Recap, part 3

Obviously there has been a shit-ton of changes in my life.  Although many are bad situations, I'm maybe doing better than anyone thought I would be, especially under the circumstances.  (This is prior to K's death and we will get to that shortly.)  From the time I moved to Omaha until just before K's death, I've had good friends and random acquaintances remark that I seemed "happy" and "happier than they'd seen me in a long time."  Truth be told, I was doing good.

I was taking better care of myself on all levels.  I was working in a job I truly love, was finding myself and my purpose, and acclimating to my new normal.  It would have been perfect if I had my kids.  (And my dogs. And my friends.  And my Pagan community.)  Yes, there were rough days and some extended downward spirals, but I was managing, maybe even thriving.

There were some new meds and medication changes.  Some other health issues were addressed and being treated.  I found myself experiencing real emotions and many of those were positive and good.  I did have a three week spiral where I was out of work and really struggling.  Thankfully, FMLA was an option and my job was secure.

And then she died.

Maybe it was shock or just pushing through fueled on no sleep and lots of caffeine but I initially handled things rather well.  Of course I was devastated and bawling, but I was going through the motions of getting through the memorial and funeral, taking care of Z, interactions with my ex-husband and his new family, interactions with the kids' mom, friends, family, questions...and everyone was in awe at how well I was holding up and dealing.

I was shocked as well.

Several weeks later, right around the one month anniversary of her death, the dam broke.  Lack of sleep was a huge culprit but it was the processing that gripped my heart and destroyed my mind.  My little girl was gone.  Two weeks of FMLA and additional med changes and I'm back at work.  I've yet to make it through a full work week and I often do my job through tears, but I'm there.

There is no way to currently tell the difference between my mental illness and the grief process of losing my daughter.  I'm working hard to keep my head above water and this coming week will be difficult.  Her birthday is on Thursday, March 17.  We'd talked about how cool it was for her to finally turn 17 on the 17th.  I'd planned to go to visit that Friday and stay the weekend.  Her junior prom would have been on Saturday.  Instead I'm taking her birthday off and getting a tattoo in her honor.  I'll spend Saturday with some Pagan friends celebrating the coming Sabbat.  I will try to keep my tears to a minimum and deal with what is now the new normal 2.0.

Recap, part 2

Left off with my move to Omaha in October 2014.  I moved in to the basement at my mom and step dad's house.  It was planned to be temporary but, to date, I'm still here.  It's not perfect but it works.  Since I've moved here, I've seen the kids about every three months or so.  We text and talk on the phone as well as email and FaceTime chat often.   But here's a loose timeline of some big events:

*October 2014:  I see two different band performances in Lincoln and get to spend time with K.

*December 1, 2014: I start a job, the first I've worked in over 10 years.

*December 2014: Kids come to Omaha for Christmas/Yule with me and my family.

*January 3, 2015: K has first attempt of taking her life.  Hospitalized.

*January 16, 2015:  Visit kids in Kearney.

*Late May 2015: K has suicidal thoughts but doesn't act on them.  Hospitalized.

*Early June 2015: Visit kids in Kearney.

*August 30, 2015: K has second attempt of taking her life.  Hospitalized

*September 2, 2015:  Divorce hearing.  Finalized roughly 60 days later.

*September 26, 2015: Visit kids in Kearney

*December 20, 2015:  Kids come to Omaha for Christmas/Yule with me and my family.

*January 12-13, 2016:  K loses her life when ex-husband's home destroyed by a fire.  He, his girlfriend (TB), and her son escape, unharmed.

*January 16, 2016:  We bury my 16 year old daughter.

*January 30, 2016:  Z leaves for a semester in Ireland.

So yeah...crazy shit and lots of changes.  The loss of K is still surreal and to raw to handle. I'm probably going to let this blog sit for a bit as I continue to handle her death.

Z and his general well-being are of utmost importance to me at this point.  I'm so worried about him and, even though I'm glad he went to Ireland to fulfill his dream, I worry that he's without his support network.  Mama Bear is definitely in overdrive lately and all I want to do is cuddle him close and protect him from anything and everything that could hurt him in any way.

I am also doing my best to take care of myself - mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Recap, part 1

Obviously there has been a huge gap between my last posts and now.  So much has happened, and I'm not just talking everyday things.  There have been some GINORMOUS life events.  In hopes of recapping, here's a short, but sweet, timeline of events.  I'm sure I will expand upon some of them at a later date.

*July 7, 2014 - My husband and I found out we did not get custody of the kids.  However, Z was emancipated.

*July 12, 2014 - My husband cheats on me with TB.

*July 25, 2014 - The kids' last day at our house after summer visitation.  My husband informs me he doesn't see his future including me.  We talk and he agrees to work on our marriage.

*July 27, 2014 - My husband cheats again with TB before coming home to me to have family time with the kids.  He's affectionate with me.

*July 28-August 12, 2014 - Lots of talking with the husband.  Find out he's developing feelings for someone but it's not been physical.  We agree we shouldn't be husband and wife but have no plans to divorce.  We will still be family for the kids.  Lots of compromising on my part but I want to do everything I can to keep my family, even though, in hindsight, "my family" didn't really include my husband any longer.

*August 13, 2014 - The truth comes out about the physical relationship.

*August 13-September 1, 2014 - We fine tune what our relationship now looks like.  He agrees to help me stay in our home until K graduates from high school (May 2017) and we will share visitation time together with the children.  We move Z into college to begin his Freshman year.  Other than that, he will continue his relationship with his girlfriend TB, living with her in another town.

*September 2, 2014 - After time with TB, he comes home to change everything and take away all he'd promised me.  He gives me until the end of the year to figure out how I can support myself and the household.  If I cannot do that, he will kick me out.  I fly into a rage and do something I will regret for the rest of my life.  He then gives me until the end of the month.  Realizing I cannot make that happen, my mom and stepfather agree to let me move in with them - in a different city 180 miles from my home.

*October 4, 2014 - I move to Omaha.

I will continue this at a later date.  It's a good place to stop since the coming changes deal less and less with the dissolution of my marriage and focuses on my family of three - me, Z, and K.  

Like drowning

 

Right now, I'm drowning.  My soul hurts.  I am done on every level - emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual.  

I am downing because someone I love passed away.  Her void is felt already.  Her passing leaves my step father without any parents.  My heart is breaking for him.  I don't know how to console him.  Words simply do not come.  All I can do is offer to help out as best I can, to transport my brother, to be the charming hostess at the wake.  To remind him that I love him.  And that I am here.

I am downing because a child decided to end her own life. The child - this 19 year old child - was once like a daughter to me.  But then her mother and I dissolved our friendship.  I checked with the family to see if it would be okay for me to attend her funeral.  Her mother said she would be uncomfortable with me there.  So I will respect her wishes and not attend.  My heart is breaking.  The last interaction I had with this child was very positive.  But, out of respect, which is the same respect I showed by asking in the first place, I will honor the wishes of her mother.  I don't need to attend a funeral to pay my respects and honor the life of this child.  I do wish I could go though.

I'm downing because I am stressed.  So much is going on and I have so very little control over much of it.  I'm not good when I don't have some bit of control.  I have a ritual that I will be leading this coming weekend.  It's on finding and utilizing your inner peace.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to write about peace when you feel none?  Seriously, fuck peace and just let me get through the day without losing it and let me get through the night without waking in a cold sweat, on the edge of a panic attack, and with the looming night terrors still swimming in my brain.

I am downing because I'm tired and when I'm tired, I find it even more difficult to hold myself together.  I don't know how to deal with the sleepiness AND depression or stress or anxiety.  When I'm tired, I just do my best to get through the day and tackle the one most important task of that moment.

I'm downing.  And I wish it was literal instead of figurative.*

*I am not going to kill myself or attempt to harm myself in any way.  No worries. 

Crash mode

I've talked about protection and preparation mode in a past post.  It is something I do when I know I will be doing something outside of my norm...visitors at my house, being around a large-ish group of people, etc.  There is also the crash mode.  It is actually very similar to protection and preparation mode.  The difference is that it just happens, without warning, because of what has happened in the recent past.  This can be pushing myself too much with different and new experiences, not adequately preparing (and protecting) myself prior to such changes. 

To me, PPM (protection and preparation mode - just named it, hahaha) is a positive step.  It is proactive.  It might be a crutch but I would much rather call it a coping mechanism.  PPM requires me to take active steps towards increased success when I'm going to do something that typically causes issues for me with my depression and/or anxiety. 

On the other hand, CM (crash mode) is a result.  It's more so negative because it tends to interfere with me having a normal life.  It is also something to note because when CM hits, I then know I need to review the past several days to see what was different so I can discover what it was that triggered the CM.  There aren't always triggers; depression or anxiety get you in their claws and have their way with you.  It is part of the journey I am on while living with depression. 

When I know what triggers me to have issues, I can prepare for them adequately.  When I don't, I hit CM and realize I need to do what I can to prepare for such instances in the future.  It's a teaching moment for myself.  It's all about the process and figuring out the aspects of my life.

Anyway, today was a CM.  I had plans with Li to go for lunch.  I also had a number of things to get accomplished today because the weekend is full.  Didn't do a thing.  Slept a great deal.  Cried and shut down for a bit.  It affected my life.

Why?

Well, I'm no June Cleaver and I've kind of been trying to be her for the past couple of days.  I have stopped short of donning a 1950s dress and bringing my husband a drink, his pipe, and his slippers upon his arrival from a long, hard day of work.  But I was trying to be this perfect wife and mother.

On Wednesday, the kids came out to stay with us.  It's a rare treat to have them here during the week while they are actually in school.  With the exception of summer, our visits with them are typically weekends, school breaks, and holidays.  We also had my step daughter's friend staying with us while her parents were out of town. 

So I cleaned.  And made real meals.  And participated in nightly, family bonding time.  Wore my happy smile and pretended as though all was fine and dandy.  It was, for the most part.  Then today hit and my brain called me on my bullshit and shut down. 

I am a good wife and I am a good (step) mother.  But I am my version of these titles, not those of someone else.  I'm not perfect and I don't smile all the time.  I'm not crazy perky or all happy happy.  I am usually true to my authentic self and put on no airs when I'm in my home.  (Still occasionally don those masks for moments when it is necessary to be someone else just so I can survive.)

So I take this lesson and learn from it.  I apply what I know to how I need to be. 

When your loved one is depressed

Found this great letter on the blog "Little bits and pieces."  I've done a bit of editing to make it more me.  I am strongly considering printing this off and giving it to my loved ones.  It isn't perfect, but it does explain a lot to someone who doesn't have depression. 

Dear Loved One:

Being a parent/spouse/boyfriend or girlfriend/friend to someone who deals with mental health issues such as the ones I have (major depressive disorder, general anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and ADD) is never easy. Being a part of my life means taking on a different type of responsibility that would normally come with fully healthy person. If the illness came on after we met, that can come as a big surprise and create a lot of extra stress because of your lack of experience dealing with it.

I want you to know that love you. I am also extremely depressed, anxious and going through a bad time right now. You have a big effect on how I will deal with my illness. I would like to share with you some things you should know about, so we can fight together to help me get better.

1. Love doesn’t cure all. You may wish that just because we have a good relationship that I should be happy all the time. But no, love is not enough.
2. As a caretaker, your priority is to take care of yourself first. If you are exhausted, overly stressed or aren’t taking care of your own basic needs, you won’t be able to help take care of mine. Be strong in this and I’ll thank you later.
3. Don’t do what you think I need. Ask me and I will tell you the best I can. I don’t give a shit if there are dishes in the sink or laundry needs to be put away. Yes, it is nice that you do that, but I would rather you wouldn’t roll your eyes at me when I cry and make sure that I don’t forget to take my meds.
4. Do NOT, under any circumstances — even as a joke — tell me to just get over it. This is a complicated illness brought on by faulty brain chemistry and years of abuse. I want to get better a million times more than you do. Trust that with support, I will do my very best each and every day to improve.
5. Don’t ever forget that each day may be different. Yesterday, I may have gotten a bit manic and cleaned/organized for hours. It may take me another two weeks before I can do that again.
6. If I say I need alone time, please, please, please — do not take it personally. Most of what I need to do to get better is internal. If I don’t get enough time to withdraw into myself and figure things out, then it will take me that much longer to cycle back out again. And if we have kids, help me to hide it from them and try to get them out of the house when I am unable to do that.
7. Do not ask me how long it will take before I am better again. I have no freaking idea.
8. If you need to vent how hard it is, go ahead. It will be okay. Venting is different from anger though. Find your own support system and ways to deal with those negative feelings. Don’t bury them. You may even want your own therapist for a while to help you deal with what I am going through.
9. Each episode of depression is different. One time, it may be helpful to veg on the couch and watch a bunch of romantic comedies so I laugh a lot. Other times, I may get hyper-focused on a computer game or in reading or in another hobby. At my worst, I may need to sit in my room, alone, in the dark, rocking back and forth crying. I might want to try all of these things. Make gentle suggestions, but if I let you know it isn’t helping, please listen. And don’t take it personally.
10. You are going to feel helpless. You love me and it will drive you crazy that you can’t fix me. It’s a horrible feeling and I can’t take that away from you. But, I can tell you that even though you might think you aren’t doing a lot, if you are following the above advice — you are doing more than you can imagine. Thank you so much for reading.

Love from Me

Christmas with the family 2012, part 3

(If you are interested, you can catch up by first reading part one and then part two.)
 
We got up the next day (Sunday) and started getting ready.  At one point during the week, I mentioned to my dad that we would try to be to his house, if we stayed the night with my mom, between 9:00 am and 10:00 am.  At 9:01 he called.

I didn't answer.

He left a voicemail and I checked it.  He was just wondering when we were coming over.  I did eventually call him back but it was probably an hour later. 

We got packed up and I sent my husband and the kids over to my dad's house.  I was going to ride with my step dad, brother and sister-in-law since my step dad wasn't completely sure where my had lived.  He knew the general area and I could have given him the address but really didn't want to deal with a potential travel issue like we had the day before. 

Me and my people arrived at my dad's house but my hubby and the kids weren't there yet.  I had jokingly mentioned that it was funny that they were going to have to go over first and he replied that maybe they'd hide out a bit first.  I wasn't happy and the anxiety level rose. 

Since it was cold and snowing, I tried to get my sister-in-law into the house quickly but the safety feature on her new wheelchair made it impossible to do so on my own. My brother went to help and we almost dumped her.  Luckily, my step dad helped out and we were successful. 

After we got them in and settled and I did a quick meet and greet to my dad, his wife and the doggies, I headed outside to call my hubby.  Apparently they had gone to get gasoline for the van and were on their way.  I asked them to hurry because I was building into a panic and my Ativan was in the car with them.

Once they arrived, everything seemed to run smoothly.  There weren't any arguments or even minor disagreements.  We ate lunch and then moved on to the gift portion of the day.  After we were visiting and I mentioned that it would be really nice to have our holiday celebration in Kearney.  We had talked about doing that this year but with my sister graduating from college, it just wasn't feasible. 

When it seemed like things were wrapping up, I checked the clock and realized that if we left soon, we could still visit with my husband's mom when we stopped in York and make it home in time to pick up the dogs from the doggie hotel. Hugs and goodbyes and we were out. 

Hit York and picked up the car from my mother-in-law.  I took off while my husband and the kids visited with my mother-in-law.I drove - again - by myself, on the interstate.  And I did good!!!

Got home.  Got the dogs.  Got everything back inside and unpacked. Finally, I could relax.

It was a hectic and stressful weekend but I survived.  We all did.  It wasn't perfect but I got to see my family.  My little sister crossed off another milestone in her life.  We were able to give gifts and receive them.  There was laughter and tears with not all the tears being those out of anger or stress or from being upset.

It struck me as familiar

I follow a few blogs that I connect with in regards to my depression and anxiety.  One of them is Anxiety Adventures.

About a week ago, I read an entry that spoke to me on so many levels.  I need to really sit down and dissect my thoughts to it so I can see how they fit into my tangled brain. 

Here are the points (italicized and bold) that really gave me some aha moments:

Downtime is tough for me, as I often fall into the isolation rabbit hole and get kidnapped by anxiety and depression. It’s difficult to predict how I’ll react to downtime -

• Should I try to keep busy and avoid thinking too much?
• Will making plans but failing to keep them cause a shame spiral?
• Will having no plans cause a shame spiral?
• Will no plans keep me relaxed so I feel able to interact with the world?
• Does the answer lie somewhere in between?

For me, I want to say that the answer is somewhere in between.  I don't know where quite yet.

I also really like the term "shame spiral" because I can relate to it and it is such an accurate and descriptive term.  For those of you who've never experienced a shame spiral, here's what mine are like:

1. For whatever reason, I feel as though I've failed.  This can be not completing something I'd intended to do or simply not doing anything.  It can be any type of failure, no matter how big or small.
2. I will overly focus on and obsess about said failure and get worked up.  There will probably be tears and there will definitely be a great deal of negative thoughts of general worthlessness.  There might even be a panic attack.
3. By the time I've hit this part, there is a strong chance that I will be completely useless for the remainder of the day which will only further perpetuate the shame spiral.
4. Bonus round - I might even carry the shame on for multiple days or start reliving past failures and have more shame spirals form. 

Herein lies the trouble, my mind waffles on whether these plans are mandatory, wanted, needed, or time-fillers.

I both love and hate making plans.  Plans are good because I can then actually plan them.  I know what to expect and what is expected of me.  I am prepared for the event/outing/whatever.

However, plans are commitments and promises.   And I really hate breaking commitments and promises.  This means that if I freak out or have an issue and cannot participate in said plan.  That means I've failed and BAM - shame spiral.

(I do want to mention that most of my close friends as well as my husband and the kids understand that this can happen.  While they still may be hurt or disappointed, they are supportive and understanding of me.  My extended-immediate family (parents and siblings) is getting better at it, perhaps due to my blog.) 

Spinning about my head is the recurring thought that I need to maximize my time off. I need to have fun. I need to be productive. I need to have interesting stories to tell once real-life resumes. I need to recommit to my life and find fulfilling activities. I need to be a functioning, contributing member of society.

This starts a potentially vicious cycle of:

1. Plans/objectives
2. Failure
3. Shame spiral
4. Deep depressive episode
5. Isolation from my life
6. Recover period

Of course it can go well and does rather often.  It is when it doesn't go well that I suffer.

I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure but I need to start to realize that I may also be setting myself up for success.  In a perfect/better world, I would just try my best.  I would try my best and actually be content with what I was able to achieve and focus on the achievement instead of the failure.  Sometimes I might not achieve much of anything and that is okay.  I would wade in to the shallow water first instead of just cannon-balling into the deep end.  I would be realistic with my own personal expectations. 

Realistically, I’ll get anxious about failing to accomplish anything that I won’t actually try, then half-heartedly convince myself that I didn’t try so I didn’t fail. 

Really need to stop that one and come to an acceptance that failure is an okay and human thing.  By not beating myself up over a failure that is really quite minor in the big scheme of things, I can hopefully avoid going any further and the "2.  Failure" step I mentioned above. It is just so difficult to do since I've been berating myself over my moments that are unsuccessful. 

Embracing failure as a learning experience would also be helpful.  If I was able to look back on the failure and dissect it so I could figure out what pushed that moment or event over into the failure zone.  This would allow me to avoid those triggers or come up with ways to cope with them.

Christmas with the family 2012, part 2

(If you missed part one, you can read it here.)

Me, my husband, the kids, my brother and his wife have all arrived at my mom and step dad's house for the extended family Christmas celebration.  They'd played a few games, had some snacks and drank some alcohol before we arrived.  Most everyone was in a good mood.

I made the rounds telling people hello and engaging in some brief small talk.  K had to finish her homework, so she headed downstairs to complete it.  It was our agreement since she hadn't wanted to work on it earlier.

The anxiety was lessening but I still felt as though I was teetering on the edge of a breakdown.  Definitely not a fun place to be.  I then had an interaction with my mother that pushed me over the edge.  I don't know if it was because I was really upset by what she said or if it was just that proverbial straw the broke the camels back.

My mom informed me we were getting ready to play another game.  She told me I was in charge of rounding up our immediate family which meant her, my step dad, my husband, the kids, my brother and his wife.  Mom said we needed to wait for my sister-in-law to be done with something - I think she was using the bathroom.  I mentioned that K was finishing her homework and it would be nice to wait for her.  Mom just made some flippant remark that K would just have to miss it.

I think I responded with the "whatever" remark that is so deadly and vague before excusing myself to get some air in the garage.  My eyes were tearing up and tears were threatening to fall but I made it out before that could happen.  My husband was close on my heels and I filled him in.  I was upset/angry/pissed because, to me, my mom was willing to wait for my sister-in-law but not my step daughter.  It was unfair and me, being a mama bear, did not like her cubs getting shafted on the fun.

After talking it out with my husband, getting some fresh air and calming down, I returned to the inside.  I do remember my mom mentioning that she hadn't meant her statement to sound as bitchy as it probably did but I cannot remember if that was before or after I went into the garage. 

The rest of the extended family Christmas seemed to go well.  There were games and food.  We chatted a great deal and shared a lot of laughs.  Once that wound down and the extended family had left, we had our immediate family Christmas.  It was very low-key and relaxing.

Oh, as the extended family part was winding down, my dad called.  We had planned to spend the night at his house but only if we were going to be done at my mom's house at a reasonable time and if he and his wife would still be awake.  It was getting late so I said we would just stay at mom's again.  He was bummed but I told him we'd be over mid-morning on Sunday.

The night finished off and we headed to bed.

And with that, I will sign off.  The final part will be up soonish.

(It's up and you can read it here.)

Auld Lang Syne

("The title of the Scottish tune [Auld Lang Syne] translates to "times gone by" and is about remembering friends from the past and not letting them be forgotten." -- Thank you ABC News.  Wikipedia says: "The song's Scots title may be translated into English literally as "old long since", or more idiomatically, "long long ago", "days gone by" or "old times". Consequently "For auld lang syne", as it appears in the first line of the chorus, might be loosely translated as "for (the sake of) old times".")

I tend to fail horribly when I make resolutions.  And when I fail, I feel really bad and often slip into a depressive episode.  Last year, I decided to do things a bit differently and found an idea on Pinterest.  It is a New Year Manifesto and, in my interpretation, instead of making statements such as "I will exercise" would make a broader and more general statement like "I will lead a healthier lifestyle."  This is what I did last year:

I haven't done one this year but plan on working on it over the next few days.  I'm guessing there will be some repeats.  Overall, I feel like it was a very successful project.

There is a lot that will happen in the coming year.  The biggest things is that I will be continuing to focus on my mental health and getting a better handle on it.  I also plan to simplify my life as much as possible by focusing my energies on the things and people that matter the most to me.  In doing so, I hope to rid myself of as much negativity and unnecessary items, commitments and people as possible. 

Two particular events will weigh on my mind more often than not.  The first is that by the end of May, Li and her husband will be moving.  They will be about five hours away.  While they have certainly found their dream home and land as well as getting back into a larger city with diversity and culture, I still don't want them to go.  I'm going to feel so lost.  I know we will keep in touch and that there will be numerous visits, but it won't be quite the same.  I'm so happy for them but I'm sad for me. 

The other event of note is that when the 2013-2014 school year begins in August, we will have two kids in high school and Z will be starting his senior year.  It is just so hard to accept that they are growing up into these amazing young adults.  I'm completely proud of them and love them to bits but what happened to those little kids I first met about ten years ago?

I'm excited to see what the year will hold.  I'm very hopeful that it will be an amazing year.  I know there will be tough times but as long as I learn something from them, I will do my best to take them in stride. 

Christmas with the family 2012, part 1

At least two of my past posts (Bah humbug and Struggling) dealt with what I like to call the weekend from hell or the hectic weekend.  For the weekend from hell, we (me, my husband and the two kids) drive two and a half hours to Omaha on Friday.  On Saturday we celebrate the holidays with my mom's siblings, their children and my grandfather and his girlfriend.  Later that evening, we have our smaller family Christmas with my mom, my step dad, my brother and his wife and me and my family.  Sunday we head to my dad's house for a meal and gifts with my father, his wife, my brother and his wife, my sister and then me and my family.  This all must be accomplished by 2:00 pm so we can be home in time to pick up the dogs from the doggie hotel (Sunday pickups are between 5:00 and 5:30 pm) and return the kids to their mother's house by 6:00 pm.  Hectic!

Add to that I have issues riding in the car for long periods of time.  I get incredibly freaked out and sometimes bump up into a panic attack.  Let's also include that I sometimes have problems in crowds even if I know everyone and/or are related to them.  In addition, there is a certain amount of anxiety involved when I need to don the daughter/granddaughter/niece/cousin persona.

This year there was some added stress since we were also going to go to my sister's college graduation...on Saturday morning.  She's was graduating from the largest college in Nebraska so there were lots of people and a lot of things I didn't have control over.  I wasn't going to miss her getting her college diploma so not going was simply not an option.

(I'm not even going to get into the stress and anxiety that built up during the week prior.)

So, everything on Friday seemed to go just fine.  No major snags and I did really well riding in the van on the way there.  I did take an Ativan prior to the trip and once during.

Saturday things started off okay until I went to take a shower and realized I brought the wrong shirt to go under my vest.  Quick search revealed a Walmart on the way so we were going to leave just a bit earlier and all would be fine.  We got to Lincoln with very little problem.  As we were heading to the location of her graduation we got off track.  Pulled up driving directions on my phone and we were back on track and going just fine.

When we arrived, the lines were HUGE and the parking areas were filling.  My husband and I got a bit snappish with each other.  I had taken an Ativan prior to the trip and was very temped to take another but knew I might need my remaining two later on in the day.  After all, it was only 9:00 am. 

After being directed to a parking lot, I switched into my other shirt and we began the jaunt to the center.  We arrived and spotted my brother, sister-in-law and father rather quickly.  We were lucky to find some seats just behind them.

The ceremony was long and I got a little weepy but the panic didn't set in.  Afterwards, we found my sister and since we had some time to kill, we headed to my sister's apartment.  She rode with us so it was easy.  She was also going to ride with us to her reception site.  Time at her apartment and the ride to the reception went beautifully.  We arrived and I was able to see my step mom for the first time in probably three and a half years.  We chatted some and vowed to stay in touch better down the road. 

The reception continued and was going very well until we were getting ready to leave.  Since my dad had to bring my brother and sister-in-law over to my mom's house, we were trying to come up with the best plan on how to make that happen since he didn't know where their house was located.  I had mentioned giving him directions or just meeting at his house back in Omaha, but he said we could just follow each other.  I said we could do that but would need to meet up with each other since we were parked in different areas.  My dad started explaining things to me and I just lost it.

I couldn't deal with the information and being responsible for it.  Hell, I wasn't even the one driving.  I told him to talk to my husband and walked out.  I needed a break and some air. Apparently my father and husband worked it out so we all took off to our vehicles.  We had a little problem with ours (the sliding door wouldn't open) so it took us a bit longer to reach the meetup area.  When we did arrive, my father was nowhere to be found.  We drove a little bit, looking for him.  No luck.  So I called him and he didn't answer.  I called my brother.  No answer.  I called my sister-in-law and our luck ran out.  My husband kept asking me what we should do and I kept getting more and more anxious and upset.

I've learned that when I'm already having issues (depressed or dealing with anxiety), making decisions is something I am incapable of doing.  I figure it is because I'm already dealing with so much shit going on in my head that anything else just pushes me completely over the edge.  This was one of those times.

Eventually I told him to just pull over until we could reach my dad.  We did after some time and I thought we were figured out.  Nope.  So we talked on the phone again.  We still weren't on the same page.  I was done so I told him we should just head back to Omaha and meet at his house.  He agreed.

Once on the interstate, my husband decided he needed something to drink so he suggested we stop at one of the towns and meet my dad there.  Called dad and he thought that sounded like a great plan so we met at a gas station.  Once everyone did their thing, we went to leave and my dad, instead of following us, took the lead.  Are you kidding me?

My husband was feeling just as frustrated as I was so we just let it be.  We caught up to them right before the exit to my father's house.  And my father took it!  My husband asked me what we should do and I told him to just keep driving.  Immediately, my phone rang and it was my dad.  He said he messed up and they would get right back on the interstate.  They did and we were on the phone and off it for the ride to my mom's house.

I was so glad to get there.  I tried not to let my frustration and anger show to my dad and I know he felt some tension but not all of it.  We hugged it out and I told him we would talk later.

Part two will be up soon.  Just writing this I've just about worked up into the emotions I was feeling that day.  Not cool.

(Part two can be read here and part 3 here.)

Bah humbug

I desperately wish I was able to explain what it feels like to be me and be in my head.  I try to put it into words and have made some strides towards a decent explanation and/or description but there is still just so many different facets that need further exploration and definition.  I want to do this so people understand me and my issues better.  Ultimately, I want those I care about most to know my triggers and problems so they can avoid them whenever possible and help me through the rough patches without me having to go completely insane first.  I don't do well with asking for help and wish that some people would just realize that I need it at specific times.

This coming weekend is crazy.  (Read this blog entry if you want to know a bit more about the crazy.)  I'm stressed and feeling exceptionally overwhelmed.  I also feel like I'm not getting help from my husband.  Of course, I haven't asked for much help, but the things I have requested of him haven't been completed.  My parents are also putting stress on me.  I don't think they realize it nor have I told them. 

Generally, I love this time of year.  I love the traditions, the food, the general sense of joy and love.  I get to see family members I only see occasionally and spend some real time catching up.  There is fun and games and happiness.  Happiness is the best part. 

But to get there, you have to deal with the planning, the shopping, the baking, the cooking, the cleaning, the stressing, the obsessing.  You might have to travel so you have to pack and make arrangements for someone to care for your pets.  Perhaps you book flights and hotels and rental cars. Selecting the right gifts, staying within a budget, getting time off work only adds to the stress.  All of this planning is what pushes me to the edge. 

Me, the hubby and kids don't make it out of town very often.  Between jobs, money, pets and life, it is difficult to arrange time to visit our families for a weekend.  But when we are able to do that, I struggle to make the most of our time.  We try to make it fair and see our families equally.  But someone always gets their feelings hurt or feels like they are being tossed aside in favor of the other parent.  And then they tell me about it and I feel guilty and hurt. 

It's like I'm unable to do anything right.

I don't enjoy the time I get to spend with my family.  It isn't fun for me because I'm too worried about making sure I do my part and make the most of the event and spend equal time with everyone.  I try to make sure that my husband and kids are having a good time and that their needs are being met.  I neglect myself and what I want.  I do what is expected of me and fill the set role for that moment.  I try to be the loving daughter and doting granddaughter.  The fun cousin and caring niece have to show up as well.  Let's not forget super-wife and the non-evil stepmother roles as well. 

I'm fully aware I put a great deal of this on myself but I don't know how to NOT let it get to me.  Maybe I'll figure it out someday.  Maybe I'll get through the weekend without being a bitch to someone (more than likely my husband) or having a crying jag. 

But I need to get a move on.  I still need to pack, wrap gifts, load the car, take the dogs to be boarded, print off driving directions, get my sister a graduation gift, straighten the house, possibly do a load or two of laundry and what seems like a zillion other things.  I also need to shower and continue to try and get over this cold.  Easy peasy, right?

Struggling

This week is very busy and hectic for me because we are heading out of town for the weekend.  This isn't some leisurely trip.  It is the weekend of craziness.  We will celebrate Christmas with my mom's side of the family, my mom and step dad, and then my dad and his wife.  My sister is also graduating from college.  With the exception of the graduation, we do this every year.  I know I will be stressed and on edge and I also know that we will get through it.

However, I didn't anticipate getting sick.

I have a horrible cold - aches and pains, cough, raw throat, itchy ears, fever, chills and just general unpleasantness.  There is so much I need to get done this week but I know I need to take care of myself and get better.

Sigh.

So I'm trying.  Been drinking hot tea and sleeping a great deal.  This all started on Sunday and today, I don't feel better but I also don't feel worse.  I will take that as a win.  As of tomorrow, I will need to start getting stuff together.  I will still baby myself to a certain extent but my obligations must come first.

Here's to make it through this week and the weekend to come with no major issues or breakdowns.

Phone phobia

The other day, my phone rang.  It was someone I know but I choose to not answer.  My husband and stepkids were questioning me about why I didn't answer.  I tried to just blow it off with some lame excuse.  They didn't let me get away with it so I tried to break it down and explain it.

I'd never done this before.  But, I'm now glad that I can put my fear into words.

I don't have an actual fear of talking on the phone.  My fear is that I'm caught by surprise and don't know how to make a conversation flow when I feel ambushed by the call.  More often than not, I will ignore a call and listen to the voicemail.  (For the record, I hate it when someone calls and doesn't leave a message.  If you do that, I generally won't call you back unless you call multiple times.)  Once I hear the voicemail, I know what the caller wanted and am better prepared for the phone conversation.  I will then call them back.

And that is for numbers that I do know.  Forget about me answering if your number is not in my phone. 

I'm generally okay with calls from my parents, sister or brother.  My husband and stepkids are always on the answer list.  My best friends will not be ignored.  But anyone else, more than likely you will not reach me on a first call.

Perhaps it is childish or stupid but it is how I work.  It is one of those little tricks I have developed to help me best handle life and the situations it may toss in my direction. 

Take your Ativan

I guess you can say that I've learned the hard way that when going into a social situation, I need to take an Ativan prior to the event and bring more for during the event.

Saturday, we had a huge Samhain celebration with our Pagan group.  It requires a fair amount of planning for me and Lo and we pretty much spend the entirety of the event rushing around from one activity to the next with very little time to socialize or actually enjoy the event.  This is the fifth Samhain we've hosted so it is a bit easier every time but still quite stressful.  My husband, step kids and a friend of the girl child were also there so there was a bit of additional stress.

Knowing this, I took an Ativan several hours before the event, about two hours before we began setting up.  I then took another one an hour in to the event and had one left if necessary.  It wasn't but I did enjoy myself much more.  I didn't have a freak out.  I didn't snap at anyone.  I didn't cry.  I didn't have a panic attack. 

I WAS NOT A BITCH.

The next day, Li and her husband were hosting a ritual experience.  I wasn't required to do anything but show up and enjoy watching and/or participating in the ritual.  I also did not have to do a single bit of the planning for this event.  Not one single thing.

I should have been fine.  I should have been relaxed and enjoying myself.

Nope.

I WAS A BITCH...at least towards my husband.  (For which I did apologize for later.)

I was on edge and moody.  I was snappy towards the husband and built into a small panic that I was able to get under control before it exploded into a full-blown attack.   I was impatient and I really didn't like myself but didn't feel like I had control over it.

Later I talked to my husband about it and we examined how it all worked out.  He agreed with my conclusion that social events = Ativan for me.  I knew I would plan to take them for a while when I was going into stressful situations but didn't realize I would need them when I was going out for what should be a mostly stress-free event.  Now I know.

I guess I don't now for sure but the evidence points to my hypothesis being accurate and correct for now.

First weekend with the munchkins

For the record, neither Z nor K could really be considered a munchkin anymore but still, they are.  Z is 16 and K is 13.  They are my step kids but I love them as my own.

In a way, the kids have also been suffering with me through the ups and downs of my depression battle.  The person they first met has changed a lot, some for the good and some for the bad, in the past, well, almost 10 years.  They've experienced all of the moods and issues and this past year has probably been one of the worst for them.  It's not so much that I was depressed but it was that I was moody as hell and had virtually no patience for anything.  With the kids been teens, they were having their own issues that further made me just a wee annoyed.

To be fair, I never took my frustrations out on either of them directly, but my moodiness and impatience affected them in many ways.  I have been rather withdrawn from our life as a family of four...hell, I've been pretty removed from most of my relationships with the exception of a few very close friends and my husband.  My parents, siblings and other extended family have also felt the neglect from me but since the kids are a bigger part of my life, they probably noticed it a great deal more.  Neither has really said anything to me, or to my husband as far as I know, but that doesn't mean they haven't noticed or made a comment to someone else. 

(I'm sure I will blog about my relationship with each of them at a later date and it really isn't overly necessary at this point.)

Anyway, this was the first weekend we've had them since I've been back on my meds.  Granted, I'd only been on them for twelve days once they got here but still, I was medicated.  I think it went well.  I was more actively involved with family times and didn't totally hide out in the bedroom.  I was in the bedroom a great deal but made several trips out to the more common areas of our home to talk with the kids.  They also spent some time with me in the bedroom when we were chatting and watching a football game.  I also didn't lose my temper about anything.  We had a couple of issues but I was able to deal with them without blowing up to my husband in private or bursting into tears, also in private.

I really feel like I'm moving forward towards a much healthier me.  I just keep going forward and doing everything I can to keep a positive and optimistic attitude.