Anxiety - how to keep it at bay

Great post from Zen Mama.

“This, too, shall pass.”

“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.”
~Thich Nhat Hanh

Anxiety. We all have it. Some more than others. Usually, I’m able to keep anxiety at bay. It’s a horrible feeling, more than just butterflies in your stomach; more like a rock in your stomach. Fear and anxiety can keep us from action. Immobilize you. You want to hide away. It’s hard to feel relaxed. Anxiety wakes me up at night.

It was anxiety that first started Zen Mama. Mainly, the fear that my son wouldn’t graduate from high school and go on to college inspired me to become a Zen Mama and write about it in my first book, How To Be A Zen Mama. My worry hurt our relationship. I taught myself that if I could let go of worry, I could actually be closer to my kids.

And now, this week that same son found out he is graduating from college on time. He’s passed two Clep tests, the last hurdle he needed to graduate next month on time.

But don’t think that I never feel worry any more. I’ve just gotten better at handling the worry. In fact, anxiety reared it’s ugly head these last two weeks. I was unprepared for it and it sucked me in, keeping me up at night. It was waiting for the results of our oldest’s tests but also our recent home sale. We put our house up for sale and it sold in 2 days. Which is really great! But waiting for the deadlines to pass was nerve racking. And then the unknown… where will we be living in a month?

I remember my first anxious parenting moment before our oldest was even born. Our first ultra sound didn’t show a cerebellum in the baby. They would check again at the next appointment the following week. That was such a tough week waiting! I kept telling myself that if the doctors were really concerned they’d have me in the next day. (And of course he does have a cerebellum!) While raising kids there were always things to be anxious about. Looking back, most of those worries didn’t really matter.

It’s human nature to cling to the fear. So, I have to pull out my little bag of tricks to help keep that anxiety at bay. What’s in my bag of tricks?

1. I’ve learned you can’t make fear go away completely. You have to face your anxiety with calm. Deep breaths help.

2. I ask myself, “What’s the worst thing that can happen if this come to pass?” And I remind myself that 9 times out of 10 what I fear never comes to pass. And if that one thing does come to pass, then move forward with courage.

3. Once I acknowledge the fear, I can begin to let go of expectations.

4. I say this quote to myself, “if you can solve your problem what’s the use of worrying? If you can’t solve your problem then what’s the use of worrying?”

5. I try to think positively rather than negatively.

6. I exercise, take a walk, be in nature. Time stands still in nature. And I remind myself that nature takes what’s given and still remains beautiful.

7. I remind myself that things seem worse at night. Often I feel better in the morning, even when I have trouble sleeping at night.

8. Try manifesting the positive through I AM statements. Saying I AM is a powerful affirmation that makes things happen!

9. Lastly I have a good friend to remind me of all these things! I’m very lucky to have the Zen Papa!

Anxiety is not something that will ever go away. But our reaction can change the way we feel it. And that’s what being a Zen Mama or Papa is all about, changing our reaction to life’s worries and negative situations. Every moment is a chance to let go and feel relief.

“Rule number one is, don’t sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it’s all small stuff.”
~ Robert Eliot

Things that make you go hmm...

I haven't been doing much personal blogging lately.  I've been sharing photos/graphics and ideas from other sites.  It's been safer for me to do so.  It's not that I don't want to be vulnerable and share my thoughts and feelings, it's that I have been unable to figure them out enough to express them in a manner that makes even a small bit of sense. 

The whole process and intent of this blog is for me to have a vehicle to figure out my thoughts, fears, and feelings as I go through my life with depression.  I want to help myself by working through the issues and if I can offer some insight to myself and potentially others, all the better.  By sharing my successes and struggles, I feel that I am making progress.

Yesterday was the 3 week mark of being on the increased dosage of Zoloft.  I feel like it is making a little bit of difference but it still isn't enough.  I'm not where I want to be.  I really think I could feel better and be happier.  I'm doing what I can to help me reach that potential but it isn't enough.  I don't like relying on medication to help me but am very much so aware that I don't have the luxury to be drug-free.  I'm okay with that...mostly.  My health and my sanity are a priority and if keeping myself sane and functioning means filling my body with chemicals, so be it. 

Because of how I'm feeling (or not feeling), I need to call the doctor.  But, I'm afraid.  I don't know what the next step will be.  Part of me says to give it another week.  It makes sense to be really sure that the dosage is fully integrated into my system.  Talked myself into it so I will be waiting another week.  See, my blog is good for me to work through some issues. 

I really, really do believe that this isn't how it's going to be.  I have to believe that because if it isn't true, then there is no point in taking these meds or working through the problems.  So I believe, even when it is difficult to do so on most days.  Part of getting better does mean I need to write more and, in turn, blog more.  The entries might not make sense and may ramble on in a stream-of-conscious manner, but they do help. 

So, with a deep breath, I take the next six days as they come and commit to speaking with my doctor next week. 

Healing

Just what I needed today.  Much thanks, as always, going out to the Brave Girls Club.

Dear Healing Girl,

There may be days where it feels like nothing really good is happening inside of your heart, soul and mind, even though you are trying with all of your might. You may have tried so many books, so many programs, so many ideas to heal from what is hurting you most...and it may even seem like you may have gone backwards.

Healing is strange in this way, dear girl. Healing happens in thin little layers that wisp away on soft breezes and if each layer were measured...seem as though they are as thick and weighty as nothing. How can a wispy little layer make a single bit of difference?

Over time, day by day....wispy little layers add up. It seems as though shame and lies and outdated pain are shaved off little by little by little.

Just like a block of marble is made into a masterpiece by chiseling away tiny fragments of rock that turn to dust........over time, the masterpiece is revealed...layer by tiny fragmented layer.

It is worth it to stick with it, beautiful friend. Let the miraculous masterpiece be unearthed. Trust that tiny, wispy little layers are enough.....one of these days...you will wake up and the pain will be gone....and you will look in the mirror and see yourself....all unearthed, sparkling in your YOUness.....

It will be worth it.
You are so very loved.
xoxo

Leap of faith

Li shared a video with me that lead me to discovering the awesomeness that is Lissa Rankin.  One bit of love that she offers to her readers is called "The Daily Flame."  It's a bit of loveliness that sometimes makes me smile, sometimes makes me cry, and always makes me think.  It arrives in my inbox Monday-Friday.  Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways and really hits me hard with actual life struggles or questions.  This came the other day from my Inner Pilot Light.

Dearest Shanda,

You know that leap of faith you're considering making?

Yes. That one.

Let me give you a little hint to help you make it.

When the pain of staying put exceeds your fear of the unknown, you leap. When that time comes, you simply can't stay anymore. One day, you can. The next, it's impossible. It doesn't mean you won't be afraid, but the relative fear is no longer strong enough to support the inaction because the pain of inaction becomes intolerable.

So it's okay to be in a place of inaction if that's where you are right now. The fear of the unknown can be incredibly powerful but uncertainty is a spiritual lesson. On one side of uncertainty lies the anxiety that accompanies the fear of the unknown. But on the other side lies possibility, potential, the magical realization that when you don't know what will happen, ANYTHING can happen.

Magic lies just around the corner.

Trust that the uncertain future will be more glorious than you ever dreamed, that the Universe has great things in store for you, even when you have no proof that it will be so.

So, precious Shanda, be infinitely compassionate with yourself as you consider your decision. Whatever your decision, the day will come when you'll just know. As Anais Nin said, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Keep listening to me, and when the time is right to leap, I promise, you'll know.

Here with a parachute,

Your Inner Pilot Light

Sign up for your own bit of awesomeness from your Inner Pilot Light here.

Great perspective on asking for help

"Look, just because you ask somebody for help, it doesn't make you crazy. [It] Just means you're taking control." --the character Riley Parks on "The Client List"

Craptastic

I'm having a bad night. There is a lot of drama and miscommunication going on.

One friend is experiencing inner turmoil and is questioning a great deal. It's very uncharacteristic of her and I don't know how to assist her through the situation or even if she wants any help. Some harsh statements were made and I feel as though our relationship may have taken one of those turns where nothing you do or say gets you back to where your friendship once stood. The dynamics are forever changed. Only time will tell.

On a different front, one of my online Pagan groups seems to have shattered. It's an utter mess of confusing accusations and misunderstandings. Slowly it seems people in the group are taking sides. Another group has been started and some are defecting to it. Some members are in both groups. All the hurt going on is nearly unbearable.

Those two events combined with the gremlins in my own head have me teetering on the edge. I know I need to take care of myself first and foremost but it is especially difficult when people I care about are struggling. I'm a fixer and a people-pleaser to the core. I focus on other people and their issues. I listen and I help. It's who I am. Even when it is detrimental to my own well-being.

I might just need to step away from these two issues. The one with the online group is rather easy to accomplish. People will understand or they won't. Those that I'm close to within the groups will stick by me. The other concern is not something I can distance myself from because it deals with a person I interact with in my personal life and my Pagan life. She is one of my dearest friends. I will just tread carefully with her and see what comes next.

Not letting sadness win

The bravest thing

Diary of a panic attack

This is from Anxiety Adventures.  It's accurate but, in my experience, no two panic attacks have been exactly alike.  Many of my panic attacks have had one or several of the above feelings/sensations.  There are many more, none of which I can recall at this exact moment.  You don't have the composure to analyze the panic attack in the moment that it is happening.  And after?  Well, after you are so exhausted and thankful you survived.  Your body hurts.  More than anything, you don't wish to relive the moments that have just passed so you don't and do your best to move on.  That makes it incredibly difficult to describe a panic attack.

Your head begins to swim, just slightly. Perhaps the back of your head begins to tingle – small tingles, almost like there are hundreds of fingers gently poking the base of your head. Time passes as your swimming, tingly head begins to get hot.

Your thoughts start to spin faster. You have trouble deciphering your thoughts.

Your throat begins to collapse…it doesn’t close necessarily, but it gets more difficult to breathe, like the sensitive part beneath your adam’s apple is caving in.

Among your muddled thoughts, a few appear and they are saying

• You can’t breathe.
• This isn’t safe.
• You’re going to die.
• You need to get out of here.
• You’re having a panic attack.

Once you realize it’s a panic attack, your flight response takes over, your thoughts are replaced with panic and you can’t think at all. Your whole body begins to tremble and you aren’t sure whether it’s noticeable. No position seems comfortable or comforting but you are unsure what position your body is even in. You have no awareness of your body.

Your head is filled with loud warning bells, flashing lights, flashing images, all moving at 1,000 miles per hour. You’re light-headed and weak, you can’t possible move.

Are you breathing? You aren’t sure.

Surely hours have passed since this all began, right? I’ve been panicking for hours.

The only thing that’s clear is that you are going to die. You are definitely dying.
 




 And then it stops. All of your muscles are tense. Your mind is filled with sand. You can breathe, albeit shakily. You may find your body in a position you don’t remember it being in.

Then the shame and embarrassment creep. Why did I have a panic attack? I should be able to control this.

937 by Emily Dickinson

I felt a Cleaving in my Mind —
As if my Brain had split —
I tried to match it — Seam by Seam —
But could not make it fit.

The thought behind, I strove to join
Unto the thought before —
But Sequence ravelled out of Sound
Like Balls — upon a Floor.