Racing thoughts

It's been one of those nights that actually started as one of those days. Thursdays are the weekly get together I have with Li and Lo. We chat witchy stuff, discuss life, share our problems and just bond as friends.

I didn't go.

I was "sick".

Sick is in quotation marks because while I honestly didn't feel well, I wasn't physically sick. I didn't have a cold or the flu or any sort of stomach ailment. I didn't have a migraine or a broken leg or a sore throat

But I was "sick".

I was having problems with my depression and anxiety. I'm feeling incredibly anxious about this weekend since my mom and step dad will be here Friday and my father-in-law will be here later Friday night to spend the weekend with us. Neither are really things that should stress me out but I am feeling overwhelmed.

Because of those feelings, I slipped into protection and preparation mode. I slept. A lot. I did what I could to mentally prepare for the weekend while also striving not to focus on it too much. I tried my best to calm myself and be okay, but it was too much.

Perhaps it wasn't too much but it was more than I could handle and still go to spend time with two of my best friends. My "sickness" interfered with my life and with something I enjoy and look forward to.

Now it's just after 3:00 am and I cannot settle. Part of that can probably be blamed on the extra sleep I got today. But it's mostly because my mind is racing with thoughts and scenarios and stuff.

I am thinking about bills that I need to pay but am completely oblivious to how much money we have right now. I'm pondering menus and sleeping arrangements for the weekend but am not making any lists. Basically, I am focussing and obsessing but taking absolutely no action.

Being aware of that, one would think that I would start to take some action.

But I don't.

Can't.