I like being alive

I'll take Zoloft for 200 mg, Alex

After just over thirty days, I finally called the doctor to tell him that Zoloft at 150 mg wasn't doing anything for me.  I actually spoke with his nurse and she called back some time later.  The next step is to up my Zoloft dosage to 200 mg.  The Wellbutrin is staying at 150 mg and my Ativan is the same.  Like the last time, I'm supposed to give the new dosage some time and then call the doctor to report if there is any change.  I will probably call back in mid-March.

I really don't understand how my insurance works.  The Zoloft (60 100 mg tablets) cost $22.90.  Any little bit helps and clearly I cannot budget for my meds based on any previous month.  Crazy stuff.

Absolutely nothing else to write about beyond this. 

20 Thoughts to help relieve anxiety and depression

1. In order to have good things, there must be bad things.
2. You’ll never be perfect—just like everyone else.
3. People are mean or angry or sad because they need to be at that time.
4. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
5. You can’t control everything and everyone.
6. Money and wealth are not the same.
7. You’re exactly where you are right now because that’s where you need to be.
8. You don’t want or need to know the future.
9. No one will remember the little flub you made in the office or at home earlier.
10. Life doesn’t assault you or throw curve balls at you; you get what you give.
11. If you don’t like someone or they don’t like you it’s because you each see yourself in them.
12. Right now, at this instant, you have everything you need to be happy: Air in your lungs, blood in your veins, and lips to smile with.
13. When things break and need mending, it gives us something to do.
14. Everyone makes mistakes.
15. Success has no standard definition.
16. Life is very simple.
17. You don’t need something to be happy. You need someone—and that someone is you.
18. Just like you look up to someone, someone out there looks up to you. Act accordingly.
19. There’s a lesson hidden in everything.
20. Other people have had your problems before and managed to overcome them. You can too.

The above thoughts are from the blog post of the same name at Tiny Buddha.

Control

Spiraling

I'm sinking into a pit of depression right now.  The sinking is very, very sllllloooooooooooow.  But I know it is happening.  Will it be temporary?  Will it be the Big Slide that requires more fixing and healing than I can do by my present means of survival?  Will there be hospitalization?  I'm scared, terrified really.  And I'm not doing a damn thing about it.  At the same time, I don't know what to do.  I never do. 

The slow sinking has been going on for about two weeks now.  I know it didn't help that I was out of my comfort zone - not in my home, not in my town, not with my things and not with my husband or my dogs or the kids.  It also didn't help that I got incredibly ill and was then unable to keep several "dates" that I'd planned with friends and family members.  That made me feel sad and like a failure because I couldn't make simple appointments.  I realize that getting ill wasn't my fault and it was the smart thing to cancel on my friends and family members so I didn't get them sick.  I needed to take care of myself and I did.  I shouldn't feel guilty about it or upset with myself since it was something I had no control over.

It's like the depression is slowly creeping back into my life.  It's taking over,using baby steps to claim bits and pieces of my life, my mind, my soul.  I wasn't doing well on the medications anyway.  I was doing a bit better but not nearly to where I want to be and know (hope?) I can be.  The biggest improvement came when I first started back on the Zoloft and Ativan.  From no medication to medication.  It was like the light was shining again.  But then I plateaued and maybe even have been sliding backwards.  Not all the way, at least not yet, but I didn't feel like I did once the medication first kicked in.  Maybe that is normal and maybe it is not.  It is something I will bring up when I call the Dr or when I next visit.

Tomorrow I need to call Dr. S and report that the increased Zoloft is not making any difference in my moods.  I also need to tell him that things are not going well.  I'm nervous about that since we haven't made any plans beyond this step in the adjustments to my medications. 

Quickie

I haven't posted in a while and it is not because nothing has been going on.  Actually, quite a bit has been happening but I've just been unmotivated to up-date.  I don't really feel like playing catch up so I'm just going to do a few highlights.

Blu - My Blu ecig starter kit arrived.  It is perfect.  I smoke without the nicotine, tar, etc. and get to use it as a tension breaker and stress reliever.  I love it and I have really been able to cut down on my Ativan.

Driving - I'm currently house and pet sitting for my dad and his wife while they are on vacation.  I drove here by myself.  It's a huge accomplishment for me.  For one, I had to drive through Lincoln which meant lots of cars, lots of exits and more lanes of traffic.  I also had to drive in to Omaha and am driving around Omaha.  That means crazy traffic, unfamiliar areas and much more insanity.  But I'm doing okay.

I also had to make a fast trip back home on Sunday because my Katana was having anxiety issues.  We drove back to Kearney and then turned around to come back to Omaha.  I was gone from my father's house for just over seven hours, six of which were spent driving.

Meds - I've been on the 150 mg of Zoloft for just over a week now.  Nothing.  I need to call Dr. S and let him know.  Wonder what will happen next?

Out of my safe zone - Because I am house and dog sitting, I'm not in my familiar surroundings with my things and my life.  It stresses me out but, so far, I'm doing fairly well.  I will be here for at least five more days.  Keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have any issues.

Being busy and visiting people - During my time in Omaha, I have scheduled a visit to friends and family.  Every day I'm going to see someone.  This is also a little overwhelming for me but I put myself into this position.  I almost backed out of seeing a darling friend, her husband and the munchkins because I was feeling nervous and panicked.  But I didn't and I'm really glad that I went to see them.  It was good for my soul.

I might elaborate on some of the above blurbs at some point, but for now, it's a good record of issues and how I'm dealing with any problems that may arise. 

3 things panic attacks don't want you to know.

Thank you, Tiny Buddha.

... If we think of a panic attack as a villain who steals away pieces of our soul, these are the three techniques that he wouldn’t want us to know about.

1. Acceptance

One of the most powerful things that you can do in the midst of a panic attack is to accept it. I know that seems to go against all rational thought.

Don’t I want the panic attack to go away? Sure I do. But noticing the panic and accepting that it’s visiting me is the first step. Realizing that I’m having a panic attack instead of being lost in the dream of panic creates some space to work with it.

One way to work with it is to lie down on the floor and feel the anxiety and panic flowing through the body. Accept that it’s there. Feel it completely.

I notice my chest feeling tight and my heart pounding, notice the sweating or feeling of being light-headed or dizzy. I let the anxiety develop completely, inviting it to overcome me like a wave of uncomfortableness.

Yes, it can get pretty nasty. But usually at the point when I feel like my whole being is going to explode from so much anxiety, something almost unimaginable happens: a release.

The panic begins to fade, moving away from me like the tide slowly going back out to sea. I’m left a little tired, a little drained, but also relieved.

It’s important to know that a panic attack won’t last.

Nothing lasts forever—not pleasant things, not unpleasant things, not panic attacks.

It’s not necessary to lie on the floor.

Sometimes I find myself in certain social situations where being stretched out on the floor would look just plain nutty. This technique works just as well sitting in my truck, behind a desk, or hiding in a bathroom stall. We do what we must.
 

2. Breathing

A lot of people say to take deep breaths when you’re having a panic attack. I think this is sound advice, but I like to put a slightly different spin on it.

Take a walk.

That’s right. Go walking.

Walking is awesome because it gets the blood flowing, the heart pumping, and if it’s a brisk walk, it forces you to breathe more deeply.

Sometimes I feel like my anxieties and fears are chasing me, but I’m walking away from them. Other times, I just feeling like I’m burning off some built-up energy that has nowhere to go.

Running would probably also be helpful, but I will only run in the event of The Zombie Apocalypse.
 
3. Naming

Another really effective technique that I practice is to name the feelings and thoughts as I’m having a panic attack. I learned this technique from listening to Tara Brach’s podcasts on iTunes. It’s super effective and very simple to learn. (*Note: Tara Brach’s podcasts are free on iTunes.)

In the midst of the panic attack, I focus on any feelings or thoughts that are arising and name them either out loud or silently to myself. I sometimes even grab a notebook and write them. For instance:
I feel tightness in my chest

I feel my racing heartbeat.

My mouth is dry, my head aches, and I’m a little dizzy.

I feel like I’m going to fall off of a cliff.

I’m feeling bad about feeling bad because this anxiety destroys relationships.

I feel like no one is ever going to love me again.

My jaw is clenching.

There’s a knot in my stomach.

I feel like a loser.

I feel like I don’t belong here.

I feel like I suck.

I’m afraid I’m going to fail.

I hear a pounding in my ears.

I feel unqualified, unworthy, unnecessary.

Once again, it’s helpful to remind myself that this is a panic attack, that it will pass, but it needs to be allowed to.

I remind myself that this awful time in my life will pass like all the others. How do I know this? If I look back over the course of my life, I can see it.

I’ve had some great times. They’ve passed. I’ve had some awful times. They’ve passed, too. I can see that everything before this has passed.

This also will pass. It has to.

These simple techniques can work, but you have to put them into practice.

It’s like learning to play a musical instrument or a sport; the more you practice, the better you get at it. If one of the techniques isn’t working, I switch to another one.

I believe that, in the moment, we always pick the right one.