One less chemical

As of today, at least for now, I am no longer taking Wellbutrin.  As I've said before, I am very hopeful that everything will be improving.  I know nothing is guaranteed but I'm doing my best to maintain a positive outlook.

My husband believes he's seeing an improvement in my lately just with the decreased amount of Wellbutrin.  In this post, I briefly hit upon the craziness I elected to take on last week.  I didn't add the additional insanity that encompassed the weekend - 2 huge rituals.  I survived and didn't totally lose it once.  I didn't break down and I didn't flip into bitch mode.  I did require some extra recoup time in the form of sleep and solitude, but nothing more than usual.  Hubby pointed out that he didn't think I could have handled the five days of crazy as little as a week ago and I have to agree.  So either the decrease in Wellbutrin or just adjustments in life are making a difference.  Woot!

So, another day and one more moment to get life to where I want to be...where I know I can be. 

Christmas with the family 2012, part 2

(If you missed part one, you can read it here.)

Me, my husband, the kids, my brother and his wife have all arrived at my mom and step dad's house for the extended family Christmas celebration.  They'd played a few games, had some snacks and drank some alcohol before we arrived.  Most everyone was in a good mood.

I made the rounds telling people hello and engaging in some brief small talk.  K had to finish her homework, so she headed downstairs to complete it.  It was our agreement since she hadn't wanted to work on it earlier.

The anxiety was lessening but I still felt as though I was teetering on the edge of a breakdown.  Definitely not a fun place to be.  I then had an interaction with my mother that pushed me over the edge.  I don't know if it was because I was really upset by what she said or if it was just that proverbial straw the broke the camels back.

My mom informed me we were getting ready to play another game.  She told me I was in charge of rounding up our immediate family which meant her, my step dad, my husband, the kids, my brother and his wife.  Mom said we needed to wait for my sister-in-law to be done with something - I think she was using the bathroom.  I mentioned that K was finishing her homework and it would be nice to wait for her.  Mom just made some flippant remark that K would just have to miss it.

I think I responded with the "whatever" remark that is so deadly and vague before excusing myself to get some air in the garage.  My eyes were tearing up and tears were threatening to fall but I made it out before that could happen.  My husband was close on my heels and I filled him in.  I was upset/angry/pissed because, to me, my mom was willing to wait for my sister-in-law but not my step daughter.  It was unfair and me, being a mama bear, did not like her cubs getting shafted on the fun.

After talking it out with my husband, getting some fresh air and calming down, I returned to the inside.  I do remember my mom mentioning that she hadn't meant her statement to sound as bitchy as it probably did but I cannot remember if that was before or after I went into the garage. 

The rest of the extended family Christmas seemed to go well.  There were games and food.  We chatted a great deal and shared a lot of laughs.  Once that wound down and the extended family had left, we had our immediate family Christmas.  It was very low-key and relaxing.

Oh, as the extended family part was winding down, my dad called.  We had planned to spend the night at his house but only if we were going to be done at my mom's house at a reasonable time and if he and his wife would still be awake.  It was getting late so I said we would just stay at mom's again.  He was bummed but I told him we'd be over mid-morning on Sunday.

The night finished off and we headed to bed.

And with that, I will sign off.  The final part will be up soonish.

(It's up and you can read it here.)

Take your Ativan...revisited

Had a quaint get together with Li, her husband, their boys, me and my husband at Li's house.  It was in celebration of Samhain.  We brought some snacks and drinks, they provided some snack and drinks and we all communed around the fire pit in the back yard.  It was a lovely night.

Due to some of my recent experiences in social situations, I took an Ativan prior to the event.  It worked.  It was a very laid back evening but towards the end I was feeling a bit frustrated with my husband.  I felt we needed to head home (for many reason such as the host being super tired and falling asleep as well as the fact that my husband actually had to get home and try to snag a couple hours of sleep before heading to work at 4:30 am.)

Even though I was feeling frustrated, I didn't get to the point of being angry or bitchy.  I was able to express my frustration in a very polite manner that worked out very well for everyone involved.

This just further proves my social situation = Ativan hypothesis. 

Take your Ativan

I guess you can say that I've learned the hard way that when going into a social situation, I need to take an Ativan prior to the event and bring more for during the event.

Saturday, we had a huge Samhain celebration with our Pagan group.  It requires a fair amount of planning for me and Lo and we pretty much spend the entirety of the event rushing around from one activity to the next with very little time to socialize or actually enjoy the event.  This is the fifth Samhain we've hosted so it is a bit easier every time but still quite stressful.  My husband, step kids and a friend of the girl child were also there so there was a bit of additional stress.

Knowing this, I took an Ativan several hours before the event, about two hours before we began setting up.  I then took another one an hour in to the event and had one left if necessary.  It wasn't but I did enjoy myself much more.  I didn't have a freak out.  I didn't snap at anyone.  I didn't cry.  I didn't have a panic attack. 

I WAS NOT A BITCH.

The next day, Li and her husband were hosting a ritual experience.  I wasn't required to do anything but show up and enjoy watching and/or participating in the ritual.  I also did not have to do a single bit of the planning for this event.  Not one single thing.

I should have been fine.  I should have been relaxed and enjoying myself.

Nope.

I WAS A BITCH...at least towards my husband.  (For which I did apologize for later.)

I was on edge and moody.  I was snappy towards the husband and built into a small panic that I was able to get under control before it exploded into a full-blown attack.   I was impatient and I really didn't like myself but didn't feel like I had control over it.

Later I talked to my husband about it and we examined how it all worked out.  He agreed with my conclusion that social events = Ativan for me.  I knew I would plan to take them for a while when I was going into stressful situations but didn't realize I would need them when I was going out for what should be a mostly stress-free event.  Now I know.

I guess I don't now for sure but the evidence points to my hypothesis being accurate and correct for now.