Saturday, we had a huge Samhain celebration with our Pagan group. It requires a fair amount of planning for me and Lo and we pretty much spend the entirety of the event rushing around from one activity to the next with very little time to socialize or actually enjoy the event. This is the fifth Samhain we've hosted so it is a bit easier every time but still quite stressful. My husband, step kids and a friend of the girl child were also there so there was a bit of additional stress.
Knowing this, I took an Ativan several hours before the event, about two hours before we began setting up. I then took another one an hour in to the event and had one left if necessary. It wasn't but I did enjoy myself much more. I didn't have a freak out. I didn't snap at anyone. I didn't cry. I didn't have a panic attack.
I WAS NOT A BITCH.
The next day, Li and her husband were hosting a ritual experience. I wasn't required to do anything but show up and enjoy watching and/or participating in the ritual. I also did not have to do a single bit of the planning for this event. Not one single thing.
I should have been fine. I should have been relaxed and enjoying myself.
Nope.
I WAS A BITCH...at least towards my husband. (For which I did apologize for later.)
I was on edge and moody. I was snappy towards the husband and built into a small panic that I was able to get under control before it exploded into a full-blown attack. I was impatient and I really didn't like myself but didn't feel like I had control over it.
Later I talked to my husband about it and we examined how it all worked out. He agreed with my conclusion that social events = Ativan for me. I knew I would plan to take them for a while when I was going into stressful situations but didn't realize I would need them when I was going out for what should be a mostly stress-free event. Now I know.
I guess I don't now for sure but the evidence points to my hypothesis being accurate and correct for now.
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