Panic attack tools

Because my panic attacks seem to be returning, I wanted to share these tips that I found at the Healthy Place in the article "Ten Things To Do For A Panic Attack."

1. Have an exit plan. This is a must for me.  The better prepared I feel going into a situation, the better I tend to handle everything, even if a panic attack happens. 

2. Have someone you can count on ready to call. I'm lucky that I have several someones that I can count on.  It is nice knowing they are there and even better to be sure they will answer when you call.

3. Spend time with your pet. A personal favorite.

4. Have a tranquilizer with you. It is rare that I do not have several tablets of Ativan on me.  I have some in my purse and I have some in a key chain holder-type thing.  I also have a few stashed in a small baggie in my wallet. 

5. Interact with water. I love this one.  Water is very calming for me.  When possible, the full-submersion method is best but taking a sip of water also works.  The easiest way to interact with water is to wash your hands. 

6. Give yourself a massage or have your loved one give you one. While this helps, it is a bit more difficult to accomplish without drawing further attention to yourself. 

7. Forward bend. This doesn't work so well for me if I am standing.  If I'm sitting, it works a little better but not worth the effort.  Because I often feel hot when I'm having a panic attack, balling up only increases the heat and pushes the panic up several notches.

8. Stare at yourself in the mirror. Nope.  Nada.  If anything, it will escalate the attack.  Tend to also work into a shame spiral and the gremlins snag the opportunity to work their mischief in my brain,

9. Go for a walk. Another one that doesn't work for me.

10. Laugh. This one does work.  Besides getting in a better mood and focusing on something else, it's very difficult to panic while you are laughing.  It's the small things that make a big difference. 

Disruption

(I started this post on July 20, 2013 and I just proof-read it today.  I could add to it but I'm not in the same place I was then so my feeling and thoughts wouldn't be as authentic.)

More than anything, I get angry and frustrated when my depression and/or panic attacks screw up my life. It happened again last night/today.

We were to go to my husband's grandmother's birthday today. It was hosted by my mother-in-law. 

I couldn't go. Starting around 8 pm Friday evening, I was building into a panic attack. I took an Ativan and did some exercises to try to calm myself. It worked...a little. 

Tried to go to bed but panic attacks kept waking me. Took another Ativan and worked through some exercises. Attempted to go to sleep again. I was asleep for maybe 20 minutes when another panic attack hit. It was almost midnight. 

I tried most everything in my bag of tricks but nothing seemed to make enough of a difference to allow me any real relief or sleep. Off and on sleep and panic attack cycle started. All night long. 

When my husband's alarm went off, I was beyond frazzled.  I was maxed out on Ativan until 8 pm that evening and the panic was already swelling.  There was no way I would be able to attend the party.  In another place.  With a lot of people.  A distance from my home and comfort zone.

So I had to cancel. 

He made my apologies and most understood. 

This is one of the worst things about my illness. 

Like drowning

 

Right now, I'm drowning.  My soul hurts.  I am done on every level - emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual.  

I am downing because someone I love passed away.  Her void is felt already.  Her passing leaves my step father without any parents.  My heart is breaking for him.  I don't know how to console him.  Words simply do not come.  All I can do is offer to help out as best I can, to transport my brother, to be the charming hostess at the wake.  To remind him that I love him.  And that I am here.

I am downing because a child decided to end her own life. The child - this 19 year old child - was once like a daughter to me.  But then her mother and I dissolved our friendship.  I checked with the family to see if it would be okay for me to attend her funeral.  Her mother said she would be uncomfortable with me there.  So I will respect her wishes and not attend.  My heart is breaking.  The last interaction I had with this child was very positive.  But, out of respect, which is the same respect I showed by asking in the first place, I will honor the wishes of her mother.  I don't need to attend a funeral to pay my respects and honor the life of this child.  I do wish I could go though.

I'm downing because I am stressed.  So much is going on and I have so very little control over much of it.  I'm not good when I don't have some bit of control.  I have a ritual that I will be leading this coming weekend.  It's on finding and utilizing your inner peace.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to write about peace when you feel none?  Seriously, fuck peace and just let me get through the day without losing it and let me get through the night without waking in a cold sweat, on the edge of a panic attack, and with the looming night terrors still swimming in my brain.

I am downing because I'm tired and when I'm tired, I find it even more difficult to hold myself together.  I don't know how to deal with the sleepiness AND depression or stress or anxiety.  When I'm tired, I just do my best to get through the day and tackle the one most important task of that moment.

I'm downing.  And I wish it was literal instead of figurative.*

*I am not going to kill myself or attempt to harm myself in any way.  No worries. 

Broken

Yesterday was a bad day.  A very, very bad day. 

It wasn't because of depression.  It was because of something I had to do.

Yes, had to do.  I need to remind myself of that until I believe it.   Because I really cannot even remotely fathom believing it at the point.

I cannot write about it now.  The emotions are just too raw.  But I feel broken.

I did have a panic attack though.

Hopefully I will be able to write about the very, very bad days soon.

But I am forever changed.  Nothing from this day forward will ever truly be the same.

Transform anxiety

As of right now, I have a pretty good handle on my anxiety.  I'm very aware of situations that tend to cause me to feel anxiety and even those that can result in a panic attack.  Because of this awareness, I can be proactive and mostly avoid the panic attacks.  It's a wonderful thing for me. 

I am always looking for other methods to keeping my anxiety at bay.  In this article at Tiny Buddha, I found three tips to help in the moment.  I haven't had the opportunity - YAY - to but them to the test, but wanted to post them anyway.

If you find yourself fraught with anxiety, feeling fearful about the future, you will attract your worst fears. When anxiety tries to bring us down, there are 3 things we can do:

1. Take a moment and see what feelings underlie your fears.

Then see if you can figure out how you’d rather feel and choose to feel that feeling instead. If you are having a hard time lifting your mood, get busy doing something you enjoy that will raise your positive vibration.

It’s easy to raise our vibration. Engaging in our hobbies is a great way to bump our vibes up a few notches, and it can be anything really—playing sports, cooking, baking, gardening, playing music, cleaning, exercising, meditating, practicing yoga, singing, dancing, crafting, building, organizing, or snuggling with your pet.

When we keep ourselves elevated, it’s really hard for anxiety to find us, helping to keep negative experiences at bay.

2. Instead of gripping at fear and worrying about whether or not something will work out, just know that it will.

This is what it means to have faith. Just know that no matter what the outcome, you will be okay, and if it is in your highest interest to have what you want, you will have it.

3. And last, ask the universe for what you want and then let go of the outcome.

Instead of focusing on what you want, focus on how you can be of service. When we are serving others, we are tapping into more of that feel-good energy, which will bring us more feel-good experiences.

Show up each day ready to serve the world, your family, your environment, and yourself. Focus on how you can add value to the lives of others. Good experiences will come to you.

Once we realize the root of anxiety, it is easier for us to transform it into positivity. I wish you all a blissful day!

This is how depression looks on me

This is me, a week or so ago.  And this is what depression looks like on me. 

Am I happy? 

Am I sad? 

Am I anxious or nervous or crying? 

No.

I'm also not putting on a mask. 

The expression on my face is exactly how I felt in the moment even though I was going through a tough time and having a massive spike in my depression.  Perhaps 20 minutes later, I would have been smiling, my eyes crinkled in joy.  Or I could have been sobbing into my pillow.

Depression isn't always depicted by tears or sorrow written all over my face.  I don't have to be curled into the fetal position, rocking myself for comfort to indicate I'm depressed.   I can be smiling and laughing and seemingly enjoying the moment and still have the dark clouds swarming through my mind. 

What I'm trying to point out is that you cannot tell by looking at me, at any given moment, if I am struggling.  My facial expressions and body posture can clue you in to what is going on within my mind but neither are definite correlations to what is going on in there.  Crying doesn't automatically equal depression, just as laughter doesn't always equal happiness.  Just because I'm sleeping more than normal is not a warning that I'm about to crash. 

If you want to know how I'm doing, ask me. 

P.S. The same goes when I'm having a panic attack or in a panic mode.  You cannot tell by looking at me.  Changes in my body language, mood, expressions mean very little to indicate what may or may not be going on inside my mind.  

5 simple exercises for managing anxiety

From the website Psych Central.  These are all good tips and I've heard all of them before.  Still, a refresher doesn't hurt and by making sure they are added to my blog, I know that I can find them in the future.  And you never know who they might help out.  

Even as I love the autumn season, it is full of anxiety for me.

I start to mourn the ending of summer when I hear the cicadas grow louder the last two weeks of August and when I feel the crispness in the air at that time, which brings less sunlight and longer nights. Then the back-to-school craze: buying shoes, supplies, backpacks, etc. and trying to catch up on the homework we didn’t do during June and July. By the time I make it to the parent-teacher conferences in early September, when I hear about all the things I’m supposed to be doing with the kids, I’m well into panic mode.

Yesterday my therapist and I talked about a few coping exercises to keep my anxiety from disabling me this time of year.

1. Pick a sound or object to be your Xanax.

My therapist looks up to the clouds. They calm her down in traffic or whenever she feels anxious. For me it’s the water. I don’t now if it’s because I’m a Pisces (fish), but the water has always calmed me down in the same way as Xanax, and since I don’t take the latter (as a recovering alcoholic, I try to stay away from sedatives), I need to rely on the former. So I just downloaded some “ocean waves” that I can listen to on my iPod when I feel that familiar knot in my stomach.

2. Repeat: “I am good enough.”

My therapist reminded me this morning that even if I don’t meet other people’s standards or my own, I am good enough for myself. And that’s all that really matters. So whenever I feel the pinch of anxiety when I don’t have time to call back a friend or send a response to an email or write the blog post that I said I’d write, I should remind myself that I am good enough for me.

3. Take it one minute at a time.

One cognitive adjustment that helps relieve anxiety is reminding myself that I don’t have to think about 2:45 pm when I pick up the kids from school and how I will be able to cope with the noise and chaos when I’m feeling this way, or about the boundary issue I have with a friend–whether or not I’m strong enough to continue putting myself first in that relationship. All I have to worry about is the very second before me. If I am successful at breaking my time down that way, I usually discover that everything is fine for the moment.

4. Pay attention to your breath.

Another easy exercise to ground yourself in the moment and manage anxiety is to concentrate on your breath–and move it ever so gradually from your chest to your diaphragm–because the extra oxygen will send a message to your prefrontal cortex that every thing is just fine even though the fear center of the brain (the amygdala) doesn’t think so at all.

5. Learn from it.

Anxiety doesn’t have to be triggered by an event, but it certainly can motion some adjustment that you need to make in your life. My anxiety says that I am doing too much, once again. Over the summer I forgot about my fragile chemistry and attempted to work full time and take care of the kids full time until, in August, I was going on fumes. What adjustments do I need to make? Bite off less professionally and invest more energy into finding good help for the kids and housework. Because I can’t do it all.

Herbal remedies for anxiety

A friend of mine shared this on Facebook.  It is from the website Nature Hacks.

Anxiety often robs a person of the normal joys and pleasures of life. So much focus may be placed on the things which cause anxiety that it can be difficult for those who suffer from anxiety disorders and panic attacks to relax and enjoy their employment, their family or their friends. Thankfully, there are a number of herbal remedies and alternative therapies available to help reduce anxiety and restore full enjoyment of life.

There has been a good deal written about Kava. In fact, research has shown that it is an effective treatment for anxiety; however there are grave concerns regarding the safety of Kava. It has been connected with liver failure and more research is needed to guarantee its safety. In 2002 the Federal and Drug Administration (FDA) issued strong warnings about the use of Kava and some countries have banned its use altogether.

Even though the safety of Kava is in question, there are other herbal remedies that have been proven both safe and effective in treating anxiety disorder and panic attacks.
 
Passionflower:
This central nervous system depressant provides an overall feeling of calm. It is ideal for use both during the day and in the evening when sudden anxiety may set in or when waking from a nightmare. Passionflower also helps with anxiety-related conditions like insomnia and gastrointestinal disorder. A word of warning though for those using a MAO inhibitor: Speak first with a trusted medical professional before taking passionflower.
 
Valerian:
Probably the best known of all the anti-anxiety herbals, valerian impacts a person in much the same way as Valium, but without the side-effects and addictive qualities. Valerian relaxes the muscles making it easier to sleep and is therefore ideal for those looking to improve the quality of rest they get each night.
 
Lemon Balm: Another safe and effective herbal remedy for anxiety disorders and panic attacks. Lemon balm is known to reduce anxiety and improve sleep.
 
Green Tea:
Brimming with antioxidants this herbal remedy is known to reduce signs of aging, aide in weight loss, improve heart health, boost the immune system, and even protect against cancer. In addition, green tea contains Theanine which is proven to be both safe and effective at reducing stress and relieving anxiety.

How to deal with depression and relieve stress and anxiety

This is from KB at KtotheB.com.  It's a great video and really makes you think.  The main concepts are from Byron Katie, who has some amazing information on her website.

When you have thoughts enter into your mind, ask yourself these four questions so that you may further examine your thoughts:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

Anxiety - how to keep it at bay

Great post from Zen Mama.

“This, too, shall pass.”

“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.”
~Thich Nhat Hanh

Anxiety. We all have it. Some more than others. Usually, I’m able to keep anxiety at bay. It’s a horrible feeling, more than just butterflies in your stomach; more like a rock in your stomach. Fear and anxiety can keep us from action. Immobilize you. You want to hide away. It’s hard to feel relaxed. Anxiety wakes me up at night.

It was anxiety that first started Zen Mama. Mainly, the fear that my son wouldn’t graduate from high school and go on to college inspired me to become a Zen Mama and write about it in my first book, How To Be A Zen Mama. My worry hurt our relationship. I taught myself that if I could let go of worry, I could actually be closer to my kids.

And now, this week that same son found out he is graduating from college on time. He’s passed two Clep tests, the last hurdle he needed to graduate next month on time.

But don’t think that I never feel worry any more. I’ve just gotten better at handling the worry. In fact, anxiety reared it’s ugly head these last two weeks. I was unprepared for it and it sucked me in, keeping me up at night. It was waiting for the results of our oldest’s tests but also our recent home sale. We put our house up for sale and it sold in 2 days. Which is really great! But waiting for the deadlines to pass was nerve racking. And then the unknown… where will we be living in a month?

I remember my first anxious parenting moment before our oldest was even born. Our first ultra sound didn’t show a cerebellum in the baby. They would check again at the next appointment the following week. That was such a tough week waiting! I kept telling myself that if the doctors were really concerned they’d have me in the next day. (And of course he does have a cerebellum!) While raising kids there were always things to be anxious about. Looking back, most of those worries didn’t really matter.

It’s human nature to cling to the fear. So, I have to pull out my little bag of tricks to help keep that anxiety at bay. What’s in my bag of tricks?

1. I’ve learned you can’t make fear go away completely. You have to face your anxiety with calm. Deep breaths help.

2. I ask myself, “What’s the worst thing that can happen if this come to pass?” And I remind myself that 9 times out of 10 what I fear never comes to pass. And if that one thing does come to pass, then move forward with courage.

3. Once I acknowledge the fear, I can begin to let go of expectations.

4. I say this quote to myself, “if you can solve your problem what’s the use of worrying? If you can’t solve your problem then what’s the use of worrying?”

5. I try to think positively rather than negatively.

6. I exercise, take a walk, be in nature. Time stands still in nature. And I remind myself that nature takes what’s given and still remains beautiful.

7. I remind myself that things seem worse at night. Often I feel better in the morning, even when I have trouble sleeping at night.

8. Try manifesting the positive through I AM statements. Saying I AM is a powerful affirmation that makes things happen!

9. Lastly I have a good friend to remind me of all these things! I’m very lucky to have the Zen Papa!

Anxiety is not something that will ever go away. But our reaction can change the way we feel it. And that’s what being a Zen Mama or Papa is all about, changing our reaction to life’s worries and negative situations. Every moment is a chance to let go and feel relief.

“Rule number one is, don’t sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it’s all small stuff.”
~ Robert Eliot

Diary of a panic attack

This is from Anxiety Adventures.  It's accurate but, in my experience, no two panic attacks have been exactly alike.  Many of my panic attacks have had one or several of the above feelings/sensations.  There are many more, none of which I can recall at this exact moment.  You don't have the composure to analyze the panic attack in the moment that it is happening.  And after?  Well, after you are so exhausted and thankful you survived.  Your body hurts.  More than anything, you don't wish to relive the moments that have just passed so you don't and do your best to move on.  That makes it incredibly difficult to describe a panic attack.

Your head begins to swim, just slightly. Perhaps the back of your head begins to tingle – small tingles, almost like there are hundreds of fingers gently poking the base of your head. Time passes as your swimming, tingly head begins to get hot.

Your thoughts start to spin faster. You have trouble deciphering your thoughts.

Your throat begins to collapse…it doesn’t close necessarily, but it gets more difficult to breathe, like the sensitive part beneath your adam’s apple is caving in.

Among your muddled thoughts, a few appear and they are saying

• You can’t breathe.
• This isn’t safe.
• You’re going to die.
• You need to get out of here.
• You’re having a panic attack.

Once you realize it’s a panic attack, your flight response takes over, your thoughts are replaced with panic and you can’t think at all. Your whole body begins to tremble and you aren’t sure whether it’s noticeable. No position seems comfortable or comforting but you are unsure what position your body is even in. You have no awareness of your body.

Your head is filled with loud warning bells, flashing lights, flashing images, all moving at 1,000 miles per hour. You’re light-headed and weak, you can’t possible move.

Are you breathing? You aren’t sure.

Surely hours have passed since this all began, right? I’ve been panicking for hours.

The only thing that’s clear is that you are going to die. You are definitely dying.
 




 And then it stops. All of your muscles are tense. Your mind is filled with sand. You can breathe, albeit shakily. You may find your body in a position you don’t remember it being in.

Then the shame and embarrassment creep. Why did I have a panic attack? I should be able to control this.

Managing social anxiety: tips and tricks

This post was from the blog Anxiety Adventures.  It was humorous and somewhat helpful.

The first section covers Goofy ideas.

Adopt Fake Personas - I once held a job that required a lot of human interactions: in person and on the phone. The job was within college admissions, so I had to interview students, speak to large groups, coordinate and schmooze during recruitment events, etc. In college, I was a tour guide (and I was magnificent.)  I became a different person. I accessed a version of myself that isn’t socially anxious:

• She’s goofy
• She tells self-deprecating jokes
• She asks a lot of questions

To varying degrees, I put forward this fake persona nearly every day. It’s how I function in daily society.

The Downside: It is exhausting!

Wear a Subtle Costume - For anxiety-producing events, wearing a subtle costume makes transitioning to the fake persona easier. Wear a tie. Put on a little makeup. Do something slightly out of your comfort zone.
For example, I would dress like the people I was recruiting during an admissions open house. Once, I wore a wildly patterned shirt, puffed out my hair, wore heels, wore a bunch of makeup, and put on nail polish (for the second time in my life). Think Jersey Shore. Since this costume wasn’t necessarily subtle, I told my coworkers about the game I was playing – I was being a Staten Island mom. The acting and showmanship made the anxiety less intense.

The Downside: Again, exhausting. But it also sets a precedent that you’ll be hilarious for future events.

Generate a Caffeine Buzz - This bit is easy for me since I avoid caffeine in my daily life – it makes me crazytown.  To combat the anxiety, I’ve downed a 5 Hour Energy before the event and let the craziness sizzle. Caffeine trumps anxiety; I feel so wired and jittery that it’s almost a dissociative experience.

The Downside: The caffeine crash almost instantly causes high anxiety and/or a depression lull.

Now on to the Serious Tactics.

Don’t Wear a Coat - This tip is the most important.  If you don’t wear a coat, you can dominate the Irish Goodbye (where you leave a party without saying goodbye to anyone.) For cold weather events, layer appropriately and bring a bag that will accommodate a hat, scarf and gloves (which you can put on once you hit the sidewalk).

The Downside: You might have to face questions like, “What happened you last night?” the next day.

Ask the Host Questions & Develop a Strategy - Before a gathering, I usually ask the following questions:

• Who will be there? What’s their deal?
• Who will I be expected to interact with?
• What is the environment like (e.g. loud, crowded, interactive, etc.)?
• What should I expect (dancing, games, small talk)?

There are other questions, but those are the first that come to mind. Think about what makes you most anxious and develop questions around those anxieties.

Once you get the answers, create a plan. “Bob will be there. Bob is a Mechanical Engineer for NASA. He and I can talk about whether Iran really sent a monkey to space.” “Sally collects taxidermied cats. We can talk about how she got into that hobby and whether she kills the cats herself.”

The Downside: Anything that happens outside of the plan causes tremendous anxiety.

Ask for a Job - This works best when the gathering is task-oriented (bridal showers, company parties, etc.) Ask the hosts whether you can help. Chances are they’ll say no, but that shouldn’t stop you! Look around: does food need to be replenished? Should you clean up empty cups or plates?

My favorite job is doing the dishes because you are deemed very helpful, it keeps you in one spot, and usually other people ignore you (other than saying, “Oh, you’re so good!”

The Downside: People catch on to this after a while.

Set a Time Limit - Say to yourself, “I’ll leave after an hour.” This way, regardless of your discomfort, you can count down the minutes until you leave.  An hour is usually what I set myself, but give yourself a time limit that’s ambitious but reasonable, otherwise you’re going to either

• feel guilty for cutting out too early
• flee early because you were too ambitious

If someone at the event knows about your anxiety, it helps to tell them this plan. “I’m going but I can only stay for an hour” is a reasonable thing to say.

Arriving a bit late helps because then you might not to be the first person to leave.

The Downside: Being the last to arrive and the first to leave is awkward.

20 Thoughts to help relieve anxiety and depression

1. In order to have good things, there must be bad things.
2. You’ll never be perfect—just like everyone else.
3. People are mean or angry or sad because they need to be at that time.
4. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
5. You can’t control everything and everyone.
6. Money and wealth are not the same.
7. You’re exactly where you are right now because that’s where you need to be.
8. You don’t want or need to know the future.
9. No one will remember the little flub you made in the office or at home earlier.
10. Life doesn’t assault you or throw curve balls at you; you get what you give.
11. If you don’t like someone or they don’t like you it’s because you each see yourself in them.
12. Right now, at this instant, you have everything you need to be happy: Air in your lungs, blood in your veins, and lips to smile with.
13. When things break and need mending, it gives us something to do.
14. Everyone makes mistakes.
15. Success has no standard definition.
16. Life is very simple.
17. You don’t need something to be happy. You need someone—and that someone is you.
18. Just like you look up to someone, someone out there looks up to you. Act accordingly.
19. There’s a lesson hidden in everything.
20. Other people have had your problems before and managed to overcome them. You can too.

The above thoughts are from the blog post of the same name at Tiny Buddha.

Quickie

I haven't posted in a while and it is not because nothing has been going on.  Actually, quite a bit has been happening but I've just been unmotivated to up-date.  I don't really feel like playing catch up so I'm just going to do a few highlights.

Blu - My Blu ecig starter kit arrived.  It is perfect.  I smoke without the nicotine, tar, etc. and get to use it as a tension breaker and stress reliever.  I love it and I have really been able to cut down on my Ativan.

Driving - I'm currently house and pet sitting for my dad and his wife while they are on vacation.  I drove here by myself.  It's a huge accomplishment for me.  For one, I had to drive through Lincoln which meant lots of cars, lots of exits and more lanes of traffic.  I also had to drive in to Omaha and am driving around Omaha.  That means crazy traffic, unfamiliar areas and much more insanity.  But I'm doing okay.

I also had to make a fast trip back home on Sunday because my Katana was having anxiety issues.  We drove back to Kearney and then turned around to come back to Omaha.  I was gone from my father's house for just over seven hours, six of which were spent driving.

Meds - I've been on the 150 mg of Zoloft for just over a week now.  Nothing.  I need to call Dr. S and let him know.  Wonder what will happen next?

Out of my safe zone - Because I am house and dog sitting, I'm not in my familiar surroundings with my things and my life.  It stresses me out but, so far, I'm doing fairly well.  I will be here for at least five more days.  Keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have any issues.

Being busy and visiting people - During my time in Omaha, I have scheduled a visit to friends and family.  Every day I'm going to see someone.  This is also a little overwhelming for me but I put myself into this position.  I almost backed out of seeing a darling friend, her husband and the munchkins because I was feeling nervous and panicked.  But I didn't and I'm really glad that I went to see them.  It was good for my soul.

I might elaborate on some of the above blurbs at some point, but for now, it's a good record of issues and how I'm dealing with any problems that may arise. 

3 things panic attacks don't want you to know.

Thank you, Tiny Buddha.

... If we think of a panic attack as a villain who steals away pieces of our soul, these are the three techniques that he wouldn’t want us to know about.

1. Acceptance

One of the most powerful things that you can do in the midst of a panic attack is to accept it. I know that seems to go against all rational thought.

Don’t I want the panic attack to go away? Sure I do. But noticing the panic and accepting that it’s visiting me is the first step. Realizing that I’m having a panic attack instead of being lost in the dream of panic creates some space to work with it.

One way to work with it is to lie down on the floor and feel the anxiety and panic flowing through the body. Accept that it’s there. Feel it completely.

I notice my chest feeling tight and my heart pounding, notice the sweating or feeling of being light-headed or dizzy. I let the anxiety develop completely, inviting it to overcome me like a wave of uncomfortableness.

Yes, it can get pretty nasty. But usually at the point when I feel like my whole being is going to explode from so much anxiety, something almost unimaginable happens: a release.

The panic begins to fade, moving away from me like the tide slowly going back out to sea. I’m left a little tired, a little drained, but also relieved.

It’s important to know that a panic attack won’t last.

Nothing lasts forever—not pleasant things, not unpleasant things, not panic attacks.

It’s not necessary to lie on the floor.

Sometimes I find myself in certain social situations where being stretched out on the floor would look just plain nutty. This technique works just as well sitting in my truck, behind a desk, or hiding in a bathroom stall. We do what we must.
 

2. Breathing

A lot of people say to take deep breaths when you’re having a panic attack. I think this is sound advice, but I like to put a slightly different spin on it.

Take a walk.

That’s right. Go walking.

Walking is awesome because it gets the blood flowing, the heart pumping, and if it’s a brisk walk, it forces you to breathe more deeply.

Sometimes I feel like my anxieties and fears are chasing me, but I’m walking away from them. Other times, I just feeling like I’m burning off some built-up energy that has nowhere to go.

Running would probably also be helpful, but I will only run in the event of The Zombie Apocalypse.
 
3. Naming

Another really effective technique that I practice is to name the feelings and thoughts as I’m having a panic attack. I learned this technique from listening to Tara Brach’s podcasts on iTunes. It’s super effective and very simple to learn. (*Note: Tara Brach’s podcasts are free on iTunes.)

In the midst of the panic attack, I focus on any feelings or thoughts that are arising and name them either out loud or silently to myself. I sometimes even grab a notebook and write them. For instance:
I feel tightness in my chest

I feel my racing heartbeat.

My mouth is dry, my head aches, and I’m a little dizzy.

I feel like I’m going to fall off of a cliff.

I’m feeling bad about feeling bad because this anxiety destroys relationships.

I feel like no one is ever going to love me again.

My jaw is clenching.

There’s a knot in my stomach.

I feel like a loser.

I feel like I don’t belong here.

I feel like I suck.

I’m afraid I’m going to fail.

I hear a pounding in my ears.

I feel unqualified, unworthy, unnecessary.

Once again, it’s helpful to remind myself that this is a panic attack, that it will pass, but it needs to be allowed to.

I remind myself that this awful time in my life will pass like all the others. How do I know this? If I look back over the course of my life, I can see it.

I’ve had some great times. They’ve passed. I’ve had some awful times. They’ve passed, too. I can see that everything before this has passed.

This also will pass. It has to.

These simple techniques can work, but you have to put them into practice.

It’s like learning to play a musical instrument or a sport; the more you practice, the better you get at it. If one of the techniques isn’t working, I switch to another one.

I believe that, in the moment, we always pick the right one.

Christmas with the family 2012, part 3

(If you are interested, you can catch up by first reading part one and then part two.)
 
We got up the next day (Sunday) and started getting ready.  At one point during the week, I mentioned to my dad that we would try to be to his house, if we stayed the night with my mom, between 9:00 am and 10:00 am.  At 9:01 he called.

I didn't answer.

He left a voicemail and I checked it.  He was just wondering when we were coming over.  I did eventually call him back but it was probably an hour later. 

We got packed up and I sent my husband and the kids over to my dad's house.  I was going to ride with my step dad, brother and sister-in-law since my step dad wasn't completely sure where my had lived.  He knew the general area and I could have given him the address but really didn't want to deal with a potential travel issue like we had the day before. 

Me and my people arrived at my dad's house but my hubby and the kids weren't there yet.  I had jokingly mentioned that it was funny that they were going to have to go over first and he replied that maybe they'd hide out a bit first.  I wasn't happy and the anxiety level rose. 

Since it was cold and snowing, I tried to get my sister-in-law into the house quickly but the safety feature on her new wheelchair made it impossible to do so on my own. My brother went to help and we almost dumped her.  Luckily, my step dad helped out and we were successful. 

After we got them in and settled and I did a quick meet and greet to my dad, his wife and the doggies, I headed outside to call my hubby.  Apparently they had gone to get gasoline for the van and were on their way.  I asked them to hurry because I was building into a panic and my Ativan was in the car with them.

Once they arrived, everything seemed to run smoothly.  There weren't any arguments or even minor disagreements.  We ate lunch and then moved on to the gift portion of the day.  After we were visiting and I mentioned that it would be really nice to have our holiday celebration in Kearney.  We had talked about doing that this year but with my sister graduating from college, it just wasn't feasible. 

When it seemed like things were wrapping up, I checked the clock and realized that if we left soon, we could still visit with my husband's mom when we stopped in York and make it home in time to pick up the dogs from the doggie hotel. Hugs and goodbyes and we were out. 

Hit York and picked up the car from my mother-in-law.  I took off while my husband and the kids visited with my mother-in-law.I drove - again - by myself, on the interstate.  And I did good!!!

Got home.  Got the dogs.  Got everything back inside and unpacked. Finally, I could relax.

It was a hectic and stressful weekend but I survived.  We all did.  It wasn't perfect but I got to see my family.  My little sister crossed off another milestone in her life.  We were able to give gifts and receive them.  There was laughter and tears with not all the tears being those out of anger or stress or from being upset.

Day two on 300 mg

It is day number two since my Wellbutrin was upped from 150 mg to 300 mg daily.  So far, I'm not feeling anything one way or the other...and it's not that I thought I would so soon.  I am being hyper-vigilant about keeping an eye on my anxiety because that seems to be the area to worry about.  Every other change that this increase could cause should be for the better.  

I'm hopeful that this adjustment to my medication regime will give me the boost I need to really feel as though I'm getting better.  I just need some oomph and motivation.  It would also be nice to take the edge off the depression and the anxiety.  Hell, it would be great if it all just went away and I could move on with my life.  I know that is a pipe dream since there isn't a cure for depression.  But I can hope and there's nothing wrong with hoping.

In other news, I had a massive panic attack just a little bit ago.  It stemmed from an argument I had with my father.  A lot of past issues were dredged up and the topic of my little sister became a partial focus.  There were tears and some harsh words spoken.  Towards the end of the call, I just didn't have it in my anymore.  I couldn't argue and I couldn't fight.  Since he needed to end the phone call anyway, I cut him off and said I'd talk to him later before ending the call.  I feel a bit bad about how it ended but am glad that it did.  There is a strong chance that he will call back later.  I really don't want to talk to him anymore today and it is honestly for the best if we don't.  I think we both need to calm down and get some breathing room before we chat again.

To me, the panic attack had nothing to do with the increase on the Wellbutrin.  I did want to note it though. 

Christmas with the family 2012, part 2

(If you missed part one, you can read it here.)

Me, my husband, the kids, my brother and his wife have all arrived at my mom and step dad's house for the extended family Christmas celebration.  They'd played a few games, had some snacks and drank some alcohol before we arrived.  Most everyone was in a good mood.

I made the rounds telling people hello and engaging in some brief small talk.  K had to finish her homework, so she headed downstairs to complete it.  It was our agreement since she hadn't wanted to work on it earlier.

The anxiety was lessening but I still felt as though I was teetering on the edge of a breakdown.  Definitely not a fun place to be.  I then had an interaction with my mother that pushed me over the edge.  I don't know if it was because I was really upset by what she said or if it was just that proverbial straw the broke the camels back.

My mom informed me we were getting ready to play another game.  She told me I was in charge of rounding up our immediate family which meant her, my step dad, my husband, the kids, my brother and his wife.  Mom said we needed to wait for my sister-in-law to be done with something - I think she was using the bathroom.  I mentioned that K was finishing her homework and it would be nice to wait for her.  Mom just made some flippant remark that K would just have to miss it.

I think I responded with the "whatever" remark that is so deadly and vague before excusing myself to get some air in the garage.  My eyes were tearing up and tears were threatening to fall but I made it out before that could happen.  My husband was close on my heels and I filled him in.  I was upset/angry/pissed because, to me, my mom was willing to wait for my sister-in-law but not my step daughter.  It was unfair and me, being a mama bear, did not like her cubs getting shafted on the fun.

After talking it out with my husband, getting some fresh air and calming down, I returned to the inside.  I do remember my mom mentioning that she hadn't meant her statement to sound as bitchy as it probably did but I cannot remember if that was before or after I went into the garage. 

The rest of the extended family Christmas seemed to go well.  There were games and food.  We chatted a great deal and shared a lot of laughs.  Once that wound down and the extended family had left, we had our immediate family Christmas.  It was very low-key and relaxing.

Oh, as the extended family part was winding down, my dad called.  We had planned to spend the night at his house but only if we were going to be done at my mom's house at a reasonable time and if he and his wife would still be awake.  It was getting late so I said we would just stay at mom's again.  He was bummed but I told him we'd be over mid-morning on Sunday.

The night finished off and we headed to bed.

And with that, I will sign off.  The final part will be up soonish.

(It's up and you can read it here.)

Road trip

Today I'm driving to Grand Island.  It is about fifty miles away from here and should take me about an hour drive time.  This is the first time I've driven myself out of town in a very long time.  I'm a little nervous but I know I'm going to be okay.

Car rides have been problems for me for the past several years.  I get terrified and jumpy.  It doesn't matter if I am driving or is someone else is driving.  This only happens on longer trips since I am fine driving or riding in town.

For family trips, I've found that there are things I can do to help ease the anxiety.  If I have Ativan, I take one at least an hour before we leave.  I usually take another one as soon as I get into the car.  I sit in the back seat and wear headphones with the music playing as loud as I can stand it.  I also read or play games on my phone.  Keeping me cool also helps a great deal since feeling too warm or hot is a trigger for me.  Chewing gum or sucking on some hard candy is another good thing.  By engaging so many of my senses simultaneously, my brain doesn't have time or energy...or at least not as much...to obsess about the fact that I'm in a car and could possibly die.

When I get the chance to drive, I feel a little better.  It's a control issue.  Not only do I have control over the vehicle, but the driver also has ultimate say on the music and the temperature in the vehicle.

I'm sure I will update soon about how this journey goes.  I'm trying to be as confident as possible and not over-think it.

Phone phobia

The other day, my phone rang.  It was someone I know but I choose to not answer.  My husband and stepkids were questioning me about why I didn't answer.  I tried to just blow it off with some lame excuse.  They didn't let me get away with it so I tried to break it down and explain it.

I'd never done this before.  But, I'm now glad that I can put my fear into words.

I don't have an actual fear of talking on the phone.  My fear is that I'm caught by surprise and don't know how to make a conversation flow when I feel ambushed by the call.  More often than not, I will ignore a call and listen to the voicemail.  (For the record, I hate it when someone calls and doesn't leave a message.  If you do that, I generally won't call you back unless you call multiple times.)  Once I hear the voicemail, I know what the caller wanted and am better prepared for the phone conversation.  I will then call them back.

And that is for numbers that I do know.  Forget about me answering if your number is not in my phone. 

I'm generally okay with calls from my parents, sister or brother.  My husband and stepkids are always on the answer list.  My best friends will not be ignored.  But anyone else, more than likely you will not reach me on a first call.

Perhaps it is childish or stupid but it is how I work.  It is one of those little tricks I have developed to help me best handle life and the situations it may toss in my direction.