in my system once I stop ingesting it.  Maybe I should look that up.  I figure it is anywhere between two and twelve weeks.  My rationale is that it takes at least two weeks to feel any effects of the medicine in your body and that it should be fully integrated into your system by twelve weeks.  Seems the same would also go for getting it out of your system. 

Had a very intense weekend.  I went through a 2-day training and it wore me out - mentally, emotionally, and physically.  There was a bit of a ginormous kick in the gut Saturday night where my inner-self and all that I hold dear and feel is a part of my core being was exposed, brought into question, and demolished.  It wasn't literally demolished and I still retain all those things but I need to do some more processing to get to the heart of the revelation. 

The basic gist of said revelation is that to embrace the Shanda I am meant to become, I must rid myself of all my attachments.  These attachments are my life.  The attachments include my husband, my step kids, my parents, my siblings, my pets, my friends.  Let's not forget my home and all that I value and hold dear. 

Say what?!?!

I'm not to have anything - physical, emotional, spiritual, moral, ethical, etc. - holding me back.  Nothing.

Hello?!?!

My connections to these things are so important to me.  While they don't necessarily define me, they do make up a great deal of my core being.  My spirit and soul are linked to the connections and attachments I form in my life.  I hold them as sacred and place enormous value on them.

A huge scary realization that came along with this revelation is about suicide/death.  I believe that I've talked about this in the past.  If not, please do not freak out.  I am NOT suicidal.  I have NO PLANS to end my own life or do harm to myself.  Anyway, there are moments that I wish I would just die.  This is because everything in my head is just becoming too much.  I don't feel like I can handle it and make it through another moment.  I want the depression to end.  The only way to truly end my depression is for my life to end.  This is why I sometimes want to die.

However, I would never kill myself.  I wouldn't do that to my friends, my family, and my loved ones.  Suicide is selfish and I couldn't take that route.  I know I won't ever end my own life because I don't want to hurt those people I would leave behind.

Those people I have connections with and attachments to.

(See where I'm going with this?)

So, if I have no more connections and no more attachments, does that mean I would be willing to end my own life? Honestly, I do not know.  I really, really want to say that I wouldn't but I cannot know until I have been in that situation.  And since I don't see myself giving up those attachments and connections, you can rest assured that I will still be here in the morning...and the next day...and the next year...and for however long I'm meant to live this life. 

As I said, I'm still processing this information.  Some bits I've started to see as methods to detach from my connections make sense.  I don't need to officially rid myself of all those attachments but I do need to be able to adopt a mindset of detachment for certain aspects of my life.  This detachment may include a symbolic death of the old me so I can become what I'm meant to be.  Seems much more acceptable and possible to achieve.