Staying positive

Depression is a common condition; an estimated 10 percent of Americans will suffer from depression at some time in their lives. I suffer from clinical depression. Depression overwhelmed my life with feelings of loneliness, negative thoughts and emotions; I had difficulty going to work, talking to friends and family. My energy levels both emotional and physical were low. My life spiraled out of control. Eventually medication and hospitalization were necessary. They helped stabilize my condition, but staying positive while recovering from depression was difficult. My medication brought some relief, but I spiraled back into deep depression twice, at great cost to my life. I found that staying positive was the only effective way to overcome depression.

How do you stay positive while depressed?

It is difficult. Depression in itself brings negative thoughts; even medication will only ease some of those thoughts. In addition, the stigma, the financial, social and career problems caused by depression left me feeling hopeless. Staying positive is critical to a complete recovery. I keep a small notebook. I record negative thoughts and emotions that occur during my day. I record the time of day, and what I was doing. Then, each night I go through my notebook and look for patterns, or triggers to the negative thoughts and emotions. I replace the negative thought in my journal with a positive one that I wished or could have thought. The negative thoughts cause the negative emotions, so the idea is to train or reprogram your mind to have positive thoughts, which in turn create positive emotions. By writing down the negative thoughts and developing a plan for how to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, I was ready for them when they occurred.

Negative thoughts overwhelm me; I can't get them out of my mind let alone replace them with positive thoughts. What can I do?

It's like a catch 22. I needed to stop thinking negatively, but my brain wanted to hold on to the negative thoughts. I wanted a break from it. I found two things that brought relief from constant flow of negative thoughts and emotions I was experiencing- laughter and exercise. I developed a routine that incorporated both into my life. As my routine progressed, relief from the negative thoughts lasted longer. My ability to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts increased, and instead of spiraling down deeper into depression, I progressed further up into happiness

Laugh? All I want to do is cry, How can I laugh?

For me, it was watching sitcoms. They brought a half-an hour or so of relief everyday. I watched them before going to work, and after work, eventually my overall mood improved and the people around me reacted more positively to me. It was like a chain reaction, I became happier. I started the day happy and ended it with a smile. I stopped watching dramas and the news. Both paint a depressing picture of the world. What worked for me may not work for you. You might try having dinner with a fun friend, writing a funny story, playing with your dog or cat, but laugh. The old saying, laughter is the best medicine holds especially true for depression.

Exercise? I have no energy, it is a struggle to get out of bed, how do I exercise?

The key, start slowly. First, I walked around the block, and added a few steps each day. Eventually I was could walk three miles. I picked a pleasant route. So that I it was a pleasurable journey. I picked one with lots of people, trees and relaxing scenery. After the walk, I rewarded myself. The walks cleared my mind from the emotional clutter. My energy levels increased; I could walked further each day, and my outlook on life improved. The important thing is to start small, and get a routine going. Walking worked for me, but swimming, biking, running, even household chores, might work for you, but get your body moving.

Staying positive while depressed is critical for recovery. When overwhelmed with negative emotions It's difficult to stay positive, but it's something you must do. Three of the most effective ways to stay positive while depressed are journaling, laughing and exercising.

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Greg Johnson offers more information, tips and advice on his website. You will find a short depression quiz, a depression toolkit, facts on symptoms, types of depression, treatments, and A to Z guide on depression. To get your free downloadable PDF guide go to: http://depressionhelpandinformation.com/

Understanding what it means to be an introvert

I'm an introvert.  I never really thought about it because I can rock a crowd but it's all a show and I'm wearing a mask.  But I now realize that I am most definitely in introvert.  What about you?  Introvert or extrovert?

This link is 27 problems only introverts would understand shows some of the introvert issues.  The following are especially true for me:

1. When you need to take breaks and recharge after socializing for too long.
7. Having visitors stay with you is a nightmare, because it means you have to be on at ALL TIMES.
8. When people stop inviting you places because you keep canceling plans.
9. Too many social obligations + no alone time = a total grump.
15. That feeling of dread that washes over you when the phone rings and you’re not mentally prepared to chat.
17. When you have an awesome night out, but have to deal with feeling exhausted for days after the fact.
18. When people pressure you to be more social, whether you like it or not.
19. When you’re really excited to go out, but those good feelings don’t last long enough.
20. When you’re trying to get something done at work, but you can’t, because everyone else is talking.
24. When someone interrupts your thoughts, and you get irrationally angry.
26. And when you need to be completely alone so you can recharge and get back to being awesome.

So...

I haven't done a personal post in a while.  It's mostly because there is nothing to say about me or my life...at least nothing that relates to my mental illness issues.  Since this blog is dedicated to that, I don't want to ramble on and on about my friends or pets or family.

I had a checkup with my doctor on September 20.  It was one of those med review things.  I'm at a difficult point in my "recovery/fight/struggle".  My meds work.  I don't feel bad and have more good days than bad days.  Life in my head is starting to even out some and is less chaotic and I generally know what to expect.  But, I still have bad days.  And I still struggle.  And there are still times that my depression stops me from doing things.

This is a difficult point because I am topped out dosage-wise on my Zoloft.  It cannot be increased anymore.  According to the dr. the med he would usually add on would be Wellbutrin but that doesn't work for me, in fact, it makes things worse.  With Zoloft he doesn't really like the other combos.  So, we would be looking into trying a new med and dropping the Zoloft.

That scares me.  In a way, my Zoloft is a security blanket.  I know what it does for me and how it affects me.  I know which side effects I usually see.  We know each other and are friends.  A new med is starting over.  A new med is potential success or failure.

Because I have been dealing with this for 17 years and have been treating it with medication for 14 years, there are several drugs I have tried that didn't work for me.  Most of those are now offered in generic form.  I still do not have health insurance or a job so we have to budget.  And generic drugs are generally affordable.  If we bump up into the non-generic drugs, things get pricey.  Yes, there are programs available that can offer some help.  And, yes, there is the potential that I can get free samples from the doctor.  But...

I do know that I'm going to do what is best for me.  Even if that means the expensive meds.  Me getting better and leading the best life I can, despite my depression and anxiety, is the priority.

So the dr. and I talked.  He asked me what I wanted to do.  I told him I would like to stay on my current meds.  I want to do this because I feel like I'm finally even and predictable/stable and want to see if that is the kind of existence that I can enjoy.  I need to figure out how to "do me" in my current situation and see if it enough. 

I go back in 6 months and we go from there. 

Panic attack tools

Because my panic attacks seem to be returning, I wanted to share these tips that I found at the Healthy Place in the article "Ten Things To Do For A Panic Attack."

1. Have an exit plan. This is a must for me.  The better prepared I feel going into a situation, the better I tend to handle everything, even if a panic attack happens. 

2. Have someone you can count on ready to call. I'm lucky that I have several someones that I can count on.  It is nice knowing they are there and even better to be sure they will answer when you call.

3. Spend time with your pet. A personal favorite.

4. Have a tranquilizer with you. It is rare that I do not have several tablets of Ativan on me.  I have some in my purse and I have some in a key chain holder-type thing.  I also have a few stashed in a small baggie in my wallet. 

5. Interact with water. I love this one.  Water is very calming for me.  When possible, the full-submersion method is best but taking a sip of water also works.  The easiest way to interact with water is to wash your hands. 

6. Give yourself a massage or have your loved one give you one. While this helps, it is a bit more difficult to accomplish without drawing further attention to yourself. 

7. Forward bend. This doesn't work so well for me if I am standing.  If I'm sitting, it works a little better but not worth the effort.  Because I often feel hot when I'm having a panic attack, balling up only increases the heat and pushes the panic up several notches.

8. Stare at yourself in the mirror. Nope.  Nada.  If anything, it will escalate the attack.  Tend to also work into a shame spiral and the gremlins snag the opportunity to work their mischief in my brain,

9. Go for a walk. Another one that doesn't work for me.

10. Laugh. This one does work.  Besides getting in a better mood and focusing on something else, it's very difficult to panic while you are laughing.  It's the small things that make a big difference. 

Born crazy

I'm spending the next week in Omaha with my family so this is a super appropriate picture. 

I want to make it clear that I'm not blaming my parents in any way for my depression.  Well, maybe my dad a little since it runs in his family and if there is some sort of gene that carries depression then he would be a likely culprit.  Besides, the type of depression I have isn't caused my some external force. 

Anyway, I arrived on Friday and have been having a pretty relaxing time so far.  I came here to help my mom go through some things since she and my step dad (who I am now calling Dado which is a combination between Dad and his name) are trying to downsize some.  Some of what we will be going through will be mine - dolls and stuff from my childhood plus my baby book, christening outfit and other items a mother saves for her baby.  The rest of the stuff we will be going through will be items my mother will try to pawn off on me.  There's a good chance she will use some guilt tactics, mostly in fun, but I'm worried that I may not take it in that manner.  I just hope that if I react poorly, I can explain to her why in a way that she can understand.

I'm staying here until noon-ish on Tuesday.  Then I head to my dad's house to stay with him and his wife until Friday.

*insert daunting and potentially scary music here*

Don't get me wrong, I have had many wonderful visits with my father.  Most of the time he is very good-natured and jovial.  But, when things go boom, the damage is epic. 

The atmosphere is not overly relaxing.  It's tense and all about the outside appearance - clean house, nice clothes, perfection.  It is so not me.  This will be the longest time I have spent with my dad in a while.  Usually when we are in Omaha, the time is split between my two sets of parents, sometimes between my two sets of current parents and my step mom.  So no one really gets a lot of time.  And even if they do get a lot of time, it's a weekend trip where we arrive late-ish Friday and leave shortly after lunch on Sunday. 

I'm going to hope for the best but rehearse through my coping mechanisms in order to prepare for the worst.

Disruption

(I started this post on July 20, 2013 and I just proof-read it today.  I could add to it but I'm not in the same place I was then so my feeling and thoughts wouldn't be as authentic.)

More than anything, I get angry and frustrated when my depression and/or panic attacks screw up my life. It happened again last night/today.

We were to go to my husband's grandmother's birthday today. It was hosted by my mother-in-law. 

I couldn't go. Starting around 8 pm Friday evening, I was building into a panic attack. I took an Ativan and did some exercises to try to calm myself. It worked...a little. 

Tried to go to bed but panic attacks kept waking me. Took another Ativan and worked through some exercises. Attempted to go to sleep again. I was asleep for maybe 20 minutes when another panic attack hit. It was almost midnight. 

I tried most everything in my bag of tricks but nothing seemed to make enough of a difference to allow me any real relief or sleep. Off and on sleep and panic attack cycle started. All night long. 

When my husband's alarm went off, I was beyond frazzled.  I was maxed out on Ativan until 8 pm that evening and the panic was already swelling.  There was no way I would be able to attend the party.  In another place.  With a lot of people.  A distance from my home and comfort zone.

So I had to cancel. 

He made my apologies and most understood. 

This is one of the worst things about my illness. 

Pretending to be fine

When You’re Pretending to Be Fine: 9 Tips to Deal and Heal
By Chris Lappin

“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I never thought I’d want to kill myself.

All my life, I’d been a strong, independent woman, building a business from home, raising two wonderful sons, and staying happy and positive throughout.

If you’d told me I’d one day consider taking my own life, I’d have laughed and said, “You’ve got me confused with someone else!”

But after twenty years and two sons together, my husband and I decided to split up.

So what? Separation and divorce are commonplace. You just cope with it like everyone else. I was strong, so not coping would mean I was weak.

But it hurt and hurt and hurt. And eventually I just wanted to stop. I couldn’t put my boys through that, but I couldn’t see another way out. So, while pretending to everyone that I was fine, I thought about it. Seriously.

What Do You Pretend?

Coping with everything life throws at you is tough.

Juggling all your different roles, trying to be all things to all people, and “shoehorning” so much into every day.

You and your needs aren’t even worth a mention on your very long to-do list.

You feel guilty and inadequate and worry that someday all those plates you’re spinning will come crashing down. You’re an amazing “somebody” who often feels like an invisible and overwhelmed “nobody.” Feeling lost and alone, living in silent despair.

Not always much fun being a grown-up, is it?

You’re not alone, you know.

From the outside, others seem to be holding it all together. Just like you. Just like me.

Have you thought that perhaps sometimes they’re not coping either? That maybe, just like you, they’re not perfect?

Pretending to cope comes at a price.

I’d also fallen out of love with my first home-based business, so my marriage to my best friend was over, and my future was gone.

Our joint, shameful debt took me months to resolve, was a debilitating hell, and meant we had to live a lie under the same roof for eight months, sharing our bed in cold silence for the first four as we pretended to our young teenage sons that all was normal.

I felt sick when I awoke to the conversation we’d been dreading: telling the boys that Mom and Dad were splitting up. A parent’s supposed to make things better, not worse. As I tore their world apart, it broke my heart.

When we did separate, my expenses escalated while my income sank. And when my boys went to stay at their father’s, nothing could stop the overwhelming loneliness from driving me into the ground. So I put my head down and worked. It kept me sane a little longer.

Something had died, but instead of grieving, I pretended I was coping.

My even busier life was now a nightmare, yet I was barely functioning and I didn’t recognize myself anymore: lethargic, hollow, lost, ashamed, and desperately lonely. Feeling weak and pathetic because I couldn’t cope on my own without a man around. A failure.

I started to unravel.

I wanted to run away rather than face the misery ahead, so I escaped to bed to shorten the days. Cooking for one underlined my loneliness, so I didn’t bother, and for a while I comforted myself with alcohol, as the health implications were no longer important.

And that’s when I thought of making it all stop. To stop feeling miserably unhappy. To stop crying every day. I wasn’t miserable when I slept, so why not just keep sleeping? It made perfect sense.

But the damage to my boys forced me to keep my comforting escape route a secret.

Then came the anxiety attacks, and twelve months after our painful decision, I was diagnosed with a stress-related facial skin disease and depression.

When all seems lost, there’s still a way forward.

If you are, or feel you might be, depressed, take comfort and pride from Dr. Tim Cantopher’s words from his book Depressive Illness: The Curse of The Strong:

“You are wrong in thinking you are weak and should be ashamed of having this illness, you have got it because you are strong … a weak, cynical or lazy person faced with difficulties will quickly give up, so would never get depressed enough to become ill.”

I can’t solve your issues here, but if you’re struggling and pretending, I’d like to help you take that all-important first step so you can start to look after you.
 
1. Be honest.

Pretend and, at some point, the problem and the pain will surface ten-fold. If you’re not coping, admit to yourself that you’re not. This shows great strength.
 
2. Ask for help.

This isn’t a sign of weakness. Are others weak for coming to you for help? Why should you be different? Tell those who care about you that you’re not coping. Don’t struggle in silence.
 
3. Talk openly.

When you‘ve asked for help, share your feelings with someone you know and love who will listen without judgement or advice, or with a trained counselor.

Talking about how you feel and having someone listen can feel self-indulgent at first, but it’s a huge part of the healing process.
 
4. Learn to say no more often.

Maybe saying yes to everything and everyone makes you feel superhuman. But superheroes are works of fiction, and you don’t possess special powers.

When you’re saying yes to everything, who and what are you saying no to?

Try to do less things better rather than taking on so much that you beat yourself up for what you don’t achieve.
 
5. Rejoice and reward yourself for your achievements.

If you berate yourself for what you get wrong, then surely you have to take responsibility and take credit when you do something well.
 
6. Accept that perfection is impossible.

In a world of self-help and personal development, we’re bombarded with advice about always being positive and successful, and striving to be the best.

Strive to be the best that you can be, and be a realist. Just like me, you’re imperfect, you’re weak sometimes, you make mistakes, and you’re a work in progress.

Strive to be happy. Accept your weaknesses and you’ll be stronger for it.
 
7. Make time for you.

You fulfill many roles: parent, partner, businessperson, child, sibling, friend. Don’t lose sight of your needs and being you.

Give yourself permission to take time out for you and put you back on your to-do list. You’ll be more effective and happier in your other roles.
 
8. Start putting yourself first.

It’s not selfish. You’re important and you deserve better. So once you’re back on that list, work on moving yourself further up.

To look after others, you first have to look after yourself. The in-flight emergency procedure tells you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you help others with theirs.

9. Stop comparing yourself to others.

I’d wager that most people feel inadequate and overwhelmed.

Just as others have no idea what’s going on in your life, you have no idea what’s really going on in theirs, so it serves no positive purpose to compare yourself and worry about what others are doing. You’re unique. You can only be you. Chances are they’re probably comparing themselves to you!

Moving Forward

Over time the medication helped lighten my mood, and I could look a little beyond my despair. If I was going to keep living, I didn’t want to spend it wishing I were dead. The counseling gave me time and space to stop pretending, talk honestly, and grieve.

While still battling depression, I’m now cooking healthy meals again and laughing far more than I have in years. I’ve enrolled at a gym and am taking time for me. I’ve qualified as a Life Coach and set up a blog and online business.

I’m still here to love and look after my boys.

I’ve learned to stop comparing myself to others who I don’t even know, and that’s it’s okay—no, it’s necessary—to express rather than bury my feelings, to admit when I’m not coping, and to embrace my weaknesses.

Every day, the baby steps I’m taking for me, just me, add up. I’m miles away from where I was.

You can move ahead too.

You’re not weak for wanting to run away. You’re strong for having the guts to admit it.

Decide to stop the unhealthy pretenses. Be proud of who you are and what you achieve each day. Set time aside for you. Everything and everyone else can wait a while.

Like drowning

 

Right now, I'm drowning.  My soul hurts.  I am done on every level - emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual.  

I am downing because someone I love passed away.  Her void is felt already.  Her passing leaves my step father without any parents.  My heart is breaking for him.  I don't know how to console him.  Words simply do not come.  All I can do is offer to help out as best I can, to transport my brother, to be the charming hostess at the wake.  To remind him that I love him.  And that I am here.

I am downing because a child decided to end her own life. The child - this 19 year old child - was once like a daughter to me.  But then her mother and I dissolved our friendship.  I checked with the family to see if it would be okay for me to attend her funeral.  Her mother said she would be uncomfortable with me there.  So I will respect her wishes and not attend.  My heart is breaking.  The last interaction I had with this child was very positive.  But, out of respect, which is the same respect I showed by asking in the first place, I will honor the wishes of her mother.  I don't need to attend a funeral to pay my respects and honor the life of this child.  I do wish I could go though.

I'm downing because I am stressed.  So much is going on and I have so very little control over much of it.  I'm not good when I don't have some bit of control.  I have a ritual that I will be leading this coming weekend.  It's on finding and utilizing your inner peace.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to write about peace when you feel none?  Seriously, fuck peace and just let me get through the day without losing it and let me get through the night without waking in a cold sweat, on the edge of a panic attack, and with the looming night terrors still swimming in my brain.

I am downing because I'm tired and when I'm tired, I find it even more difficult to hold myself together.  I don't know how to deal with the sleepiness AND depression or stress or anxiety.  When I'm tired, I just do my best to get through the day and tackle the one most important task of that moment.

I'm downing.  And I wish it was literal instead of figurative.*

*I am not going to kill myself or attempt to harm myself in any way.  No worries. 

Transform anxiety

As of right now, I have a pretty good handle on my anxiety.  I'm very aware of situations that tend to cause me to feel anxiety and even those that can result in a panic attack.  Because of this awareness, I can be proactive and mostly avoid the panic attacks.  It's a wonderful thing for me. 

I am always looking for other methods to keeping my anxiety at bay.  In this article at Tiny Buddha, I found three tips to help in the moment.  I haven't had the opportunity - YAY - to but them to the test, but wanted to post them anyway.

If you find yourself fraught with anxiety, feeling fearful about the future, you will attract your worst fears. When anxiety tries to bring us down, there are 3 things we can do:

1. Take a moment and see what feelings underlie your fears.

Then see if you can figure out how you’d rather feel and choose to feel that feeling instead. If you are having a hard time lifting your mood, get busy doing something you enjoy that will raise your positive vibration.

It’s easy to raise our vibration. Engaging in our hobbies is a great way to bump our vibes up a few notches, and it can be anything really—playing sports, cooking, baking, gardening, playing music, cleaning, exercising, meditating, practicing yoga, singing, dancing, crafting, building, organizing, or snuggling with your pet.

When we keep ourselves elevated, it’s really hard for anxiety to find us, helping to keep negative experiences at bay.

2. Instead of gripping at fear and worrying about whether or not something will work out, just know that it will.

This is what it means to have faith. Just know that no matter what the outcome, you will be okay, and if it is in your highest interest to have what you want, you will have it.

3. And last, ask the universe for what you want and then let go of the outcome.

Instead of focusing on what you want, focus on how you can be of service. When we are serving others, we are tapping into more of that feel-good energy, which will bring us more feel-good experiences.

Show up each day ready to serve the world, your family, your environment, and yourself. Focus on how you can add value to the lives of others. Good experiences will come to you.

Once we realize the root of anxiety, it is easier for us to transform it into positivity. I wish you all a blissful day!

Crash mode

I've talked about protection and preparation mode in a past post.  It is something I do when I know I will be doing something outside of my norm...visitors at my house, being around a large-ish group of people, etc.  There is also the crash mode.  It is actually very similar to protection and preparation mode.  The difference is that it just happens, without warning, because of what has happened in the recent past.  This can be pushing myself too much with different and new experiences, not adequately preparing (and protecting) myself prior to such changes. 

To me, PPM (protection and preparation mode - just named it, hahaha) is a positive step.  It is proactive.  It might be a crutch but I would much rather call it a coping mechanism.  PPM requires me to take active steps towards increased success when I'm going to do something that typically causes issues for me with my depression and/or anxiety. 

On the other hand, CM (crash mode) is a result.  It's more so negative because it tends to interfere with me having a normal life.  It is also something to note because when CM hits, I then know I need to review the past several days to see what was different so I can discover what it was that triggered the CM.  There aren't always triggers; depression or anxiety get you in their claws and have their way with you.  It is part of the journey I am on while living with depression. 

When I know what triggers me to have issues, I can prepare for them adequately.  When I don't, I hit CM and realize I need to do what I can to prepare for such instances in the future.  It's a teaching moment for myself.  It's all about the process and figuring out the aspects of my life.

Anyway, today was a CM.  I had plans with Li to go for lunch.  I also had a number of things to get accomplished today because the weekend is full.  Didn't do a thing.  Slept a great deal.  Cried and shut down for a bit.  It affected my life.

Why?

Well, I'm no June Cleaver and I've kind of been trying to be her for the past couple of days.  I have stopped short of donning a 1950s dress and bringing my husband a drink, his pipe, and his slippers upon his arrival from a long, hard day of work.  But I was trying to be this perfect wife and mother.

On Wednesday, the kids came out to stay with us.  It's a rare treat to have them here during the week while they are actually in school.  With the exception of summer, our visits with them are typically weekends, school breaks, and holidays.  We also had my step daughter's friend staying with us while her parents were out of town. 

So I cleaned.  And made real meals.  And participated in nightly, family bonding time.  Wore my happy smile and pretended as though all was fine and dandy.  It was, for the most part.  Then today hit and my brain called me on my bullshit and shut down. 

I am a good wife and I am a good (step) mother.  But I am my version of these titles, not those of someone else.  I'm not perfect and I don't smile all the time.  I'm not crazy perky or all happy happy.  I am usually true to my authentic self and put on no airs when I'm in my home.  (Still occasionally don those masks for moments when it is necessary to be someone else just so I can survive.)

So I take this lesson and learn from it.  I apply what I know to how I need to be. 

20 Thoughts to help relieve anxiety and depression

1. In order to have good things, there must be bad things.
2. You’ll never be perfect—just like everyone else.
3. People are mean or angry or sad because they need to be at that time.
4. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
5. You can’t control everything and everyone.
6. Money and wealth are not the same.
7. You’re exactly where you are right now because that’s where you need to be.
8. You don’t want or need to know the future.
9. No one will remember the little flub you made in the office or at home earlier.
10. Life doesn’t assault you or throw curve balls at you; you get what you give.
11. If you don’t like someone or they don’t like you it’s because you each see yourself in them.
12. Right now, at this instant, you have everything you need to be happy: Air in your lungs, blood in your veins, and lips to smile with.
13. When things break and need mending, it gives us something to do.
14. Everyone makes mistakes.
15. Success has no standard definition.
16. Life is very simple.
17. You don’t need something to be happy. You need someone—and that someone is you.
18. Just like you look up to someone, someone out there looks up to you. Act accordingly.
19. There’s a lesson hidden in everything.
20. Other people have had your problems before and managed to overcome them. You can too.

The above thoughts are from the blog post of the same name at Tiny Buddha.

Smoking-ish

I'm a former smoker.  Throughout college, I smoked off and on.  After college, I began to smoke on a regular basis and quit any number of times over the years but I always went back.  It is safe to say that I was a smoker for at least 15 years, definitely more in terms of years but there were also huge lengths of time during those years that I didn't smoke at all.  On November 15, 2011, I smoked my last cigarette.  I haven't had a puff since and have no desire to do so. 

But I do miss the serene feeling I would get from inhaling, holding and then exhaling.  I've tried any number of ideas to get that feel.  Straws didn't work, a cigarette tube filled with cotton was wrong.  Lollipops couldn't cut it.  Taking a draw from a cigarette calmed me down.  It gave me a focus that wasn't on a building panic attack but was also mindless enough that it was easy and effortless.  I could fixate just enough on the repetitiveness of smoking to sort through some of the cycling thoughts messing with me. 

So, I was thrilled when I discovered that many electronic cigarettes (ecigs) are able to use nicotine-free cartridges or fluid.  You still get to inhale, hold and exhale but without the harmful nicotine, tar and other chemicals associated with regular cigarettes.  When you exhale, you exhale vapor that looks like smoke but doesn't smell. The tip glows when you inhale, just like a regular cigarette.  They are rechargeable and reusable.   And there are tons of yummy flavors. 

As a gift to myself, I used some of the money I got as gifts over the holidays and ordered a starter kit from Blu ecigs.  I did a great deal of research looking at all the different kinds of ecigs, cartridges and fluids.  Some looked very cheap.  Some had to arrive from China and carried a claim of "we usually don't have problems with customs, but...".  There were those with sketchy sounding ingredients and those that didn't have company information readily available.  Blu is a bit more expensive but I feel incredibly confident in their products and their company.  They look very cool and well-made and come in a hard pack that not only acts as a charger, but also protects the ecigs and the cartridges.  Plus, it comparable in size to a typical cigarette pack.

I cannot wait for my kit to arrive (and it should in 5-7 days).  I hope it works for me as I hope it will.  I really would like it to be a non-medical alternative to coping with some of my issues.  I know I will report back with how they do or don't work for me.  And if they don't work, I know some smokers and former smokers that I could gift. 

My doggies

I'm an animal person.  I love most living creatures (not a fan of most birds, fish, spiders or ticks).  Spending time with animals has a very calming effect on me, especially if they are my pets.

Meet Oz the Rat Terrier and Katana the Shih Tzu. 

While I have step kids, these critters are truly my babies.  I have raised them from puppies.  I have been the main person involved with their care and training.  They look to me as their leader and provider. 

Our relationship is one of give and take.

They provide me a great deal of comfort.  At times, they are the only things that force me to get out of bed.  Perhaps it is because they rely on me so wholly and completely or maybe it is just because I love them so very much.  Katana, especially, seems to really be in tune with my emotions and moods.

Most people in my life understand my love of my pets.  These people don't laugh when I post pictures of them with captions clearly expressing love and devotion.  They understand that I can tear up looking into their faces.  When I have incredible anxiety when I must leave them for more than a day, they are the ones who are there to comfort me. 

My dogs are part of my healing process.  They assist me in coping with my life when times are tough.  I would be very lost without them.

Smart phone sanity

Many people are tethered to their mobile phones.  They cannot go for long stretches of time without checking it for notifications.  They rely on it to answer questions, communicate with friends and family, blog, email.  It can help them obtain driving directions, do their banking and it provides entertainment of all sorts. Text and tweet.  Calendars, calculators, voice notes and cameras   And those are just some of the things that mobile phones can do today.  Oh, and it can also be used to make phone calls. 

Anyway, I am one of those people. 

My phone is my lifeline.  It is rarely out of my sight.  I feel lost without it.  I cherish it and I take care of it. 

I use it for all those things I listed above and a lot more.  One of the things I use it for is to help me in dealing with my depression and anxiety.  When I'm feeling overwhelmed or a panic attack is building, I turn to my phone.  Usually I will listen to music or play games.  By doing this, I can accomplish many things.

1.  I look busy when using my phone so people will generally leave me alone.  This gives me the opportunity to calm down and just take a break from the world.  I can do this in a group of people and escape without having to flee from the room.  People are always looking at their phones, so I don't draw a lot of unwelcome attention.
2. It is a distraction.  If I can actively engage my brain in some sort of activity, I can somewhat subdue the cycling of thoughts.  This distraction also helps to decrease the volume on the hateful and negative words that tumble around in my brain. The random games on my phone provide the perfect distractions.
3. I can find the positive in my phone.  Between photos of loved ones, inspirational quotes and soothing music, I can usually find some shred of peace.  There is always something there that can combat the negativity with a positive.  Something in my phone is always guaranteed to evoke a smile.
4. I can blog or make notes about what I'm experiencing.  It is so therapeutic for me to express myself in writing.  It also engages my brain and offers a distraction.  I also tend to work out my issues by writing them out. 
5. It helps with the confusion and muddled thoughts.  I still have some issues remembering things at times.  It is like the word is just out of range and taunting me.  Or I cannot remember the name of the actress who played Piper on "Charmed."  A quick search of the Internet and I'm no longer driving myself crazy struggling to fish the correct answer out of the fog.  It provides me a release from the fixation that can possibly become an obsessed focus when I should really be more involved with the present moment.

So the next time you see someone on their phone in a social situation, don't automatically decide they are being rude or are bored.  They might be a person like me who simply needs a brief escape from her own brain.  Maybe it is the lifeline that they grasp with every last bit of strength and sanity they have left at that given moment.  Perhaps they are just trying to hold themselves together so they can chalk up this social experience up as a win instead of the typical loss.  Give them the benefit of the doubt.  I know I will appreciate it.

It struck me as familiar

I follow a few blogs that I connect with in regards to my depression and anxiety.  One of them is Anxiety Adventures.

About a week ago, I read an entry that spoke to me on so many levels.  I need to really sit down and dissect my thoughts to it so I can see how they fit into my tangled brain. 

Here are the points (italicized and bold) that really gave me some aha moments:

Downtime is tough for me, as I often fall into the isolation rabbit hole and get kidnapped by anxiety and depression. It’s difficult to predict how I’ll react to downtime -

• Should I try to keep busy and avoid thinking too much?
• Will making plans but failing to keep them cause a shame spiral?
• Will having no plans cause a shame spiral?
• Will no plans keep me relaxed so I feel able to interact with the world?
• Does the answer lie somewhere in between?

For me, I want to say that the answer is somewhere in between.  I don't know where quite yet.

I also really like the term "shame spiral" because I can relate to it and it is such an accurate and descriptive term.  For those of you who've never experienced a shame spiral, here's what mine are like:

1. For whatever reason, I feel as though I've failed.  This can be not completing something I'd intended to do or simply not doing anything.  It can be any type of failure, no matter how big or small.
2. I will overly focus on and obsess about said failure and get worked up.  There will probably be tears and there will definitely be a great deal of negative thoughts of general worthlessness.  There might even be a panic attack.
3. By the time I've hit this part, there is a strong chance that I will be completely useless for the remainder of the day which will only further perpetuate the shame spiral.
4. Bonus round - I might even carry the shame on for multiple days or start reliving past failures and have more shame spirals form. 

Herein lies the trouble, my mind waffles on whether these plans are mandatory, wanted, needed, or time-fillers.

I both love and hate making plans.  Plans are good because I can then actually plan them.  I know what to expect and what is expected of me.  I am prepared for the event/outing/whatever.

However, plans are commitments and promises.   And I really hate breaking commitments and promises.  This means that if I freak out or have an issue and cannot participate in said plan.  That means I've failed and BAM - shame spiral.

(I do want to mention that most of my close friends as well as my husband and the kids understand that this can happen.  While they still may be hurt or disappointed, they are supportive and understanding of me.  My extended-immediate family (parents and siblings) is getting better at it, perhaps due to my blog.) 

Spinning about my head is the recurring thought that I need to maximize my time off. I need to have fun. I need to be productive. I need to have interesting stories to tell once real-life resumes. I need to recommit to my life and find fulfilling activities. I need to be a functioning, contributing member of society.

This starts a potentially vicious cycle of:

1. Plans/objectives
2. Failure
3. Shame spiral
4. Deep depressive episode
5. Isolation from my life
6. Recover period

Of course it can go well and does rather often.  It is when it doesn't go well that I suffer.

I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure but I need to start to realize that I may also be setting myself up for success.  In a perfect/better world, I would just try my best.  I would try my best and actually be content with what I was able to achieve and focus on the achievement instead of the failure.  Sometimes I might not achieve much of anything and that is okay.  I would wade in to the shallow water first instead of just cannon-balling into the deep end.  I would be realistic with my own personal expectations. 

Realistically, I’ll get anxious about failing to accomplish anything that I won’t actually try, then half-heartedly convince myself that I didn’t try so I didn’t fail. 

Really need to stop that one and come to an acceptance that failure is an okay and human thing.  By not beating myself up over a failure that is really quite minor in the big scheme of things, I can hopefully avoid going any further and the "2.  Failure" step I mentioned above. It is just so difficult to do since I've been berating myself over my moments that are unsuccessful. 

Embracing failure as a learning experience would also be helpful.  If I was able to look back on the failure and dissect it so I could figure out what pushed that moment or event over into the failure zone.  This would allow me to avoid those triggers or come up with ways to cope with them.

First weekend with the munchkins

For the record, neither Z nor K could really be considered a munchkin anymore but still, they are.  Z is 16 and K is 13.  They are my step kids but I love them as my own.

In a way, the kids have also been suffering with me through the ups and downs of my depression battle.  The person they first met has changed a lot, some for the good and some for the bad, in the past, well, almost 10 years.  They've experienced all of the moods and issues and this past year has probably been one of the worst for them.  It's not so much that I was depressed but it was that I was moody as hell and had virtually no patience for anything.  With the kids been teens, they were having their own issues that further made me just a wee annoyed.

To be fair, I never took my frustrations out on either of them directly, but my moodiness and impatience affected them in many ways.  I have been rather withdrawn from our life as a family of four...hell, I've been pretty removed from most of my relationships with the exception of a few very close friends and my husband.  My parents, siblings and other extended family have also felt the neglect from me but since the kids are a bigger part of my life, they probably noticed it a great deal more.  Neither has really said anything to me, or to my husband as far as I know, but that doesn't mean they haven't noticed or made a comment to someone else. 

(I'm sure I will blog about my relationship with each of them at a later date and it really isn't overly necessary at this point.)

Anyway, this was the first weekend we've had them since I've been back on my meds.  Granted, I'd only been on them for twelve days once they got here but still, I was medicated.  I think it went well.  I was more actively involved with family times and didn't totally hide out in the bedroom.  I was in the bedroom a great deal but made several trips out to the more common areas of our home to talk with the kids.  They also spent some time with me in the bedroom when we were chatting and watching a football game.  I also didn't lose my temper about anything.  We had a couple of issues but I was able to deal with them without blowing up to my husband in private or bursting into tears, also in private.

I really feel like I'm moving forward towards a much healthier me.  I just keep going forward and doing everything I can to keep a positive and optimistic attitude. 

It was a great evening

In this post, I talked about how I was feeling a great deal of apprehension for an up-coming party.  I am so happy to report that most everything went incredibly well.  I say "most" because friend one forgot about it and friend two texted to say she wouldn't make it but I never got the text.  Because of the miscommunication with friend number two, I was feeling very hurt and somewhat angry.  We chatted a bit today and all is fine.  With friend number one, well, shit happens and he actually thought it had been rescheduled and had made other plans. 

Those were the only two problems with the night.  At least that is my opinion.

I did end up taking two Ativan.  One first thing in the morning and the other about an hour before the party was to begin.  I'd purposely saved my third in case I had problems during the party.  I didn't need it.  I'm extremely proud of that.

There were no upset or frustrated tears.  I didn't snap at my husband for something that he didn't do to my liking.  I didn't get overwhelmed or panic.  There were some minor moments that I was feeling a little apprehension but just took a few deep breaths and let it pass.  These moments were silly and totally inconsequential and I was able to recognize that instead of letting it become a major issue for me.  That is a HUGE step for me and one that I hope I can continue.

So, was this night a success because of the Zoloft?  Because of the Ativan?  Because I was experiencing a placebo effect from just knowing I was taking meds?  Was it something completely different?  Maybe the night just had so few snags that it didn't matter one way or the other.  I'm not sure but I do know that I'm very happy with how the evening went, how I felt during it, and the fact that I'm slowly getting my life back.  Yay me!

Apprehension

Tomorrow, my husband and I are hosting a dinner party to celebrate Mabon.  When I first had the idea to do this, I had planned to be at least three weeks into taking my meds.  So we invited people and started making plans and then found out I wouldn't be able to see the doctor until the Monday prior to the party.

Fuck.

Still, I was excited for the party and didn't want to cancel.  So the plans continued.  I made lists and did what I could to keep calm and stress-free while still getting things prepared.  It has gone mostly okay thus far.

But now that it is the day before the party, I'm feeling nervous and somewhat overwhelmed.  I know that I'm nearly ready for the party and that I can get everything done that needs to be completed before the party begins.  As much as I hated to do it, I even made arrangements to have our dogs boarded overnight since they aren't the best with people they don't know all that well.  Just one less thing for me to worry about.

I am nervous that I will freak out.  The people invited are some of my nearest and dearest friends.  I know they love me, understand me, and know about my issues.  I know they will understand if I need to excuse myself to cry a bit and compose myself.  I know that I will be in a safe and accepting environment.  But still, I am nervous.

I'm planning to take my Ativan tomorrow.  I can take up to three of them a day and will be taking the maximum dosage just to help me be in the most prepared mindset and calm mood. 

Tomorrow will be a huge test for me.  I'm confident I can make it through the night but am less confident that I can do it without having a problem of some sort. 

Describing my depression

When I was first diagnosed with depression, the disease was very unfamiliar to me.  I knew what it was like to be sad and have an episode of depression but had no clue that having depression was so different.  Over the past thirteen years, I've done a great deal of research on depression and other forms of mental illness, especially those that I've been diagnosed with or have come up as possibilities for me.

And still, I do not know how to accurately describe it and how it feels to me.

This is in part to the fact that every day is different.  There are recurring themes but I don't know what combo I will deal with at any given moment.  It is a very personal thing but also one that I want to share with those I'm closest to so that they may understand me a bit better.

Every so often, I find a picture or a quote that really describes it well.  Here's one:

Scary stuff, huh?  Of course, if you have never read the "Harry Potter" books or seen any of the "Harry Potter" movies, this will mean nothing to you.  But if you have, then you probably shuddered when you read it. 

Long ago, I remember hearing about encouraging children who have cancer to picture the cancer as monsters.  This gave the kids a visual image of the disease and would help them to focus on using thought and imagery to maintain a good mindset during the radiation, chemotherapy and other treatments.  It also made it easier for them to understand what they were fighting against and what they hoped to defeat.

A dementor is a good representation of my depression.  It is big, scary and completely unpredictable.  It can literally suck the life right out of me, leaving me a shell of who I used to be.  It strikes fear in me, as well as those around me who see what it is doing to me.  They can be defeated, if you know how and if you are dedicated to fighting.

Panic attack coping mechanisms

I also started relying on various coping mechanisms to either alleviate the panic attack or lessen it. 

• Repetition -- Repeating mantras or chants over and over in my head helps me get out of my head and focus on the present and not the panic attack.  I sometimes will recite the presidents of the United States as well.
• Using my five senses -- Taking a drink of something very cold or hot helps me be present.  Popping in a piece of gum or a mint also works.  I sometimes take a deep breath of something nearby that smells pleasant.  I also will tap my fingers together in various patterns.  By utilizing one of my five senses, I can change my focus.
• Counting -- I will count objects I see, constantly moving to another set of objects once the former has been counted.
• Breath work -- By focusing on my breathing, I can slow it down and help myself calm.  Sometimes I will cycle my breathing by inhaling for a count of one, holding for a count of one, exhaling for a count of one and then increase it to two, then three, then four.  Once I hit four, I try to maintain that level.  I will breathe into a paper bag as well if I am hyperventilating or on the verge of hyperventilating. 
• Grounding and centering -- This is a method of connecting to myself and connecting to the earth and life around me in a way that is safe and non-threatening.
• Safe people -- There are certain people in my life that I call my safe people.  These people know me and recognize my panic symptoms.  They are able to help me calm down or aid me in escaping a situation with dignity and grace.  If I am with these people, I feel safe and prepared.   
• Having a plan -- Knowing the details is very important to me.  I'm not fond of surprises and don't adapt quickly to changes in a schedule.  If I know where I'm going, who could be there, what will be expected of me and how long I will be there, I can plan accordingly.  There is safety in having a planned schedule.

By getting a grasp on my panic disorders,
I diminished its power over me and my life.