Best and worst things to say

I found this list a few days ago.  I've read through most of it.  I have mixed thoughts about the list, feeling some are absolutely dead on while many others are so far off that I cringed.  For the most part, the best things to say list was accurate.  The intro to the best things to say section nailed it for me:

It is most tempting, when you find out someone is depressed, to attempt to immediately fix the problem. However, until the depressed person has given you permission to be their therapist (as a friend or professional), the following responses are more likely to help the depressed.

The things that didn't make me feel worse are words which 1) acknowledge my depression for what it is (Not 'it's just a phase') 2) give me permission to feel depressed (Not 'but why should you be sad?')

The worst section was prefaced with this:

Some people trivialize depression (often unintentionally) by dropping a platitude on a depressed person as if that is the one thing they needed to hear. While some of these thoughts have been helpful to some people (for example, some find that praying is very helpful), the context in which they are often said mitigates any intended benefit to the hearer. Platitudes don't cure depression.

If you share you life with someone with depression, read through the lists.  Maybe you've said some of the worst things to say and maybe you haven't.  It doesn't matter now.  Going forward, be mindful of your thinking and your words. 

If you don't know anyone with depression, you probably will at some point in your life.  The list is good for everyone to read so give it a shot.

three nine

I turned 39 yesterday.  I don't feel any different except for the thought that 40 is no longer years away.  It is now months, weeks, and days away.  Part of my has this dread about 40.  The other part of me, it doesn't care in the least.  I'm not the type of person to fib about my age.  I figure I have earned each and every year of my life so why not acknowledge that. 

Not really noticing any difference since I've been off the Wellbutrin.  Today will be day number nine without it.  I don't know how long it will stay in my system once I stop ingesting it.  Maybe I should look that up.  I figure it is anywhere between two and twelve weeks.  My rationale is that it takes at least two weeks to feel any effects of the medicine in your body and that it should be fully integrated into your system by twelve weeks.  Seems the same would also go for getting it out of your system. 

Had a very intense weekend.  I went through a 2-day training and it wore me out - mentally, emotionally, and physically.  There was a bit of a ginormous kick in the gut Saturday night where my inner-self and all that I hold dear and feel is a part of my core being was exposed, brought into question, and demolished.  It wasn't literally demolished and I still retain all those things but I need to do some more processing to get to the heart of the revelation. 

The basic gist of said revelation is that to embrace the Shanda I am meant to become, I must rid myself of all my attachments.  These attachments are my life.  The attachments include my husband, my step kids, my parents, my siblings, my pets, my friends.  Let's not forget my home and all that I value and hold dear. 

Say what?!?!

I'm not to have anything - physical, emotional, spiritual, moral, ethical, etc. - holding me back.  Nothing.

Hello?!?!

My connections to these things are so important to me.  While they don't necessarily define me, they do make up a great deal of my core being.  My spirit and soul are linked to the connections and attachments I form in my life.  I hold them as sacred and place enormous value on them.

A huge scary realization that came along with this revelation is about suicide/death.  I believe that I've talked about this in the past.  If not, please do not freak out.  I am NOT suicidal.  I have NO PLANS to end my own life or do harm to myself.  Anyway, there are moments that I wish I would just die.  This is because everything in my head is just becoming too much.  I don't feel like I can handle it and make it through another moment.  I want the depression to end.  The only way to truly end my depression is for my life to end.  This is why I sometimes want to die.

However, I would never kill myself.  I wouldn't do that to my friends, my family, and my loved ones.  Suicide is selfish and I couldn't take that route.  I know I won't ever end my own life because I don't want to hurt those people I would leave behind.

Those people I have connections with and attachments to.

(See where I'm going with this?)

So, if I have no more connections and no more attachments, does that mean I would be willing to end my own life? Honestly, I do not know.  I really, really want to say that I wouldn't but I cannot know until I have been in that situation.  And since I don't see myself giving up those attachments and connections, you can rest assured that I will still be here in the morning...and the next day...and the next year...and for however long I'm meant to live this life. 

As I said, I'm still processing this information.  Some bits I've started to see as methods to detach from my connections make sense.  I don't need to officially rid myself of all those attachments but I do need to be able to adopt a mindset of detachment for certain aspects of my life.  This detachment may include a symbolic death of the old me so I can become what I'm meant to be.  Seems much more acceptable and possible to achieve. 

This is how depression looks on me

This is me, a week or so ago.  And this is what depression looks like on me. 

Am I happy? 

Am I sad? 

Am I anxious or nervous or crying? 

No.

I'm also not putting on a mask. 

The expression on my face is exactly how I felt in the moment even though I was going through a tough time and having a massive spike in my depression.  Perhaps 20 minutes later, I would have been smiling, my eyes crinkled in joy.  Or I could have been sobbing into my pillow.

Depression isn't always depicted by tears or sorrow written all over my face.  I don't have to be curled into the fetal position, rocking myself for comfort to indicate I'm depressed.   I can be smiling and laughing and seemingly enjoying the moment and still have the dark clouds swarming through my mind. 

What I'm trying to point out is that you cannot tell by looking at me, at any given moment, if I am struggling.  My facial expressions and body posture can clue you in to what is going on within my mind but neither are definite correlations to what is going on in there.  Crying doesn't automatically equal depression, just as laughter doesn't always equal happiness.  Just because I'm sleeping more than normal is not a warning that I'm about to crash. 

If you want to know how I'm doing, ask me. 

P.S. The same goes when I'm having a panic attack or in a panic mode.  You cannot tell by looking at me.  Changes in my body language, mood, expressions mean very little to indicate what may or may not be going on inside my mind.  

To try or not to try...is that even a question?

"You won't know until you try."

"Just give it a try."

"It doesn't hurt to try."

"What have you got to lose?"

We say the above statements all the time. They are meant to prod and encourage. It's a motivator in a sense. It is said to remind others that trying is acceptable and that it's okay if you don't succeed or win or finish or whatever. And that's true and a good attitude to possess.

But...

What if trying does more harm than good? What if you put yourself out there and the result is best labeled as an epic failure? Should you still try it?

It's a contradiction. I'd tell my step kids and my husband and my friends to give it a shot. For many things in my own life, I would be hearing the inner dialogue prompt me to try. After all nothing ventured is nothing gained. Right?

However if venturing not only doesn't gain anything but also sets you back or renders you helpless or defeats your will and soul and introduces paralyzing anxiety back into your life and turns you into a zombie-like shell where even your husband cannot find a flicker of light in your eyes, much less the woman he fell in love with and destroys every bit of sanity you possess and flings you so far down into a pit of despair and depression that you cannot even see the light at the opening of the pit much less return to it...

*gulp of air*

...should you still try?

For me, it comes down to fear. Plain and simple. I know "what ifs" aren't worth fretting over. I do know that. I'm keenly aware of that. I preach it to others and to myself. But still, I fret.

So much to lose and so much to gain. Does the want of what could possibly be gained trump the terror of what could possibly be lost? Is one "worth" more than the other? How to you place value on a potentially better life? And how do you decide if said value is greater than the value of sanity and positive mental health?

Do I try?

(I love this song - "Try" by P!nk.  The song is about love, but the chorus and last verse can be about anything.  They ring true for me.) 

Maintaining a healthy relationship while depressed

From the post "How to maintain a healthy relationship when you're depressed."

So how do you honor yourself when you’re depressed and give yourself the love and kindness you need without blowing up an otherwise loving relationship?   

1. Don’t believe everything your mind says. -- Your mind’s always telling you things that aren’t true, and this applies even more so when you’re depressed. The more you can differentiate between you and your mind, the easier this gets. See if you can step back and think, “Ah, look at what I’m thinking now.”

2. Don’t make assumptions. -- Watch out for assumptions your mind is making. Look at what you’re mad about. Did they actually say that, or are you drawing conclusions yourself?  Chances are you’re just seeing a reflection of your own thoughts. And anyway, if anything your mind is telling you is real, it’ll still be there when you’re not feelings so flat, by which time any conversation you do have will be infinitely easier and more productive.

3. Connect with your loved one over the bigger picture. -- Try sharing the bigger picture of how you’re feeling (“Honey I think I might be depressed”), rather than voicing your criticism of them. If there really is something bothering you, it’ll still be there when your depressed feelings have passed; and I promise you, it’ll be a whole lot easier to talk about it then!
 
4. Know that your mind is very convincing. -- Your mind may think it is absolutely imperative that you bring up the issue. And you know what? You might still decide to. It’s your call. If you do find yourself in a discussion that you later regret, don’t worry about it; it’s all okay. It might be helpful to show this article to your partner.
 
5. This time will pass. -- And even though you can’t feel it right now, you have all the calm and peaceful loving feelings inside of you.

While the entire post didn't gel with me, I did like the five tips it listed in closing (those above).  I know when I'm experiencing a depressive episode, much of the above information is pertinent.  I do overreact and assume.  I get bitchy and have virtually zero patience.  

When your loved one is depressed

Found this great letter on the blog "Little bits and pieces."  I've done a bit of editing to make it more me.  I am strongly considering printing this off and giving it to my loved ones.  It isn't perfect, but it does explain a lot to someone who doesn't have depression. 

Dear Loved One:

Being a parent/spouse/boyfriend or girlfriend/friend to someone who deals with mental health issues such as the ones I have (major depressive disorder, general anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and ADD) is never easy. Being a part of my life means taking on a different type of responsibility that would normally come with fully healthy person. If the illness came on after we met, that can come as a big surprise and create a lot of extra stress because of your lack of experience dealing with it.

I want you to know that love you. I am also extremely depressed, anxious and going through a bad time right now. You have a big effect on how I will deal with my illness. I would like to share with you some things you should know about, so we can fight together to help me get better.

1. Love doesn’t cure all. You may wish that just because we have a good relationship that I should be happy all the time. But no, love is not enough.
2. As a caretaker, your priority is to take care of yourself first. If you are exhausted, overly stressed or aren’t taking care of your own basic needs, you won’t be able to help take care of mine. Be strong in this and I’ll thank you later.
3. Don’t do what you think I need. Ask me and I will tell you the best I can. I don’t give a shit if there are dishes in the sink or laundry needs to be put away. Yes, it is nice that you do that, but I would rather you wouldn’t roll your eyes at me when I cry and make sure that I don’t forget to take my meds.
4. Do NOT, under any circumstances — even as a joke — tell me to just get over it. This is a complicated illness brought on by faulty brain chemistry and years of abuse. I want to get better a million times more than you do. Trust that with support, I will do my very best each and every day to improve.
5. Don’t ever forget that each day may be different. Yesterday, I may have gotten a bit manic and cleaned/organized for hours. It may take me another two weeks before I can do that again.
6. If I say I need alone time, please, please, please — do not take it personally. Most of what I need to do to get better is internal. If I don’t get enough time to withdraw into myself and figure things out, then it will take me that much longer to cycle back out again. And if we have kids, help me to hide it from them and try to get them out of the house when I am unable to do that.
7. Do not ask me how long it will take before I am better again. I have no freaking idea.
8. If you need to vent how hard it is, go ahead. It will be okay. Venting is different from anger though. Find your own support system and ways to deal with those negative feelings. Don’t bury them. You may even want your own therapist for a while to help you deal with what I am going through.
9. Each episode of depression is different. One time, it may be helpful to veg on the couch and watch a bunch of romantic comedies so I laugh a lot. Other times, I may get hyper-focused on a computer game or in reading or in another hobby. At my worst, I may need to sit in my room, alone, in the dark, rocking back and forth crying. I might want to try all of these things. Make gentle suggestions, but if I let you know it isn’t helping, please listen. And don’t take it personally.
10. You are going to feel helpless. You love me and it will drive you crazy that you can’t fix me. It’s a horrible feeling and I can’t take that away from you. But, I can tell you that even though you might think you aren’t doing a lot, if you are following the above advice — you are doing more than you can imagine. Thank you so much for reading.

Love from Me

Smart phone sanity

Many people are tethered to their mobile phones.  They cannot go for long stretches of time without checking it for notifications.  They rely on it to answer questions, communicate with friends and family, blog, email.  It can help them obtain driving directions, do their banking and it provides entertainment of all sorts. Text and tweet.  Calendars, calculators, voice notes and cameras   And those are just some of the things that mobile phones can do today.  Oh, and it can also be used to make phone calls. 

Anyway, I am one of those people. 

My phone is my lifeline.  It is rarely out of my sight.  I feel lost without it.  I cherish it and I take care of it. 

I use it for all those things I listed above and a lot more.  One of the things I use it for is to help me in dealing with my depression and anxiety.  When I'm feeling overwhelmed or a panic attack is building, I turn to my phone.  Usually I will listen to music or play games.  By doing this, I can accomplish many things.

1.  I look busy when using my phone so people will generally leave me alone.  This gives me the opportunity to calm down and just take a break from the world.  I can do this in a group of people and escape without having to flee from the room.  People are always looking at their phones, so I don't draw a lot of unwelcome attention.
2. It is a distraction.  If I can actively engage my brain in some sort of activity, I can somewhat subdue the cycling of thoughts.  This distraction also helps to decrease the volume on the hateful and negative words that tumble around in my brain. The random games on my phone provide the perfect distractions.
3. I can find the positive in my phone.  Between photos of loved ones, inspirational quotes and soothing music, I can usually find some shred of peace.  There is always something there that can combat the negativity with a positive.  Something in my phone is always guaranteed to evoke a smile.
4. I can blog or make notes about what I'm experiencing.  It is so therapeutic for me to express myself in writing.  It also engages my brain and offers a distraction.  I also tend to work out my issues by writing them out. 
5. It helps with the confusion and muddled thoughts.  I still have some issues remembering things at times.  It is like the word is just out of range and taunting me.  Or I cannot remember the name of the actress who played Piper on "Charmed."  A quick search of the Internet and I'm no longer driving myself crazy struggling to fish the correct answer out of the fog.  It provides me a release from the fixation that can possibly become an obsessed focus when I should really be more involved with the present moment.

So the next time you see someone on their phone in a social situation, don't automatically decide they are being rude or are bored.  They might be a person like me who simply needs a brief escape from her own brain.  Maybe it is the lifeline that they grasp with every last bit of strength and sanity they have left at that given moment.  Perhaps they are just trying to hold themselves together so they can chalk up this social experience up as a win instead of the typical loss.  Give them the benefit of the doubt.  I know I will appreciate it.

It struck me as familiar

I follow a few blogs that I connect with in regards to my depression and anxiety.  One of them is Anxiety Adventures.

About a week ago, I read an entry that spoke to me on so many levels.  I need to really sit down and dissect my thoughts to it so I can see how they fit into my tangled brain. 

Here are the points (italicized and bold) that really gave me some aha moments:

Downtime is tough for me, as I often fall into the isolation rabbit hole and get kidnapped by anxiety and depression. It’s difficult to predict how I’ll react to downtime -

• Should I try to keep busy and avoid thinking too much?
• Will making plans but failing to keep them cause a shame spiral?
• Will having no plans cause a shame spiral?
• Will no plans keep me relaxed so I feel able to interact with the world?
• Does the answer lie somewhere in between?

For me, I want to say that the answer is somewhere in between.  I don't know where quite yet.

I also really like the term "shame spiral" because I can relate to it and it is such an accurate and descriptive term.  For those of you who've never experienced a shame spiral, here's what mine are like:

1. For whatever reason, I feel as though I've failed.  This can be not completing something I'd intended to do or simply not doing anything.  It can be any type of failure, no matter how big or small.
2. I will overly focus on and obsess about said failure and get worked up.  There will probably be tears and there will definitely be a great deal of negative thoughts of general worthlessness.  There might even be a panic attack.
3. By the time I've hit this part, there is a strong chance that I will be completely useless for the remainder of the day which will only further perpetuate the shame spiral.
4. Bonus round - I might even carry the shame on for multiple days or start reliving past failures and have more shame spirals form. 

Herein lies the trouble, my mind waffles on whether these plans are mandatory, wanted, needed, or time-fillers.

I both love and hate making plans.  Plans are good because I can then actually plan them.  I know what to expect and what is expected of me.  I am prepared for the event/outing/whatever.

However, plans are commitments and promises.   And I really hate breaking commitments and promises.  This means that if I freak out or have an issue and cannot participate in said plan.  That means I've failed and BAM - shame spiral.

(I do want to mention that most of my close friends as well as my husband and the kids understand that this can happen.  While they still may be hurt or disappointed, they are supportive and understanding of me.  My extended-immediate family (parents and siblings) is getting better at it, perhaps due to my blog.) 

Spinning about my head is the recurring thought that I need to maximize my time off. I need to have fun. I need to be productive. I need to have interesting stories to tell once real-life resumes. I need to recommit to my life and find fulfilling activities. I need to be a functioning, contributing member of society.

This starts a potentially vicious cycle of:

1. Plans/objectives
2. Failure
3. Shame spiral
4. Deep depressive episode
5. Isolation from my life
6. Recover period

Of course it can go well and does rather often.  It is when it doesn't go well that I suffer.

I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure but I need to start to realize that I may also be setting myself up for success.  In a perfect/better world, I would just try my best.  I would try my best and actually be content with what I was able to achieve and focus on the achievement instead of the failure.  Sometimes I might not achieve much of anything and that is okay.  I would wade in to the shallow water first instead of just cannon-balling into the deep end.  I would be realistic with my own personal expectations. 

Realistically, I’ll get anxious about failing to accomplish anything that I won’t actually try, then half-heartedly convince myself that I didn’t try so I didn’t fail. 

Really need to stop that one and come to an acceptance that failure is an okay and human thing.  By not beating myself up over a failure that is really quite minor in the big scheme of things, I can hopefully avoid going any further and the "2.  Failure" step I mentioned above. It is just so difficult to do since I've been berating myself over my moments that are unsuccessful. 

Embracing failure as a learning experience would also be helpful.  If I was able to look back on the failure and dissect it so I could figure out what pushed that moment or event over into the failure zone.  This would allow me to avoid those triggers or come up with ways to cope with them.

How to improve your mood

I know I've referenced the website Tiny Buddha a few times in the past.  It's a great website/blog with a lot of good information.  The article "30 ways to improve your mood when you're feeling down" arrived in my inbox and I loved it.  Here are the tips:

1. Step back and self-reflect. Whenever I start feeling depressed, I try to stop, reflect, and get to the root of my feelings.  

2. Reach out to someone. I used to bottle up my feelings out of fear that I would be judged if I talked about them. I’ve since learned that reaching out to a loving, understanding person is one of the best things I can do.    

3. Listen to music. Music can heal, put you in a better mood, make you feel less alone, or take you on a mental journey.   

4. Cuddle or play with pets. I have really sweet and happy dogs that are always quick to shower me with love whenever they see me. Spending quality time with a loving pet can instantly make your heart and soul feel better.  

5. Go for a walk. Walking always helps me clear my head and shed negative energy. It’s especially therapeutic if you choose to walk at a scenic location.  

6. Drink something healthy and reinvigorating. For some reason, orange juice always puts me in a better mood and makes me feel revitalized and serene. There are many health and mood benefits of drinking orange juice and other fruit juices.    

7. Write. Writing is usually the first thing I do when I’m feeling down. It always helps me get my thoughts and feelings out in front of me.    

8. Take a nap. Sometimes we just need to recharge. I always feel better after getting some rest.   

9. Plan a fun activity. Moping around never helps me feel any better, so it usually helps to plan something fun to do if I’m feeling up to it. It can be something as simple as creating my own vision board or something as big as planning a trip.     

10. Do something spontaneous. Some of my favorite memories entail choices I made spontaneously. We should all learn to let go of routine every now and then and do something exciting and unplanned.      

11. Prioritize. Sometimes I feel depressed when my priorities are out of balance. I try to make sure I’m giving a fair amount of attention to all the priorities in my life, such as work, relationships, health, and personal happiness.

12. Look through old photographs or snap some new ones. Sorting through old memories or capturing new ones usually puts a smile on my face.   

13. Hug someone. I am definitely a hugger. Hugs are such an easy way to express love and care without having to say a word.  

14. Laugh. Watch a funny movie or spend time with someone who has a good sense of humor. Laughing releases tension and has a natural ability to heal.  

15. Cry. I don’t like crying in front of people, but whenever I have an opportunity to slink away and cry by myself, I always feel better afterwards. Crying releases pain.  

16. Read back over old emails or text messages, or listen to old voicemails. Whenever I feel dejected or bad about myself, I like to read kind emails and comments from my blog readers or listen to cute voicemails from my grandmother. Doing so reminds me that I’m loved, thought about, and appreciated.  

17. Reconnect with someone. Get back in touch with an old friend or a family member that you haven’t spoken to in awhile. Reconnecting with people almost always puts me in a good mood and fills my heart up with love.   

18. Write yourself a letter. I try to separate myself from my ego and give myself a pep talk every now and then. Cicero said, “Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.”  

19. Try a deep breathing exercise. There are all kinds of deep breathing exercises out there. Find one you like and do it whenever you’re feeling stressed or overly emotional.  

20. Cultivate gratitude. Practicing genuine gratitude on a daily basis has been a major source of healing in my life. When I step back and notice everything I have to be grateful for, it makes me feel like I have everything I need and that nothing is lacking. It makes me feel whole.   

21. Re-watch a funny or inspiring YouTube video. I recommend Webcam 101 for Seniors. That video cheers me up every time. There are so many funny and inspiring videos online.    

22. Bake something. Baking has always been therapeutic and entertaining for me. Plus, I can eat whatever I baked and share it with others afterward.  

23. Get out of the house. I work from home, so a large majority of my time is spent indoors, planted in front of my laptop. I have to make a point to get out every now and then, whether it’s to get some fresh air or go out to eat with a friend.    

24. Focus on what truly matters to you. Sometimes I forget what matters to me and what isn’t that important. Some things just aren’t worth getting too upset over.  

25. Take a negative comment or situation and look for something positive about it. If someone says something negative to me or I get stuck in an unpleasant situation, sometimes it helps to look at it from a different angle. Perspective is everything.  

26. Daydream. Take a mental vacation. Let your mind wander for a while.   

27. Let some natural sunlight come in. Opening all the blinds and curtains and letting natural sunlight flood your home can help elevate your mood.   

28. Take a mental health day. Sometimes we just need to take a day to clear our heads and nurture our souls. My mental health has a history of being a bit erratic, so nurturing it is a priority in my life.  

29. Let go. This is a very simple mantra of mine. I usually say it to myself multiple times each day, which has been very liberating and empowering.    

30. Read Tiny Buddha. And of course, you can always read Tiny Buddha! I personally love the quotes section. There is a category for almost every universal theme or emotion.

Validation

I feel like I'm going to start to annoy people with asking "Do you think I'm better?" because I really want to know what other people think.  Deep down, I know it only truly matters what I feel but there are so many people in my life that have been affected by my depression and anxiety that I want to know if they are seeing an improvement.  Maybe I need to put it out there to those I'm closest with that I want them to tell me if they have noticed any changes or improvements and to let me know if they see any in the future.

In other news, I'm laughing.  That seems like such a silly and random statement but there have been very few moments of true, deep laughter in the past year.  I'm not saying that I never laughed, but it was rare and something really had to strike me as utterly hilarious.  Now I find myself laughing at typical things like lines in a comedy show, my dogs in their cute matching doggie pajamas, my husband being a goofball. 

Oh, and the smiles...they are real and genuine.  I'm not putting on those fake-ass masks and pretending that I'm happy just so people will leave me alone.  I am truly feeling good.  And when I'm less than happy, I don't fake it for the sake of others.  I'm being the real me and letting my emotions show, even if they are the scary ones.

I'm also putting myself out there some by initiating social activities instead of sitting back and waiting for an invitation.  I'm feeling a bit more comfortable and confident with myself again.  I'm excited about getting out and doing things.  I'm not going crazy and scheduling multiple engagements a day, but I'm going out at least twice a week. 

I've missed this. 

I've missed me.

Describing my depression, part 4

I keep doing these posts on "describing my depression" because it is imperative to my own well being to explain what is going on with me and in my head.  I also feel the need to continue to do this so I can work through it and come up with better ways to explain my depression to other people.  I think I'm making some strides in the right direction.

Anyway, several months ago, I stumbled upon this little gem of a guy.  Yep, there he is...chilling at my dinner table and taking up space.  He's the evil, scary, overpowering depression.  He looks like a monster.  He is frightening. 

This little buddy slinks into my brain and takes up residence.  He infects every aspect of my life and works on taking over.  Some days, he wins and you don't get a glimpse at anything or anyone close to me.  Sometimes he shadows me and just casts icky blackness on my moods and actions.  There are even moments when he hides in the very back, taking up so little space that you don't even realize that he's still there or that he can quickly jump back to full-sized, up-front scary.At times, he can disappear completely for several days, weeks, or months.  When he does reappear, sometimes it is as a bigger than life, in-your-face slam but it can also arrive in a slow trickle until he is flooded everywhere. 

You cannot stop him from hanging around but you can tame him and cage him some, rendering him incapable of interfering with your life.  I do this by taking anti-depressants.  I also help keep him at bay but getting enough sleep, living a healthy lifestyle, utilizing my coping mechanisms and relying on some routines and schedules.  It is not a perfect or fool-proof solution but it is working for now. 

Describing my depression, part 3

When my depression is acting up and when I'm in The Bad Place, it is so difficult to describe to someone.  Those who know me best, know that something is wrong or off with me when they ask me how I'm doing, I just cannot explain what exactly is going on.  If I say, I'm depressed the auto-reply is "why?"  But as we know, that isn't something you can answer with a reason like "I flunked a test."  There is a cause/reason, but it is something that isn't an environmental cause. 

Often I just say that I'm sick.  And it's true.  No, I don't have a cold or the flu, but I am feeling equally as bad, if not worse.  "Sick" is my default answer because most people don't ask for a lot of details or specifics.  Let's face it, no one wants to hear that you cannot step away from the bathroom for fear you'll have to vomit in a trash can.

You do feel sad, upset and unhappy.  You don't want to do anything or deal with anything or anybody.  Demands on you, some as simple as answering if you want chocolate or vanilla ice cream, can lead to a breakdown and tears.  You cannot cope with everyday life and you really don't want to in that moment.  Hell, you are lucky if you can manage to brush your teeth or comb your hair. 

It really is that difficult to function and exist. 

It is a struggle.

It sucks.

It hurts.

But I'm going to quit using "sick" as my response.  I'm going to tell those who ask me how I'm doing that I'm dealing with my depression and it is currently winning against me, if that is the case in the moment.  If they ask for more information, I'm going to try to tell them in a way that makes sense to someone without depression.  I'm going to trust that they truly care and really want to know.  I'm not going to censor myself and that means being honest with those in my life and with myself.

Describing my depression, part 2

After a lot of time, I know that there isn't anything "wrong" with the exception that I have depression.  There isn't a incident that happens to make me depressed, however incidents can make my already depressed mood worse or can trigger me into a depression if I'm teetering on the edge of the depression pit.

This sums it up quite nicely.

It is so difficult to explain depression to someone who has never had clinical depression.  Most people have experienced depressive episodes and might assume that such an episode is what depression is like.  In my experiences, this is true but not. 

I really don't know how to explain it so it makes sense.  Some of the feelings and emotions are similar but someone having a depressive episode will go through the experience and come out on the other side.  Those with clinical depression take much longer to come out of the depression.  It seems that depressive episodes can be traced back to a trigger - death, end of relationship, loss of job, etc. - whereas clinical depression doesn't have a trigger since it is a brain disorder. 

More than anything, I would love to be able to put into words just what goes on in my brain and in my life when I'm dealing with depression.  I want those I love to understand what I'm dealing with so they can understand it and me.  I know this would help them out just as much as it would help me.

Perhaps this blog will help.  Maybe I will be able to better work out my thoughts and explain things.  I think that is really by big goal.

Describing my depression

When I was first diagnosed with depression, the disease was very unfamiliar to me.  I knew what it was like to be sad and have an episode of depression but had no clue that having depression was so different.  Over the past thirteen years, I've done a great deal of research on depression and other forms of mental illness, especially those that I've been diagnosed with or have come up as possibilities for me.

And still, I do not know how to accurately describe it and how it feels to me.

This is in part to the fact that every day is different.  There are recurring themes but I don't know what combo I will deal with at any given moment.  It is a very personal thing but also one that I want to share with those I'm closest to so that they may understand me a bit better.

Every so often, I find a picture or a quote that really describes it well.  Here's one:

Scary stuff, huh?  Of course, if you have never read the "Harry Potter" books or seen any of the "Harry Potter" movies, this will mean nothing to you.  But if you have, then you probably shuddered when you read it. 

Long ago, I remember hearing about encouraging children who have cancer to picture the cancer as monsters.  This gave the kids a visual image of the disease and would help them to focus on using thought and imagery to maintain a good mindset during the radiation, chemotherapy and other treatments.  It also made it easier for them to understand what they were fighting against and what they hoped to defeat.

A dementor is a good representation of my depression.  It is big, scary and completely unpredictable.  It can literally suck the life right out of me, leaving me a shell of who I used to be.  It strikes fear in me, as well as those around me who see what it is doing to me.  They can be defeated, if you know how and if you are dedicated to fighting.

What's wrong?

Whenever things are less than rosy, or less that what other people perceive as rosy, I get asked the dreaded question: "What's wrong?"

I hate this question.

First, I hate it because I don't know how to respond.  I know this question is something asked by those I'm closer to than just basic acquaintances.  I know this because basic acquaintances or just people ask "How are you?"  It's a common courtesy question.  But still, I don't know how to respond to it.

Do you want me to be honest?  Do you really want to hear what is wrong and/or how I'm truly feeling?

Some people might.  But it is those same people that I do not know HOW to explain the "wrong" to.

In hindsight I can often put my feelings and the chaos that is swirling around in my brain into words that most people can comprehend.  Should I come back to you and tell you then?  Even if it is hours, days, or weeks later?

However, in that moment that I cannot find the sentiments to express myself correctly. 

So I say things like "nothing" or "it's a depression thing" to which most people take as enough of an answer.  To the "How are you?" I give the standard answer of "fine," clearly lying my ass off.  I know this and the person who asked knows this. 

Do I want people to dig?  Do I want my friends and family to probe further and get me to talk or explain?

Sometimes.  But mostly, no.  When depression is kicking my ass, I don't want to talk about it.  I cannot talk about it.  If I do, I feel like I give in and it gets to win for a brief moment.  I also find that I start to ramble and try too hard to explain that I make little sense or only cause more questions to be asked.  Or, the worst, I scare the person.  I scare them because they get a glimpse into my head.  I scare them because I sound like I do not want to live.  I scare them and their reactive concern is too much for me to handle. 

Second, I hate it because I hear it a lot for those I see the most.  The wording itself lends to the idea that something is indeed wrong.  Sometimes I'm just quiet.  Sometimes I'm reflective, or tired, or sick, or have a headache, or am wrapped up in something I'm doing.  But I hear "What's wrong?" because the person asking is concerned.  I appreciate concerned and am so thankful that I am loved by so many people but I feel like some are waiting for me to crack.  That at some point in the near future they will ask me that question and I will totally lose it.  It's almost like that question is setting me up for a breakdown.

So while I do appreciate the concern and I do love that people are genuinely interested in how I'm doing, please don't assume that I'm always deep in the throes of depression.  Don't wonder if I'm nearing the end of my rope.  Maybe think of different ways to inquire as to how I'm doing.  Perhaps asking what I've been doing lately would work.  Inquire about my day.  Or, on occasion, ask me how the depression is going.  Ask me specific questions.  Those are generally easier to answer and can make segueing into deeper conversation about my mental health less painful for both of us. 

The toolbox

My best friend Li has compiled what she calls her toolbox.  This is a collection of coping mechanisms.  These are the things she is good at, the things she understands, the things that she can fall back on when life has gone to shit.

I need a toolbox.

I need to find out more about how she compiled her toolbox and what she put in it.