Things that make you go hmm...

I haven't been doing much personal blogging lately.  I've been sharing photos/graphics and ideas from other sites.  It's been safer for me to do so.  It's not that I don't want to be vulnerable and share my thoughts and feelings, it's that I have been unable to figure them out enough to express them in a manner that makes even a small bit of sense. 

The whole process and intent of this blog is for me to have a vehicle to figure out my thoughts, fears, and feelings as I go through my life with depression.  I want to help myself by working through the issues and if I can offer some insight to myself and potentially others, all the better.  By sharing my successes and struggles, I feel that I am making progress.

Yesterday was the 3 week mark of being on the increased dosage of Zoloft.  I feel like it is making a little bit of difference but it still isn't enough.  I'm not where I want to be.  I really think I could feel better and be happier.  I'm doing what I can to help me reach that potential but it isn't enough.  I don't like relying on medication to help me but am very much so aware that I don't have the luxury to be drug-free.  I'm okay with that...mostly.  My health and my sanity are a priority and if keeping myself sane and functioning means filling my body with chemicals, so be it. 

Because of how I'm feeling (or not feeling), I need to call the doctor.  But, I'm afraid.  I don't know what the next step will be.  Part of me says to give it another week.  It makes sense to be really sure that the dosage is fully integrated into my system.  Talked myself into it so I will be waiting another week.  See, my blog is good for me to work through some issues. 

I really, really do believe that this isn't how it's going to be.  I have to believe that because if it isn't true, then there is no point in taking these meds or working through the problems.  So I believe, even when it is difficult to do so on most days.  Part of getting better does mean I need to write more and, in turn, blog more.  The entries might not make sense and may ramble on in a stream-of-conscious manner, but they do help. 

So, with a deep breath, I take the next six days as they come and commit to speaking with my doctor next week.