Bad days

I've been having multiple bad days.  I'm still having more good days than bad, but I'm having many more bad days per week than I have since I started back on my meds.  It's something I will definitely report to the doctor when I call in next week. 

One of the worst things about these bad days are that there is no warning.  It's not as if there is a slow progressing where I feel a little bit worse each day.  It's a BAM!  And it can last for hours or all day or even a few days. 

Today is my third bad day in a row.

There is no reason, rationale or explanation.  It just is and it just happens.  Will it always be like this?  Perhaps.  Will it interfere with my life, especially that future life where I plan to work full-time?  Perhaps.  Does it scare me?  Definitely.

I worry that my depression will get me fired, if I can even get to the point of not having a full-blown panic attack while just looking for a job, much less actually applying, interviewing and starting work.  I worry that I will let down so many people, including myself, if I fail at handling what so many people view as life.  I am fully aware that worrying gets a person absolutely nowhere and that it is just wasting energy, but it's difficult to stop and not worry.  But that viewed life?  It is one that is productive, where the person has a job, can be relied on, earns money, enjoys time with friends and family.  Almost more than anything, I want to be that person.

When you want something so normal and natural to most people, it becomes an ache deep within your soul.  You have a void in your heart that you need to fill.  Desperately need to fill.  So you try.  And you try again.  Undoubtedly, you fail a time or twelve.  But you keep trying. This also involves pushing yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone. 

At some point, you either reach your goal or modify your plan and keep going by trying different approaches.  You have people giving your suggestions, uninvited or not.  They push you.  It is rare that they understand you, even more so rare if they are able to see deep down to the root of your struggles and pain, to the true you that is buried somewhere under all the pain and all the struggles, and understand.  This is the you who is battered and broken.  You are bruised and terrified and just really want to give up.  If you could have a do-over, you would and demand that you not have these problems, not have this illness, this disease. 

These moments...these realizations...don't help when you are already having a bad day where you mental illness is fighting against you.  When the two team up, it's nearly unbearable. 

I'm at that point.

And a fucking hate it.

I don't know what to do.

If I did know what to do, I'm not even sure I would know how.