Describing my depression, part 3

When my depression is acting up and when I'm in The Bad Place, it is so difficult to describe to someone.  Those who know me best, know that something is wrong or off with me when they ask me how I'm doing, I just cannot explain what exactly is going on.  If I say, I'm depressed the auto-reply is "why?"  But as we know, that isn't something you can answer with a reason like "I flunked a test."  There is a cause/reason, but it is something that isn't an environmental cause. 

Often I just say that I'm sick.  And it's true.  No, I don't have a cold or the flu, but I am feeling equally as bad, if not worse.  "Sick" is my default answer because most people don't ask for a lot of details or specifics.  Let's face it, no one wants to hear that you cannot step away from the bathroom for fear you'll have to vomit in a trash can.

You do feel sad, upset and unhappy.  You don't want to do anything or deal with anything or anybody.  Demands on you, some as simple as answering if you want chocolate or vanilla ice cream, can lead to a breakdown and tears.  You cannot cope with everyday life and you really don't want to in that moment.  Hell, you are lucky if you can manage to brush your teeth or comb your hair. 

It really is that difficult to function and exist. 

It is a struggle.

It sucks.

It hurts.

But I'm going to quit using "sick" as my response.  I'm going to tell those who ask me how I'm doing that I'm dealing with my depression and it is currently winning against me, if that is the case in the moment.  If they ask for more information, I'm going to try to tell them in a way that makes sense to someone without depression.  I'm going to trust that they truly care and really want to know.  I'm not going to censor myself and that means being honest with those in my life and with myself.