Introvert problem

Wonderful girl

Dear Perfectly Wonderful Girl,

Are you carrying an old or new burden around like a heavy bag of rocks, letting it drag you down and hold you back? Is it a belief about yourself or someone else? Is it a mistake you made? Is it something that someone else did to you than you cannot overcome?

It is time to stop shaming yourself. It is time to start treating yourself with the kind of love that you treat others with. It is time to overcome it.

You are not your past, and you are not your mistakes. You are not what others say you are and you are not your limitations, your weaknesses, or your frailties. You are not the horrible things that others have done to you. You are not you addictions or your family or your dress size or your tax return.

You are a priceless, authentic, light-filled soul. No one has ever been created just like you and no one ever will be. You are worth more than you will ever know.

It is time to see yourself this way, with unconditional love, kindness, and forgiveness. Today, let go of the shame. Let go of it. It is time.

You are loved loved loved.

xoxo

From the Brave Girls Club

Caim

Born crazy

I'm spending the next week in Omaha with my family so this is a super appropriate picture. 

I want to make it clear that I'm not blaming my parents in any way for my depression.  Well, maybe my dad a little since it runs in his family and if there is some sort of gene that carries depression then he would be a likely culprit.  Besides, the type of depression I have isn't caused my some external force. 

Anyway, I arrived on Friday and have been having a pretty relaxing time so far.  I came here to help my mom go through some things since she and my step dad (who I am now calling Dado which is a combination between Dad and his name) are trying to downsize some.  Some of what we will be going through will be mine - dolls and stuff from my childhood plus my baby book, christening outfit and other items a mother saves for her baby.  The rest of the stuff we will be going through will be items my mother will try to pawn off on me.  There's a good chance she will use some guilt tactics, mostly in fun, but I'm worried that I may not take it in that manner.  I just hope that if I react poorly, I can explain to her why in a way that she can understand.

I'm staying here until noon-ish on Tuesday.  Then I head to my dad's house to stay with him and his wife until Friday.

*insert daunting and potentially scary music here*

Don't get me wrong, I have had many wonderful visits with my father.  Most of the time he is very good-natured and jovial.  But, when things go boom, the damage is epic. 

The atmosphere is not overly relaxing.  It's tense and all about the outside appearance - clean house, nice clothes, perfection.  It is so not me.  This will be the longest time I have spent with my dad in a while.  Usually when we are in Omaha, the time is split between my two sets of parents, sometimes between my two sets of current parents and my step mom.  So no one really gets a lot of time.  And even if they do get a lot of time, it's a weekend trip where we arrive late-ish Friday and leave shortly after lunch on Sunday. 

I'm going to hope for the best but rehearse through my coping mechanisms in order to prepare for the worst.

Introverted

I am, I am...

Start again

My dear Shanda,

You know how you veered off course and started beating yourself up?
 
Please don’t do that, darling.
 
Just press the button.
 
Do over.
 
Start again.
 
Learn what you need to learn, then no hard feelings, no self-flagellation, no looking back. All is forgiven.
 
Resetting you,
Your Inner Pilot Light

Forgot how to dog

This is how I've felt the past couple of days.  Nothing seems quite right and I feel like I'm just not in the right place or in the right moment or something else entirely.  The caption for this image was "Forgot how to dog."  I think, maybe, I have forgot how to Shanda.  I'm having memory issues again and just feel heavy and floaty and overwhelmed but uninspired.  It's as though I cannot remember how to be me.  Sure, I can be any one of the fake mes.  Grab a mask and slap it on and showtime.  But the real me, she's hiding or gone or just forgotten. 

I really should follow this for the weekend.  I desperately need to purge so much junk from my home.  Thanks for the suggestion Brave Girls Club.

Dear Fantastic Girl,

 Are there clothes and household things that you hold on to, even though they are worn out, broken, tattered, and cluttering up your life? Are there things that you keep that have unpleasant memories, or just make you feel stuck? Are there boxes in your garage or your closet holding things that you don't need, don't want, or don't even remember?
'Stuff' really holds memories, feelings, and spaces in our lives. It is such a brave act to 'spring clean' our internal lives, and it's such a compelling exercise to do this in our physical lives, too.

  
You will be shocked at how wonderful you feel when you start letting go of ratty old clothes, cracked dishes, and thread-bare sheets. You'll breath a little easier when you give away things you ever really use anyway, but that you are holding on to for reasons you can't explain. When we let go of the old, we are making a new and clean place for new things to come into our life . . . and our new skin, our new wings.

  
Toss out just ONE thing this weekend. If it feels good, keep tossing.


You are worth it! You are loved.
xoxo

Step right up to that edge

I just need to take that first step.  That first terrifying step...

Dear Shanda,

You might think you’re protecting yourself when you turn away from what you suspect might hurt you.
 
But I dare you to lean in.
 
Don’t go too far. When it’s time to release, let go.
 
But step right up to that edge. Then push the edge with one more step.
 
You’ll be surprised how many times that one next step will crack the resistance and you’ll be invited to experience all the love, joy, and bliss you desire.
 
With you on the edge,  
Your Inner Pilot Light

I'm just a regular psycho

The first step

Dear Brave Girl,

It starts with that first, really scary step, that step that we sometimes spend years avoiding and procrastinating, and that we often tell ourselves day after day that we will finally take 'tomorrow'.

What is so scary about that first step?

First, let's put it into perspective and what it really is. It's just a step, lovely. Just a step. You don't have to decide right now if you will take the next step after the first one.

Just commit to that first scary step. Put the silly fears out of your mind. It doesn't matter what others think about that first step. It doesn't matter if your first step is clumsy or looks ridiculous or if it doesn't get you as far as you thought it would.

It doesn't matter if you fall that first time. It doesn't matter.

You know you want to take that step or it wouldn't be burning it your heart the way it is, the way it has been for so long.

One thing is for sure. You can stop after you take that first step, or you can take another one, and then another. You get to choose.

Remember that without taking that first step, you will NEVER get to where you truly want to be because you will still be where you are NOW.

You can do it. Start today! You are so brave. And you are so loved.

xoxo

Thank you, Brave Girls Club.  Now if I could only actually get over the fears and take that first very, very, very scary step.

Disruption

(I started this post on July 20, 2013 and I just proof-read it today.  I could add to it but I'm not in the same place I was then so my feeling and thoughts wouldn't be as authentic.)

More than anything, I get angry and frustrated when my depression and/or panic attacks screw up my life. It happened again last night/today.

We were to go to my husband's grandmother's birthday today. It was hosted by my mother-in-law. 

I couldn't go. Starting around 8 pm Friday evening, I was building into a panic attack. I took an Ativan and did some exercises to try to calm myself. It worked...a little. 

Tried to go to bed but panic attacks kept waking me. Took another Ativan and worked through some exercises. Attempted to go to sleep again. I was asleep for maybe 20 minutes when another panic attack hit. It was almost midnight. 

I tried most everything in my bag of tricks but nothing seemed to make enough of a difference to allow me any real relief or sleep. Off and on sleep and panic attack cycle started. All night long. 

When my husband's alarm went off, I was beyond frazzled.  I was maxed out on Ativan until 8 pm that evening and the panic was already swelling.  There was no way I would be able to attend the party.  In another place.  With a lot of people.  A distance from my home and comfort zone.

So I had to cancel. 

He made my apologies and most understood. 

This is one of the worst things about my illness. 

Tired of this day

You are gonna make it

Some days, my daily email from the Brave Girls' Club simply makes me smile.  Sometimes it makes me cry with realization.  And other times, it just really hits home with whatever I am currently battling against at the moment.  This was a prime example of the latter.

Dear Amazing Girl,

It's perplexing how we can go along feeling perfectly wonderful all day long...even for weeks at a time, even for months....feeling like we are on track, doing the right things...feeling completely content, grateful and like our life is our own and we are living it exactly the way we are supposed to be individually living it...and then BAM! WHAM! SLAM!! ..... we get the wind knocked out of us.

What are some of the the things that stop us dead in our tracks and take our wind away? Comparing. Criticizing. Complaining. Doubting. Fearing. Imagining the worst. Letting other people get to us. Letting opinions get to us. Letting the ways of the world get to us.

Beautiful girl....remember that bumps in the road and bad days are completely normal...even when we are on track. Remember that things happen that could potential derail us, but that we have the power to not allow that to happen. Remember that WHENEVER we spend ANY time comparing our lives, or our selves, or our bodies, or our homes, or our jobs or our children to ANYONE else's life and everything that goes along with it...it never goes anywhere good. Remember that YOU ARE ONE IN 7 BILLION......incomparable, unforgettable and just right exactly as you are.

A great way to get all of the air back in your lungs and your feet moving in the right direction is simply to keep kindness and good thoughts in your heart...to be happy for others....to let go of worries...to let things go and live simply....to give and love and serve without expecting anything in return.....and to REMEMBER that bad days always turn around and there's a tomorrow after them that is brand new...and ready to be painted beautiful colors.

You are gonna make it. You ARE making it.

You are very very very loved.
xoxox

Performance

The Science of Mental Illness

Image compliments of Best Masters in Psychology Degrees

Thank your lucky stars

My dear Shanda,

When it feels like you’re under attack, try your darnedest to thank your lucky stars.

When times are roughest, you can bet you’re on the fast track to personal growth and spiritual awakening.

While it may feel unfair and you may get pissed off, life uses tragedies and hardships to shape us into who we’re meant to be.

So roll with it, baby. And if you’re not sure what you’re meant to be learning from what has hurt you or what you’ve lost, just ask me.

Loaded with insight,
Your Inner Pilot Light