Robin Williams

I am now painfully aware that no matter how much balance I find within myself, that I am still in danger, that I need to be constantly vigilant, and that my struggle could gain strength at any moment.

Until our society aggressively, strongly addresses mental illness, until we move it from a side issue to a real issue, until we give it the same priority as other illnesses… I will still have that fear. I will still shake my head at what is often a death-by-disease that we call suicide.

And we will all still need to speak up.

The above quote is from the article Robin Williams Didn't Kill Himself.  It discusses how his mental illness is what killed him.  It's true.

I've attempted suicide.  I was in that place where I was hopeless, the disease was too much, and I simply could not fight anymore.  I also didn't want to fight anymore.  

I'm glad I wasn't successful...with any of my attempts.

There are still days that I want to die.  I want to give up and just not have to deal anymore.  But this is different.  I have no intention of doing anything to end my life.  I don't have any plans on how I could end my life.  I don't really want to die...I just want the pain and agony and depression to stop.  I want to know what it feels like to not battle it day in and day out All.  The.  Time.

But I never know what could happen.  Is there something that could trigger me into trying?  Could circumstances lead me to making plans? 

I am in constant danger.  I need to fight every moment of every day.  I need to reach out when I start drowning in the illness.  I need to be hyper-vigilant.

It's all I can do.  

The death of Robin Williams is terribly sad.  His battle with mental illness was known and many couldn't see how the funny, wealthy, adored man could be so troubled.  Mental illness, among numerous other diseases/illnesses, are invisible disabilities.  You generally cannot see that something is wrong.  And because you cannot be visually reminded that there is a real disease, it becomes even more difficult to understand.

I would guess he had good days and bad days.  Everyone does.  Mental illness can make the bad days even worse, the good days barely okay, or even flip it back and forth between the two extremes.

Mental illness is a real disease.  It needs to be treated as such.  It can be just as tragic and debilitating as any other disease.  It affects the person with the disease and it affects their families and friends.  I can impact each and every part of their life.

I'm doing my part and speaking up and speaking out. I have to.