Christmas with the family 2012, part 1

At least two of my past posts (Bah humbug and Struggling) dealt with what I like to call the weekend from hell or the hectic weekend.  For the weekend from hell, we (me, my husband and the two kids) drive two and a half hours to Omaha on Friday.  On Saturday we celebrate the holidays with my mom's siblings, their children and my grandfather and his girlfriend.  Later that evening, we have our smaller family Christmas with my mom, my step dad, my brother and his wife and me and my family.  Sunday we head to my dad's house for a meal and gifts with my father, his wife, my brother and his wife, my sister and then me and my family.  This all must be accomplished by 2:00 pm so we can be home in time to pick up the dogs from the doggie hotel (Sunday pickups are between 5:00 and 5:30 pm) and return the kids to their mother's house by 6:00 pm.  Hectic!

Add to that I have issues riding in the car for long periods of time.  I get incredibly freaked out and sometimes bump up into a panic attack.  Let's also include that I sometimes have problems in crowds even if I know everyone and/or are related to them.  In addition, there is a certain amount of anxiety involved when I need to don the daughter/granddaughter/niece/cousin persona.

This year there was some added stress since we were also going to go to my sister's college graduation...on Saturday morning.  She's was graduating from the largest college in Nebraska so there were lots of people and a lot of things I didn't have control over.  I wasn't going to miss her getting her college diploma so not going was simply not an option.

(I'm not even going to get into the stress and anxiety that built up during the week prior.)

So, everything on Friday seemed to go just fine.  No major snags and I did really well riding in the van on the way there.  I did take an Ativan prior to the trip and once during.

Saturday things started off okay until I went to take a shower and realized I brought the wrong shirt to go under my vest.  Quick search revealed a Walmart on the way so we were going to leave just a bit earlier and all would be fine.  We got to Lincoln with very little problem.  As we were heading to the location of her graduation we got off track.  Pulled up driving directions on my phone and we were back on track and going just fine.

When we arrived, the lines were HUGE and the parking areas were filling.  My husband and I got a bit snappish with each other.  I had taken an Ativan prior to the trip and was very temped to take another but knew I might need my remaining two later on in the day.  After all, it was only 9:00 am. 

After being directed to a parking lot, I switched into my other shirt and we began the jaunt to the center.  We arrived and spotted my brother, sister-in-law and father rather quickly.  We were lucky to find some seats just behind them.

The ceremony was long and I got a little weepy but the panic didn't set in.  Afterwards, we found my sister and since we had some time to kill, we headed to my sister's apartment.  She rode with us so it was easy.  She was also going to ride with us to her reception site.  Time at her apartment and the ride to the reception went beautifully.  We arrived and I was able to see my step mom for the first time in probably three and a half years.  We chatted some and vowed to stay in touch better down the road. 

The reception continued and was going very well until we were getting ready to leave.  Since my dad had to bring my brother and sister-in-law over to my mom's house, we were trying to come up with the best plan on how to make that happen since he didn't know where their house was located.  I had mentioned giving him directions or just meeting at his house back in Omaha, but he said we could just follow each other.  I said we could do that but would need to meet up with each other since we were parked in different areas.  My dad started explaining things to me and I just lost it.

I couldn't deal with the information and being responsible for it.  Hell, I wasn't even the one driving.  I told him to talk to my husband and walked out.  I needed a break and some air. Apparently my father and husband worked it out so we all took off to our vehicles.  We had a little problem with ours (the sliding door wouldn't open) so it took us a bit longer to reach the meetup area.  When we did arrive, my father was nowhere to be found.  We drove a little bit, looking for him.  No luck.  So I called him and he didn't answer.  I called my brother.  No answer.  I called my sister-in-law and our luck ran out.  My husband kept asking me what we should do and I kept getting more and more anxious and upset.

I've learned that when I'm already having issues (depressed or dealing with anxiety), making decisions is something I am incapable of doing.  I figure it is because I'm already dealing with so much shit going on in my head that anything else just pushes me completely over the edge.  This was one of those times.

Eventually I told him to just pull over until we could reach my dad.  We did after some time and I thought we were figured out.  Nope.  So we talked on the phone again.  We still weren't on the same page.  I was done so I told him we should just head back to Omaha and meet at his house.  He agreed.

Once on the interstate, my husband decided he needed something to drink so he suggested we stop at one of the towns and meet my dad there.  Called dad and he thought that sounded like a great plan so we met at a gas station.  Once everyone did their thing, we went to leave and my dad, instead of following us, took the lead.  Are you kidding me?

My husband was feeling just as frustrated as I was so we just let it be.  We caught up to them right before the exit to my father's house.  And my father took it!  My husband asked me what we should do and I told him to just keep driving.  Immediately, my phone rang and it was my dad.  He said he messed up and they would get right back on the interstate.  They did and we were on the phone and off it for the ride to my mom's house.

I was so glad to get there.  I tried not to let my frustration and anger show to my dad and I know he felt some tension but not all of it.  We hugged it out and I told him we would talk later.

Part two will be up soon.  Just writing this I've just about worked up into the emotions I was feeling that day.  Not cool.

(Part two can be read here and part 3 here.)

"It's kind of a funny story"

I recently finished the book "It's kind of a funny story" by Ned Vizzini.  It is a fantastic book for anyone with depression and for those who live with/love someone with depression.  He addresses mental illness in a way that is refreshing and real since he did spend time in a psychiatric hospital for five days. 

Here's the synopsis of the book (from Goodreads):

Like many ambitious New York City teenagers, Craig Gilner sees entry into Manhattan's Executive Pre-Professional High School as the ticket to his future. Determined to succeed at life--which means getting into the right high school to get into the right college to get the right job--Craig studies night and day to ace the entrance exam, and does. That's when things start to get crazy. 

At his new school, Craig realizes that he isn't brilliant compared to the other kids; he's just average, and maybe not even that. He soon sees his once-perfect future crumbling away. The stress becomes unbearable and Craig stops eating and sleeping--until, one night, he nearly kills himself. 

Craig's suicidal episode gets him checked into a mental hospital, where his new neighbors include a transsexual sex addict, a girl who has scarred her own face with scissors, and the self-elected President Armelio. There, isolated from the crushing pressures of school and friends, Craig is finally able to confront the sources of his anxiety. 

Ned Vizzini, who himself spent time in a psychiatric hospital, has created a remarkably moving tale about the sometimes unexpected road to happiness. For a novel about depression, it's definitely a funny story.

Some things from the book that really hit home for me were when the main character talks about "Tentacles," "Anchors" and  "The Shift."

"Tentacles" are the tasks and events that invade your life.  They make you feel bad, stressed, depressed, or panicked.  These could be things you have to do or feel like you have to do.  "Anchors" are the opposite of "Tentacles" in that they are things that occupy your mind and make you feel good, even if it is only temporary.  "The Shift" is when your life comes back to you.  Your brain works, you are no longer depressed.  There might be little shifts but "The Shift" is the big one where everything is okay again.  

This book has made me start to explore my words and terms for different moments in my depression.  I haven't given it a lot of thought but I like being able to put a word to things that are intangible.  If I explain these words to my friends and family, it saves me from having to explain in greater detail when that is often quite difficult, if not impossible, for me in the moment.  Definitely need to work on this some more.

Joy

I love the Brave Girls Club.

Dear Joyful Girl,

Joy is good. Did you know there's a difference between happiness and joy?

"Joy is untouched by circumstance."

You see, happiness is sometimes fleeting. Joy is a state of mind; that no matter what happens, no matter how much we had planned on a different outcome, that we will always center our lives on what is RIGHT rather than what is WRONG. We will trust the moment and the unexpected gifts that every moment holds. We will trust the moment and the unexpected gifts that every moment holds, even the scary, strange, and unexpectedly difficult moments. Especially those moments, actually.

Even Oprah said it perfectly:

"What I know for sure is that you feel real JOY in direct proportion to how connected you are to living your truth."

Living your truth means listening very closely to the very quiet voice that is constantly trying to get your attention. Living your truth means being very very still and seeking truth and beauty and goodness and small miracles all the days of your life. Living your truth means being exactly who YOU are, in spite of who and what others around you are. Living your truth is a joyful life, a path that no circumstances can every rip you off of.

Joy can be felt anywhere, at any time, in any situation. This is the truth.

Go forward in JOY, Brave Girl!

xoxo

Alcohol reactions

I don't drink very often anymore.  I will occasionally have a drink or take a sip of something but I generally elect to avoid alcohol.  No real reason except that I really don't enjoy drinking or getting drunk.  Alcoholism also runs in my family.

On my meds, it is recommended that you don't drink.  But I was curious how alcohol would affect me so I had a few mimosas on Christmas day morning.  My husband and I have started a tradition of having French toast, bacon or sausage and mimosas for breakfast on that day.  Since I wanted to know how alcohol might affect me, I decided it was a good time to give it a try since we didn't have any plans for the day and it would just be the two of us at home.

And I will not be drinking again, or at least as long as I am on my meds.

Initially I was fine and had a slight buzz from the champagne.  As time progressed, I got dizzy and felt exceptionally hot.  My brain function was not good.  I couldn't concentrate and was having problems selecting the right words and my memory was shot. 

It was not a good feeling. 

Chalking it up to experience and I'm glad to know that I should avoid alcohol. 

Must remember

In her infinite wisdom and amazing timing, Li shared this little blog with me.  I know she sent it after I relayed the events of the hectic weekend from hell which I will write about soon...probably.

The blog entry she sent is called "Radical Imperfection: Holiday Edition" and is found on the blog "Buffalo Tracts".  The entire entry is wonderful.  But the final message really struck a chord and is something I must remember.

So maybe I can cut myself a little slack. Maybe I can decide that this is a good chance to re-embrace my radical imperfection, and to start writing a little mental speech about how our flaws are what make us beautiful, just in case either of the nieces calls me on that little glue smear I couldn’t quite rub out. Maybe I can allow myself yet again to be human, to be accessible, to be a really good example of someone who made a really good effort and didn’t really make it to the mountaintop but people really loved her anyway.

Good stuff.  Really, really good stuff.  

Price of happiness, revisited

I had to get my Ativan refilled so this was the first time it was applied to the discount card.  I ended up saving $6.37 on that prescription alone.  So here's the current cost of keeping Shanda medicated and generally happy:

• Bupropion HCL (generic form of Wellbutrin) 150 mg XL tablet -- $38.08 $32.89 for thirty tablets, saving $5.19
• Sertraline (generic form of Zoloft) 100 mg tablet --$19.72 $13.20 for thirty tablets, saving $6.52
• Lorazepam (generic form of Ativan) 0.5 mg tablet -- $16.84 $10.47 for sixty tablets, saving $6.37

 I'm saving $18.06 on my meds.  It's help. 

Three months/two months

It's the time again.  Time for the check in with how my meds are helping or not.  As of today, I have been on the Zoloft (and Ativan as needed) for three months and the Wellbutrin for two months.  And...

In some ways I feel like I'm sliding backwards which really sucks.  I can deal with standing still for the time being and would love to be making improvement but getting worse, no matter how slight, is not acceptable.  It's not getting bad or even overly noticeable but it is apparent to me and to my husband.  In less than a month I will see Dr. S again and see what he thinks. 

Bah humbug

I desperately wish I was able to explain what it feels like to be me and be in my head.  I try to put it into words and have made some strides towards a decent explanation and/or description but there is still just so many different facets that need further exploration and definition.  I want to do this so people understand me and my issues better.  Ultimately, I want those I care about most to know my triggers and problems so they can avoid them whenever possible and help me through the rough patches without me having to go completely insane first.  I don't do well with asking for help and wish that some people would just realize that I need it at specific times.

This coming weekend is crazy.  (Read this blog entry if you want to know a bit more about the crazy.)  I'm stressed and feeling exceptionally overwhelmed.  I also feel like I'm not getting help from my husband.  Of course, I haven't asked for much help, but the things I have requested of him haven't been completed.  My parents are also putting stress on me.  I don't think they realize it nor have I told them. 

Generally, I love this time of year.  I love the traditions, the food, the general sense of joy and love.  I get to see family members I only see occasionally and spend some real time catching up.  There is fun and games and happiness.  Happiness is the best part. 

But to get there, you have to deal with the planning, the shopping, the baking, the cooking, the cleaning, the stressing, the obsessing.  You might have to travel so you have to pack and make arrangements for someone to care for your pets.  Perhaps you book flights and hotels and rental cars. Selecting the right gifts, staying within a budget, getting time off work only adds to the stress.  All of this planning is what pushes me to the edge. 

Me, the hubby and kids don't make it out of town very often.  Between jobs, money, pets and life, it is difficult to arrange time to visit our families for a weekend.  But when we are able to do that, I struggle to make the most of our time.  We try to make it fair and see our families equally.  But someone always gets their feelings hurt or feels like they are being tossed aside in favor of the other parent.  And then they tell me about it and I feel guilty and hurt. 

It's like I'm unable to do anything right.

I don't enjoy the time I get to spend with my family.  It isn't fun for me because I'm too worried about making sure I do my part and make the most of the event and spend equal time with everyone.  I try to make sure that my husband and kids are having a good time and that their needs are being met.  I neglect myself and what I want.  I do what is expected of me and fill the set role for that moment.  I try to be the loving daughter and doting granddaughter.  The fun cousin and caring niece have to show up as well.  Let's not forget super-wife and the non-evil stepmother roles as well. 

I'm fully aware I put a great deal of this on myself but I don't know how to NOT let it get to me.  Maybe I'll figure it out someday.  Maybe I'll get through the weekend without being a bitch to someone (more than likely my husband) or having a crying jag. 

But I need to get a move on.  I still need to pack, wrap gifts, load the car, take the dogs to be boarded, print off driving directions, get my sister a graduation gift, straighten the house, possibly do a load or two of laundry and what seems like a zillion other things.  I also need to shower and continue to try and get over this cold.  Easy peasy, right?

Dear Strong Enough Girl

From the wonderful women at the Brave Girls Club who always seem to know the right thing to say...

Dear Strong Enough Girl,

There are seasons in life that come and go. Sometimes it feels like things will never change, or that we will never get through a certain time in our life -- but we always do, don't we? We always got through everything we ever got through -- there was always enough, somehow things always fell together, and everything we needed always showed up from somewhere -- sometimes just at the nick of time.

Some seasons of life are easy and breezy, some are very difficult. Some of our seasons are filled with people and support, sometimes we have to travel alone. Some of our seasons make perfect sense, even if they are difficult. Some of them make absolutely no sense at all while they are happening. Some of our seasons are downright boring. Some of our seasons completely rock our world. Some of our seasons change everything and nothing is the same after them.

ALL OF OUR SEASONS MAKE US WHO WE ARE.

And we continue to have what we need during each one of them, each season of our lives continue to bring enough of whatever it is we need to get through. Things continue to fall together exactly when they are supposed to.

So no reason to worry. It will keep happening. Even if it's a season of uncertainty, just remember that everything always shows up when its supposed to show up, always lasts as long as its supposed to last, and always teaches us exactly what we are supposed to learn.

Life is incredible like that.

Please don't forget that there is a plan for your life, and all of the seasons will make sense someday. Find the beauty in every single one of them, and especially learn the lessons. Pretty soon the seasons will change!

You are loved beyond measure.
xoxo

Struggling

This week is very busy and hectic for me because we are heading out of town for the weekend.  This isn't some leisurely trip.  It is the weekend of craziness.  We will celebrate Christmas with my mom's side of the family, my mom and step dad, and then my dad and his wife.  My sister is also graduating from college.  With the exception of the graduation, we do this every year.  I know I will be stressed and on edge and I also know that we will get through it.

However, I didn't anticipate getting sick.

I have a horrible cold - aches and pains, cough, raw throat, itchy ears, fever, chills and just general unpleasantness.  There is so much I need to get done this week but I know I need to take care of myself and get better.

Sigh.

So I'm trying.  Been drinking hot tea and sleeping a great deal.  This all started on Sunday and today, I don't feel better but I also don't feel worse.  I will take that as a win.  As of tomorrow, I will need to start getting stuff together.  I will still baby myself to a certain extent but my obligations must come first.

Here's to make it through this week and the weekend to come with no major issues or breakdowns.

Road trip: 0 ... Shanda: 1

Oh yeah.  I did it. 

No panic attacks.

No freak outs.

No tears.

I can easily call it a total and complete success. 

And that feels pretty damn fantastic.

Road trip

Today I'm driving to Grand Island.  It is about fifty miles away from here and should take me about an hour drive time.  This is the first time I've driven myself out of town in a very long time.  I'm a little nervous but I know I'm going to be okay.

Car rides have been problems for me for the past several years.  I get terrified and jumpy.  It doesn't matter if I am driving or is someone else is driving.  This only happens on longer trips since I am fine driving or riding in town.

For family trips, I've found that there are things I can do to help ease the anxiety.  If I have Ativan, I take one at least an hour before we leave.  I usually take another one as soon as I get into the car.  I sit in the back seat and wear headphones with the music playing as loud as I can stand it.  I also read or play games on my phone.  Keeping me cool also helps a great deal since feeling too warm or hot is a trigger for me.  Chewing gum or sucking on some hard candy is another good thing.  By engaging so many of my senses simultaneously, my brain doesn't have time or energy...or at least not as much...to obsess about the fact that I'm in a car and could possibly die.

When I get the chance to drive, I feel a little better.  It's a control issue.  Not only do I have control over the vehicle, but the driver also has ultimate say on the music and the temperature in the vehicle.

I'm sure I will update soon about how this journey goes.  I'm trying to be as confident as possible and not over-think it.

Phone phobia

The other day, my phone rang.  It was someone I know but I choose to not answer.  My husband and stepkids were questioning me about why I didn't answer.  I tried to just blow it off with some lame excuse.  They didn't let me get away with it so I tried to break it down and explain it.

I'd never done this before.  But, I'm now glad that I can put my fear into words.

I don't have an actual fear of talking on the phone.  My fear is that I'm caught by surprise and don't know how to make a conversation flow when I feel ambushed by the call.  More often than not, I will ignore a call and listen to the voicemail.  (For the record, I hate it when someone calls and doesn't leave a message.  If you do that, I generally won't call you back unless you call multiple times.)  Once I hear the voicemail, I know what the caller wanted and am better prepared for the phone conversation.  I will then call them back.

And that is for numbers that I do know.  Forget about me answering if your number is not in my phone. 

I'm generally okay with calls from my parents, sister or brother.  My husband and stepkids are always on the answer list.  My best friends will not be ignored.  But anyone else, more than likely you will not reach me on a first call.

Perhaps it is childish or stupid but it is how I work.  It is one of those little tricks I have developed to help me best handle life and the situations it may toss in my direction. 

Bad night turns to bad day

I wrote about the bad night I recently experienced.  It sucked.  But that was only the beginning since the bad night turned into a bad day that had an unexpected surprise.  Lovely.

I was able to get a bit of sleep after I posted my blog.  Didn't get nearly enough but some is better than none.  My brain and thoughts were still going completely bonkers so doing much of anything was difficult.  But I had obligations that day so I did my best even though it was rough going.

Li, Lo and I have a weekly get together on Thursday evenings.  Mostly we do some witchy/pagan/learning/discussion-type of thing.  Every two months we have a divination day where we get a chance to practice on each other and also get a reading our two of our very own.  It's really nice. 

By start time (5:00 pm) my brain was still a murky mess.  I'd taken an Ativan but it wasn't helping.  It was really getting annoying and almost even scary.  Because of how I was feeling, I decided it was best to not do any tarot readings for the girls since interpreting something - anything - was not going to be possible.  Focus was also not happening so most forms of divination were out for me.  I decided I would go ahead and work on some Numerology since there isn't much interpretation involved early on in the reading.  It made sense and still allowed me to play with my best friends.

I was hanging in there.  I worked on the Numerology and listened while Lo did a reading for Li.  I even added some interpretations of my own.  We took a small break then so I decided to use the restroom.

This is when things went wonky and the unwelcome surprise made an appearance.

I used the restroom, washed my hands, dried them and my mind went totally blank.  Blank really isn't the right word for it since there was still the racing thoughts screaming in my brain, but I totally forgot where I was.  I took a couple of deep breaths and stared at myself in the mirror.  It clicked that I was at the library.  However, I had no clue what I was doing at the library.  I walked out of the bathroom and looked around, hoping something would click.  And it did.  But those moments were terrifying.  It maybe lasted twenty seconds but that was too long.

I have never experienced something like this.  I do sometimes forget what I was going to say.  It is like the thought is there and then I go to speak it and poof! it's gone.  I also have been known to walk into a room only to forget the reason for entering it.  Those are small events that happen to a lot of people.  I feel they might happen more often to me but I really have nothing to base that on.

I did make it back to our meeting room and shared, briefly, the issue with Li and Lo.  They were obviously concerned but I needed to leave.  There were offers to follow me but I said I would be okay.  I hoped that was the truth.  I made it to my destination and texted both of them so they knew I was safe and sound.

Later that night, I shared the incident with my husband.  It worried him as well.  I told him that if it happened again, I would share it with Dr. S when I go back in January.  If it happens more than once, I promised that I would contact the doctor immediately and get in to see him ASAP.

The hubby and I also talked about how I was doing.  He feels that I'm backsliding a little and I agree.  I'm not where I was before going back on the medication, but I've had some decrease in patience and increases in crying and being snappish.

The Zoloft should be fully integrated into my system by now so the dosage is doing all that it can for me.  I've been on the Wellbutrin for roughly six weeks and am still not noticing any difference.  Part of me wishes I would have asked Dr. S to just keep me on the Zoloft for a while before changing anything.  It's difficult to tell if the Wellbutrin is having an adverse effect or just not working.  Maybe I just haven't given it enough time.

The plan is to just keep taking my meds as prescribed as long as there are no further incidents or a noticeable, further backslide into why I know to be my symptoms of depression.  If there is a change for the worse or I have another blankout issue, I will see the doctor immediately.